 Beckah, posted
over a year ago
Well basically, me and my boyfriend have been together for over a year. A lot of the time we are happy, but ever now and again he will text or ring me up and confess all thats on his mind always talking about the bad.
Recently we split up, but it only lasted a day. All because of him, his jealousy and controlling nature over me. Without even realising it, he manipulated me into doing what he wanted. When i realised i was SOOOO ANGRY, because i'm so strong, and believe it or not it's happened prior to this..which was a further shock. Cut to the chase, i can't help asking myself, is he really going to change, does he really love me...if i'm not happy now...how am i going to feel in a few months, years? Maybe this is just a phase, but it baffles me.
He used to lie over stupid, pathetic things, and also very hurtful things. It feels like he is constantly testing me, to see if answer the way he wants me too. When we first got together he told me he had to move to Ireland to be a firefighter and that he would never see me again...he's also lied about cheating on me (allegedly to get back at me for going on holiday with my friends and NOT cheating on him). He lied about his past because he told me that he was ashamed of who he was... Yet all these things don't add up...i feel like a mug staying with him. I'm only 19 he's 22 and yet i feel like i'm in a tired marriage having to look after a big childish kid who won't learn. I ask myself all the time, 'is this really what i want' but i'm so scared of being alone...and he has a good way of worming out of things, and turning them against someone else.
What really frustrates me is that he is hardly ever open with me, unless its when he rings or texts me (usually at awkward times for me) and demands to speak to me until they are resolved. He went through a stage or texting me and ringing me at about 4 in the morning, because he doesn't have a very stable sleep pattern. Yet, he is the one who judges me for not being open with him, because at least i attempt to solve my own problems before i involve somebody else, and in the end he always finds out.
When i was smaller i was abused by my babysitter, and i've told him (i wish i hadn't)... because he uses this to pitty me at times, and explain why i act certain ways, using it like an excuse. Like 'tut awww if i could change your life i would', in a condecending way...
I have no idea what i'm supposed to think and feel. I don't even know if i love him anymore, i'd like too, but i think i'm losing my feelings for him because of everything that he done...i just can't work out if i'm angry with him, or if this is me getting desperate...
Please help, i'm so confused...
Posted on 21 March 2007 @ 20:46 (London time) - permalink
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sexylinz, posted
over a year ago