A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:how can i get my wonderfull girlfriend to feel sexy. She has low self image. To me she is beautiful and what she finds imperfections. I think that what makes her who she is. She always covers her self up. Says she is fat and unattractive. When we have sex her top stays on and we only do missionary because she says she is to big to do other ways. I love her but this is dragging me down. What to do how can i make her feel great for being a real woman not some plastic airbrushed person she wants to be Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (30 November 2011):
 sadly there is NOTHING you can do.
I think I'm old and ugly and fat. I used to weigh nearly 300 pounds and wear a size 26... now I weigh less than half of that and I wear a size 4/6 I've had plastic recontructive surgery and yet I find fault with my figure.
I find fault with my skin and my hair and EVERYTHING... my boyfriend rolls his eyes because while at first before we were serious he would not tell me how beautiful I was now he thinks I am and he just bangs his head against the wall that I can't see myself as he sees me which is
PERFECT (for him)
but i've learned that if i complain about it we fight... he really does love me warts and all...
I think for me it was that I would wake up and he would be hugging me and touching my body (the parts I think are fat) and I would say to him... "checking out my fat?" and he would look at me like a confused puppy... cause he says... YOUR NOT FAT... seems I'm learning that super skinny girls are great for showing off clothes but not so great for hugging...
just love on her be physically affectionate without escalating to sex... admire her body when she's in sweats and no make up... hug her and love on her... hugs, kisses and "come sit on the couch with me sweetie and let me curl up in your wonderful lap or let me rub your feet.."
would she go for therapy. I go to therapy once a month with a bariatric social worker to work on body dysmorphic issues....
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2011): She wont be satisfied whatever you tell her, because she wants to be attractive to everyone,not just you. Its very self centered and i would be careful. Girls like that tend to cheat to make themself feel desired.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2011): Alright. She needs a good woman friend to tell her outright that, when she's naked, she sees and thinks, my gut is too big, my boobs are saggy. Thats what we women do, we are so cruel and unfair to ourselves. *sighs*Now, what men see. OH MY WORD! Those breasts are FABULOUS. Look how hot they are bouncing all about as she rides me. This is so f-ing unbelieveable. I'm going to cum too soon. MAN she's a GODDESS!!!I had similar issues of being on top. After 5 kids; the tummy isnt all that. ;) However!I started out wearing tops that I could pull down to expose my breasts and the top would still hide my belly. I felt confident enough to be on top and still feel sexy. Plus sometimes men like the a few clothing items on makes it racy. Also invested in an underbust corset that hid and shaped the tummy area but left breasts exposed. Like an hourglass, conical, or cincher corset.I have accepted that natural, fuller breasts are not even supposed to have that fake porno star look going on. Like they are breasts of a teen girl. And to men, ALL breasts are FABULOUS, especially the woman they love breasts.By the way, are you vocal? I found when my BF is vocal and telling me how I make him feel amazing during sex has helped me in my self image.Enough holding, touching, kissing during the day. Love notes singing her praises. She'll begin to feel secure.Also I have 10+ years on her and have to say age does matter when it comes to sexuality and confidence. It only gets better.Hope this helped.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2011): The simple answer is you can't. Some girls are just like this OP. They won't leave the house without makeup on, they aren't comfortable being fully naked in front of people even in the most intimate of circumstances.
All you can do is disagree with her when she's says she's ugly or fat and give her positive reinforcement but don't go overboard or your words will begin to ring hollow. Just show her how sexy and desirable she is through affection and actions.
Don't expect this to go away though OP, I dated a girl for 6 months once that was the exact same. I tried everything including what my other female friends suggested and to tell her she's beautiful all the time, spoil her etc. I even tried to encourage her to join a gym with me and she just took this as a sign that I too thought she was fat. Nothing works. Some people just have a warped self image and the complete wrong idea about positive self-improvement as opposed to negative self abuse which is basically what she is doing. They have this idea in their head of what they should be and will never be truly happy with who they are because it's usually something they will never bother their arses to change.
The girl I was dating was plump but by no means obese and was very sexy but she was obsessed with being fat, and what's worse is she wouldn't do anything about it in any kind of proper way. She tried all the useless diets, she'd take exercise classes for a month of two and then just give up because she couldn't get really skinny really fast.
I know your pain basically because other than this she was a great girlfriend but it ended up being a deal breaker, sex was boring and very awkward, there really was no excitement or invention in it, I never got fully appreciate her body because she kept it covered and I got sick of listening to her complain about it and not doing anything about it, especially seeing as it's easy as hell to change that. I was fat as hell and was happy with it for while until I decided I wasn't so I worked out, ate right and in about 6 months I was trim and toned.
Look I may get cut up by the ladies for saying this but girls like that to me are just plain self absorbed, they really don't get that depriving us of enjoying their bodies because they don't like their bodies can be torture for us and we have no choice but to accept it either because making them feel uncomfortable is even worse.
The best advice I can give you is to accept it because I made the mistake of telling the girl all I just told you and it just made things 10 times worse and she turned all of what I said into me saying she was a shit lover as well as fat and ugly, which she was not.
Sex is just not natural with girls like this, it always feels forced and I just can't enjoy sex with a girl who holds back.
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A
male
reader, Daniel the love doctor +, writes (30 November 2011):
 You may want to try giving her a nice, slow, full body massage. More than likely she'll probably have on her bra and panties. The you can proceed to ask her how much does she trust you- and what you say, while you're continuing to massage her. If she says "a lot"... tell her how much you love every part of her body as you unhook the bra, give her a kiss than later on remove her panties. If this works she'll start to feel more comfortable with her body image in your presence.If it doesn't, don't worry, it may take some time. In the meantime, don't take it personal. It has nothing to do with you. Self-confidence is something that she has to work on within herself. It will not raise unless she feels and believes many of the positive things you like about her for herself.
All you can and should do, is continue to let her know how attractive, special, and wonderful you think she is. And hopefully at some point her self-esteem will start to pick up.
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