A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Recently, starting about 6 months ago, my relationship with my boyfriend has become fairly rocky. We've been together for almost 5 years now. I've started to notice his lack of ambition in many life and day to day events in general. He has missed a lot of work due to being 'sick' all the time. If it's not headache, it's stomach ache due to constipation. I understand he feels unwell, but these should not be long standing reasons to keep missing work. He has also put less effort into communicating with me or even contacting me. It seems to me he has changed. I suggested breaking up a few weeks ago, stop returning his calls and messages. He kept apologizing and blaming it on Winter and his illness.. he says he truly wants to be with me. So, I gave us another chance. I'm on vacation this week and I was at Disneyland. He called me and I said I was getting in line for a ride on the 'It's a Small World" I asked if he wanted to Facetime with me during the ride so that we may share this ride virtually. He said yes, and sounded excited. I said I would call him back in about 20 minutes because I'm in line. He said sure. After 20 minutes I messaged him saying it's almost my turn and I will facetime him within 5 minutes. When I Facetime him, I noticed that he was looking at a computer screen next to his phone, he appears to be looking and ocassionally typing. Note that the time for him is 1:00 AM.. in the middle of the night. As the It's a Small World ride begin I was Facetiming him and showing him the scenes and myself. As I look at my phone, at him, I see that his face is not facing me, he is not looking at his phone, he is not looking at me and the ride. I asked what he is doing and he said he is doing something for his mother... After about two minutes of him not looking at me, but only ocassionally glancing quickly at me then looking back at his computer, I became upset and said, it's OK go do whatever you are doung I see it's more important to you... and I stopped facetime. After a few minutes he did call me back but the ride was over.I felt very hurt for a long time that day. I couldn't understand whaf it is that he is doing for his 'mother' that couldn't wait a few minutes. His mother is asleep by 10:00 PM every night, I know it wasn't urgent. Why can't he just give me his undivided attention for a few minutes? He could even say he was busy and not share the ride with me. But why agree to it and SHOW ME he is not interested?? His explanation was "What's the big deal? Why are you acting up? I did look at the phone and I did hear the sound"Am I wrong to want him to focus 100% on his phone, on me and the ride for just a few minutes????
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female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (3 April 2018):
 Don't threaten a break up if you really don't mean it. Honestly, you love the guy so don't do that. What if he had said,"yeah I think we should break up, as well", your question here would've been very different.
Personally I don't think that social media and cell phone usage should define a relationship but obviously in long distance situations; social media and cell phones are the main tool and the glue that makes everything stick together. Also, it's clear that something is going on. Ideally; a conversation should be had: in person. We can speculate all we like but the reality of the situation is that we do not have all the details and/or facts to accurately give you an answer as to what exactly is wrong.
Approach him and just ask. Express your concerns and views. State what is important to you and such. Basically, talk and hopefully by talking; you will get to know what exactly is lacking and/or wrong in your relationship.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (1 April 2018):
 Honestly? I would not be very excited to Facetime while my partner was having a fun ride in Disneyland either. BUT I'm not really a roller-coaster fan as it is. I would rather have Facetime when NEITHER of us are busy so we can have an ACTUAL conversation.
I know when my husband was deployed he both LOVED and disliked me sending him pictures of all the things the kids and I did while he was gone, because he hated that he was missing out on all of it. Seeing the pictures didn't make him feel part of it but what he was missing. Which I at the time didn't really "get". All I wanted was for him to see "everything" so he could feel part of it.
People don't always think the same way, even when they have been together a long time.
HE shouldn't have said YES to the Facetime if he really didn't want to do it. He could have said let's just Facetime in the morning or when we both have time to really engage. I absolutely agree with you there.
Sounds like he is putting in half assed effort and really not engaging with you.
As far as his "medical" issues... Has he seen a doctor if this happens THAT often that he is missing work? I mean I GET that being constipated sucks, but there are SO many things he can eat/drink (that aren't medicines) that can alleviate it. Like adding more water and fibers. NOT hard to do. However, if it stems from an ACTUAL condition and not just poor eating habits then he ought to go see his doctor.
You say it started about 6 months ago, so what else happened around that time?
Are you two living together? (It does't sound that way) Yet after 5 years you two are not living together ?
I think when you tell him, I want to break up, but then decides OK I'll give him a chance - then maybe you need to decide if breaking up really isn't for the best.
Giving "ultimatums" or having "demands for the other person to change" RARELY works out. Why? Because HE brings nothing to the negotiations, he doesn't think he HAS to.
This is who he is. Someone who isn't ambitious or engaged in life in general. Is that someone you see yourself with long term?
Even his answer was minimal effort. Mostly putting the blame on YOU. He can't be bothered to put in effort. He is taking you for granted.
Also, could it be he is dealing with some minor depression?
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