| A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I think I have Borderline Personality Disorder. There are several reasons I think this and all of them are very private and emotionally exhausting. Before you say "seek professional help", I looked into it, I tried it and it didn't help at all.I have to admit, I can be abusive physically and emotionally to everyone and I only feel horrible the next day. One day I'm feeling happy and I try my best to feel better and change for the better but the next I'm giving up and being cruel to everyone around me. What bothers me the most is that one day I want to have a family, a wife and children but then, what about all of this, the emotional hell I'd be putting them through. Being abusive isn't a problem anymore, I've gotten that under control, I've taken steps to ensure it never happens again even though in the back of my mind, I'm always afraid it'll come back. I know that most of you will think that I don't deserve anyone and that I deserve this mess because of who I am but I'm trying to be better, its just really hard. I've always tried to make it up to the people I've hurt but its all pointless if it will just happen again. I don't want that at all so I've sought out ways to manage my anger, so far so good I guess. I haven't hurt anyone in a while. But I don't trust anyone anymore. I keep asking myself about the future. I have a very tightly knit family but for some reason, I just can't find it in my heart to trust them, mostly because my mom wasn't the nicest mother in the world. She's a single mom and she tries her best but all it did was make her irritable and brutal to me particularly. Even though it was all a long time ago, I can't trust her. As much as I try, in my eyes, she's the equivalent of a passing stranger in the streets. I don't know her, I don't really want to know her and I definitely don't trust her even though I know I have all the reason in the world to I suppose.I keep fearing that one day if I meet a woman and I fall in love with her, my family will just ruin it all by telling her about who I used to be and I wasn't the nicest person, I wasn't the most pleasant of people, physically and mentally but I don't want that to ruin my future with anyone. To be honest, I don't care about anything else, I don't worry about my future financially or whatever, I only worry about whether or not I'll find someone who will tell me that they love me so I can make her happy and be the best I can be for her but I'm seriously thinking about keeping her a secret from my family and just disconnecting myself from them all, just to be safe.Has anyone had any experience with anyone like me? By that I mean, someone emotionally unstable and prone to a fucking annoying cycle that never seems to end.If I try hard enough, will I actually succeed in changing? I mean, I always hear the phrase 'once an abuser, always an abuser' or something like that. I don't want to be an abuser, I just want to be happy.Thanks. If you need me to clarify, please ask and I'll try my best to explain. Please please help me.
View related questions:
want to be happy Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! |
