A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I apologize for how long this is but I need to give you all the details so you can give me educated advice.Let me start from the beginning: I've known my boyfriend since sophomore year of high school. Clearly, he was more into me than I was into him back then. (We had "dated" for two days and after the first day, he told me via written letter that he loved me. The next day, I broke up with him.)Fast forward about four years and we have both gone through hell and back with our different lives. I was involved with an abusive asshole and he was involved with a cheating whore and his mother wasn't making matters any easier for him. We started dating June 28, 2010 and we're still together and growing closer and stronger. I think...We've only been together for five months and we've been talking about marriage and kids since before we started dating. We both want a lot of the same things out of life but he can be SUCH a pessimist. Now, I realize that he's gone through a lot of bullshit with his mom and moving a lot and growing up on broken promises...But I grew up moving around a lot myself and on broken promises and I still consider myself "realistically optimistic". I try to find the best in everyone and all situations (not everyone or everything is great but there is some good in a lot of people and situations).But my boyfriend gets down on himself VERY easily and I always have to help him out of whatever emotional crip he's in at that moment. Now, don't get me wrong! I love him to death and I'm always there to help him out whenever he needs it; whether it's financially, physically, or emotionally. I'm there for him.Today, however, he told me that his mom's side of the family has basically decided to "disown" him. I think that's hilarious; especially for all the bullshit his mom has put him through throughout the years. My boyfriend deserves nothing but RESPECT from that woman. But she's crazy, so of course she thinks it's all about her and her short comings. She put all of her shit on herself and my boyfriend has every right to turn his back on her.The real problem with all of this is that he dropped this on me: He wants to move 500 miles away from where we live and he wants to do it ASAP. He can't stand his family anymore (personally, I don't blame him) but I'm also trying to keep the peace.He wants to basically alienate himself from his family (save a few members) and I'm pretty sure he's going to end up relying on my family for a lot of emotional support; which my family will give, of course.Now, I just got a job a little less than a month ago working as a CNA through an agency so I'm making a LOT of money and can easily support both of us if I work 40 hours a week. By the way, he's also working but he really wants to get back into school. Financially, that's not going to happen anytime soon; which sucks.Back to the point: I really want to get married. Like, I'm so for marriage, sometimes it blinds me. And it doesn't help that both of my best friends are married and one of them is about to have a baby! But I'm afraid of this question: Do I want to marry my current boyfriend or do I just want to get married?Funny thing is, I once dated one of my boyfriend's friends for about a month the end of senior year; which was two and a half years ago. He and I have next to nothing in common but I thought (and still think) he's effing hot! Of course I will never tell my boyfriend that because that would be the end of our relationship... I think. But I'm not stupid. For the most part...Before I give you the impression that my boyfriend is this emotionally-wrecked, little boy, he's really not! He's actually VERY mature and VERY smart for an almost 21 year old man. He's a realist and doesn't trust a lot of people. Which I can understand; contradicting what I said earlier, people can really suck.But he treats me 10,000,000,000 times better than how my ex boyfriend treated me. He showers me with compliments and while I was looking for work and waiting for my criminal record to be clean (very long, very different story), he paid for a lot of stuff that we did together when we first started dating. We're both trying to make us work and we both say "I love you" to each other at least a few times a day. Whether it's via text, Facebook chat, or in person.But I still feel rushed with marriage; mainly because my best friends are married and moving on with their lives and I'm here... in the eyes of Federal taxes... still single. I'm only turning 21, so of course I shouldn't rush anything but what the hell am I supposed to think when one of my best friends, who is six months younger than me, got married the day before she turned 20!? And my other best friend is four months married and seven months pregnant!?I just want to know what I'm doing...
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female
reader, xanthic +, writes (25 November 2010):
 You may want to be married to your boyfriend someday in the future, but right now, it definitely sounds like your main reason is based more on what your friends are doing. Marriage is a really big step, one that you need to be absolutely sure about and want for the right reasons. The fact that you're questioning your reasons behind wanting to get married is a clear sign you're not ready yet.
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (25 November 2010):
 Better plenty of details then leaving people to guess and make things up.
When people have problems, they tend to look for escape routes. Your bf for instance wants to get away from his mother and other problems by moving.
You are dealing with a past yourself that you only briefly touch upon but might have you running away, into perceived stability, a home/family, of marriage.
Do either of you want to get married or do you just want to escape your current circumstances? If the latter, will this even have a chance of working. Can you escape or are the problems inside of yourself.
There is something inheritently romantic of two torn kids finding each other and fleeing. And then the movie ends and the audience never sees the mess they create because in the end, they never dealt with their problems. Just ran away.
So yes, I think you just want to get married, but not just married for marriage sake, but to find something you are currently missing. It won't work, because he is doing the same. Once you two are on your own, all the undealt with problems will surface and you will start to blame the other.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2010): Wow girl,
Sounds like your up to your neck in preasure and you don't know what to do.
Well first of bad Idea asking strange people to make a choice for you. You need to make your own choice.
But I will say this I am 37 have been married at 24 devorced at 26 have a 12 year old kid that I only get to see two times a year that alone messed me up real real good for ohh about 10 years.
I will say this Mariage is not somthing to take lightly and deffenitly not something to rush into. It sounds like This man has a whole lot of baggage and issues and from the sounds of it you may have your fair share of your own too.
I don't mean to sound sinical but from what you said your personality seems that of a care giver a supporter a person who wants to help out people down on there luck and life. That in and of itself is not entirely bad however it sounds like your BF is the personality type of someone who is looking for the Mom he never had someone to take care of him and care for him. Let me tell you the last thing you ever want in a marriage is to be your husbands Mother. The more you mother a person of that personality the more needy they get and trust me that will lead to big bitterness and resentment. I am not saying he is not a good guy but it would be unwise to walk into marriage with so much unsorted baggage no matter where it is from. You both are still so very young and 5 months is nothing. You really honestly can not know someone until you have lived with them or at least been with them on a regular basis in a relationship for at least min 2 years. I can tell you there is so much you don't see about someone until after you have been through life with them in a relationship for at least 2 years. That is when the supprises come out that you didn't see while you were still in the love bird stage of your relationship. And some of those supprises you may not be able to live with.
And as for your friends being married and having kids already and you feeling like you are behind. life is not a damn contest. So what if they are married with kids already so young. If they were all doing Crack would you feel like you needed to join them too ?
It is your life and you only get one so choose carefully and wisely. If this man truly loves you he will wait.
And if he is unwilling to wait than that just shows that he is selfish and that is a quality that will destroy any marriage eventually.
Also if you are the one always solving his problems and he is not capable or just wants everyone else to feel sorry for his hard life and support him than what kind of a husband are you marrying. A husband is supposed to be the head of the household. And what he is proposing sounds like he is just running away from his issues 500 miles away lol, rather than dealing with them. And it sounds like he as already almost convinced you to give up everything you have going where you are now just for him. I think you both need to sort your issues out and mature a little and than re assess if you want to marry.
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