A
female
age
36-40,
*nezka98
writes:Why do men keep long term affairs? Those that last a year or more? In the end they end up going back to their wives. So I don’t get it. Do they develop feelings for the OP? Do they not love the wives?
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2018): Okay, so I was going through this thread a bit late.Lol!I'm in love with a married man and as his long-term "mistress", I can throw some light on your question. It's not only physical intimacy that keeps the relationship alive. We have genuine concern and feelings for each other that you can find in any "normal" or "monogamous" relationship. He has no amorous-physical feelings for the wife but a sense of financial responsibility. He repeatedly had admitted that he indeed loves me, is emotionally very dependent on me, always considers my perspective of something and can never think about leaving me. We have been together for the last 4 years. Yes, the wife knows and there's a lot of drama to say the least. He stays over at my place most of the time. I didn't marry anyone as I love only him.To sum it up, (in my opinion) men/women keep their paramour/ mistress long-term not only for the sake of physical gratification, but for emotional dependency and an accompanying sense of responsibility to the person concerned.
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female
reader, Onemoretime +, writes (21 February 2018):
In our case we were together long before he got married. We broke up for a stupid reason and we were both too stubborn to ask the other back. Years ago we got back together. We still love each other. So much that we WANT each other’s marriages to survive and thrive. We just love each other also. It isn’t about sex only. Sometimes we date, or just grab a bite and talk. Or just support each other through tough times. Sometimes it’s just straight up down and dirty sex. It lasts because it was always there. If we could never have sex again it wouldn’t matter a bit. There is no jealousy because I was there first. What’s there to be jealous about? I feel like we were man and wife in another life because there is a bond there that doesn’t waver no matter how many people or miles are in between us. His wife has nothing to worry about from me. I am discreet as is he.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2018): TO the other anon who replied to my comment lol.. I will say it wasn't always easy not having feelings for him. Actually, I knew the guy for a year before we had sex and I remember feeling like I was in love with him BEFORE I ever knew he was attracted to me or we ever got involved. I had a pretty terrible bf, and I would cry at night and wish it was the married guy I was sleeping with. But I fought with it in my mind because I felt like It was morally wrong to like/love him, but I couldn't help my feelings. One day I just accepted the way I felt, but I kept it to myself. I remember making the decision in my mind that If I ever did have the opportunity to have sex with him, I would and I wouldn't feel bad.Only when he told me he liked me and I finally left my ex, did I admit to being attracted to him also, but I didn't mention any feelings. After we had sex, I didn't see or speak to the guy for a few months. This is why I was able to control myself with him. By us not talking, I went through the stages of withdraw, sadness, acceptance and finally being myself again. So by the time I finally spoke to him again and rekindled everything, I felt like I had the power over my own feelings. But then I met someone and immediately, I fell for him and married guy was a thing of the past.So when I said no drama and no "entangled" feelings. I didnt exactly mean I didnt love him, but I didnt get over involved with him. I kept it together to where were friends now.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2018): To the female anon who had an affair for 2 years that was sex only, I'm not sure how one can do such a thing without becoming emotionally involved/attached?
I had some pretty strong feelings for my married lover when we first got together. The chemistry and the sex was not my reason for falling for him. Although the sex was stratospheric and still is. I cared about him a lot. Which made the sex not only better but possible.
Maybe you are smarter than me and I'm just stupid. I don't know.
I call myself the ANTI-mistress as my married lover was the first and only person I ever had sex with.
So, why do some affairs last longer? Because there is love involved. Just sex fizzles quickly.
And dare I say it, there are actually some married men who do grow to love their mistress or at least have feelings and it does become like a second relationship both are equally commited to despite the circumstances.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2018): It's not just men. Scroll through this site and you'll find enough examples of women who cheat on their husbands long term.
Why does anyone do it, not just men?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2018): Because both women allow him to get away with it.
The wife because she pretends everything is okay and is afraid to confront him and know the truth. She doesn't want her whole life turned upside down. To be a big lie. She doesn't want to find out the man she committed her life to, the man she loves, has turned out to be a monster.
The mistress because by this point she is in love with him and doesn't want to or cannot give up on her long term investment. Maybe she is hoping he will someday leave (he never will) or she has resigned herself to bits of a relationship, thinking having him part time is better than not at all. The mistress sees him as a good man, her saviour. Cause that's the bullshit fantasy he's been feeding her all along. She doesn't want to see him as the cheating scum bag that he is. It would destroy her happy place and make her feel worthless, the very things which are the exact opposite of why she entered this affair in the first place.
So, the longer affairs last because the womem involved are enablers.
He takes full advantage. It's all in his favour. So, why wouldn't he?
In the end, no man who loves his wife would ever cause her pain by cheating on her and no man who loves his "GF" would purposely place her on a shelf, take her down when he needs to play, and then put her back up even he's done with her. Having no regard for her feelings. As he has no regard for his wife's.
He is playing two women. Destroying two women. Because he didn't know what love is.
He only loves himself.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (29 January 2018):
 Why do men or women cheat?
Why do men or women stay in affairs?
Why do people rob others?
Why do people kill others?
All have fairly simple answers: because they can. There are obviously more complex answers, but "because they can" sums all of them up perfectly.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2018): sometimes they just keep the same mistress because they already established that "relationship" per say with them. Like the mistress already knows what she is getting and they have an understanding and she's fun and easy to get to if he wants sex. Rather than sleeping with a bunch of different girls who could possible even have a STD. Not to say the guy or girl doesn't participate in that as well, but I guess it depends on the arrangement they have. So as long and neither one of them cross the line of having feelings of being in love, its convenient sex. And if no one finds out, then I guess no one gets hurt?
Thats always been my guess. I had a sexual relationship with a married man for almost 2 years. He had been married for 14 years and been with his wife since high school I believe and he had told me on occasion that he truly loved his wife and I believed him. I stopped because I met a guy and basically fell for him as soon as I saw him. A few days after meeting my guy, I told the married guy I knew he was the one and I had no interest in continuing our arrangement.
He was "Bummed" I guess, but he was overall happy for me. No drama, no entangled feelings. We're still friends to this day, we check in from time to time but that's it. I would imagine he is either searching for another long term girl or could already have one.
Anyway, Hope my opinion helps answer your question.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2018): It's a matter of convenience and pleasure for both parties involved. Availability, easy-access, and side-sex on-demand.
It takes two to have an affair. If the other woman knows she's a mistress; she is no less guilty of adultery than the man involved. Men aren't any more prone to affairs than women are.
Affairs are from "human" weakness. It's not a "guy-thing."
Why do women knowingly have affairs with married-men?
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female
reader, Anezka98 +, writes (29 January 2018):
Anezka98 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI’m neither honey pie. I was just curious. Not married nor anyone’s sidekick.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2018): Why do men AND women do this, you ask?
Well, because they CAN.
Usually they do not care about anyone but themselves.
Very often it is not true that they'd be happier with their lovers, but just can't leave their spouses. They want both, for whatever reason.
When they end up with their lover (sometimes after being dumped by their spouses), this relationship, now in the open, usually starts resembling the very marriage/previous relationship they wanted to escape.
Why, you might ask. Because usually the problem lies within them (cheaters), their choice of partners and their ideas of what a relationship should be, or what an ideal life should be.
Most of the time they want all the benefits, without any responsibilities. Most of the time they complain how trapped they feel and yearn for freedom - their definition being doing whatever they want, whenever they feel like it.
So, why do wives put up with it? The same reason, why the lovers do - they either see some sort of benefit or they simply do not believe they deserve or can achieve any better.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2018): I suppose it could be any one or a combination of those reasons. They could also be in sexless marriages and prefer one safe partner rather than many questionable partners.
There is likely more than one reason they go back to their wives. They may still have feelings for their wives, may have kids at home, may not have the means to pay child support if they separate, maybe they're grappling with guilt. It's a complicated matter and I don't think there is any easy answer.
I've been there.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (29 January 2018):
 You ask why MEN do this. Well, WOMEN do it too. Married women and the women who CHOOSES to be the "other woman". So it's not really a "man thing".
I don't think you can generalize either. I'm sure SOME men wants some excitement in their lives after marriage becomes routine, or the wife is less interested in sex as she is more busy with kids, house, work etc. Or whatever reason. Sometimes it's just lust.
Having an affair doesn't automatically mean they don't care or love their spouse anymore. They just want their cake and being able to eat it too. It's also probably because they "LOVE" themselves FAR more than the wife OR the mistress. What THEY want supersede anyone else feelings.
I have to ask OP, are you a mistress or a wife?
If you are a wife and your husband is cheating, maybe you have to be the BRAVE one and end the marriage.
If you are the mistress... WHY do you settle for being something "less" than a partner? To be someone's dirty secret?
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