Real life advice

All of you regulars on here are good at giving sound advice, I love reading your answers. But I have worked out fairly quickly it is a lot easier to dish out advise to strangers than those closest to you. OK here's the question.... How do I tell one of my best friends that she needs to get out of her relationship without ruining our own relationship?

Posted on 28 March 2006 @ 20:20 (London time) - permalink
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You have to tread carefully. Rather than be blunt you need to be subtle; the important thing is that she makes this descision for herself and it doesnt look like you are trying to impose 'your' opinion on her. Be comforting and maybe a little suggestive but nothing over the top. Having said that if she asks outright for advice that his a greenlight to be as blunt as you please. Play it by ear and go with your gut.

Posted on 28 March 2006 @ 20:45 (London time) - permalink
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Well why do you want her out of it?Give your friend a good explanation as towards why you want her to break up with him.This is a very tough situation your in and your friend might not quite agree with you and be stubborn but what ever you do don't fight back with her you WILL regret it.

Posted on 28 March 2006 @ 22:21 (London time) - permalink
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why do you believe she needs to get out of the relationship. there no good way of telling someone that you believe some else is wrong for them because you never know how there take the information. i agree the message above you should give her a good explanation why you believe they should break up. you should tell her straight but don't go on at her.

Posted on 28 March 2006 @ 22:54 (London time) - permalink
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To meddle in someone elses relationship is such a temptation but very rarely is the right thing to do, sometimes you just have to watch and let them work out the facts for themselves, and be there for your friend when the proverbial does eventually hit the fan. i would not thank my friends for interferring in my relationships even for all the right reasons.

Posted on 29 March 2006 @ 23:16 (London time) - permalink
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Smeedle normally I agree with you completely, but this one has just been bugging me more and more over the months. She a smart, highly successful, gorgeous woman, great fun, one of those people everybody loves to be around, and yet her boyfriend treats her like dirt. He doesnt like any of her friends, doesn't like her to be around them, looks down on her family and critcizes everything that she does. He has managed to completely ruin her self esteem to the point where she believes everything he tells her about herself...that she is too loud, drinks too much, dresses like a slut...whatever. She spends her time tip-toeing about trying not to upset him, but usually does...then spends the next couple of weeks bending over backward, ignoring her friends and her family to make it up to him.

Posted on 31 March 2006 @ 0:45 (London time) - permalink
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Smeedle is correct. You cannot interfere or you run the risk of losing her for good. This is her situation to fix. All you can do is make yourself available to help her, should all hell break loose. She will see it eventually but right now, she's so blindsided by love, she's in denial. You can drop hints by asking her if anything is wrong. Tell her you have picked up on some startling changes about her.(her drinking, her change of appearance, her lack of interest in family and friends) Hopefully, this could 'eventually' open up a discussion about the way this man is treating her. Here's hoping she will confide to you. It's at this time, you then can ask her if she needs your help. Be patient..this will take time. Then that's still no guaruntee she'll clue in to her problems. At this point, all you can do is to keep encouraging her by pointing out her talents and strengths; Keep empowering her by giving her support that will help her make good decisions and keep her self-esteem intact. By being a loving, good friend and listener to her, you are helping her to see that she has the strength and wisom to help herself. Just let her know, you will always be there for her, if she needs you. Let us know how you make out, Prunella. Good luck!

Posted on 31 March 2006 @ 5:31 (London time) - permalink
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You tell her taht you love her and have noticed something. You make it clear you don't wan to cause problems but are concerned for her. Then let her know what you're thinking. Be tactful and don't make her mate sound like a monster. Leave room so you can back peddle if needed.

Posted on 1 April 2006 @ 18:8 (London time) - permalink
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Hi Pru and thanks for the update, I can fully understand why you want to tell her to ditch her bloke as he does sound like a manipulative controle freak, but still I have to say that standing on the side lines is hard but it is essential as you need to be there to pick up the peices and not to be the one to cause the glass to smash, she will see through him, that I am certain of and hopefully it will be sooner rather than later, all you can do in the meantime is gently let her know that you have concerns about him and that you will always be there for he, do this very gently and dont push it, and only do it if she herself moans about him, if she is saying how fantastic he is then leave it, but you do not have to join in in any praise of him and this in itself will let her know that you have issues with him. I know you may not agree but I have interfered in a relationship and not only did I loose my friend, I had to watch as they married, I was not around to support her so did not see that he was hitting and abusing her, she ended up killing herself and I cannot help but think that had I have stayed out of it, just watching quietly on the sidelines, being there for her to talk to and a shoulder to cry on and offer a safe house to run to, she may not have come to such a tragic end.

Posted on 1 April 2006 @ 18:32 (London time) - permalink
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You are all quite right, I know that the sensible thing to do is just to be there for her and support her in any way I can, and that is exactly what I have been doing, but to be quite honest I am fed up with it. They have a blow up on average every couple of months or so. Usually because she has done something to offend him. Either talking or dancing with the wrong man, or going out and getting drunk (usually with me and my hubby), being too loud or boisterous, or just not paying enough attention to him on the rare occasion that he graces us with his presence ina social setting. I have come to guiltily enjoy these break-ups immensely, which I shouldn't as they cause my good friend emotional stress, but it is the only time we get to see her truly being herself. The first we usually hear about it is when she calls up to see if we are going out. (Usually we are). As soon as she enthusiastically volunteers to go with us we know there must be problems. She will cry on my shoulder, then resign herself to being single and enjoy herself, partying, going a little wild perhaps. Then it happens. He calls her for a 'talk'. It is here that I start itching to tell her to tell him to go f**k himself. They meet, they talk, and then she comes back with this long explanation about how they 'really talked' and have 'sorted things out' and usually how it was her fault all along for having done.....Whatever it is she apparently did. I guess I am just losing my patience with this one, and don't know how long I can keep my own council.

Posted on 1 April 2006 @ 18:55 (London time) - permalink
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Hi Pru, yep I can see how it would irritate me as well, you know what you need to do but keeping a buttoned lip is never easy and one that I find almost imposible. Maybe next time she falls out with him you could remind her of his failings and how good a time she seems to have when he is not around, tell her how happy she looks and how less stressed she appears. Not much else you can do but if you do blow then be prepared for the fall out!! good luck.

Posted on 2 April 2006 @ 9:19 (London time) - permalink
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