A
female
age
41-50,
*indy15
writes:I have been married almost a year. I am 26 and my husband is 28. We dated for almost 3 and a half years before we got married. We dated the first time while in college. He was still involved with his ex girlfriend (behind my back), so I left him and dated someone else for two years. During that time, he contacted me several times, but it was innocent.The second time we dated we had several issues with this ex. First, I found pictures of her in his nightstand. Then, I caught him trying to instant message her. He said her name in his sleep. I found out he had emailed her mother trying to arrange a visit while he was out of town. I found him googling her. I found out he had been emailing her while we were engaged(he said it was innocent). He promised me to stay off the instant messenger and to block her emails. A few weeks ago, a friend of mine discovered he was on the instant messenger and that his ex was on at the same time. Of course, that is no proof of contact, but of course he broke his promise to me. This ex is not married but she has a serious boyfriend.They were each others first everything and there just seems to be a bond there that I don't share with him. I wasn't his first love or his first sexual experience. I know he loves me and I know we have a better relationship than he had with her. I also know he chose me over her because she would have taken him back. But, I don't know if I can live with this girl in the background for the rest of my life. Any advice or know of anyone who has been here and made it work? Thanks in advance.Cindy
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2009): I think it's clear that your husband HAS chosen you, but perhaps he's afraid to completely let go of the ties to his ex. I think a lot of that just boils down to nostalgia for that period in his life - maybe he gets a little charge out of remembering himself and his younger, free-er days which talking to this girl conjures up. I think it's totally reasonable for you to draw a clear line for him in terms of what you expect from him. He hasn't proved himself completely trustworthy, so I would say - in my opinion, you should calmly and confidently tell him what you expect, because you love yourself and you deserve to feel loved, and let him know (not threateningly) that you expect this level of commitment in order to continue your marriage. I think your confidence and ability to say, "No thanks, I won't tolerate this!" will wake him up. PS- if this is such an innocent relationship, he wouldn't carry on behind your back - I'm friends with exes and I don't hide it because there's nothing to hide. I hope this helps a little - good luck :)
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