A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi Everyone I have a really big dilemma and don’t know what to do. Long story short. I was seeing this guy for a little over 2 months. Things were going amazing, we got along well, we wanted the same things out of life, we had many of the same views and values, we never argued about anything. Initially I was weary after getting out of 2 previous abusive relationships but I allowed myself to drop my guard and let this new beginning take me where it may. Then... we took a vacation. Everything was amazing. We had a great time, we didn’t fight, no one got excessively drunk and had something stupid happen... it was the best vacation I ever had. We said our “I love you’s” on that trip. Then on the second last day he tells me that he was suddenly having dreams about his ex wife and that he missed his family. (Not her, but his family). I wasn’t sure how to handle it but he said he’d probably be fine once we got home. I let it go and we continued the trip. He’d hold my hand, he’d hug me, he’d dance with me, he’d call me baby. Then the last night he says “I can’t do this.” And my world crashed. He said he didn’t want to loose me, I’m the best thing that has happened to him since he split from the ex a year and a half ago, but that he just can’t do this right now and needs time to just work and concentrate on his kids. Since we have been back. I’ve seen him twice. First time was just a coffee and it was awkward but ok. Then we went out a week later with a bunch of friends and he reverted back to his old self. I was baby again, I had his arms around me all evening and in our alone moments I was in his arms and he was whispering in my ear that he loves me, but needs time, doesn’t want to lead me on, and he’s so sorry. He drove me home the next day and we talked about a bunch of things but he again re stated that he’s just going to work and focus on the kids. Said he’s not thrilled about the idea of me dating but wants me happy. Since then (2 weeks ago) I’ve heard from him once. It was a very generic “hey, how are you”. We had about 10 small talk texts back and forth and that was it. I’m leaving him alone. I don’t text him unless he texts me. I’m trying to be strong and let him do what he needs but it’s killing me inside. I miss him so much. I’m interested in hearing thoughts on this. Do I just walk away and forget it all?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (20 April 2018):
 It is great that his friends have made an effort with you, but they probably just want to see him happy. His friends have probably saw him going through the divorce and want to see him move on. But they also know he moves to quick with things. If you are the third girl he has moved to quick with then this really does show that he is not ready to be in a relationship. I think he is still grieving his marriage and instead off rushing in to things with women he needs to take a step back and take some time to himself.
Again he obviously cares about you when he has introduced you to his family, however he introduced you to his children way to soon. It has only been two months and well the children shouldn't be involved until things are more serious. His friends want to see him happy but saying you are the one for him is not there choice it is his and from what you write he cannot commit at the moment. If he really wanted to he would there is nothing stopping him only himself. Personally I wouldn't wait for him. Because if he loved you as much as he says he does he would make things work. I can understand why you are finding it difficult to let go, but honestly can he not have you and his children both in his life? His children aren't going anywhere so what is going to change down the line?
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (20 April 2018):
 I agree with Janniepeg,
There are people out there who WANTS to GF/BF experience but can't really handle a full-time relationship because they either aren't ready for one, not really willing to commit or whatever else excuse.
This guy WANT to "fantasy" of having a partner, someone to love, someone to do things with, intimacy, etc. etc. Basically he is trying to recreate what he lost when he got divorced. what he doesn't SEEM to CARE about or grasp that that EVERY-TIME he share those "I love yous" the other person GETS hurt, because THEY have invested in HIM emotionally. That is kind of cruel of him. And if he has pulled that "trick" more than once, then SHAME on him for playing games with other people's emotions.
But ONCE the fantasy becomes TOO real (as in exchanging I love yous) he realize that he can't DO a relationship right now. Sounds like he has a LOT of baggage and unfinished business with his ex-wife. He may not LOVE her deeply anymore - but he WANTS what he had back (the family). And that is not so strange, but it also means HE isn't ready to date ANYONE.
It's ONLY been 2 months. You will get over him.
I would definitely step away from him AND his friends.
He should NEVER have introduced you to his kids after ONLY 2 months (or less) it's WAY to soon. And not fair on you OR... the kids. Can you imagine? A revolving door of "Daddy's GF's"? Not good for the kids.
I think you should move on with life. And I would, If I were you, let him know that you wish him the best but you can't sit on your hand while he sorts himself out.
He might not be ready to date in a year or 5 or 10.. and then what? You are to WASTE your life waiting for him to figure stuff out?
Again, not fair.
Wish him well, block him. And I'd say leave his friends be too.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (20 April 2018):
 Missing his family doesn't mean he can't go into a new relationship. He didn't say he missed his ex wife. It's normal for people to dream of exes even if it means nothing.
I had a guy who "loved" me too. I also met his family after 2 months. I was sure he was over his ex too. Then all of a sudden he couldn't do it either.
My conclusion is that when divorce changes people. Suddenly people had the feeling that if nothing lasts forever, then why even bother?
The whirlwind honeymoon thing gives people a glimpse of happily ever after, then when it ends it gives them the cruel realization that this can't sustain in normal life.
I also felt that when guys say they "loved" me, there is a certain sadness overtone in it. It was a feeling like meeting a long lost friend, but with no promise that the connection will last. A part of me knew even if it felt real at the moment, it's not real in the sense that it can sustain the time and trials. People who fall in love fast usually want the passion all the time, when it gets boring they just give up and it's not love anymore.
He can only feel that love when his kids are not there. Once he's away from his kids he feels guilty of making a romantic life for himself. Kids do take away the romance. It would be enviable to see blended families who could do this instead of just having a mutually beneficial relationship like having an extra babysitter and sharing bills.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (20 April 2018):
 If you really want to wait a while for him to sort himself out (which I can understand as you thought you had found something special with him), then you need to set yourself a time limit, otherwise you could be in the same position months and even years down the line, just treading water and waiting for him to decide whether he wants a relationship with you.
It was very wrong of him to tell you he loved you when he knew he wasn't emotionally available for a steady relationship.
He is keeping you on the back burner in case he changes his mind. Don't let him waste any more of your time than you are willing to allow. Consider yourself a free agent and, if the opportunity arises, date other guys. You may find one who is everything this guy was AND available.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI’m the OP for this post.
Firstly I want to say thanks for the responses! There has been some very thoughtful input.
I should mention that his friends have “adopted” me for the lack of a better way of saying it.
I have been told that he has a habit of doing this. Getting in to something too fast, then breaking up with them. Mind you, I’m also told that there were valid reasons with the other 2 girls he dated.
I’m the only one that met his family and the kids. The friends think I’m the “one” but I haven’t really talked to them much about it because I feel that talking to the friends is just way too risky.
One told me to cut him loose. The other told me that he really does love me and to wait for him.
I don’t chase people. As soon as he said he needed time I stopped. I don’t / wont put myself through chasing a “maybe” to only have him do this again in 5 months.
The thought of letting him go though just seems so unreal especially when I know it’s not because of an issue between us that can’t be resolved
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2018): Yes, leave him alone and move on. He's wasting your time, and it seems he's trying to keep you available for sex; or when he feels like female-company. All the while his EX and HIS KIDS are really on his mind. He's also using that excuse to keep you at an arm's-length.
You are mature and experienced enough to know that when you go on vacation that is a relaxing and euphoric experience. Everything seems right, and thinking you're in-love is just a side-effect from all the hormones and pleasantries associated with it. Thus, people take honeymoon-vacations after their marriage ceremony. To booster the euphoria and promote intimacy.
Give love time to be well-established. Don't let eagerness, or neediness, overcome your common-sense and sense of reality.
This seems like a guy still undergoing post-divorce adjustments; and he's also trying to keep his love-life going.
Here's warning for the future. Just leaving him alone doesn't mean waiting until you think he's more emotionally-available. That requires you to put your life on-hold waiting for him. Don't do that to yourself. That's allowing other people (men in particular) to determine your destiny. You have to sometimes tell the heart what it must do; and not let the heart make you do things that will ultimately break it.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (19 April 2018):
There are men and women who knowingly know they don't want long term relationships but still date and say "I love you" to people. When you were on vacation, who had the kids? His wife. That was a precious time for him to getaway, forget about his mundane life. What did he do, he picked someone unsuspecting of his motives to have a fantasy honeymoon with. Now it's his turn to take care of his kids and it will be a long long time before he gets another vacation like that again. "I can't do this, I miss my wife, my kids are my priority" are all lines to make him sound less guilty.
He needs time. That time means another scarce opportunity to be away from the kids again. That's all that means. He doesn't want to pay babysitter for date nights. Doesn't want to burden himself with calling or texting back and forth. At night he just wants to have quiet time after his kids sleep. Whether it's watching sports, news, porn etc.
Good news is that you are free to date whoever you want. Bad news is that the ones in your age group are experiencing the same thing. The ones who are childless probably have their own reasons. I guess when you date someone and hear they have kids, the first thing you ask is, how much time they can spare for you on a weekly basis, if there's any time at all.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (19 April 2018):
Honestly I think the best thing that you can do for yourself in this situation is to walk away. If you don't do it now then you will only drag this out and keep getting hurt. It has been two months and it is clear that he is not ready to get in to a serious relationship. His head is not in it at the moment and he is being straight with you. He needs to focus on his children and he also needs to get over his wife. He is not ready for anything serious but you are. So honestly don't allow him to keep messing you around and coming and going from your life or you will only keep getting hurt.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2018): The problem here is that he has children and misses the family unit. He had a good time with you and has developed feelings but my hunch is that has scared him. A year and a half when it comes to children involved is not an overly long time and despite how he feels for you he may still also have feelings for his ex wife (only he knows that). He has pretty much told you he expects you to date so with that in mind he seems pretty sure he doesn't at this moment see him changing his own mind. He may also have grown fond of you and the L word came out and he has realized it has gone beyond what he initially expected from the relationship, two months in is very quick to say 'I love you' especially again that he has not long been out of what was clearly a serious relationship.Who knows if he will decide you are the one for him, i would personally take what he has said as he means what he says, be friends if you feel you can be, if it hurts too much too, cut him off and if he misses you he will let you know. Sometimes people get caught up in the moment and a nice holiday together could have fueled that. Sadly you could really be the perfect one for him but we don't choose who gets under our skin do we and he may have thought he had gone too far saying those words.You have done nothing wrong, you are clearly a nice lady, he has made his choice, best revenge is too be happy and if he is meant to be in your future he will realize what he has lost, good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2018): Hi. Sorry you're having a hard time. From what you describe he seems really immature and unreliable, even somewhat manipulative. You clearly want something steady and he's all hot-and-cold. It's not fair. I think he is actually leading you on regardless of what he says. Even if the issues with work and his kids were real (I'm not stating he's lying but we don't have enough info about it), he has no right to put you in this position. You deserve so much better
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