A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I'm a bit confused here, I'm 20 years old, and have only had 2 SERIOUS relationships, the previous lasting 4 years, and one currently. In between, and before the relationships I've had several flings / one night stands, etc.I've noticed I've no issues what so ever, sexually, when in a one night stand / fling situation.But when in a committed relationship, it's increasingly difficult to cum. I've tried lots of things, acting out fantasies, pretty much every position I could find, things to increase the excitement (Such as sex in public places) but I *CANT* cum during sex, while in a committed relationship, unless i'm masturbating.I've NO issue whatsoever cumming when it's a one night stand kind of thing, so i'm sure it's some kind of psychological issue, i'm just wondering how i might find a way to work around it?
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male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (7 October 2011):
It is common for an underlying emotion, thought, fear, anxiety, or pattern to play out in our sex lives in committed relationship. In fact, it is so common that people joke about how when you get married, your sex life dies, and this is often due to an unresolved psycological issue. The good news is that it doesn't have to stay that way, you can uncover whatever it is, and resolve it to get your sex life and relationship back on track.
The key lies in communication. Long term relationships offer us the opportunity to communicate about difficult issues, but most people avoid talking about their difficult issues in their relationships. Often this is due to the fear that the relationship won't survive that level of pressure, and sometimes this is true, but often it is not, and you can't have genuine intimacy without being able to face your deepest fears in your relationship.
Another way, sometimes a better way, is to communicate with a counsellor. Counsellors are trained to be able to create the kind of relationship and environment where you can communicate without fear, in a neutral setting (which your relationship is not), and discover your issue. They are also skilled in helping you to find a resolution that works for you. You may be able to find a service which can offer you free counselling to help with this.
I would suggest you start by having a conversation with your current girlfriend. She might have strong feelings about it too, she might be concerned that she is the problem and it would be good for her to know from you that you think the problem is more likely to be an underlying psychological one, which sounds likely. I would also suggest that in your conversation with her you suggest it is something that you can both think about together to try ways to overcome it. It helps if you are both on the same team, and that it is something you can do together.
Finally, it might help to change your focus during sex. If you are so concerned about having an orgasm, that concern might be adding to your difficulty. If you change your focus from wanting to orgasm, to enjoying the time during sex just being with your girlfriend, and sharing the pleasure that you can give and recieve, you might find that makes a difference. Try different kinds of sex, sex where the focus is on her pleasure, sex where the focus is on your pleasure, and see where it leads you.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (6 October 2011):
 Part of the chemistry that affects peoples' sexual performance (both sexes) is their brain chemistry. One of our most powerful - and natural - stimulants is adrenalin.... the chemical that makes you get angry or want to run away from danger.Sounds to me as if you have adequate adrenalin when you are doing "no-no" sex... but, with the sedation of the sex not being taboo you are having a little trouble with not enough adrenalin to get Mr Happy to stand at attention....The best advice is probably for you to try to relax and NOT worry too much about yourself, and YOUR performance.... and to pay 'way more attention to your partner and HER pleasure. The result, I predict, is that you will relax and have a much better time of doing nik-nik with your girl....Good luck....
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2011): I have exactly the same problem, though just reversed. I can perform like a pornstar in one night stands, but can never come. Though in a relationship I struggle to last. Try closing your eyes and not focusing on the feelings involved so much but just the sexual aspects. Your emotions are probably just distracting you.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (6 October 2011):
 It does sound like it is a psychological issue. It is probably because when you are having a one night stand you don't have deep feelings for the girl and you can just let yourself go without caring about it. But being in a serious relationship there are deep feelings there, and you are probably wanting to please your girlfriend which is causing added pressure and anxiety to yourself. It is obviously deep down in your mind and you probably don't even realise it. I guess you just need to try and relax and let yourself go. If you cannot reach orgasm through penetration well it is not the end of the world. The more you worry and think about it, the less likely it is to happen. So just enjoy plenty of oral sex and fore play and try not to think of it as a big deal. The less you think about it the more likely it is to happen.
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