A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I met a man online a couple of years ao and I soon found out that he has a family( is married but has not slept with his wife in a loooooomg time because she has gained weight and they also bicker way too much)) so I told him I just wanted to be friends at first and then we will see. I have never slept with him and told him I dont give that part of myself away that easily. He has been very generous with me and is always available if I need him. He tells me that he loves me and would do anything for me. We went away together recently and he paid for everything and said that he likes taking care of me. I am very flattered of course but do not love him back. He has asked me to marry him when we returned from our trip and I told him NO because I don't want to ruin the institution of marriage. He seemed very hurt and dissapointed and wants me to think about it.My question is.......Why is this man asking me to marry him when he already has a wife and kids? Am I just an excuse for him to leave her or am I just a chase for him? If and If I do accept will he do the same to me when we have problems? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (26 July 2012):
 If you were really an excuse to leave, he would have already. In fact, men don't need another woman to go to as an excuse. If they are truly miserable, they know very well how to leave. He probably told you this just to keep you tethered to him emotionally. He's gotten used to having two women and he wouldn't want to lose that.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (25 July 2012):
 Because he thinks the words "will you marry me?" will make you drop your morals and your panties.. That simple.
If the wife is so fat and horrible he OUGHT to divorce her before throwing himself into another relationship, where he REALLY isn't able AT ALL to commit to anything.
It always make me shake my head when I hear women being duped with the whole "my wife never wants to have sex" " or " we fight ALL the time".. Woe is me crap. He has a choice. To stay and fix it or to leave and seek new pastures. He can't do BOTH at the same time, that just doesn't work.
Be realistic. Use your common sense. He SHOULD be off limits because he is married and UNAVAILABLE.
He wants to marry you? Well, he would have to divorce her first, now wouldn't he? And then you might be stuck with a guy pining after the family he left and the money he's out every months paying for that other family.
Think, honey.
Try and let your morals guide you in this. If you feel like you can't have sex with him, why can you even think having a relationship with him is OK? It's NOT a friendship if he is proposing.
...............................
A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (25 July 2012):
Stick to your guns and don’t agree to marry him, not that he’s available to marry anyway. If he loved you, he’d grow a backbone and tell his wife the truth. Even then, you’d know he’s got it in him to cheat and your relationship would be plagued by insecurity. Would you want to be with the kind of man who is happy to lie to his wife and who seems to have no conscience about cheating on her? The reality is that this man isn’t available, he’s all over the place emotionally and he probably finds that you represent all the things he wishes he had with his wife. But I’m afraid he’s just thinking of himself, he’s not in the right place for a new relationship, even if he does decide to walk away from his current one. You stand only to get hurt from this married man so wish him well and go your separate ways.
I wish you all the very best.
...............................
A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (25 July 2012):
 "Why is this man asking me to marry him when he already has a wife and kids? "
If by some miracle you two actually were to get married, it would not be recognized legally. He is already married, hence his marriage to you would fall under bigamy. A legal offense. So your marriage wouldn't be recognized legally and he could face legal ramifications.
"Am I just an excuse for him to leave her or am I just a chase for him?"
Men don't need excuses to leave their wives and anyone that tells you otherwise is lying to themselves or to the audience. You're more of a chase to him since you haven't put out yet. You told him that you wouldn't give him sex, so he thinks by dangling marriage in your face, he could potentially get some.
"f I do accept will he do the same to me when we have problems?"
Now what motivates you to accept the proposal? Remember this statement that you wrote "I am very flattered of course but do not love him back"??? So if you don't love him, what is it that makes you want to marry him? His money? His generosity? If so, good riddance to the both of you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2012): He asked you to marry him because you're emotionally (and probably a bit physically) cheating on his wife with him using the justification that they don't have sex and they bicker a lot. You know, the usual shitty excuses.
"Why is this man asking me to marry him when he already has a wife and kids?"
Could it be this perhaps? "I told him I just wanted to be friends at first and then we will see." or maybe something to do with this? "and told him I dont give that part of myself away that easily."
"Am I just an excuse for him to leave her or am I just a chase for him?" Why do you care? "do not love him back"
"because I don't want to ruin the institution of marriage." Really? After leading him on like that and cheating with him? Bit late isn't it?
"If and If I do accept will he do the same to me when we have problems?"
Well "if" marrying a guy whose own wife can't trust him, who can spend years cheating with a girl he met online and you don't love is something you seriously think will work then you're quite deluded but frankly OP and I hate to say this but it would be poetic justice on you for all these games you've played with another woman's man, you've led him on for ages taking his "generosity", going away on weekends and being treated by him. You deserve each other I think. You basically used him and while he got what he deserved.
Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2012): I am confused. You say that you do not love him back but then you say that you may accept his marriage proposal? Why would you marry someone you don't love?
As for him. Well.....there could be a variety of things....yes you may just be an excuse for him to leave his wife. I do think that you are a 'chase' for him I wouldn't be surprised if he proposed to you just to get into your pants.
As for the excuses that his wife has gained weight, won't put out, and they fight all the time, those are the most common excuses that a man uses to condone his cheating behaviour (even when they aren't true).
You say that you don't want to ruin the institution of marriage. Isn't that exactly what you are doing by seeing him? This man has shown you that how he deals with issues in a marriage, he goes out and cheat. I can pretty much guarantee you that he would do the same to you.
...............................
A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (25 July 2012):
 If you were an excuse for him to leave her he would have done so already. You've been talking online for two years. How in the world could you even think about accepting a proposal from a MARRIED MAN? He's already married!
You should be a lot less than flattered, in fact, you should be disgusted and degraded. It is not flattering for a married man to propose to another woman. The reason he is asking is because he thinks you're dumb enough to buy it. That way, he can have his cake and eat it too. Who would be dumb enough to accept a proposal from a MARRIED MAN? Are you following me here, this guy is MARRIED!
Along with those comments, I would like to add that men who have affairs ALWAYS tell their girlfriends that they fight with their wives all the time, that their wives are generally terrible people, and have let their looks go so are no longer attractive. Are you buying these lies? Seriously.
I think you have fallen for someone you don't really know yet. You cannot possibly know the important things about this man such as his habits and behaviors, how he treats his friends and neighbors, etc. We know how he treats his wife, so that should be a red flag to you. Unfortunately it isn't. The answer to your question is...OF COURSE HE WILL DO THE SAME THING TO YOU.
...............................
|
