A
male
age
41-50,
*pus97
writes:An observation from a straight guy:I CALL BULLSHIT on people who claim that lovers are not accountable for how their sexual past is non of their current relationship's business. What if you only ever had one girlfriend, and before she met you she slept around willy nilly. Now she's with you, you fall in love, you're getting married, going to be with her for the rest of your life (and, obviously, you love each other to bits). You know that by accepting this person as your life partner you'll only ever be with one girl (her) for your entire life, but you know that she's been with both girls AND men before you came along. You've never been with another woman. You've relied, and continue to rely, wholly on her for your own personal sexual exploration. Every single experience, from the first time you hold a girl's hand, to the first kiss, to touching a naked woman's body, she's been there with you. She's been an integral part of the very creation of your sex life. Can you say the same about what you are to her? Can you honestly feel as though (in this regard) you are as important to her as she is to you? Some people may say "of course, love is in the eye of the beholder bla bla blah" or something similar. But are they being honest? Are they really looking at the situation for what it actually is? What happens when your sexual curiosity reaches her personal ceiling? Say you're interested in anal sex - not because you're all porno'd up on ass play, but because it's something you've never tried before and would like to see if you like it - but she's not interested because she's already done anal enough times with her previous lovers to know that it's not really her thing. Chivalrous reason obviously dictates that you don't pressure her into it. You suck it up and accept that you're not going to have that in your sex life. But is that fair? Is it fair that you're not going to even be given the opportunity to see if you'd like to have that as part of your sex life just because your partner (who you love dearly), has tried it with strangers you'll never meet a long time ago in a galaxy far far away? She was obviously interested in it at one point in her life, since she experimented with the idea over multiple partners, but when it comes to you, her life partner, future husband and baby-daddy, and most important person in her world, that desire for curiosity/exploration is gone, taken care of years ago by Mr. (or Mrs.) onenightstander. I use the anal sex example to drive my pointe home, but it is obviously more nuanced than that. What does that say about the balance in the relationship? What other nuances are there in the relationship that are off balance? Would you have a right to confront your fiance over this, or does the notion of "it was in the past, before she met you, so get over it" prevail?I think this is a valid thought to be addressed, and I'd appreciate your input.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2012): I understand how one person can feel being with a partner with plenty of experiences. In the beginning I got somewhat annoyed and irritated hearing him tell me details, b/c I do not want to know how he had sex with another woman- I rather him just tell me what he likes and dislikes. He had mentioned threesomes (he has done) and how that is a fantasy- the most fantasied. I sometimes feel pressured to pleasing him because I want to keep him but having a threesome is not a fantasy of mine. I never had one nor care to experience it.I am not all that experienced which he knew from the beginning- now it seems like he constantly compares his past experiences with his current ones. I thought that being in a relationship to people grow and develop together. Seems as though he not satisfied enough and does want to wait- so I feel like I should leave him. I find it relevant with how you act with your partner not wanting to do anal. She does not care/like it so do you feel like you have to force her in order to be happy instead of experimenting in other sexual ways with her?Last time I checked a person shouldn't just solely focus on pleasing someone else-but also themselves. So if both sides not pleased then its fair not to give in. B/c later you'll end up with regrets. Sex being an important factor in a happy healthy relationship I believe if a person does not share an interest in a certain activity the person/partner has two choices accept them as so and explore if desired by both or move on.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2012): The level of quality in a relationship is determined by the benchmark a man sets which the woman must meet. It's NEVER the other way around. If you set a low benchmark for yourself, then you get low quality stuff & vice-versa. The problem is most guys have no benchmark to set for women. They let female beauty & sex manipulate their decisions & cloud their judgements when choosing women. You can't whine & be jealous if your woman is 'experienced'. That's what you want & that's what you get. You can only set a benchmark if you live by principles. Otherwise you'll be seduced & be decieved into falling in love with a woman who is not worthy of your honor. Thus you end up needlessly suffering that BLASTED retrograde jealousy or worse still give up on women altogether.
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reader, Windbreeze62 +, writes (15 December 2012):
 It seems that you are NOT ready to settle down. She don't owe you an apology for living her life before she met you. You are the one having second thoughts or cold feet. I would say maybe you should go do all those things that you feel you would miss if marrying one girl for the rest of your life would possiblly stop. God luck with your final decision to balance out your thoughts.
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reader, chigirl  +, writes (15 December 2012):
 I don't see how "balance" features into this either. You can't balance it out by adding people you haven't had sex with, nor can you take out people you had sex with, just so it will be "even" between the couple. What good would such an even number do anyway? Nothing at all. The only balance that exists when it comes to sex is how much you give to your partner, and how much you take. That is, how selfish you are, or if you are a giver in bed. That's the ONLY place where I can say balance is of importance. Both need to give and take the same, initiate the same (or at least within what is needed for the other part), and concentrate on the pleasure of their partner before their own pleasure. That is where there needs to be balance. Whatever you did in the past doesn't matter, I mean come on. If she was a great lover in the past, who gave all her attention to her partner, did everything to please him, and then with you she just stopped caring and became selfish... well then what good would her past do you? You can say she is balancing it out by not giving anymore, and just taking, but it doesn't matter to you. Because in this relationship she just takes and takes and you give and give... and then it becomes without balance, and you end up being miserable.
The only boyfriend I ever had who had about as many sexual partners I had had, and about the same level of sexual experience, was by far the worst in bed out of all my boyfriends. So what if we were "balanced" in numbers and past experiences, he was crap in bed, without passion, and couldn't care less if he made me feel good or not. He took a lot more than he gave, and that was the only balance that mattered. Other boyfriends have had fewer partners, but the balance between give and take has been much better, hence making the sex better. In my book, that's the only thing that matters.
Walking out of a relationship because the sex is crap is not stupid. It'd be stupid to stay, and expect things to magically improve. It'd be stupid to marry a person who doesn't meet your needs, cares about your pleasure, or who can't please you. I mean, a whole lifetime of crappy sex? Unless you're having sex just for reproductive reasons I highly recommend you put sex on top of your priorities. Sex is about the only thing that separates a relationship from a friendship.
If you really want to try anal though, it's only fair and square that she gets to try penetrating your ass too. Think about it. I haven't been allowed to try penetrating the ass of any of my boyfriends, so I can't say I've tried it, but I'm perfectly fine living without such an experience. It'd be interesting to try, but after all it is the other person's rectum, and it is their call.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2012): Like you, I believe that any sort of imbalance in a relationship is bad. Sexual past, like many other things, is a big indication of a person's character and should be taken into account. You have every right to reject a woman for ANY reason you like and don't let anyone shame you into doing things you don't like.People are not happy when being rejected and you will need to tread carefully in order to winnow out the women you don't want. The "honest" route will always result in people lying to your face.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2012): This is why women have to lie about their experience.
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reader, Yos  +, writes (15 December 2012):
 When you say holding someone 'accountable' for their sexual history I read punishing them.
And I just can't condone that
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2012): "Everyone in a relationship has to find some manner of reconciliation with what they are bringing to the bedroom and what their partner is bringing."
But that has zero relevance to the past though OP. The only time it has a relevance is if it has a direct effect on your sex life now. You know as a fairly experienced man I can tell you the only thing that's relevant about the number of partners you've had is you know what you do and don't like. You know what's shit, you know what's great and you get to skip all the fumbling mess if you like and definitely not do things that are shit. That's a positive thing. The only two things I require sexually as "needs" are giving and receiving oral. Intercourse is just a given, but oral is very important to me and I refuse to live without it, especially giving oral, to have my head between her legs regularly is a need for me.
As I said I understand what you're saying but you literally can't have everything. There are literally zero people in this world that will try every single thing sexually so you're going to miss out on trying something if you only ever are with one person. But my experience tells me they're all novelties and not important. Anal is crappy for example, most I've done it with found it very uncomfortable, and not at all pleasant.
My girlfriend toyed with the idea of a threesome a few years back. I told her outright, no. I will not share her with anyone, not even another woman. It would be pointless anyway because not only would I be focusing on her the entire time, the idea of another woman getting in any way sexual with me is not appealing at all. It's fine in fantasy but in reality the only woman allowed do that is her.
Now I've had a few threesomes in the past, great fun when single, but they generally destroy relationships, much the same way as putting pressure on someone to let you try anal would.
The problem with retro-jealousy is it's innately selfish, it's hard to see past how unfair you perceive it to be. But from being on both sides of it I see that you need to understand and reconcile your partners past with yourself. They cannot be held accountable for anything because it's nothing to do with her, you weren't there, you don't know the circumstances maybe that was technically rape, maybe she was being abused by that guy, it's never as simple as she's wanted it with someone else. You're the one with the problem you fix it. You cannot crash your car and just tell your girlfriend to pay for it, it's not her problem.
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reader, YouWish +, writes (15 December 2012):
 There is something missing in this discussion here, and I'm hoping that you, Opus97, can give us a complete and thorough definition of the words "held accountable" the way you use them here.
What does it mean for a sexually experienced woman to be "held accountable" for her past before she met you? What do you mean?
I can tell you what I think -- I wonder if you chose an experienced woman because her experience implied that you would automatically be able to partake in the "fruits" of her sexual past. Meaning, whatever she tried in her past, you're automatically entitled to the same opportunity, and you're angry because she's denied you what she's not denied others.
Do I have it right?
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2012): "Would you have a right to confront your fiance over this,"I'm not sure exactly what it is you think you should confront her about but haven't. it sounds like she's been pretty open about her past, so what is there to confront her about?So you're saying that her past does have a negative effect on your present relationship because she's already tried things with other people and found she didn't like them. But if you were her first, and she tried them with you, she still wouldn't like those same things (if you don't like it, you don't like it). you would still have to go without that particular thing if you want to be in a relationship with her. How is that different? Also, many people simply don't want to "explore" certain things even if they have never done it before with anyone else. So even if you were her first she might still be saying no to you on a lot of things you want to try. there are always imbalances of some sort or other in every relationship. One partner makes more money than the other, or is more successful in their career, or already has kids whereas the other doesn't, etc. And yes these imbalances can totally define and break the relationship if it's significant enough to the people involved. Since you obviously have a big problem that your gf has more experience with relationships than you, then yes this is probably going to be a deal breaker in your relationship because she cannot change her past, and the thing that is possible to change - your attitude towards it - is not something you're budging on. But don't think for a second that it is her past that broke this relationship. It is her past AND your attitude to it that caused this relationship to end.If you want to stay with her, then you are just going to have to learn to not feel threatened by this 'imbalance.' It's interesting that you feel this imbalance is a negative. Why not see it as a positive?
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 December 2012):
 OP I still disagree with you. It's not about balance.
everyone is 100% responsible in a relationship. It's not 50/50 it's 100/100.
There are some things that just cannot be compromised on for some people. Maybe it's sexual past. Maybe it's drug use. Maybe it's something else that is in the past or even in the present that can't be compromised on. NOT EVERY RELATIONSHIP can be negotiated into working.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2012): its incredible for me to know that some people even share how many lovers they had in their past..wow...is that really important..past is gone...good or bad.
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reader, janniepeg  +, writes (14 December 2012):
 Is a person's past really not any of the current relationship's business?
For you, it is. For the sake of a healthy marriage, it is advised that you let the past go. After you get married and exchanged your vows, your question came a little too late. A person's past does not necessarily dictate what a person will like in the future. There is a reason for wild college sex, to get it out of the system, because once you get married your focus will be on children and building a life together, basically boring day to day chores and stuff. Maybe you are expecting too much of this marriage. You look at each other's wants and needs, dislikes and preferences, then build it from there. You don't dig deep in her past and tell her she owes you an experience.
Now, she could have been gifting you an experience. What is the big deal of putting a husband's dick up in her arse? I do not know the details of your marriage. When a wife refuses an act, it could be more than disinterest. I wonder if there is resentment towards each other based on the dialogue you had with her. You chose to marry her and not a frigid virgin, as it is evident that sexual adventure is an important journey for you. It would be crass to spell out what you will get and not get after a marriage. It will be like a business transaction, not romantic at all. So marriage can be a gamble, not a guarantee. Also, when you experiment with casual strangers, there is no commitment, no strings, you can say goodbye or you could just not pick up the phone. With a husband, there is expectation of a continuation of a habit. So she is afraid that once she said yes, then it would be hard for her to turn you down and pretend she likes it. So it's better for her just to say no for once and for all. If I were her I would do it with you, just so that you won't obsess about and move on with your life. I would also stick a carrot in your butt so you know how it feels. Maybe you will know why anal sex is torture within a marriage.
You are putting too much importance on sexual experimentation. If anal sex, weird fetishes, BDSM are what they are hyped up to be, then they won't be taboo anymore and they will lose their appeal to people. If you think that the biggest rewards of a marriage is that you get to have good sex, then you will be disappointed. Anything exciting becomes boring when it's done long enough.
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reader, opus97 +, writes (14 December 2012):
opus97 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow! Great responses everyone - thanks so much for the input!I think the example of anal sex used in the question was over emphasized in the responses. I'm more interested in the issue of balance more than the extremes. The "suck it up, buttercup" and "you got what you asked for" style responses are kind of missing the point I think. Everyone in a relationship has to find some manner of reconciliation with what they are bringing to the bedroom and what their partner is bringing. The idea of walking away from the relationship entirely because that process is a difficult one is silly. This example is unique in that its a virgin vs intimidating experience, but pushing this concept (which every couple faces) of balance in ones past and future was the point of me writing
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reader, Candid Cally +, writes (14 December 2012):
About anal sex...if she doesn't like it, it wouldn't matter if you or someone else did it with her first because it will NEVER be a part of your regular sexual routine because she doesn't like it.
Next, just because someone tries something doesn't mean they are interested in it. They may or may not even be curious about it. I'm sure she has had less than chilvarious partners who may have gone so far as to coerce or even force her to do things she didn't want to.
Finally, even if she has never tried something, her history including number of sexual partners does not guarantee that she would try a specific something with you.
Your obvious anger towards your partner, the woman you love and want to marry, have children and live out your life with is astonishing. I am absolutely amazed that you have chosen to marry someone who makes you feel so shortchanged.
The truth is, you had little to no sexual experience before you met this woman. She has obviously been forthcoming with you regarding her previous experiences. To despise her curiousity and her being sexual adventurous before she met you is simply childish. You are really angry with yourself for what you perceive as missing out on certain sexual experiences. Stop misplacing your anger and either man up and accept this or break up with her. Either option is better than stewing forever in angry limbo.
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reader, Xearo  +, writes (14 December 2012):
I agree with CindyCares 100% but I will also state that a person has a right to know about the past of their partner. The past will affect the present and future but it is not something you should use against the person. After all, we can not undo the past. The only question that should remain, is will this person be faithful to me now and in the future? And this is something the individual needs to the decide, no one can make the decision for him or her.
But OP you have to admit that you have used extreme examples to explain this observation but it doesn't really accomplish much. There is no double standard to be analysed because it is only obvious that such questions would be raised given such circumstances.
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 December 2012):
I totally disagree with you OP. You asked for input so here it is.
My past is my past. I can’t change it. IF a person (male or female) is OPEN and HONEST from the beginning with their partner, it’s incumbent on the person with the RJ to WALK AWAY as soon as they are aware that there is a past that bothers them. AND a person should always be honest about their past. There are folks who don’t have RJ that will be fine with an experienced past. It’s just like with Porn. Users of porn need to be with people that don’t mind them using and folks that don’t use porn need to be with those that mind. The problem is Nature does not always cooperate and we are often inexplicably attracted to those folks that don’t meet our “needs” “wants” or “desires”.
So if you only have ONE girlfriend, make sure to find one with the level of experience you are willing to accept. The problem is many folks may find someone with that level at a young age and be happy and excited “I found a virgin girl at 24” and come to find out the reason she’s a virgin is that she’s got issues that render her either too afraid to be sexual or unable to be sexual for various reasons. I think that the human drive to be sexual is natures way of insuring that the human race survives and that it’s NORMAL and NATURAL to be sexual with people you care about.
One thing as an offside comment: you said “she's been with both girls AND men before you came along. “ either that’s boys and girls or women and men…. To refer to men and girls as the same thing is not equal. Do you not view men and women as equals?
“Can you honestly feel as though (in this regard) you are as important to her as she is to you”
Well since how people feel about other people is always intensely personal no matter what even if she was an untouched virgin you may not be as important to her in this regard as she is to you. I hate to break it to you but no matter what, even with the exact same experiences under your belts from the start your interactions and feelings will be different because you are not the same person. So even if she was a virgin you may not be as important to her sexual growth as she is to yours.
Now on to the anal sex thing… You said “Say you're interested in anal sex - not because you're all porno'd up on ass play, but because it's something you've never tried before and would like to see if you like it - but she's not interested because she's already done anal enough times with her previous lovers to know that it's not really her thing. “
What if you want to try anal sex and she’s never done it and still does not want to try? Then what? You REALLY want anal sex… your partner says NO. “but, honey” you say “how do you know you won’t like it you’ve never tried it” and she says “I don’t care I do not want to do it no how no way NOT EVER”. Then what? Do you not pressure her as you said you would not with a more experienced woman who knows she doesn’t like it from experience because she’s not experienced it? Do you suck it up and accept that your not going to have that experience in your life time? Is it fair of her to say NO without trying? Guess what… yep it is. Guess what else honey, LIFE IS NOT FAIR. At your age you should know this.
What about blow jobs? What if your non-experienced woman makes you wait for marriage for sex and then you find out you get it on Saturday nights in the dark with her wearing a long sleeve white high neck nightie laying on her back thinking of England while you get in and get out as fast as possible? So here you are with your virgin bride… you will not have anal sex, you will not have blow jobs, you will NOT have fun… then what? What if you find a woman that meets your emotional needs of having no experience and you fall in love and are willing to wait and you get married and find out that she’s frigid? Then what?
And what if it wasn’t a one night stand? What if she had a life partner… and he died? Or he left her? Or he was doing drugs that she didn’t know about or he started after she committed to him and she left him for all the right reasons… and she still knows she doesn’t want anal sex or blow jobs (and she tried them) then what?
So it’s her past. She has no experience. She still says NO. where is your “balance of power” then?
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reader, Serpico +, writes (14 December 2012):
Look, for starters, our society is largely based on the fact that the future will represent the past. If you get into many accidents, your auto insurance rates go up because its evidence it will happen in the future. When you go for a loan, your credit history tells the lender much about if you will pay back the loan in the future. Long story short, for the most part people are who they are, and wholesale changes typically come about slowly, if ever.With all that in mind, someone who has been promiscuous in the past will is much more likely to do so in the future than say someone who is not. Further, specifically to this, there is significant body of scientific evidence that shows the more sexual partners a woman has, the more difficult it is for her to form strong emotional bonds with a male. So yes, there is some data directly relevant to this topic showing, yes, a womans past sexual relationships can effect the present relationship.All that being said, I agree with how Cindy Cares ends her post. If you are effected by RJ, and you know you are, then you either need to 1) get over it, or 2) be with a person who has a past you can accept. I am one of these people, and #1 wasnt an option for me, so I decided on #2, and since have been all the happier.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2012): How would you feel if she told you that because you were inexperienced when you met, she assumed you were happy with very little sex and she is now annoyed you expect her to experiment with you? Ridiculous right? Because you can't judge people based on their past behaviour sexual or otherwise. There could be hundreds of reasons why you stayed a virgin for so long, and hundreds of reasons why she slept around. People grow and change all the time for all sorts of reasons, and you have to either accept the change or move on. You are now a completely different person in terms of your sexual preferences than the guy she first met, and obviously she has changed too. This is not a sexual history issue, it's a compatibility issue, no different to say, a couple where one person has outgrown the party lifestyle and one who has not. You decide whether you can put up with the other's choices or leave.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2012): "I CALL BULLSHIT on people who claim that lovers are not accountable for how their sexual past is non of their current relationship's business."
Accountable? You mean they deserve to be punished for thinking their past is not someone's business?
"Can you say the same about what you are to her? Can you honestly feel as though (in this regard) you are as important to her as she is to you?"
Yeah of course. My relationship now is the other way around, my partner count is 80+, I was her first and only. She's my best, most loving, most deeply profound lover in all ways sexually so good in fact that after 80+ different women and some amazing experiences I want her for the rest of my life as my only partner, nothing to do with the fact I've already done almost everything, I want all that again and have it with her. The fact that I'm her first in everything, the idea that she wants to spend her life with me only and I'm the only guy she'll explore her sexuality with is not only an honour but makes everything we do sexually very, very special. I actually think she's more important to me than the other way around.
"What happens when your sexual curiosity reaches her personal ceiling? Say you're interested in anal sex - not because you're all porno'd up on ass play, but because it's something you've never tried before and would like to see if you like it - but she's not interested because she's already done anal enough times with her previous lovers to know that it's not really her thing."
Sex is a mutual act both have to be okay doing anything. Besides I wouldn't give a damn if I'd never tried anal before and was never going to. It's just another hole to stick your dick in, no big deal. What's to try? I know what it feels like to stick my dick in a hole, what difference does it make which hole I put it in?
"Chivalrous reason obviously dictates that you don't pressure her into it. You suck it up and accept that you're not going to have that in your sex life. But is that fair?"
Yeah it's fair, why did you marry a woman who you can't stick your dick up her arse? You can't make that suddenly a big deal, my girlfriend wouldn't let me shit on her face either no matter how much I'd like to (if I liked that kind of thing) it would be very unfair for me to expect she just would and get pissed that she wouldn't even if she did try it with someone else. If that was going to be a problem for me then I should have said that from the start.
If I couldn't handle her past relationships then it would be very unfair of me to get with her and then give her shit about it.
"Is it fair that you're not going to even be given the opportunity to see if you'd like to have that as part of your sex life just because your partner (who you love dearly), has tried it with strangers you'll never meet a long time ago in a galaxy far far away?"
How is that a negative? She doesn't like anal, so you're not going to have it as part of your sex life, so it would in fact be worse if you tried it, found out you loved it and then realized you're never going to have it again.
Anal is pretty shitty anyway.
"She was obviously interested in it at one point in her life"
She was interested in trying it big difference, she didn't know whether she was interested in it or not and as it turned out she's not.
Look I see what you're saying, but I think you think she should be "held accountable" for you feeling you're missing out. That's not fair OP.
I hate mushrooms, would it be fair for my girlfriend to make me a mushroom dish and then get pissed off because it wasn't with her I found I didn't like mushrooms or because I won't even smell a dish with them in it?
Nope, I don't like mushrooms and if you think something like anal sex is more important than mushrooms, you've got your priorities all wrong.
It's a valid though to be addressed but not with your entitled attitude. She owes you nothing, she chooses what she gives and only because you provide her with what she wants too. Just because she's tried mushrooms before and knows she doesn't like them, that doesn't mean you can get pissed because it wasn't your mushroom dish she figured it out with.
I've gone through retro-jealousy with an ex, profound painful retro-jealousy but I never felt I was entitled to anything. If I did and she couldn't give it I'd walk away, if it wasn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things I'd let it go. I certainly would never feel she had to held accountable for how her past made me feel, that's a bit dickish if you ask me.
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 December 2012):
 My input is that the promiscuous girl did not hold you at gun point to make you date her then marry her.
If you are the kind of person for whom is paramount that there's balance in the number and type of sexual experiences , one threesome for you, one threesome for me...- btw, I am not implying that this line of thinking is necessarily wrong , to each his own,- anyway, if you REALLY care about finding a person that want to grow sexually at the same pace with you, then you will go and seek for that person, and avoid any further involvement with a womane whose past is so unaligned with your beliefs.
If you although decide to go ahead and stay with the " vivacious " girl anyway, IMO you have voluntarily given up the right to kvetch about it. It's not HER fault is you are a type that lets his emotions , or his penis, override his brain, and chose against his values.
I have complete respect for, say, a Muslim guy who will only marrry a virgin. But I have zero respect for the same guy who marries an experienced girl, and then spends the rest of their lives making both miserable, just because he was too weak to walk away.
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reader, chigirl +, writes (14 December 2012):
I'm just responding to this because I come with a very different thought-pattern. I'm not going to argue whether a past is relevant to a current relationship or not, but rather say that I never found the past to be any more of a problem than any other aspect of a person. The past is part of who they are, and either you accept a person for who they are or you don't... It's that simple to me. A person can not be picked to pieces, separated from other parts, and then loved for parts of who they are and not loved for the others. A person is a whole. So that settles that in my book.
As for who slept with how many, this is also irrelevant to me. A relationship is not a battle, a competition, or a place to keep score. A relationship is a team, a couple, someone who supports one another and stand together, bring good things into the each others lives, builds the other person up. Who slept with how many thus becomes irrelevant, because in a relationship, where no one is keeping score, where you are not each others opponent, it will not matter who "outdid" the other, as .. well... relationships do not hold competition.
" Say you're interested in anal sex - not because you're all porno'd up on ass play, but because it's something you've never tried before and would like to see if you like it - but she's not interested because she's already done anal enough times with her previous lovers to know that it's not really her thing. "
Well, she might have never done anal sex and still not be interested in doing it, so it really has nothing to do with whether she's done it before or not, you see my point? And, if you are someone who is interested in experimenting, and she isn't, then it is a matter of sexual incompatibility, not past history. Because, a person who loves to experiment in bed will know that each now person brings something new, and anal sex with one person is not the same with another. Thus, a person who loves to experiment will try everything with every new person, to figure out how they work together. A person who is NOT interested in experimenting might be talked into doing things a few times, but will soon tire of it and put his/her foot down, and refuse to experiment. This is not because they found they didn't like it, but because they generally dislike experimenting.
Like me, I've had good anal sex with one guy, terrible anal sex with another, and while I can't say anal sex is a favourite of mine, I'd love to try it with my new partner. Because I like to experiment, and I haven't done it with him before, even though I've done it with others. So, whatever I did in the past has no bearing on it, because I still have no idea how anal sex would be with him. And because I don't know, I'm curious. A lack of curiosity does not come from already knowing.... it comes from generally not being curious about it.
I'd say, if you are in this type of relationship (or maybe you just wrote all this as an example?) then this is not a healthy relationship, and you should not marry this person. You are not sexuall compatible, and if things are sour now they will become very bitter very fast. While sex isn't everything in a relationship, it is far too important to give up. In order for you to feel happy and loved you need to be with someone who can meet your needs also in bed, as well as every other area. That is why is it difficult to find mr. or ms. right. They need to be a good match in more than one area. And you should never settle, or else you will regret it.
But, again, past experiences has little to do with it. Either you are sexually compatible or you aren't. Even if you were her first boyfriend, and she never had done anything before, she would be the type of person who MIGHT let you try anal sex on her ONCE, but never again. Then you'd be in the same boat, wouldn't you? What if you liked it, but she refuses to do it again... She's the type of person who would start the relationship with giving blowjobs, but then a few years later quit giving them and saying she stopped liking it, or maybe never liked it but did it just to make you stick in a relationship with her. Then once married, she quits? More likely than not, this is the case, as her behaviour talks about her true sexual nature, and hints to how she will be in the future.
She probably never was, and never will be, an experimental person with a good appetite for sex, she's probably always been the way she is and then slowly cuts down on "treats" as you get more and more serious, because she doesn't feel a need to do sexual things in order to get you on the hook. Unfortunately I've seen this several times, women doing sexual acts just to get a guy in the hook, then they stop. It's the same with men starting off a relationship being romantic, then they slowly stop doing it as there is no need to impress her once she's on the hook.
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reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (14 December 2012):
 I don't think anyone can anticipate what their sexual future will be or how it will appear to a future spouse/long term partner.
Sexual experiences are way too complex and most are lived in the moment, mistakes are made, everyone is entitled to indulge in whatever they feel comfortable doing as long as it's legal and consensual.
I think anyone has a right to ask their partner what happened in the past and I thing that partner has the right to refuse to answer if they so wish.
Sexual purity is the preference of some so you would assume they would choose a chaste partner before making any decision about the future. If they do so happen to fall for someone who has a colourful background, then one would assume that they accept that as part of the person, or end the relationship if it doesn't suit.
If one has a partner unwilling to try new things because they have already experienced them with 'others' then I guess all you can do is ask and if they say no (which is their legal right) then maybe they arnt the right one to be with.
Sadly we don't live in a perfect world where everyone gets what they want, how they want, we all have to jiggle about and compromise...good old give and take (pardon the pun)
To be so intense, so consumed, so het up and worried about a partners sexual past, to be so irritated upset and annoyed at non compliance suggests you should be saying goodbye and going off to find someone more suitable.
Some people will lie about their sexual past, some won't, some will want to experiment and some won't...that's the whole point of relationships, you look at the big picture, see if it suits you and them and then you get on with it.
Just because we want something really really badly is no guarantee we will ever get it...that's just life.
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reader, YouWish +, writes (14 December 2012):
I'll keep discussing hypothetically here. You chose a sexually experienced partner to fall in love with. You made a compatibility call long before the issue of anal sex came up. If you had wanted to be with a girl who wasn't experienced, then you should have made that an important point. You can't go back and then cite jealousy after having accepted a woman with a long sexual history. You made the choice. You weren't deceived. She didn't lie, tell you she had only one partner only to find out that she lied and really had 98 of them. That would be an issue, as honesty and trust are crucial.
As for a lover being "accountable", no, they are not accountable. They have a right to their past just as you have a right to yours. If you had wanted an inexperienced girlfriend, you should have looked for one. The accountability is yours if you did a bait and switch, meaning you told her it didn't matter, only to find out that it does when the issue of anal sex comes up. A woman with a past isn't obligated to give you the same sexual favors that she has given to others in the past.
Not only that, but you mentioned wanting anal sex because you "porno'd up"? Why aren't you "accountable" for that?? What if she had "porno'd up" on BDSM and wanted to put nipple clamps and hot oil on you while going to work on you with a flogger?? You've missed the point of love when your partner becomes nothing more than a penis-holder for your sexual fantasies.
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