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Dear Cupid > Forums > Cupid's Lounge > JOKE BY JOBY

JOKE BY JOBY

joby30, posted over a year ago

Two honeymooning ducks in a hotel....

As they are about to make love, The drake says "We dont have any condoms, I'll call room service". So he calls and ask for condoms. The receptionist says "Certainly sir, Would you like me to put them on your bill?" "No you daft twat." He replied, " I'll fooking suffocate!!!!!

Posted on 1 April 2008 @ 19:47 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Duck goes into a bar!!!!!

"GOT ANY BREAD? Barman says no!

He goes back the next day "GOT ANY BREAD? Barman says NO!!!!!!!He still goes back next day GOT ANY BREAD? Barman says "NO! If you come back ill nail ur fooking beak to the bar!"

Duck goes in the next day says," GOT ANY NAILS? Barman says NO! "GOT ANY BREAD THEN!!!" BOOM BOOM!!!!!!

Posted on 2 April 2008 @ 13:59 (London time) - permalink
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BigSis, posted over a year ago

Pope Benedict XVI was not the Cardinals' first pick as Pope.

They wanted Cardinal Secola from Brazil.

Problem was, they didn't want to deal with the world calling him 'Pope Secola.'

Posted on 6 April 2008 @ 2:26 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Customer: How much is that duck?

Shopkeeper: Ten pounds.

Customer: Okay, could you please send me the bill?

Shopkeeper: I'm sorry, but you'll have to take the whole bird!!!!!bing bang bong!!!!!

Posted on 10 April 2008 @ 4:25 (London time) - permalink
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birdynumnums, posted over a year ago

Celine Dion Walks into a bar.

"Why the long face?"

Posted on 10 April 2008 @ 20:14 (London time) - permalink
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Jamer70, posted over a year ago

in 2002, 100 "ladies of the night" in Washington DC were asked if they would ever sleep with President Clinton

30 replied "no"

10 replied "yes"

60 replied "Never again"

Posted on 10 April 2008 @ 20:25 (London time) - permalink
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BigSis, posted over a year ago

Two women knocked at my door this morning, asked me what kind of bread I ate, so I told them...'white'.

Then for 45 minutes they were going on and on about the benefits of brown bread.

Bloody Hovis Witnessess!!

Posted on 11 April 2008 @ 1:30 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who

1) would treat her nicely,

2) wouldn't run away from her, and

3) would be good in bed.

Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs.

"I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you."

"Yes, but are you good in bed?"

"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

Posted on 11 April 2008 @ 5:58 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! IRISH!!!!!!GIRL THATS FUNNY!!!!!!!

Posted on 11 April 2008 @ 15:5 (London time) - permalink
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birdynumnums, posted over a year ago

Which Newspaper?

Posted on 11 April 2008 @ 18:49 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

The errection post!!!!!Is that right Irish hun xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Posted on 12 April 2008 @ 13:0 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Ha, Mandy...good one!!

Posted on 12 April 2008 @ 15:51 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the loo. A few minutes later, a loud, bloodcurdling scream is heard. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes my nuts."

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!" TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!HEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!! XXXXXXX

Posted on 12 April 2008 @ 16:16 (London time) - permalink
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BigSis, posted over a year ago

OUCH!!!!

A woman rings her boss and says, "I wont be in work today ~ i've got anal blindness", Boss says, "What's that then?"

She says, "I can't see me arse getting out of bed today".

Posted on 13 April 2008 @ 12:52 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"

"What did he say? What's he want?"

His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear." :) xxxxxxx

Posted on 17 April 2008 @ 13:33 (London time) - permalink
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BigSis, posted over a year ago

Mandy, your sick!!....but funny!

I was in the cemetary the other day and I saw 4 men carrying a coffin round and round, then passing by a few hours later I saw the same men with the same coffin still walking around....I thought to myself....They've lost the fuckin' plot!!!

Posted on 17 April 2008 @ 17:13 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Hunny I serri arse think the plot lost me!!!!!!

Posted on 17 April 2008 @ 18:55 (London time) - permalink
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BigSis, posted over a year ago

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up.

Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!!!!

**Don't Mess With Old Ladies**

Posted on 24 April 2008 @ 22:53 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

A little boy asks his mother the following question:

"Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"

His mother looks at him and says "Son, it's to show all your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."

He thanks his mother, but decides to double check by asking his father.

"Dad, why are wedding dresses white?"

His father, somewhat surprised, looks at his little boy and says

"Son, all household appliances come in white."

Posted on 27 April 2008 @ 22:42 (London time) - permalink
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BigSis, posted over a year ago

Oooh, that's not nice.

: (

Last night my sister and I were sitting in my office chatting, and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

She's such a bitch.

Posted on 28 April 2008 @ 0:45 (London time) - permalink
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birdynumnums, posted over a year ago

Oohh, that's not nice!

Throwing out wine? What ever happened to recycling?

Posted on 28 April 2008 @ 1:45 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Yea, I know it's not nice, but it did give me a chuckle when it arrived in my mail. I'm only the messenger so don't shoot me, and I'm surprised it only rattled two cages!

Sorry girls. Well, almost. I still love you all though!

XXXX

Posted on 28 April 2008 @ 11:2 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

My sister would actually do that mate!!!!!!Throwing out wine they can drip feed me anything, As long as Ive got someone to shave me bits n colour me hair JUST INCASE IM NORMAL AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!I am normal is'nt I?

Posted on 28 April 2008 @ 11:5 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Not mine mate my cage is rattle proof XXXXXXXXXXX

Posted on 28 April 2008 @ 11:7 (London time) - permalink
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TELLULAH, posted over a year ago

No one thinks I am!!! And as we all get on so well, I'm guessing that your not either. But your lovely!! and who on earth wants to be normal anyway? XXXX

Posted on 28 April 2008 @ 11:10 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Not me hun always said it always will, Im abnormal n lovin it!!!!(:0)XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Posted on 28 April 2008 @ 11:16 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

My niece sent me a joke, I want to share with all of you. You may have seen it, as it's making it's email rounds...but thought it was good for a chuckle.

__________________________

Guts vs Balls

Guts or Balls? There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, and to alleviate further confusion, the following definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

_________________________

Posted on 2 May 2008 @ 2:39 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Tee Hee! oh irish your a fookin scream hun And Im bad I cant sort my language out I must act more like a lady.....OH BUGGER IT IM NO LADY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Posted on 2 May 2008 @ 3:23 (London time) - permalink
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BigSis, posted over a year ago

*Maude and Mable*

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain, one of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mable: A condom, this way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mable: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely {she is after all, over 80 years of age}, and very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted.

: ^ P

Posted on 7 May 2008 @ 13:53 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

We need a joke. Here's another one, my neice sent me.

______________________________

A very tired nurse walks into a bank,

Totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.

Preparing to write a check,

She pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse

And tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake,

She looks at the flabbergasted teller

And without missing a beat, she says:

'Well, that's great...that's just great....

Some a**hole's got my pen!'

Posted on 20 May 2008 @ 4:5 (London time) - permalink
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PeterPan, posted over a year ago

That was funny!!

Posted on 20 May 2008 @ 5:24 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Irish that was so funny, i remember when i was a kid my mam used to be a staff nurse at a hospital in Durham, the stories she used to come out with, no joking, and it was usually just as you sat down for breakfast, cos she did night shift.....

Posted on 20 May 2008 @ 9:56 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

Thanks for the much needed humor, we all needed the lift, Irish.

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom & gloom pessimist.

Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.

That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.

"Why are you crying?" the father asked.

"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken." answered the pessimist twin.

Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.

To which his optimist twin replied,

"There has got to be a pony in here somewhere!"

Posted on 20 May 2008 @ 12:34 (London time) - permalink
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BigSis, posted over a year ago

Three bodies turn up at a mortury, all with smiles on their faces. The cop asks, "Why are they all smiling?"

Coroner says, "First guy died of a heart attack ~ shagging his wife, hence his smile. Second guy won the lottery and spent it all on whisky and died of alco poisoning. Third guy was unusual tho' ~ Paddy from Belfast got struck by lightening!"

The cop says, "Why the fuck was he smiling?"

Coroner replies; "Silly bastard thought he was having his photo taken!"

: )

Posted on 21 May 2008 @ 13:9 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Oh gosh...laughing do hard here. My sis in law sent this one to me!

________________________________

Nursing Home...

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?'

Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him.

'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?'

Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him.

Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his 'dingle-dong' in his hand.

'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again!'

Posted on 7 June 2008 @ 2:5 (London time) - permalink
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birdynumnums, posted over a year ago

HAHAHAHAHAHA! I love it! This is actually a true story about one of my son's friends and it did happen. The Ontario Police had a little promotion and were pulling over drivers to thank them for their good behavior. Our son's friend, *Ken*, had been out pub hopping with the rest of the crowd and should NOT have been driving. The police pulled him over. He remained calm through all of the questions, and managed to pull out his wallet and hand them his license without tipping them off. The police, satisfied, thanked him for being a good citizen and then handed him a "Mitt Ice Scraper", one of those windshield ice scrapers that has a furry mitt over the end of it to keep your hands warm.

Ken took it from the officer and blew into it.

That's when they asked him to get out of the car...

Posted on 7 June 2008 @ 2:33 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

lol--I loved that story, Birdy. What happened to the friend who blew into the "Mitt Ice Scraper"??

Here is another good joke sent to me. Frankly, I thought this one was hilarious!

**************

A Bottle of Merlot

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman who is seated over there." and indicated the sender with a nod

of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man who sent the wine over, then decided to send a reply back to him by a note.

The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from

her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

She had written:

"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants"

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

He had written to her in reply:

"Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be. I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my

several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen , Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches.. Just send the bottle back."

Posted on 8 June 2008 @ 22:39 (London time) - permalink
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birdynumnums, posted over a year ago

And I'll bet he has a Unicorn in his stables as well...

Tee hee hee!

Our little friend "Ken" got busted for DUI and payed a fine, temporary loss of licence and a had a blow into this/key/starter thingy installed in his car! And I now need one after that last martini...

Posted on 9 June 2008 @ 3:11 (London time) - permalink
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BigSis, posted over a year ago

Little Johnny Strikes Again.... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A grade schoolteacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate", not "fascinating".

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."

The teacher sat down and cried.

Posted on 24 June 2008 @ 2:56 (London time) - permalink
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