A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My love interest and I have known each for years through a walking group but we have never dated due to a communication breakdown. Recently we have started to become closed again. It could possible go somewhere but he is a cautious as the last few years he has been hurt dating. There is a group weekend away with the walking group. Many of my friends have said they are going but I have been hesitant to put my name down as I know he is going with his friends so I know we won't have any time alone, I don't want him to think I am being a stalker and I probably won't see him as he will be with his friends. On the other hand I want to go regardless as I enjoy walking even if he is there or not. Many of my friends keep asking me to come and say I shouldn't care what he thinks. They're seem disappointed I'm not going. If I did go I would keep some distance as I don't want to seem clingy. What should I do? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (31 August 2017):
 There's surely something in what WiseOwlE says but as for me I think it may be even simpler :
- have you ever thought that perhaps these unassertive men are in fact assertive enough - with the women they really like ?
Someone who is shy, insecure or had bad experiences with women in the past, may have more trouble than others in going after what he wants, but , given time and the right circumstances ," along the years ", they will. If they don't- they are just not that into you.
Take the guy in your March 2017 post, for instance. You reconnected, started talking, were getting along like a house on fire... and then he says he must go to a birthday party. Well, why did he not just skip the party ( not polite , I know, but- people does it all the time." A la guerre comme a la guerre !" ), Or why did he not ask you to tag along. Or why, quite simply, did he not call you AFTER the party, the day after or the week after. He just had to go to a party, not to the other end of the globe !
I think perhaps you misread their signals and/ or are too quick to take any form of male attention as romantic. I have no doubt that these guys showed you attention, or complimented you, or enjoyed talking to you etc. but that does not authomatically means " I want to date her " . Maybe they paid attention to you, or engaged you in conversation, because you are good to look at. Or a nice person, or a good listener, or a brilliant talker. Which is good, but not necessarily in a romantic, " I want her to be mu girlfriend " way.
You are attracted to elusive , " catch me if you can " guys, but normally if they elude you.... it's because they do not want to be with you. If they wanted- they 'd be quick in seizing their chance with you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2017): Perhaps you ought to give guys a chance that you claim you're "not attracted to."
That might be an indication that you're sticking to a "type." The "type" you're into; just don't seem to be into you.
You say you want a more assertive guy? Those are the guys you're not attracted to!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI met these men in different walking groups years ago. The one from 4 years ago I realised was not worth it. The second guy who I like now we lost touch for a few years so didn't see each other.
I just wonder why I can't meet an assertive guy. I meet nice guys who drop hints but don't take it further and then the ones I am not attracted to throw themselves at me all of the time.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (30 August 2017):
 Thankyou for your update ... are these two different men you met years ago in the same group or two different walking groups?
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your answers so far. The thread from December 2016 is a completely different guy who I removed from my life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2017): You're a woman in her 30's and behaving like a crush-struck teenage-girl. Please act your age. Go to the event and enjoy it for what it is, entertainment!
If he is in his 30's also? Any guy that age afraid of attempting a romantic-connection with a woman he likes; because he's afraid to get hurt, is a real wussy! What a weakling and a drama-queen! I mean forearm to the forehead, drop to the couch type drama-queen! Dude, grow a pair!
I don't think you're picking-up on the reality of all this. He's just not that into you. You're living on possibility and probability, not reality.
Wear something hot, gather your friends, and go. It's really immature to deny yourself something you like to avoid running into somebody who "might" like you; but "can't" ask for a date, because he doesn't want to get hurt.
Seriously?!!!
Seems you're doing all the suffering, if you ask me.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (29 August 2017):
 It sounds to me from this post and your other ones that you like him but the feelings are not being returned. If you want to go then go with your friends and let him enjoy the experience with his friends. It shouldn't stop you from going unless their is something here you are not telling us am not sure why he would think you are stalking him?
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (29 August 2017):
Haven't you answered your question yourself ?
" I want to go regardless as I enjoy walking even if he is there or not ".
Then go.
You belong to the same walking group, so ,I suppose ,a group that was founded in the intent that its members could join the hikes which this group organizes . So how is it " stalking " if you join an activity that you'd practice anyway even if you had never met, and that he coincidentally happens to enjoy too ?...
If you were Catholics and you had met at church, would you stop attending Mass because he goes there too ?
You do what you want to do, and try to enjoy yourself regardless of what this guy may want, think or say, because it has no more relevance in your life of what your milkman, or your neighbour 3 doors on the left, could want , think or say. It seems that you have been entertaining romantic fantasies about this guy for a long while, but, blame it on his own anxiety, blame it on the meddlesome friends, blame it on sheer bad luck or whatever- the fact is that in 4 years he did not take his chance, when you threw him the ball he punctually let it drop, and he never acted like someone who is really interested . If nothing has happened between you so far, it is highly unlikely that it may happen now.
That may be hard for you to come to terms with- on the other hand ,please realize that if he is not romantically interested in you, that has got nothing to do with your social and recreational life, and the things you do for your own satisfaction, which should go on , as you said yourself, whether he is there or not.
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (29 August 2017):
You have written about this guy several times before:
December 2016
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-feel-fed-up-not-knowing-where-i.html
March 2017
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/we-still-like-each-other-but-i-dont.html
Why are you even contemplating not doing something you enjoy because some dude who you have a long standing crush on is also going to be there?
Your letter doesn't make sense, you say in one breath that you and he are getting close and then you say you will keep your distance .... make up your mind!
4 years you have been waiting for something to happen with him, I think that's three years too long! Don't put your life on hold for somebody who hasn't had the gumption to do anything in the past 4 years (that goes for you too by the way).
If you are interested then take this opportunity to let him know .... if he is interested then take it further, ask him out for coffee ... if he isn't interested then stop with the day dreaming and look elsewhere for male companionship.
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