A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My wife and I are in our mid 40's and have been married a long time. Lately she has been changing quite a bit: working out a lot, getting botox, wearing revealing clothes out with ner girlfriends, communicating with guys she used to know from high school, and finally, seems to be always us going places with others, be it vacations or nights out - and seemingly never alone. For example: if I had a work trip to a cool location, I would invite her along. Actually, I just did. If she has the same, she invites a girlfriend. To the point of my question. We were in a bar the other night and she says to me, "if you weren't here, I wouldn't be alone for more than a couple minutes.". I said "what?". Then she explained that she just fills a very approachable demographic that men seem to like. I must have looked upset at this, because then she said she was just kidding, she would never be so cocky.Why on earth would a woman say something like that to her husband? I am starting to think that she is taking me for granted. Do you think I should just ignore all this, and hope that she stays loyal, and returns to the wife she used to be? Should I start playing the same game, to make her realize that I can stray if I am not getting g what I want at home. Thoughts? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (27 March 2012):
 Thanks for your follow up. So your not willing to play games, and you don't think she'd appreciate any romancing from you, these are the subtle ways to get her attention. Your also not wanting a divorce. There is nothing left to do but to talk to her and find out where your marriage is going and what she needs from you to satisfy the yearning for excitement that currently occupies her."I really have no interest in pursuing other options, or even creating the appearance that I might."To tell the truth, nobody really knows what is going on her mind, we is all just guessing. It could also be resentment somewhere that has built up over the years, it could be a need for more or better sex. It could be a need to feel young and carefree again, we don't know your wife, you do, but it's clear that she's unhappy right now. Your idea of ignoring everything and pretending it will go away is the worse idea of all. At the moment your marriage seems to be at crisis point, therefore you need to do something. Your wife is clearly showing dissatisfaction with either you or marriage and ignoring it will be ignoring her and pretending you don't see her unhappiness.Choose one of the solutions that the aunts have offered, and do something. If you continue as normal you risk losing your wife forever. Standing still at this point is not really an option.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2012): "This is a red flag. your wife has become very dissatisfied with you or the marriage or herself or all three. And she doesn't seem to be interested in you anymore." -- Another anonymous female has it right. As a wife, I came to this exact point myself.
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (27 March 2012):
 Send her flowers. Small batch. If her attraction towards u isnt amplified id say theres a problem with attention n communication. Talk to her about the comment n how it makes u feel. Be gentle when stating ur emotion.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2012): Don't, don't, don't try to play her at her own game - it will only end in misery.Your wife seems to be trying to fulfill some need, perhaps for your attention? Perhaps she's feeling insecure about ageing (is she also in the 41-50 age range?).How is your love life (and I mean LOVE not just sex)? Are you romantic/initimate together? Are you attentive? Do you pay her compliments? I'm asking you all the questions, but I believe this should be a two-way street - she should make you feel good about yourself too.Can you talk to one another on this intimate level? Tell her your concerns and ask her what she needs? She may not know the answer to this question herself.I hope you recover your relationship and if you can't do so yourselves, would you both consider counselling?Best of luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2012): This is the person who wrote the initial question.Thank you for taking the time to answer. In response I guess I would say that I don't think she wants more attention from me. For example, she just celebrated her birthday. Usually I would plan something for that. Sometimes it involves other people (like a couple years ago when I threw her a surprise party with around 50 guests), sometimes just family, sometimes just us. This year she made clear ahead of time that she wanted to go out to a show with a couple of other couples, then on her actual birthday night to go out again with another group. I got the gist that the last thing she wanted was a night with just the two of us.That's not the best example, I suppose, because it's natural to want to celebrate one's birthday with lots of people. However, she gives me the same reaction when planning for any evening out, "who else should we invite?" she will say, or she will just invite w/o asking...So I definitely get the feeling that me trying to romance her, or go out one-on-one, pay her compliments, buy her flowers, is not what she is looking for. For some weird reason, I get the feeling it will push her further away - almost like I am groveling....For the moment I am just going out along with her and everyone else, often watching her act like a bar flirt, trying not to let others see how much I am squirming inside....I really don't know what to do. I am sure I have options out there (I am fit, reasonably attractive, have a good career), but for whatever reason, I really have no interest in pursuing other options, or even creating the appearance that I might. I just want to return to a happy loving marriage without this ever-present threat that my wife "has options" or could stray...
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A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (27 March 2012):
When she said that to you in the bar, you shouldn't have looked upset. You should have responded in a confident way, such as replying "I know sweetie, that's why I married you" and give her a cheeky smile. I think there is probably a lot you can do in the marriage to help her regain her confidence and feel sexy again. That's what she is missing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2012): This is a red flag. your wife has become very dissatisfied with you or the marriage or herself or all three. And she doesn't seem to be interested in you anymore.
and you ask: "Do you think I should just ignore all this, and hope that she stays loyal, and returns to the wife she used to be? Should I start playing the same game, to make her realize that I can stray if I am not getting what I want at home. Thoughts?"
These are bad ideas. You present only 2 options: ignore and hope nothing bad happens, or be indirect and manipulative by playing games. The first is passive in the face of glaring problems. The second is sure to drive you two further apart instead of bringing you closer together since when has playing games ever brought people closer together and increased intimacy? usually playing games is only good for spiting the other person, which is hardly going to bring them closer to you.
Why not just discuss your concerns with her openly and directly and honestly. But without criticism or judgment (because that will for sure drive her away from you rather than being honest).
Your wife is very unhappy with her life at present, the life that includes you. Maybe this has nothing to do with you directly and is some insecurity within herself, or maybe it has everything to do with you. I think you should find out what it is, rather than either sticking your head in the sand and hoping for the best, or being manipulative back at her.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (27 March 2012):
Opps.. almost forgot... If she ever notices how much you've changed and asks you why.. Then you must tell her..
"I had no choice sweetheart, I was losing you and I couldn't bear that, so I changed into the type of man that I thought you might want to stay with for the rest of your life"
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (27 March 2012):
I must be the only one, who thinks that at certain times games might help. Look, the lady is feeling old and boring and she's looking at you and feeling that you must be old and boring too. Sitting down and talking about stuff is what old people do, it's not what wife's who wanna be wild think of as sexy. She doesn't want to sit and talk and be calm and serious, she wants something to shake her out of this selfish self-regard she's been going through.
I can hear you are angry. Please don't be, people do strange things when they feel frightened and threatened. I'm sure you've heard of men who suddenly divorce their wives and run off with the 22year old secretary. Well, your wife is doing a more gentle form of this. She is scared because it looks like her life is ending far too quick, and she is hoping to slow it down but acting like a single teenager again.
The grass is always greener right. Right now she's is predicting that you will act as you always do. So giving her more of the same is just what she's expecting. That's why you get thoughtless comments like ""if you weren't here, I wouldn't be alone for more than a couple minutes"... that's an invitation for you to do something, anything, just be different... It's a provocation, deliberate and cruel, to get you to react.
I think game playing is just what you guys need. Cause she's already playing games, but right now, you are sitting on the side and don't know how to join in.
Well how do you play the game.. Well you got two choices.
1. The romantic lover from the movies.. in this game you whisk her off to Paris or Rome, you keep her in bed as often as you can, you shower her with flowers until she sneezes, you become the romantic man of her dreams.
2. The bad boy from the movies... in this game you are in a competition for her attention. You not a married man any more your a "faithful singleton"... ie.. you can flirt with whoever, but you only sleep with your wife. That means you got to impress her not make her angry, so your actions result in her wanting her more. Follow her when she goes out, but take your mates along. Then you can play at being the single guy who wants to take her for a date. When she wants to take her girlfriends on trips, bloody embarrass and shock her... tell her in front of her friend, as loudly as you can... "but baby I bought along them whips and handcuffs just like you always wanted".. Get a motorbike or sports car, take her to some place where you can legally get to speed... if she wants an adrenaline rush they you can give her one safely. I really need you to destroy your image of the loving boring husband who is completely predictable in his actions.
Take her to tango in the rain, so she gets a cold and feels awful....Take her out then leave her alone, and spend a little too long at the bar with other people... hell, as the lady says without you she'll never lack company, being nervous and unsure will stop her taking you for granted. She wants to be young again, what that's what young people feel.. nervous, unsure, anxious and uncomfortable, because they make stupid decisions due to lack of knowledge and then have to suffer the consequences.
I hope you get me meaning.. pulled from the pages of Shakespeare, it's called how to tame a shrew. I don't want you to be always doing the same thing. I don't want you to be angry. But I do want you to bring back the excitement and magic to your married life. She wants different, then give her different, make her realise the best thing she's got in the world is sitting right at home, and it's the man she married, called husband.
What did you guys do when you was dating.. do some of that. A little bit of jealousy, will also help this woman realise where her priorities lie. Right now she's being selfish, thinking of herself and worrying over nonsense. I think if she's a little less sure of you, she'll neither have time or money to act like such a shrew.
After you and her have gotten this nonsense out of her system, then don't go back to the way things were, but remember that steak every day is for kings, but even kings can get sick of the same thing. Day to Day in every way, together you got to keep this marriage thing interesting and exciting.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (27 March 2012):
 she is bored and wants to re capture her youth she wants the thrill of a new man and sounnds like shes getting attention to . step up the excitement in your marriage start dating her again pull a few surprises tell her shes lovely
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2012): Look up the book "Womens Infidelity." You don't need to buy the book and read the whole thing. You can find enough links online discussing and summarizing the book to get the general idea. There is a specific situation that the author is writing about. I think you should try to figure out if this is what is happening to your wife or not.
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot  +, writes (27 March 2012):
 I would think that at your age you would know better than to play games as a retaliation tactic. Only she knows why she has amp-ted up her sex appeal. You will have to ask her why she has changed. Maybe she feels more sexual, or confident, maybe she wants to feel young again, maybe she is looking for attention and an ego boost...or maybe for extra side action. Only she knows. You have a mouth, go talk to her.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (27 March 2012):
 Sounds like some sort of "mid life crisis" thing. It definitely sounds like her self-esteem has taken a turn for the worse lately and she's looking to bolster her ego. If that's what it is, telling her you can look elsewhere is going to achieve the opposite of what you want. Yes she's being a jerk, but being a jerk back won't solve it. Try making an extra effort to make her feel sexy. If that doesn't help, be direct and tell her that the way she's behaving is making you feel awful.
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A
female
reader, Eyespy17 +, writes (27 March 2012):
Do not play a game back.
How about ask her out on a hot date and you get dressed up too. See if you can get on board with what she's trying to feel - "younger". Sounds like an early mid life crisis.
After the hot date - try talking to her and see what shes afraid of. Let her know you feel left out and want her love and attention.
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A
female
reader, Wisdom  +, writes (27 March 2012):
 Could be that she is starting to worry about her level of attractivness? Some womene struggle with getting older. This would explain the botox etc.. Maybe she no longer feels desirable? I would suggest you sit down and talk with ehr about it.
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A
female
reader, LovelyLemon +, writes (27 March 2012):
 Games never get us anywhere, but she is definitely mistreating you. It seems like she is going through something like a midlife crisis. She's trying to regain her beauty and youth by getting attention from external means. This is not necessarily a reflection of you or your relationship, but an internal struggle within herself.I would sit down with her and tell her what you've observed in her behavior. Do not be cruel or judgmental, just ask her why she has changed and what she is trying to do. Let her know, calmly, that it is taking a huge toll on your marriage, that you love her and want to have your happy relationship back. Hopefully she is just going through a strange phase. Maybe try taking her out, sweeping her off her feet a little to let her know that you are still into her and want to give her all the attention she deserves. If you communicate and work through this in an understanding manner, then I'm sure this will pass and you will have your wife back.Much love and Best wishes
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2012): It's called mid-life crisis, your wife is starting to feel that she is getting old and unattractive and wants to prove you or herself that she can still be hot and attract other men.
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