A
female
age
30-35,
*ldiesGyrl
writes:My boyfriend is 22 years old and still lives at home. He's the founder of a clothing company in which is continuing to grow although it has only been established for a few years. He makes enough money to continuously buy new clothes, sneakers, and pay for expensive dinners at restaurants. However, he doesn't even have his own car; he always borrows his mother's car and sometimes he uses it to take me out. He has a toddler brother who he looks after when he isn't busy or at his office. About myself, I'm 24. I have my own place and my own car. I work as well. But the situation is weird. Whenever we have sex, we always do so at my place. That's my fault because I allow that to happen. Overall, I just feel partly ashamed because I'm already established on my own, and he isn't. Although he can easily move out on his own as well. He's always telling me that heaven sent me to him, and he wants to give me his last name, but I'm just wondering why he's procrastinating if he's so set on us having a life together.Is he being lazy or am I just being insensitive?
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female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (5 November 2012):
 Hi
Are his parents divorced, you don't mention his father? If she is a single parent or divorced it could be the reason he stays at home.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2012): Hi
Are his parents divorced, you don't mention his father? If she is a single parent or divorced it could be the reason he stays at home.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2012): Hey. I'm not saying you're anal or inconsiderate. All I'm saying is that you're expecting him to make all of these changes (whether at once or one after the other, you still want ALL of those changes), then these are huge things you do not like about him. The guy is young. 22 is an adult, yes, but that's a young adult, and perhaps his upbringing, family responsibility (brother), etc. keeps him from seeing that he should make th change to being more independent. Or maybe he's just scared. Moving out on your own is a huge responsibilty. Maybe he's worried that if his business fails, he'll lose his home if he's alone. His only real problem is that he has an appetite for expensive clothes and food. These are things to talk to him about.
I'm not trying to be gender biased, and quite frankly, it'd be more socially acceptable to live at home with mom and dad if you are a young girl rather than a young man. My complaint stems from
the fact that you came here to complain
about him to strangers when you haven't given
any indication that you've calmly tried to talk to him about this same topic that's bothering you. All coming here was mean to accomplish was validate your feelings that he's a lazy freeloader. Quite a few people have said they think he's just trying to enjoy life as he sets up the business or that he is doing other things for himself, etc., but you've not really said much if anything to them. That, to me, shows you couldn't care less about that advice. You just wanted to vent in a passive aggressive way that doesn't endanger the relationship. Once again, I could be wring, but if I am, prove it. Talk to the man! Do you love him? Do you really like him? Do you want a future together? Well then you need to talk to him. Help shape his goals with him. If you see that he's not trying hard enough for the sake of his business (YouWish made some brilliant points in her last post and now I understand where she's coming from), then talk to him about it in a nice way. I know you're worried about sounding like a nag, but if you try hard enough, there's always a way to say something kindly without it bring taken the wrong way.
If you've never spoken to him about how you feel, then only taking the advice that he's a freeloader will cause you to get more frustrated and then just go off on him one day and you'll end up releasing all sorts of ents in a mean, nasty way. I'm saying you should consider taking a brighter route, one that helps him to grow as a person, and grants you the kind of relationship you're looking for. There's no target on his chest, but there's no obvious target for his goals either. You can help with that. Some people aren't as goal-oriented as YouWish, who seems to be a prime example of someone who had it all figured out from a young age. But he's from a different generation, and maybe he's not as self-motivated. You can help with that. It doesn't mean you'd be baby-ing him. You'd just be guiding him like any good girlfriend or boyfriend should.
I hope I didn't offend you and I wish you good luck.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (5 November 2012):
 That's just it. Only 22? At what age is an able-bodied, non-student man require that he start making his own way in the world?? He works. He's an adult. He can drink, smoke, vote, sign contracts, and his mom can not claim him as a dependent and receive any tax break or earned income credit for his being in the house.
The ability to support yourself *IS* the spoils of your income. It's not fair to drain his mom's resources and money that she earned..what one might call the spoils of HER years of service to society so that he can jetset around eating expensive meals and the finest clothes. That's not reality.
I can accept if he's running a clothing company that he needs to keep his clothes up to date, just as the owner of a hair replacement clinic should have a good head of hair. However, a business owner who runs through money like water on entertainment and frivolity isn't going to make it in this world, and his mom shouldn't have to support him indefinitely. Will he replace her car because his use of it shortens its lifespan? Is he paying for the insurance? Is he helping with the bills and groceries and upkeep there?? Is he helping to keep his mom's house maintained and doing his own chores such as laundry, cleaning, etc?
I must qualify my remarks because I know people think I'm harsh when it comes to this guy, so without getting too personal, let me explain where I'm coming from:
One of my dreams when I was a teenager was to become independent, and the day I signed the first lease on my apartment was one of the best days of my life. Another great day of mine was when I had saved up the money to buy the company I worked for from the owner I had worked for for 6 years. I ate Ramen noodles or whatever else I could spend under a dollar for, paid my way through college, and I wouldn't change it for the world. I worked for bare bones while I expanded the business, which paid off. I teach my son the value of money, and that a hard day's work buys independence and self-sufficiency, and that its reward is so much more satisfying.
I understand that this guy isn't me, but I have many friends who are also founders of businesses and entrepeneurs, and I know that the ones who don't make it are the ones who value living flashy, expensive lives for show, while the ones who make it eat, sleep, and breathe the business, working insane hours per day and living frugally, but living on their own.
What I really hope is that if I'm wrong and his business really takes off, that he repays his mom for what she's doing for him. But I fear he's making the wrong choices with his money, and is being insulated from the true view of reality and the risks that his money choices are putting onto him.
He's no teenager working for McDonald's anymore trying to earn some pocket change to go date women.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2012): He's ONLY 22 not 32, perhaps he is enjoying the spoils his income brings before all the boring responsibility of being a homeowner. Only thing surprises me is he does not own a car.Fashion is his Business so he has to keep up appearances to look smart to look the part.If it all falls out of bed he can try something else, he is only young, barely out of teens.At least he is trying.By living at home he is able to take risks. I would say the same if it was you in his situation its not gender based.
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A
female
reader, OldiesGyrl +, writes (5 November 2012):
OldiesGyrl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo "A male reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2012):"
I smell a double-standard. It's quite fine and dandy for a man to desire more in terms of his significant other. But when a woman desires the same she's viewed as an anal, inconsiderate, high-maintenance beast of a significant other. Does it help the relationship when he calls me mad as hell after he has just had a blow-out argument with his mother, and tells me that he wants to gather his belongings and get out? I call that procrastination. "He lives at home. So what?" Would you honestly maintain the same sentiment if this were reversed with him being on his own, and me being the one still living at home while having the means to go elsewhere? You're making it sound as if he's standing on one side of a room with a target on his chest, and I'm on the opposite side of the room aiming at the target with a bow and arrow.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2012): Seems to me that you did not come here with an open mind to receive advice, but rather to have people recite what you wanted to hear (based on who you chose to reply to). If you've already decided in your mind and heart that he's a freeloader, you don't have a mutual respect for him (not fully), and this will only cause the breakdown of your relationship. If this arrangement bothers you so much, communicate with him and see if he's interested in the same things you are. Ask him what are his long-term goals. Looking down at him (mentally) and thinking he should follow the same path you have isn't any way to be in a relationship. He lives at home. So what? Maybe there's more to this. Talk to him. But ask yourself this: If he had his own car and place, what would honestly change? Only your opinion of him, and that's a sign that you have a low opinion of him now. If that's how it is, then you might as well save yourself and him the extra few months or so, and end it now. If I've got it all wrong, then talk to him about your concerns instead of just venting online. Respect and communication are vital in a relationship. If you don't have that, you're doomed. May sound harsh, but that's the facts.
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A
female
reader, OldiesGyrl +, writes (5 November 2012):
OldiesGyrl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLonelyTwo,In terms of his business, what actually worries me most of all is that he doesn't have a backup plan in which would provide as a lifebuoy should his business not skyrocket in the manner in which he desires. His business is all in which he's relying and banking on in terms of reaching the point of comfort and wealth. Considering the fact that the fashion industry is extremely cut-throat, either he'll stand out or he'll get lost in the raffle. There are no guarantees which is why I believe it would be smart to plan ahead. Of course I'm behind him in his quest for success, but along with that, I also hope that he won't lose touch with reality. We aren't talking about a field in which is stable; we're talking about a field in which may be booming one minute, and then may fizzle the next.He DID mention that he wants to save money in order to be able to purchase his own home. However, timing can be unpredictable and no one knows what the future holds. Planning can be done, but if one isn't doing so for the time being and mainly focusing on achieving wealth then one's mind is obviously closed.Having sex at my place isn't the issue. Alternating between my place as well his own, in terms of visiting each other period even without sex, would be more sensible rather than wear out my welcome continuously stepping foot into his mother's house. She calls the shots, and she has the right to decide whether she does or doesn't want multiple individuals walking back and forth. And never would I dare be intimate with him there because that would be highly disrespectful. And I still maintain that he's freeloading. All of the necessities in which have to be paid for he doesn't contribute to. I consider that freeloading. Overall, it isn't about my wants being met over his, or/and vice versa, and I do take offense to you having deemed me in the form of a corporation that has employed my boyfriend to meet my standards. Also, this isn't to bash my boyfriend nor is it intended to emasculate him. All in which I've typed in detail is as in depth as I can go; I don't know how much more specific it could be in order for you to understand.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (4 November 2012):
Here's the thing. If his living arrangements with his mom were goal oriented (i.e. he was living with her to take the money he'd normally use on rent/living costs to expand the business), then he would be living a very austere and borderline spartan life. True business owners intent on expanding the business and ensuring longevity don't pay themselves. They are very conscious about every penny they spend, and take any and all profits and put them back into the company.
Trust me, I've been there. It takes an enormous amount of discipline to start and grow a business, and 95% fail within the first 5 years of inception. The ones who make it do NOT waste a single penny, rather investing that money back into the company and other investments until not only do they work hard, but the money they make works hard independently. Typically, they'll buy a new car and drive it until the wheels fall off (the most economic choice). They choose their clothes for value and not for flashiness.
Above all, a business owner loathes dependence of any kind on anyone else. Living off of his mom while spending extravagantly is a one-way ticket to bad business practices. The only other way I could see this working is if she was a partner in this business with an ownership share.
No. He *is* sponging, and though it may seem on the surface to be a better deal for him, it's dishonest. When you can afford to support yourself, you should. He's not facing true reality, which keeps a business owner hungry and driven.
You say he's interested in living with you? Before that happens, you need to think like a business owner as well. Draw up a budget of expenses, from rent to utilities to groceries and home maintenance costs. Is he intending to use your car like he's used his mom's? He pays for his gas, upkeep/maintenance and depreciation of your vehicle due to added mileage then. Do you own your own place, or do you rent?? If you own, draw up in writing what he pays per month and what day. Household repairs will also be something he'll have to contribute to as well if they arise, from storm damage to renter/property insurance.
He's not used to having to pay for his own toilet paper. He's not used to paying utilities. You are, and you know that it's a jarring experience when the time comes to leave the nest, so to speak.
To protect yourself, let's say that if you do decide to have him move in with you, DO NOT under any circumstances increase your spending to compensate for his being there. In fact, if he's splitting rent/utilities/food/etc. with you, take that money that you were spending 100% of yourself and SAVE IT. Keep your budget at current levels in case this guy starts flaking out on you or his business goes under. It's not the time to go buying a new car, a new lifestyle, or add new things to it, and OMG...do NOT get pregnant! Even moreso, do not inform the guy that you are saving the money.
Do NOT get joint bank accounts until you marry. Never do this, never get joint credit cards or a joint mortgage. Do NOT co-sign for him. DON'T DO IT.
Go with your gut. Like I said, I'd not date a guy who had a life like this, but if you're determined, and he wants to move out of her house, you need to be even more shrewd than he is when it comes to your money. If you're used to paying 100% of everything while he's there, then keep your budget at the same amount and save every single penny of extra savings you might earn if he were to move in and help pay expenses.
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A
female
reader, OldiesGyrl +, writes (4 November 2012):
OldiesGyrl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYouWish,
Exactly. He has the job and the money to support himself, but yet he's still getting the milk for free without buying the whole cow. He doesn't stay with me; the only time he stays over is after we've had sex, and then he goes home. To go from living with his mother to us getting a place together, I just don't feel that-that would be the best thing to do. Especially since he doesn't have a sense of independence in terms of living on his own.
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A
female
reader, OldiesGyrl +, writes (4 November 2012):
OldiesGyrl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionblonde30s,
I understand your point, but I figure that if one has the money to continuously splurge, then he or she has the money to at least have their own place. His mother's household is under control, and she's quite young herself in her 40s. My point is that technically he's only paying his way to a certain extent. He doesn't contribute to the mortgage; his mother does that. And to continuously borrow her car when he can get his own is pointless in my eyes. So yes, in a way, he's freeloading. Waiting for the right person to come along in order to build a life with them is one thing, but he's never experienced living on his own. He has no idea what's it's like to do so. It's isn't always peaches and cream nor is it easy, but at least he'd get the 'feel' of being independent. I don't think that simply moving from home, and then jumping right into living together is a wise idea. He needs a haven to call his own.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2012): I don't think this guy is freeloading or sponging off anyone. He clearly pays for his own meals and clothing, and pays to keep his business afloat. I think that he is hesitant to get his own place, because it'd be an extra-added expense that he may not be able to afford comfortably until it grows more. That's probably why he's still at home with his parents. It's a safety net. He should look into getting his own car though. It's like a badge of independence that makes you free of the restrictions of public transpiration schedules and those of whom lend you their car.
My fiancé and I live together, and since our car went to automobile heaven, we've been graciously lent her mom's second car. We are looking to get our own though (as she does need it back at various intervals), and he should too. Try to bring up him getting his own car. Say it in a way that doesn't put him down for not having one, but let's him know he'd be in control of his own time with one.
As for your sex life, maybe it's cause it's his parent's place, and he has a little brother there too. It sounds pretty inappropriate when you think about it. That said, what's wrong with sex at your place? I guess sleeping over your lover's home does give you a certain feeling of acceptance, so I understand to a degree. Is it also that you'd like to move in together? If that's the case, bring it up. If he can afford to pay his portion (and will), then it could be a better arrangement once he has his own car. I wish you the best of luck.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (4 November 2012):
Hi
I would say your just ahead of him, whereas he has no concept of being independant, you do.His family allow him to stay at home so he has no need to change his lifestyle,no motivation to leave home.He is also a handy babysitter for them.
He has you to come to, with your own place, so his life is just hunky dory.Why would he want to change it? If he had left home he would probably not have been in a financial position to start a business but now its established he could.
If you want somebody who is your equal with the same outlook on life,same priorities,if this is important to you, then he is not the right partner for you.I think you will be waiting a few years for this one to change.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (4 November 2012):
Actually, he's being a freeloader on you and his parents. He is old enough to support himself, yet he spends on selfish pursuits for himself, short-changing his mom and you.
This is a RED FLAG. This does not change when a guy is this comfortable with being selfish. If he were temporarily unemployed and was pulling himself back to his feet, or if he were disabled, or if his mom needed his help, that's one thing. However, he's sponging off of her, using her car, her house, her money to feed him. Think that'll change? Nope. You'll take Mommy's place.
What he is doing is obscene. He makes enough money, buys toys and expensive dinners, but expects other people to support him. I'd break it off so fast it would make his head spin, because it will not get any better.
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