A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi all ..How soon is too soon to expect a guy to commit when it's a long distance relationship? You know us women are always being told not to "scare" me away by putting too much pressure on them. I've been dating a man long distance since November. We had two dates in Nov, then I went to his city in December for a weekend, then one date in January, 10 dates in Feb when he was in my city for work, and then he flew back to my city on his own time last weekend for a black tie event I invited him to. Ever since November, he has texted me almost every day. We talk or FaceTime once a week. He definitely initiates. Last weekend, he met all my friends and family and said he was really glad he did. However we have not had the exclusive conversation. In February, I kind of brought up "what are we doing" and he said he want expecting it and it was a little too soon. He said "let's figure it out next time"Well we haven't. He didn't bring it up and neither did I. So today I texted him that I was wishing he was here. And he called me immediately and we talked for a half hour. He tells me friends are in town for wedding he's going to. I ask him if they're staying with him. He says one girl is. I ask how he knows these people. He says through his ex and he hasn't seen many of them in 8 years. He does not offer more info about this girl staying in his house and I didn't flat out ask "are you dating her"?Now it's killing me. So is it appropriate to ask? Do I ask him over FaceTime ? I clearly like him and I don't think I can handle sharing him. What should I do?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (13 April 2017):
 I think you need to do more than back off I think you need to end things for good and stop allowing him to think it is okay to treat you like this. He really is messing with your head, and giving you false hope.
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (13 April 2017):
 He has poor boundaries. The fact that he thinks that having her stay at his home was OK, illustrates this.
That is what you learned from this conversation. I'm happy that you are making your own decision based on solid information. Your level of trust has been adjusted to include new information.
Poor boundaries can be cured, but like any change, it will only happen if he wants it to.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 April 2017):
 I agree with Cindy, I wouldn't just back off, I'd cut things totally off, block, delete and move on.
No wonder he was so vague about this woman. In a way, I'm actually amazed he even mentioned HER to you. She could have stayed there and you would never have known. And that he sent a picture of himself and her to YOU... why would someone do that?
It's BIG thing to omit that the EX you recently tried to make it work with, is STAYING with you for an event with friends.
It would be bye bye. That is just WAY to shady for me.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 April 2017):
 Just out of interest , ( and maybe it is a dumb question, I know ) but what does " I am backing off " mean ?
That you are not going to see him anymore and he is history, , or that now you know where you are at , and you do not expect being exclusive in the next future ?
In your shoes, I'd choose the first option. Because, you CANNOT trust him. And you cannot trust him ,not because he was seeing someone else while dating you- this was consented and acceptable , by the terms of your relationship. But because he said : ask me anything and I'll tell you.
You ask : who's this girl, he says : I knew her through my ex ,... and then it turns out that she IS the ex !, ( in fact, an EX ex, since how things played out... ). That's a big fat lie, in my book.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy gut is always right. Just confronted him over video chat. The girl that stayed with him is his ex from 8 years ago and they recently gave it another try.
He claims they ended it recently and it was platonic this weekend. He said she's not attracted to him anymore.
I didn't ask about what we are because this was my answer for now. I'm backing off.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (13 April 2017):
 I find that the anxiety of not knowing where you stand with a potential partner much more uncomfortable than the bummer it might be to learn he's not as interested. Be brave and find out what's up!
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (12 April 2017):
 " I'm assuming he wouldn't do that if he was with one of them."
Hah! You can't just go around assuming this, because I know of a zillion guys who would do just that. Have one girl in their arms while texting another. Talk is cheap.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate : he texted me and sent me pictures from the wedding - including one with me and the girl friends. Said he wished I was there, etc. I'm assuming he wouldn't do that if he was with one of them. But you are all right - the bigger problem is I have no idea where I stand. Or maybe I'm afraid to know. But I need to just clarify.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (11 April 2017):
It looks to me like you want a relationship with him but he is looking for something more casual. If I where you I would ask him straight out and see what he has to say. Tell him you want exclusivity and that you realize this even more because their is a female staying with him and it makes you uneasy. At this stage you need to be honest with him about your feelings or it is never going to work.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (8 April 2017):
After so many months and so many dates, if he still doesn't know where he stands with you, it means he'd not really that interested. It's not at all "too soon" to have decided, unless you're on the fence because you're juggling your options and aren't really that bothered.
I asked my boyfriend to be exclusive and officially my boyfriend on date 5. After having known him for less than a month. And we're also not living in the same city, although it'd just a bit more than an hour between our cities.
If you want someone in your life, you know it. You dont' drag your feet if given the option to get exclusive rights to the person you're crazy about. So if he's on the fence, it's because he's just not that interested.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 April 2017):
I agree with Fishdish, I'd tell him that you would like to make the relationship exclusive and I would not drag in the other woman who is "allegedly" a house guest for a wedding. She can be JUST an old friend who traveled far for the wedding and don't (or can't ) spend a lot of money on hotel/transport and HE just offered her a spare room or couch. Why would you presume he is dating her?
I mean, after 6 months I think it's VERY OK to say THIS is what I want, DO YOU want the same?
Have you two talked future at all? And like Denizen mention, WHERE do you see this relationship going? Are you going to move closer to him or is it possible that HE might move closer to you?
Let's say he tells you NO he isn't looking to b exclusive - AT LEAST then you know where you stand with him and if you want MORE, then you KNOW for certain that HE is not the guy for you.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (8 April 2017):
Interesting, you trust that he will tell you the truth, You don't trust that he will do the things that are brest for you. That is not enough!
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (8 April 2017):
My feeling is just tell him you want to be exclusive. Don't make it about the other girl, both of you dropped the ball on following through about a conversation about commitment, so you don't want to come off controlling and possessive when you're not "entitled" to possess anything right now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2017): This is a good life-lesson. Don't agree to terms just to make something happen. You never really felt it in your heart to have an "open-relationship." You've just admitted it.
If you don't ask, he has no reason to tell. Then suck-up and put-up. Otherwise; undo it while your heart is still in-tact.
Don't wait to break-it! Even worse, be instrumental in breaking your own heart; because you aren't adult enough to deal with the arrangements you've agreed to.
You must have seen this coming! The problem with loose-ends is, they're bound to get tangled! Don't leave a man with an open-option. He'll gladly take it!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes technically we are both allowed to date others but I guess after our wonderful time last weekend - and the fact we were supposed to "figure it out" during that visit - I feel sick about the fact he may be with this woman now even thought ethnically he's "allowed to"
He has always been honest with me. I do trust him. He has always said "ask me and I will answer you". I haven't asked I guess because I was afraid of the answer.
But now I'm to the point where I can't not ask. I don't get how people carry on multiple relationships at once. I'm very monogamous and loyal. And I've already told him that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2017): Obviously he's not going into too much detail about some female staying with him. It has already upset you, and he hasn't made any overtures towards a committed and exclusive relationship. This leaves his options open, and it may also be an indication that he isn't totally committed via LDR. He's all talk.
I think he's stringing you along; but leaving his options open because, let's face it, men like physical-action in a relationship. He may be very much into you, but not the long-distance separating you. So he wants both. You, and whatever open opportunities that may arise. He felt the lady staying was okay because there's no official relationship between you. Meaning, he's cleverly justifying it on a technicality. More sly than clever, you might say!
I'd say you have every right at this point to have that talk. You have some concerns, and you're obviously being exclusive for his sake. So I would think at this point you should know if your feelings are justified; and you should know how seriously he is taking things. That's the problem with distance, you spend so much time worrying and wondering. It's difficult to be trusting.
A long-distance relationship is only as good as the strength of the trust and emotional-bond linked between you. If the goal and objective is to be together in the immediate future; it's worth the wait. If there is no established time and place that the relationship becomes one-on-one (together in one place) it is hard for most people to remain faithful and exclusive.
Please don't tie yourself to this LDR too long, if he doesn't want to have that talk. It may be too soon for him; but how long are you willing to wait? When is this romance scheduled to come together and close the distance? Some people agree to an LDR in theory, but not in practice. They like being pen pals and having a free place to stay when in town.
It's nice to have a bed and breakfast waiting for you in your travels; with a cute bed-warmer included in the package-deal.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (8 April 2017):
What you are really asking is, when is it safe to ask? The answer to that is when he brings it up. Of course, that is not going to fill your need. So you are going to have to take a risk.
I would ask him a different question first, if I were in your place. I would ask about the woman staying at his house. After all that is really what you want to know. The answer to that question will probably resolve the other. I think it is likely an answer you will like. If younare willing to believe him.
If you don' t trust him, why are you so invested?
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (8 April 2017):
 What do you expect from this relationship? I mean how do you see it progressing? Will you ever be together? If so ho and when.
These are the questions you need to be working with unless you are happy to spend the rest of your life at a distance from each other. I think that would most likely end up as platonic.
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