Did I do the right thing?

scottish girl, posted over a year ago

Hi there, I would really like some advice as I feel I am going 2 steps forward and then 10 steps back at times. Is it me, him or am I just totally confused?

I was with my partner for 9 months, the rose tinted glasses time for the first 6, then I moved in with him after 3 months and felt like a routine was kicking in. Sometimes I was bored. I hated sometimes being with him, I ended up resenting him because I felt smothered, he ended up asking me why he hadnt seen me in 4 days even though we lived together, and he called me selfish because after the 6 month honeymoon period I wanted to do my own things.His life was very very content, same thing, literally routined whereas I couldnt be more opposite, out there and completely unpredictable. In other words total opposites but we liked the same romantic things and the sex was great. After adoring him with affection, I then went a little distant and I needed to get myself back to reality to find myself, find what I like as I felt something was missing, I felt empty, drained and started to dread coming home, because he needed a lot of reassurance and my time which was demanding.He even told me that he needed reassurance every now and again to make him feel settled in the relationship. (This is quite a strain if you have work commitments, pressure and a life to get on with) I left him and its been a month. I am more confident and not so stressed, but miss him terribly and still love him. I was forever leaving him, not leaving him, he was pushing me that way, telling me that he never felt secure with me, it was an up and down relationship, but the love and passion was extremely strong. Did I do the right thing?

Posted on 25 April 2006 @ 14:13 (London time) - permalink
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Babybear, posted over a year ago

If you love someone enough to move in with them, or marry them, you are in it for the long haul. Sounds like you guys love each other, but you didn't go the extra mile to make the transition into the next phase of your relationship. Did you explain how you were feeling about your different lifestyles? Being in a relationship means that your relationship is the most important thing, and must be worked on. Compromise! Bring him into your exciting life.Being opposites, you should level each other out. You adored him, and then went distant. this is a kind of emotional abuse honey. Not nice. I frankly feel bad for him. Someone who needs reassurance isn't being fulfilled in the relationship and that is your job. Love and passion is there? How often does that happen in life? You had a man that loves you so much that he needed reassurance. He sounds like a keeper to me. You should go explain to him how you were feeling about the second stage of the relationship, and then you should problem solve together. My advice to get some councelling. PS. If you love him, his well being should come before your work, life, or anything else! Love is the most precious thing in the world, and when you have it, you should treat it like gold!

Posted on 28 April 2006 @ 1:29 (London time) - permalink
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jimmy2, posted over a year ago

I have to, to a large extent agree with the previous poster because my last relationship recently broke down for similar reasons. I was the guy who needed reassuring and she was the one feeling smothered. She at least talked to me about this and I smothered her less as a result.

What she didn't seem to understand though is that commitment is a two way thing and if you don't work with each other and help each other to overcome problems and difficulties, then it is the first sign that one of you is not completely happy and/or not willing to go that extra mile to make things work.

Only you can decide how best to deal with this but if you really do love him, then give him another chance and start by getting together and talking to him. With my relationship, our mistake was to hide these doubts and insecurities from each other and the crunch point came when my girlfriemd wrote to me last week saying that she was calling things off, which broke my heart. Don't let history repeat itself, it doesn't have to be an end, it could be a new start. Good luck.

Posted on 3 May 2006 @ 13:32 (London time) - permalink
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scottish girl, posted over a year ago

Many thanks for both your messages. I truly understand where you are both coming from. Since you last posts on here, we have been in contact me mainly with him. He came around to see me on Monday night for a chat as someone saw me around his house on the saturday night and told my ex, who was concerned about me, which was really sweet. So he came round and we chatted in a pub for a few hours. He had made plans to go out with the boys and as he couldnt get through to me on the phone 3 times, he came round instead. He said he is ok, going to the gym now, playing golf at weekends, out with the boys and getting himself back to normal again. He also let me know that he isnt quite strong enough yet. I asked him what he wanted and he said someone who loves him, soulmate, happiness and I said to him he will get that one day. His face dropped. I then went on to explain that I still dont think he is strong enough at the moment, but I am and I have moved on now and would like to start dating as I dont know how long he will be when he is ready. He even admitted he doesnt know when he will be ready again to be strong enough to hold the relationship. Since then I have suffered from depression and confusion and its throwing me all over the place. I do want him but am finding his negative attitude and constant talk of the past very draining. He keeps on bringing up the past still, and he is finding it difficult to think positively about now and the future, which in return is making me doubt the present and the future. I know its hard as I left him but all through the relationship he never felt settled and neither did I. He was forever saying "one day you will leave me, and you could do so much better than me!"

I feel he has lost his confidence and he admits I did knock it back when I left. I still love him deeply and did tell him this when I saw him on Monday, and he still loves me too. I dont want him to change, but just to understand and realise what went wrong. All I wanted was a balance and I do need to find myself as well, I feel I need to be happy in myself as well as with him.

I am terribly sorry to hear about your girlfriend, did you ever speak about your issues, how long were you both together, that is such a shame.

Thanks for all your kind support.

Posted on 4 May 2006 @ 17:40 (London time) - permalink
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scottish girl, posted over a year ago

sorry forgot to mention, that he was always saying he doesnt need anything else in his life apart from me, I bring him happiness. Dont you feel this is a little unrealistic? I mean surely you shouldnt literally live out of each other's pockets, it isnt normal at all. Hence the reason why I felt restricted all the time. He did mention he needs lots of attention and I dont need any at all. I do but not in a smothering way, we are all different I guess....I am upset I wasnt always there for him and do feel really guilty, he always use to sulk and get moody, this is not nice for someone who can only but try. I dont feel like I should take all the blame, he was moody, sulked if he didnt get his own way and when I went out with friends would ask if it was better than going out with him? I feel he needed a mother figure, and I needed a stronger man....where is the happy medium??? really confused?

Posted on 4 May 2006 @ 17:46 (London time) - permalink
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