A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I might as well just bury myself in a hole right now. I came home after a long day today, and I wanted to be intimate with my partner (this is a rarity for me). Not so long ago, he complained that I am never instigating our intimacy. So, you could imagine how I thought he'd react. Much to my disappointment, he turned me down and I got very upset. I don't instigate very much, and everytime I do he turns me down. This leaves me feeling rejected and silly. I've never been one to instigate, and this is the first time ever.Okay... So I started to cry, and sulk because he turned me down. He says he was feeling tired and drained. I made a point, I told him that next time he complains about my lack of willingness for intimacy (because I am tired, and he wakes me up at midnight), he should remember times like this.I have been feeling insecure of late anyway, because we are at the same point as when everything went wrong in my former relationship. He knows that, and I expressed it to him.I took his lack of interest as rejection, and got really upset. I reminded him how I am feeling... Which he acknowledged, and I further said that it's hard for a women to be rejected intimacy wise. I should mention that I also have my period, and everything seems 10x worse than it probably is.So, amongst the crying and disagreement, I lost themood completely. Within 30-minutes, he turns around and starts to instigate intimacy. I tell him that won't work, because I've lost the mood and I'm still upset. He got annoyed by saying that he never can do anything right. I left the room.Does this sound like a typical disagreement when itcomes to intimacy? We've been together 3.5 years, and were both recently promoted to more stressful jobs. On top of everything else, we are buying a house.What's your experience? I generally have a low sex drive anyway. But might I add, he basically contradicted everything he said tome about 2x months ago, namely that we should be intimate daily. This time he said that we don't need intimacy to be happy. I pointed that out. But since the shoe was on the other foot... It's different.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2011): Try not to take this too much to heart, rejection can be just as hard for a guy as it is for you and if you have a lower sex drive, chances are it probably feels many times worse if you've turned him down many times or indeed never instigate sex.Try to talk at a time when the feelings of rejection aren't raw and you both feel safe to express yourselves and be honest with your feelings. Differing sex drives are hard on relationships, not only will one partner feel sexually frustrated, but as you are well aware you will also fell rejected too. There are many things you can do, work with your partner to establish boundaries and healthy ways of reliving any sexual frustration, another helpful tip is to have a way of signalling to each other how sexually receptive you are, maybe a magnet on the fridge each when you move in to your place together, you can boh move your magnet up or down depending on your mood, reducing he chances that one of you will try and instigate sex when the other really isn't in the mood.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2011): This is usually a two way street that is complicated by poor communication. Both parties feel bad. Both parties need to talk more and communicate better. But, it is hard.You have to talk. You have to talk about everything, that is intimate. Hiding stuff, or just not talking, that is not intimate.Intimacy, and really great sex, all come from communication at a deep and intimate level."What's your experience? I generally have a low sex drive anyway."Well, since you asked....My wife had a low sex drive, and I am quite the opposite. I really just wanted to screw every woman I ever met who was even halfway attractive. I'm a professional, tall, blonde, full head of hair, attractive, intelligent, and mak a lot of money, and I'd be talking to a woman about a serious issue, perhaps another consultant, perhaps a friend, and I'd be thinking "I'd like to fuck her right now (but I tried to keep it off my face - apparently pretty successfully since I have to work with these folks...and it could have been very awkward)". Seriously. So, you can imagine the problems we had after we got married, the affair, the rejection, the hurt feelings. All of it happened about the age that you are now.But, I wasn't the one who had the affair, nor was I the one who was rejecting her. I never cheated, and although was come onto more than once by women I was undressing in my mind, I allowed those opportunities to pass untouched, and I do mean completely untouched.With my wife, I actually became afraid to approach her for sex, because I just couldn't take the rejections, so I waited for her and was enthusiastic when it happened, which she interpreted as me not liking her.I won't go into the whole sordid story, but the reality was that she had intimacy issues from being abused as a child, and being raped as a young teen and an adult. I didn't know this...hell, I found out after the near divorce that she'd had this incredible history of abuse, promiscuity, and sexual behavior that she was incredibly ashamed of, including being ashamed of being raped and thinking she was stupid for being raped, etc.Why is that important?Well, she couldn't talk about it, to anyone.It took her nearly 20 years of marriage to open up. It took an affair and the near destruction of the family for her to realize she had to talk.Don't let it get to that with you two. Sit down, talk, and talk about the hard stuff, sex, intimacy, love, how you feel, what you want, what you need, what you are getting, what you are not getting.BTW, my wife and I are still married. I've had the best sex in my life since she started talking. I've had great sex, truly. She's had great sex, and says it is the best she has ever had. She has for the first time in her life been able to orgasm with a partner, and she had probably over 200, possibly as many as 300 before me with all shapes and sizes and that goes for general bodies as well as cocks and butts.Go figure...I've had three sexual partners...I still love sex. In fact, working down the hallway right now is a younger tall attractive single woman who if I was single I'd be fantasizing about and wanting to bed and would if she was looking as well...but, she's not all that.You see, I've got a wife, who talks to me, who makes love to me like you simply cannot believe, and you simply cannot get anything better. She's all that, and more, and that is the most wonderful thing in the world.It all starts with talk...not with sex.Print this and show it to your husband, and ask him to talk with you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2011): I understand that it's really upsetting but I'm sure it's equally hard for a man to be rejected in this way, the only difference being that men usually get more practice at rejection. But they have feelings too. So next time he instigates sex and you don't feel like it, take a moment to remember what it felt like for you when he did the same. I don't mean that you should have sex with him when you don't want to, but that you can have more understanding for him next time. He has the same rights as you do not to have sex. I'm sure I would feel bad in your situation, too, but try not to take it too personally. It sounds like he still wants you and wasn't rejecting YOU, just your advances. And don't let it completely put you off trying again sometime, maybe the next time he'll want it and it will be great.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (16 September 2011):
 Yes sort of, but you're taking this way too personally. Sometimes people aren't in the mood or are tired or what have you. This is why it's hard to instigate intimacy, because there's the possibility of rejection. From what I understand, you reject him a lot too. It's not different when he rejects you. I'm also a little confused, you both talk about this being the only time you've instigated and being rejected many times in the past?
I think maybe it would be good to figure out how to make sex a bit more fun for you. Do you orgasm every time, feel desired?
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