A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ok, so I'm going to try to keep this as short as possible.When I was 16 I was sleeping with this guy. Lost my virginity to him. He was in a relationship. Bad idea I know. My dad wasn't a good role model for me and I really really enjoyed the attention I got from this guy. He was 31 at the time. So when I was 17 I gave birth to his child. My baby. The best thing in the World. I have brought him up alone, with some help from my Mum. So, anyways I gave birth in the October, but I stopped all contact with him in the January previous. He didn't seem bothered at first, and to be honest I didn't care if he liked it or not! I was an idiot! I didn't love him. I despise the very thought of him. So, he tried calling me, I ignored him. Sent me flowers when I gave birth. I gave them to my sister. He has.... 5 kids with 5 women. He slept with under 15s when he was late 20s-present. I found out he beat on most of his ex's. Well, it's been 5 years. Even though he lives 2 minutes from my home I have not let him once see my child. He hasn't spoke to him. He has walked passed him a few times but that's about it. Do you think I am in the right for doing this? Baring in mind, he is never seen without a beer in his hand or being high.
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female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (8 November 2012):
no I think you are doing the right thing. the man obviously is not a role model for anyone, let alone a child. if what you say is true, it sounds as though you are protecting the child, just try to be as honest as possible with the child and dont let the child see you bad mouthing him. good luck
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2012): Clarification: "Previous anon male responding to justifiable criticism" is first anon male, not douchebag anon male. Two separate carbon-based life forms. Agree: Douchebag or not, the guy has father rights. NOT applicable and NOT relevant: The time to decide . . . Cerebus: Trying to say OP should go to court to ensure allow druggie, alkie, quail-hunting, sperm depositor times five does NOT have unfettered access to see kid; if not, druggie, alkie, quail-hunting, sperm depositor times five could use that as an excuse to demand underserved unsupervised visitation absent any prior evidence indicating otherwise. Agree with your semantics, kid is theirs, was just contrasting OP's original post POV. This is just an unfortunate situation where the KID needs legal protection from his sperm depositor. Problem with thinking like a purely logical four-year-old, sometimes I forget to factor emotion into the equation.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2012): Previous anon male responding to justifiable criticism.
OP's question as posed: "Am I doing the right thing by not letting this awful man see our child?"
Answer to question as posed: "No."
What OP should have asked under circumstances: "Is this awful man doing the right thing by refusing to see his child and not paying child support?"
Answer to question I would have asked: "NO and NO!"
What OP originally said: "I have not let him once see my child."
What OP said in response to me: "I haven't told him he couldn't see his kid."
What OP said in response to me that she has no legal right to say absent court order: "Even though I wouldn't let him if he asks."
What OP shoild have stated: "He has not once attempted to see his child."
What I said: "If he chooses not to exercise his rights, that's a decision he made for himself, not one you forced upon him."
What I said: ". . . baby daddy unlikely to take an active interest in his child's life but that's HIS conscious decision to make, not your arbitrary one, and in any event he is legally obligated to support his kid financially (especially IF you are receiving government assistance . . .) [CAPS added for emphasis, "IF" meaning "if," meaning you may not be receiving government assistance and I didn't know otherwise, since you've informed me you have a full time job, now I know otherwise, but that doesn't relieve baby daddy of HIS legal obligation to support his child financially]
Point I was trying to make: OP can't deny baby daddy his rights as a father, and in order to legally protect herself and child OP should avail herself of the legal system and laws in place intented to protect CHILDREN of scumbags like her ex, not ex-girlfriends of scumbags like her ex.
If baby daddy chooses NOT to exercise his rights to be an active father thst's his call, but as mother OP has legal and moral obligation to pursue baby daddy for any/all financial support baby daddy can provide to HIS CHILD, not his ex-girlfriend.
What I said: "if the kid is going to grow up to hate a parent let it be the one who chose to ignore him, not the one [whom kid might possibly believe is the one] who kept him away from his father."
Point I'm trying to make: I'm looking at this from kid's POV; as a single mother raising kid of deadbeat absentee father OP has my complete and total sympathy. But in our society no mother has the right to decide to arbitrarily exclude a father (or sperm depositor) from his child's life. And no telling when/if scumbag baby daddy will decide to pop into kid's life and be able to say (accurately) that his mother wouldn't let Dad see son.
Sperm depositor has option to exclude himself physically and emotionally, but that is sperm depositor's
decision to make; legal system's job is to determine the extent of exclusion by determining how actively involved an actively involved father would be in child's life (custody and visitation), that's why OP needs court order in place now, to protect herself and kid in the event sperm depositor suddenly claims he's wanted to be a part of kid's life all along, whether tomorrow or ten years from now, and that is an entirely plausible scenario.
And as previously stated, in any event he is legally obligated to support his kid financially. It's not OP's money that baby daddy isn't paying, it's the CHILD'S money.
Always willing to take slings and arrows on behalf of a kid who can't speak for himself, and always willing to be proven wrong for that kid's sake, but I don't think I'm wrong, just guilty of being too dispassionate about a situation I'm very passionate about (kids suffering in silence at the hands of irresponsible breeding adults).
OP, I'm on kid's side first, yours second, scumbag baby daddy's not at all, but I believe that every breeder has
parental rights and it should be strictly THEIR choice not to legally exercise them, not yours.
But every breeder also has parental obligations and they do not have the legal right to avoid them, nor should you allow them to get away with avoiding their legal obligations. That's what courts are for, to protect every citizen's legal rights, including a pre-schooler's.
That's what I was trying to say.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks you guys. Except male anon but you are allowed an opinion I suppose. Just a bit of extra info, he doesn't pay a penny and I have a full time job thanks so no you are not paying for my child :)
I haven't told him he couldn't see his kid. Even though I wouldn't let him if he asks. Obviously when my son is old enough and he asks I will allow supervised visitation and he can make his own mind up and he will probably see what kind of man he is! Both myself and my mum works with kids so if he took it to court he would have no chance. He has been in trouble with the police a few times! I am pretty happy with my decision, I just needed a little bit of moral support. So thank you guys :D
Haha. And Male Anon. He came out of me. 26 hours of painfulness. I haven't spent a day away from him in 5 years. I have kissed every boo boo, wiped away every tear, spoon fed medicine when he gets ill, fought away all nightmares. So, no, he may be the father but he certainly isn't a Dad!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2012): "Douchebag or not, the guy has father rights."
And he's done nothing to exercise those rights, so your point is moot.
"The time to decide he would not make a good father is before you lay down and conceive a baby with him."
Hindsight is a beautiful thing isn't it? Especially when you use it to judge a vulnerable 16 year old being used by a 31 year old.
Great advice there male anon, useful as hell.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2012): Douchebag or not, the guy has father rights. The time to decide he would not make a good father is before you lay down and conceive a baby with him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2012): '"So when I was 17 I gave birth to his child. My baby."
Clarification: When you were 17 you gave birth to his child. HIS baby.'
WRONG male anon, it's their child, not his.
'"I have not let him once see my child."
Clarification: You have not let him once see HIS child.'
WRONG, THEIRS male anon, THEIRS!!!
'"Do you think I am in the right for doing this?"
No, as a mother you do not have the right to unilaterally deny a child access to his father nor the right to deny a father access to his child.'
Did you even read her question she hasn't denied him shit if he really wanted to see that child he would have made the effort but he didn't.
Not only that but the guy is a grade A asshole who likes to take advantage of vulnerable young teens, sounds like Jimmy Saville to me and he's even committed statutory rape. A fucking low life douche who has 5 kids with 5 different young girls.
So yeah, fuck him, he gets no say. I wouldn't even chase him down for child support because then he may actually ask fro some visitation or some shit, screw that. That extra money would be too high a price to pay for to have that kind of deadbeat manipulative, irresponsible scum have anything to do with her child's life.
A child needs love, one parent is plenty to give that.
OP don't listen to anyone who tells you that you need to give visitation to a drunken drug using child rapist douchebag.
You're a good mother who will protect her child from that crap and if he ever attempts to get visitation rights, ruin him. Take him to court and take him for all he owes you in back pay for support. Use his drinking and drugs to ensure he never gets a sniff.
Are you wrong? Not in the slightest, my father was the same and my mother did what she had to, to make sure he had no say in my life and nothing to do with me and for that I will be eternally grateful.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2012): If your child is happy and his father has not sought legal assistance to gain any sort of custody, I would let the matter rest until the child is old enough to understand. Then sit him down and explain the situation and ask if he would like contact with his father.
If this guy is known for hitting women, having sex with under age girls and he drinks too much and takes drug..is he even fit to be left with a young child? I would wait until your son is old enough to decide for himself if he would like to try and pursue any sort of relationship with this person.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2012): "So when I was 17 I gave birth to his child. My baby."
Clarification: When you were 17 you gave birth to his child. HIS baby.
"I have not let him once see my child."
Clarification: You have not let him once see HIS child.
"Do you think I am in the right for doing this?"
No, as a mother you do not have the right to unilaterally deny a child access to his father nor the right to deny a father access to his child. If you have what you believe are legitimate grievances against your baby daddy as a baby daddy and not an ex-boyfriend, then go to court where both baby daddy's and child's interests will be represented, not just yours.
As female anon advised, you need to have a court-approved order for child support and visitation in place. As a mother you have the legal obligation and moral responsibility to (at the VERY least) hold baby daddy financially accountable for knocking you up by supporting his child, with his wages garnished and child support taken directly from his paycheck before he can spend it if necessary. If you believe substance and/or alcohol abuse makes him unfit to have unsupervised visitation, then request supervised visitation.
If he chooses not to exercise his rights, that's a decision he made for himself, not one you forced upon him. You do not have the right to retaliate agianst your ex-boyfriend by using your baby daddy's child as a weapon against him. The child didn't pick his father, YOU did.
As oldbag suggests, and I don't disagree, baby daddy unlikely to take an active interest in his child's life but that's HIS conscious decision to make, not your arbitrary one, and in any event he is legally obligated to support his kid financially (especially if you are receiving government assistance, why should taxpayers support your kid when he has an able-bodied father not paying a cent).
Unfortunately druggie, alkie, quail-hunting, serial sperm depositor times five (and counting) is the only biological father your son will ever have. Don't punish an innocent child for your bad judgement; if the kid is going to grow up to hate a parent let it be the one who chose to ignore him, not the one who kept him away from his father.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (4 November 2012):
 Hi
I think its a hard decision to make, you made a mistake seeing him but you were young and know where you went wrong. You sound like you have made a great mum,its not easy bringing up a child and I can see why you want to protect him.
He IS the Dad though, hopefully paying child support too? He also lives very close by so as your child grows up they will ask questions,see him around and possibly WANT contact.
I think the best way to approach it is to let him see your child IF he asks, BUT arrange it so your mum,sister or both,are there with you,so your not alone with him.That way he knows its purely to see his child and nothing more.
By the sounds of him he won't be that interested but at least you have given him the opportunity to see his child.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2012): I don't think your wrong at all. He was 31 and having sex with a 16 year old.In my book, that's a sexual predator. He preyed on you and your vulnerability. The best thing you can do is set up a child support order if you haven't already and set up supervised visitation. Clearly this "boy" have some serious growing up to do. Best of luck to you and continue being a good mom!
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