A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend is obsessed with sex! He constantly tells about sex, tries it on.even when I have been ill. I had a colopscopy procedure a few months ago and it was meant to be 6 weeks recovery time..after a few days he told me I should be having sex with him as his ex had this procedure and was having sex the next day! I felt obliged to have sex so did so! He constantly gropes me and implies sex every time we are together. He tells me it's because he loves me so much and loves my body. I'm currently in bed with a cold and feel like shit, he sees this as an ideal situation to try and have sex. Am i being stupid? This really gets me down. We have an active sex life,once or twice a week depending on how busy we both are ( he has never been more than a week without) I have given in and had sex when I don't want it and he is very happy for me to do this! He says I don't love him and a massive part of a relationship is sex. He upset me the other night calling me fridge and then declared "great I ain't getting laid tonight now" this really hurt me. Am i in the wrong?
View related questions:
his ex, sex life Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (16 December 2018):
 Wow, what a creep. On the pull at a funeral?
This sounds like sexual harassment to me, just because you’re a couple doesn’t mean sex on tap. If this happened with a stranger in the street they’d be arrested for it, it doesn’t become acceptable because he’s your partner. I’d be dropping this guy like a bad habit.qq
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2018): I am in exactly the same situation my bf is obsessed with sex its three or 4 times a day and I can't cope really I don't know what to do been like this for a year since we met
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2018): I'm so glad you're going to read the book! It is such an eye-opener. I know how difficult it is to believe that someone who seemed great and you thought liked you, only has their interests at heart and don't care what they do to you or how they make you feel. It will be empowering for you as it was for me, to finally understand what has been going on and to hopefully make it much easier to dispense with him. I wish I could be there as you tell him to leave!
Stay safe though and maybe do it with someone else there as they can turn nasty when you assert yourself, as I'm sure you're aware! The book helps you with ways to leave safely.
Good luck
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2018): You’ve had plenty of advice . The very big majority of people are telling yoh this guys abusive . Now it’s up to make your decision. . Either you stay and put up with this crap and be quiet about it or get tell him to hit the road
It seems very straightforward to be honest .
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (13 December 2018):
 Unfortunately, the only way forward is: get rid of him or accept that you will only ever be a sex doll to him. You can’t complain if you stay because you know he won’t change.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm definitely going to look into that book as even the gaslighting stuff on Google sounds familiar. The way he causes arguments if he doesn't get sex and looks for reactions from me by saying if I'm not sleeping with him then I'm obv sleeping with other people. I'm attending a funeral next week and he has already told me I'm obv going to be cheating and on the pull there, at a funeral!!!! Seriously!!!! Thank you everyone
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (13 December 2018):
 He sounds pretty immature honestly?
You have to decide if this behavior is OK or not. Personally, I would want to date someone who thinks I am a leg to hump whenever HE wants to.
The fact that he seems to think can can't go without sex while you RECOVER from a medical procedure, that is insane. I get if he was a horny 19 year old but a guy in his 30's should have learned to accept it and respect it.
You are his blow up doll... not much else.
I had a BF who thought foreplay was him poking me with a hard-on... usually AFTER I had fallen asleep. So he basically expected me to wake up and be thrilled to have sex right then and there. NEEDLESS to say, I wasn't thrilled, nor did it put me in the mood for sex.
You know his behavior isn't the "norm" (not for a man in his 30's) but you have to decide if it's OK or a deal-breaker for YOU. Because HE isn't going to change. He will keep expecting you to "put" out on demand. Which for many would be OK for a while but long term? I doubt it.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2018): Hi I'm the anon who recited the blow job comment.
He isn't treating you as a human being. He isn't treating you as a person with their own wishes and needs and free will. Abusive people always treat their partner as if their needs and wants are of no importance whatsoever. Because, to your boyfriend, your wishes and needs and free will count for nothing. He only sees himself and throughout his whole life, he will only EVER see himself. This is not something you can cure. He has a personality disorder such as narcissist or psychopath.
Any more time that you spend with him will be totally detrimental to your mental and finally, your physical health. After having three relationships that were abusive (yes, I'm a slow learner, but I've learned my lesson now!), I have health problems that seriously impinge my everyday life and I am still having to try different ways to improve my health. I'm trying acupuncture now. All because of stress caused by these men. Please don't let him do this to you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThat is a very interesting comment as I've had comments very similar to the "give us a blowjob" comment. If we having a conversation about something, he will say "I bet you a bonk that is wrong" or "how about a bonk to set me up for the day" as soon as I get up in the morning to shower,He starts sulking as he knows he ain't getting it and then he sulks around making comments or name calling! I feel him in the night sometimes stroking and groping and makes me wonder if I'd need to even be awake for him to have a good time!!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2018): Of course he is happy to please you in bed for one it will keep you thinking he MUST care really and for two that's his street cred, since he is so focused on sex it wouldn't be cool to be labelled a shit shag!
So you stay with him because why, he's different? You think his behaviour shows he is really into you? Not really he has already bragged he was like that with other women.
His behaviour is nothing short of disgusting and I'm at a loss to understand why you would want to stay with the creep
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2018): Then ditch him and let him find some fool who is willing go put up with his adolescent nonsense
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2018): He is most definitely sexually abusive. He has no respect for you or your boundaries. Reducing you to a sex doll by trying to pull your pants down while you are trying to talk to him and then laughing at you for objecting is vile. An abusive man's modus operandi is to reduce you in some way. Whether it's name calling, making you feel as if you're going crazy by gaslighting you, attacking your self esteem or treating you as if you have no choice when it comes to sex other than pleasing him when and where he likes, are all abusive tactics. Some men/women choose verbal abuse, some choose mental cruelty, some choose physical violence to reduce and belittle you. He is choosing sexual abuse. It is a well known abusive tactic. He is being manipulative and when you try to assert yourself, he falls back on name calling and insulting you. Nice. He is being totally coercive and not thinking or caring about you at all. These are not the actions of a caring and loving partner and I'm sure you know this. It's why you've written here. A friend of mine opened up to me recently about her abusive husband whom she has now left thank God. She knew that I have had an assortment of abuse from men (including sexual abuse) and she knew she could confide in me. She told me that every single night when they first saw each other (they lived together) he would say 'Give us a blow job' and stick his penis in her face. Not 'How are you, have you had a nice day?' or anything of the sort, he just wanted to assert his dominance over her. Often it isn't always about sex, but being able to control you and dominate you is the aim. He wants to wear you down until you have sex with him whenever and wherever he wants. To compare you to his mates' girlfriends is beyond low. And obviously what he is telling you about his mates' girlfriends is an out and out lie to make you toe the line. I wouldn't give this man suggestions about sex nights or any other ways in which you could work together to solve this problem, because he is not interested in solving it. He knows that the way he is behaving is unacceptable and he is enjoying every minute of seeing you object and seeing if he can assert his dominance over you. Please read 'Why Does He Do That?' by Professor Lundy Bancroft. This is the best book I have ever read on abuse. He is an eminent psychologist who worked with abusive men for fifteen years and learned the abusive tactics from them first hand. If you are in any doubt that your boyfriend is abusive, you won't be once you have finished reading this book. You will recognise this man's behaviour within the pages.I would advise that you leave him as soon as possible, but that of course is up to you. I would not trust him or feel safe around him if I were you, because I know that this kind of behaviour escalates. Don't let him know that you're reading the book. He won't like that fact that you are finding out what his game really is.Good luck.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the advice everyone. It's really nice to have a guys view on it also. I have never had any problems with this in past relationships, so I don't know whether we are just not sexually compatible. He is always very happy to please me in bed but doesn't want to put the leg work in to build up to putting me In the mood as you say,he just gropes at me and expects me to be turned on. Tbh the constant pestering and groping is the massive turn off! He sulks if I say no and makes me out to be a Wierdo for not wantingit
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (12 December 2018):
Then break up with him; he’s a jerk. You know he’s manipulative, so no point staying. If you stay, you’re bringing it on yourself because you know what he’s like.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe would never agree to " sex days" he thinks he should be having it everyday like "his mates" I don't know what planet he lives on. He tries to manipulate me by saying that he has never had this problem with women before and all his mates are "having fun" with their fantastic girlfriends when he never gets it as I don't put out!!! He is no way happy with twice a week either..He only has to go 24 hours and he's going mad at me
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (12 December 2018):
It’s abusive - whether he means to be or not. No man can force you to have sex unless it’s rape. Learn to say NO and stick to it - someone who loves you will not manipulate you into it. You are not a sex object and you need to tell him that. If he keeps pressuring you into it, he does NOT love or respect you and you need to leave him.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2018): I've often been with women that had less sexual urge than me. I've rarely been with women who had more sexual urge than me. Sometimes, you find the right person that's on the same rhythm as you are. It doesn't mean they're the perfect person for you, as sex is only one part of the relationship. Yet, when sex is not working well, it's usually a bad sign.On his side: Arguably, guilt tripping someone is a light form of coercion. Guilt tripping someone into sex is like coercing them into it. That's something people usually construct as rape.From what you say, your boyfriend comes off as indeed very manipulative. However, it doesn't necessarily mean he's doing that out of sheer perversity. He might actually love you and feel pretty insecure. Note that this still is not an excuse to treat you as you describe. If you love him enough to put some effort, you might try to talk about those insecurities with him. A refusal to discuss this should raise a red flag.On your side: Ask yourself, and be honest, if you feel as much physical attraction to him as to other guys. Maybe with someone else, you'd feel more inclined to have sex. Maybe there are other factors that stop you. Outside being ill and/or tired, what are the factors that kill the mood? Are there some things that turn you on? Maybe you need to cuddle, talk, watch a movie, whatever to get in the mood whereas he wants to have sex right away? If you have an idea of what puts you in the mood, ask him to try to do that. On the other side, when you definitively don't feel like it, don't dance around the subject, simply say no, and refuse any form of negotiation.Do you have pleasure during intercourse? Does he make the effort to please you? Or is it only about his orgasm? Do you sometimes feel like your doing it only for his benefit? Your pleasure counts as much as his. If you take don't have much pleasure in bed, know that he's clearly using you, not loving you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2018): Wow what a creep . Someone who loves you cares about your health and would encourage you to follow your drs advice . Not go against it for his selfish sexual pleasure . I bet he is also the sort of guy who spends a lot of time looking at women on porn . Does he also claim to love them so
Much and be so attracted to them too ? Quite simply he is using you for his own pleasure and not eventreating you as human . It sounds abusive in a way too
Why are you with this guy ?
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (12 December 2018):
 I have heard that women need to feel loved to want sex, whereas men need sex to feel loved. Your boyfriend possibly genuinely feels you don't love him when you reject him. This does NOT excuse what he does to you nor make it right in any way, shape or form. It just puts it into context. You, on the other hand, don't feel loved for yourself, given his constant pestering, hence feel even less like having sex. You are caught in a vicious circle.
One way I have heard of getting round this is by actually agreeing certain days as "sex days". So, if you are both happy with having sex twice a week, allocate two days when you both make an effort and make time for each other. Other days he has to agree to back off and stop molesting you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2018): He needs to learn no means no and go back off . If he continues you will begin to resent him and your feelings may change .. tell him to get a blooming hobby your not a sex toy ..my husband and I had very high sex drive once we had kids priorities for me changed so I wasn't always in the mood per se . Yes some men see sex as love and it isn't. Mine learned so can yours . Just stand firm
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2018): He doesn't care one jot about you as a person, he cares about his own selfish needs and in my book that is not love.
He is name calling and manipulating you into thinking you have to have sex with him and that in my books makes him a nasty piece of work capable of abuse.
If he genuinely loved you he wouldn't treat you that way and would be concerned about your health. Get rid
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe have been together about 18 months he has lived here for about 6 months,he always says " you wanted sex all the time when we got together" who doesn't!? He always refers to his exes and says that he had loads of sex with them..as you say probably lies!
Even when I try and have a conversation with him he's not listening and groping me or pulling my pants down...He thinks this is funny! I don't!
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 December 2018):
First of all, OP
YOU need to learn to say no. He is manipulating you with name calling, lies (probably) and pouting to make you give in. And you cave.
While it's GREAT that he find you attractive and wants to be intimate (a lot) - either you two aren't really that well matched sexually or you are just letting him do whatever so you can seem like the best GF ever!
He is turning sex into something you dread, a chore. He is being a sex-pest. A selfish asshat. Quite simply.
If you are being told that you should wait 6 weeks recovery time, it means you NEED 6 weeks recovery time, it doesn't matter one simple FART that his ex didn't "need" recovery time. My guess is he is full of shit on that account. Unless he manipulated HER into having sex regardless of doctor's advice.
How long have you been together? And how long have you lived together?
Do you feel it's OK to pressure someone into having sex? Does that sit well with you?
He seems to not give a shit about your health, or respect you at all. You are there to SERVE...
My advice learn to stand up for yourself and say no, if you don't FEEL like it, then HE needs to respect that.
...............................
|
