A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I need some advice on whether we should allow our families to take control of our upcoming wedding or just tell them that everything they want is far from what we want.We have been together for five years and we have a three year old. We have been together since we met at college, and we have been engaged since our child's birth.We don't have a lot of spare money but we put away a bit every month since then and we have managed to book a small wedding, and a nice buffet for the after do. My Aunt has paid for our honeymoon as part of a wedding present and the rest from money I have been saving with her from a waitressing job I took on to purely pay for the honeymoon.Because of the fact we are having a nice honeymoon, a lot of his family are moaning because we have only invited close family members, and my family are complaining because we are having the wedding on a week day as my two sisters will have to take their children out of school for the afternoon. We have four months until the wedding and its like the list of complaints from people is just growing. I'm not having a bridesmaid other then my daughter, but my family think I should ask my niece too as she has never been a bridesmaid. If I did that I would also need to ask my partners little sister because she has also asked if she can be a bridesmaid. There is no hen or stag parties, and we are told how boring we are and how you are meant to enjoy a wedding, but we are just concerned with saving money! I have spent the past three months crying pretty much since we booked it. I'm tempted to cancel the whole thing and just get married without anyone there, it's like our wedding should be totally decided by them and what they want.Should we just give in, or should we just get married and not invite anyone, or should we just let them have their way...I don't want our day to ruined but I don't want people to look down on us.
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female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (28 July 2014):
 Stand your ground. It your special day, YOURS! So do with it what will make you happy and if people are upset that they didn't get their way and don't want to attend, then so be it. It's a day that belongs to the two of you getting married. It's a day that they should be allowed to celebrate your union, not dominate it. Tell them all that from now on you will be doing what you want for your wedding day and it will not be negotiated with anyone. Good luck OP.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (28 July 2014):
 I'd take the approach suggested by one of the anon readers : nod and smile, smile and nod. And keep doing exactly just what you want.
Try not to take things so at heart . It's sort of normal, you know ? It's nearly like an inescapable law of nature with weddings - if it's not the bride who goes bridezilla- then it will be relatives and friends who'll get hysteric.
If this can be of any comfort to you, I even got my cleaning lady scolding me about my wedding plans.
She overheard me talking on the phone, telling somebody how I had opted for a cocktail reception rather than a sit down dinner ( it was not even a matter of money,actually , I was having fancy foods and wines served- just my personal preference ). She showed up on the door, mop in hand and said " Whaaat ! Are you crazy ? Then it's not even a wedding if you won't let people strech their legs under a table ! "
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2014): I was about to say what the others are saying and that you should do it your way. I know all too well what it feels like for a family to overtake one's wedding, it happened to me, but I was younger than you and naive. I hadn't cared at all where I got married, just wanted a quiet wedding, but my Dad, in particular, took over and yes, it did become more like a family party with me and my new husband playing starring roles for their entertainment. However, I didn't mind all that much because I was in love and although if I'd been older I would have put my foot down a bit more about some of the things my Dad insisted on, at the end of the day I wasn't interested in over controlling everything, I was just so happy to be getting married.However, something about your post glares out at me as being quite heartless.It's when I read that your partner's sister wanted to be a bridesmaid and had asked. And you said that if you asked your niece to be a bridesmaid then you'd have to ask his sister too.Personally, I'd find it extremely hard not to have asked his little sister in the first place and only your own daughter. Can't you see how cold this must seem and how upsetting it might be for her? At risk of sounding like your own families, I do wonder why you have chosen not to ask the other two girls (niece and his sister)? It does seem rather cold, to me anyway.I am now wondering if your families have got a bit of a point. Of course a wedding is the day that should belong to the bride and groom. But, I do wonder, if a bride and groom are actually very self-centred people anyway, then maybe the family (rightly) feel ignored. If a bride and groom are actually going to invite family, then it becomes a family occasion up to a point. I can't see where you are taking into account ANY of your family's requests. It's very natural for a young girl to want to be bridesmaid at her own brother's wedding. And it's very natural for parents to be concerned to have to take their children out of school for the afternoon.The way that you are weighing up your options is quite telling. You describe them as either giving in (to them) and letting them have their way, or marrying with no-one there. It does seem very much the case that, in your mind, it's "my way or the high way" - there is no room AT ALL for any compromise or consideration of your family's very normal requests. Making some compromises does not mean ruining your day or letting them completely take over. You've invited them presumably because you like THEM as people and want THEM to be there, not just to turn up like actors in a theatre performance and just perform to your tune? They're human beings and for some reason you are feeling very threatened by their requests - they're not demands, just requests. You and your future husband might use this as an opportunity to work as a team to think through compromising with others.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2014): Your choices. It's your wedding.
However, I don't understand why you don't want the girls to be bridesmaids. Their parents are obligated to buy the dresses not you. So no added expense. If you only want your daughter to be a bridesmaid because you want it to be special just explain that to them.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (28 July 2014):
 Get married abroad, just the 2 of you and have a big party for family and friends when you return.
Your Aunts paid for most of the honeymoon already so if you get married while your away you can actually enjoy it.
Its your wedding day and it's supposed to be happy, so make it your day.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2014): I understand completely. You really do not need to explain yourself. You can if you feel theneed to, but I would just nodd and smile at their suggestions then do whatever I wanted anyways.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (28 July 2014):
 I utterly agree with Auntie BimBim.
Tell them, THIS is HOW WE want our day to be, WE would love for you to come, but if you can't be HAPPY for us on the day, then you can choose to decline the invitation.
The hen/stag do would NOT be paid by, by the groom and bride - that would USUALLY be by the best man/maid of honor - who also would arrange the "fun" of the evening.
Sounds a little to me like your family are looking forward to a great bash on YOUR expense, not looking forward to seeing you two tie the knot.
Since YOU are paying for it, they have no say. (at least in my book).
Stick to your guns.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (28 July 2014):
 No, don't give in.
Tell both sets of parents: "our wedding was supposed to be a happy day where George and I formalised our relationship and promise to be with each other for the rest of our lives.
However, with the demands being put on us by our families it is turning into a big nightmare.
We have been planning our big day for years, and the plans put in place suit our needs as a couple with a child, and, more importantly, our budget.
Put simply we want to stick to our original plans, our daughter as bridesmaid, close family only, on a weekday to reduce costs and so on.
We cant accommodate everybody else's wishes and we would appreciate your help (both sets parents) in getting the word out.
Our wedding will either happen according to our plans, or it will be a registrar office with just you (the parents) granny and us.
I hope your families are not as self serving as your letter sounds but that they are all just excited and have let themselves get a little over exuberant with wanting to help plan. :)
Good luck, be strong, don't be bullied, either they but out or get left out.
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