A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a problem. My boyfriend of nearly seven years has watched and masturbated to pornography throughout behind my back. He has also lied to me when I have caught him out. He even continued to do this whilst I was pregnant and after our baby arrived... until I caught him again. He has quit now (apparently) but my problem is that I don't trust him any more, I also don't feel like I really know him any more, and I've turned off of him sexually because of all of this. Despite his giving it up, I no longer feel special in this relationship, our relationship was not strictly 'just us' as I had once believed. I have read blogs where people seem to be ok if their partner quits but I am unable to get over that it even happened in the first place.I don't need to hear any of the normal drivel about how this is normal for men, I've done way too much research on the topic and I know better.I suppose I'm hoping to hear from other women who feel the same and get some advice on what you did about your situation.Please don't insult me for the way I feel, I know some men get very defensive over their porn viewing habits, but my man knew better and did it anyway. I don't need to hear from such men thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2011): I think you may have mean't you 'hoped' to hear from women who were going through the same thing and felt the same way? Your quote ...
'I suppose I'm hoping to hear from other women who feel the same and get some advice on what you did about your situation'.
Wtf is 'normal' anyway? His normal, may not be my normal, or your normal but its HIS normal?!
There is no point being nasty to people who are offering you their opinions is what I'm saying. You will do what you want anyway, you asked advice, people gave it, there is no need to act nasty towards people on here!
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI specifically asked for opinions from women who were going through the same thing and who felt the same way. That's why I'm annoyed. I'm not interested in hearing about how 'normal' his behaviour is.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2011): Neither did i? (I was saying IF he watched porn EVERYDAY then MAYBE there WAS a problem)
Why are you so aggressive???
Neither is he 'WANKING OFF TO EVERY WOMEN HE FINDS ATTRACTIVE' (as you re-iterated he doesn't do it every day)!!
You're a making a mountain out of a molehill, imo, (and yes, I am entitled to an opinion)!!!
I don't know where it is 'proved' men watch more porn than women? Surely that depends on individual couples?? But I would not feel guilty about it, (if it 'floated my boat', and I watched it more than a man) I don't need porn btw, I have a good imagination on my own, but am not upset if a partner likes it. It is 'fake', imaginary' etc, NOT REAL LIFE.
I honestly am not sure why you came on here, asking opinions, and then get all 'arsey' with people's replies??? They are PEOPLE'S OPINIONS of YOUR situation.
Don't ask... if you are not prepared for different opinions to your own...
Good luck
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2011): Jesus, take a chill pill love!! I'm not suprised he does it with your attitude!
If you aren't going to respect peoples answers, don't bother asking people's opinions...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Holly. Refreshing to have an answer that is actually helpful.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI never said that he did it everyday or that he was an addict. Reading some of these replies is like reading answers to another question altogether. Men are visual creatures yes, so are women, I'm VERY visual, doesn't mean I need to go and w**k off to every man I find attractive, and no I don't think of other men while I'm in bed with my boyfriend. It is proven that men and women are equally aroused when watching porn, but still men do it more, now why do you suppose that is? Less guilt?
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2011): If you don't like him watching porn, and he has given it up, but you still don't believe him, then obviously the trust has gone, so you need to split up.
I wouldn't call 'watching porn' cheating though, personally,I think men are 'visual' creatures!! Maybe watching it everday is a message he isn't happy in the relationship, or he has some sort of sexual addiction problem!
Have you never found someone physically attractive on telly that does it for you? Like a singer, athlete, actor etc? Have you never fantasised that you're in bed with them, and not your partner occassionaly? (You know, when you're with someone and you agree with them that if ever you met them, that would be the one night stand you would each let each other do?!! Lol, because, lets face it, it ain't never gonna happen!! lol) It's called fantasy!
Though if it upsets you (and it did) and he still does it, then you have to accept it or leave him really? Simple.
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reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (24 November 2011):
 while i eat the same thing for breakfast 99% of the time, I do not like the same meal for lunch and dinner every day.
variety is the spice of life..
I guess for me personally I'm a bit different. I do not care where my man gets his appetite as long as he eats at home...
maybe he just needs a bit of variety...
my boyfriend prefers young Asian women as his ideal. I am neither... so he looks at porn with young Asian women.
we don't exist in a vacuum and I am married not dead....
when we masturbate, we think of something. we don't do it in a void... we also don't totally control our wandering minds... so if he needs a focal point... I guess the girls on the sky channel are it.
what I do not get OP, is if you are so adamant about this why are you still with him? he told you he would leave himself... you told us his behavior is not acceptable... I guess you want to know WHY before you leave???
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2011): I can tell you at a very simple level why he did that.. because he was sexually attracted to what he saw. That is why he 'knocked one out'.
There is absolutely nothing further going on than this basic, primitive response to the sexual imagery.
It's no different than a fat person going to impulsively stuff their face at McDonald's, they are compelled to do it due to a primitive response to satisfy a need.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMiamine - you say you can explain to me why he masturbates to women on the Sky channels who aren't even doing anything - then please do. You keep saying I have no room for other opinions? Why do you think I am on here? I know what I feel about it and that won't be changed, but I would like some opinions on WHY men and women think it's ok to look at other people sexually when in a relationship? If you can tell me WHY he looked at those women on the Sky channels I would be most grateful? What is he thinking when he does that?
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reader, person12345 +, writes (24 November 2011):
 Have you pointed how ridiculous that is to him, not us, but clearly explained to his face how hypocritical he's being?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLol, yes well that is the double standard issue isn't it. Ever notice that most men say 'why don't you watch it with him' never 'why don't you watch it behind your partners back too' reason for this is they can maintain a level of control, take that control away and they probably wouldn't like their misses getting off to other men behind their backs. You're right. It's bs.
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reader, person12345 +, writes (23 November 2011):
Wait so even when he says he'd give you an ultimatum if you were using, he continues to use it? That's bs.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2011): There are many women who feel betrayed by a mans usage and possible addiction to pornography. I find it odd how people want to downplay or discount that such a thing exsists- porongraphy addict.Pornography is a growing leading cause to divorces, infidelity, and does in fact impact heartache to many men and women. It has robbed wives, husbands, families of their rightful time with their loved ones, as it takes more and more time to acheive the same sexual high or buzz that first time viewing of porn was able to create.There is indeed a pattern of usage and equating lust factor and that sexual high for a porn addict to get off to.Its no longer the porn is a harmless past time to now, it is a consuming force that the porn viewer feels he/she is no longer in control of.This indicates it is harmful, it is real, it is unhealthy, and can indeed create many intimacy issues to the point a man has a hard time staying erect, staying aroused, as real one on one sex with a live woman is not as 'exciting' or 'easy' as getting off to a fantasy one.I say get some couples counselling and try to save what you have left of your relationship, if BF indeed wants to stop but believes he is no longer in control to stop. That would be an Addict.Work it out. Give it time.IF the BF doesn't want to seek counselling, well then, its time to leave as you clearly state you deserve better than a Man who is an addict.How come we can counsel women to leave their addict drug abuser or addict alcohol abuser or addict gambler but for some reason, an addict Porn Viewer/User is okay?Its the pattern of behaviour and the ADDICT we are not happy about and certainly an ADDICT needs help to cope and address their addict behaviour.Anyways...You can be angry but dont' stay angry. You can be hurt but dont stay hurt.Eventually you may have to just give up the cause and accept he may want to change but is unable to change UNTIL HE SEEKS HELP and sticks to his therapy and ADDICTION Recovery Program.Once and Addict, always an addict. Just a RECOVERING ADDICT does their best to not fall back into their addictive habit.It takes vigilance.
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reader, Miamine +, writes (23 November 2011):
 I'm aware of your views you've made them very clear, and you haven't left much room for discussion. You also haven't left us any room to give any advice except dump the guy. That's your choice, no compromise, no understanding - So show the guy the door.You don't like porn. But you also don't like men to watch women on TV. As you say, the girls on sky aren't naked, they are wearing underwear. They also is no sexual acts shown, you don't even see a breast.I could explain a bit on why he masturbates to girls on Sky. But as you say, you have your views on porn, and you don't want to hear anything different.Again, the answer for women who hate porn, hate men looking at women in any type of sexual way, and refuse to have in discussions - Is leave him.*Note - this may not solve your problems, especially in the future.. but it will solve your problems with this particular guy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am neither right nor wrong. I have my feelings about porn and that's that. My partner has already said if the roles were reversed he would be issuing an ultimatum- give up or get out. I guess he feels the same way about it as I do. If I'm honest the watching porn I can understand when the excuse is he likes to watch the act of sex, but what about knocking one out over the girls on the Sky adult channels, they're not even doing anything. I simply don't understand it.
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reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (23 November 2011):
 To be honest OP, it sounds like you have already made your mind up and will not be prepared to listen to anyone who doesn't agree with you.
Your comment "I don't need to hear any of the normal drivel about how this is normal for men, I've done way too much research on the topic and I know better."
You know better - you must be on a much higher plain than the rest of us then.
If you read thru any of these questions on this site you will see that there are many different viewpoints on porn, are you saying that anyone who disagrees with you is wrong? Sadly you have to accept that men use porn. Regardless of if you agree or disagree with it.
If you really cannot deal with this, then perhaps you and your partner are not compatible.
If he didn't like you doing something - such as having male friends, would you stop having male friends? No? Why not?
I am not going to insult you about your views. That is what you believe. HOWEVER, if you expect people to understand and accept your views, you must be willing and open to accept that other people MAY think differently to you.
I am not going to comment on whether you are right or wrong, that is something you must decide for yourself.
Relationships are about compromise.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLol no I don't forbid him to do anything. He makes his own decisions.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 November 2011):
so do you forbid him to masturbate too?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCan I just add that this is not about insecurity it's about respect and my not liking my bf getting sexual gratification from other women. It's cheating.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2011): You say you was with him when he was using porn,but now he doesnt you want to split. Maybe it time to bail out. My man and me both watch it but I am not insecure so it doesnt bother me.
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 November 2011):
I won't insult your feelings or your beliefs but I will say that if you feel THAT strongly about it you are probably better off finding a new partner that has the same beliefs you do and leave your current partner for a woman who is ok with porn...
If you can't and don't trust him there is no relationship, you will never believe him, you will always be clouded by this....
I'm terribly sorry but for your own peace of mind I think you need to end the relationship
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female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (21 November 2011):
 The message I get is that you're not enjoying the relationship any more. In a way your mind appears to already be made up, so if you're looking for re-inforcement on here, well, here it is -
Yes, both of you may be better off not being together. Both, mind you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2011): it may be he couldnt get what he wanted from you sexually so he went to find it. at least he wasnt in brothels. i would say you are mismatched and would be better breaking up.
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reader, mammaboo +, writes (21 November 2011):
 I have has grievences about the use of porn befor and i said to him that if you can,t wait for me to do this with you then it doesn,t happen while im living here and i threw it away!
He bought more and did it while i was at work i got mad and refused him sex! He soon got in control of how much he used it and when!He knows what is good and what is really good!
Show him what your made of make him want you more, then when he is gagging for you throw him the porn.
Be adventurous send him pics of you make him want to be where you are then don,t be there! Leave the porn there instead. It worked for me!You have to find your super sexy confident self to do this though and you have to know you can turn his head!
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reader, serenity80 +, writes (21 November 2011):
It doesn't sound like you two are compatible. If no compromise can be made, there is no other option but go your separate ways.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2011): He has quit my a^^e. Findings suggest internet related porn along with dating chat rooms are addictive. Most who stop using dont stay stopped and they simply go back to it. Reading between the lines it looks like you have had a case going for years and i am not convinced you have not blown it out of proportion. I would finalise this as trust and your views are minus.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2011): I think women and porn are like men and their partner's sexual history. People should be encouraged to just seek whatever they really want in a partner and not get demonized for it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2011): the key point to me is that your man knew how much it upset you but carried on and on. There are ways to be much more discreet. I would feel undermined too - porn has its place... but that is it - it has its place it should not be dominant in a persons sex life unless they perhaps have been single for a very long time. It has clearly made you feel as if you are not enough - and it would have me too. Again I go back to the point about him doing this despite you feeling upset about it. That, to me, says the most. Is this a pattern in your relationship? I think you need to start focusing on yourself - making YOU feel good. Take the relationship out of the way of you feeling good and see where that takes you. Too much emphasis on him. Its time you felt sexy again in your own right. I think then you can make some equal decisions about how you feel about him.
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reader, Miamine +, writes (21 November 2011):
I'm assuming that you made it clear that you didn't want him to use pornography. That means he has lied to you for 7years. Very normal, most men who use pornography have to lie if they are with a woman who hates it. Not going to argue about your views, you seem to be very clear about what you want. If he's lied to you for 7years, what makes you believe that he will be able to do what you want. Best thing to do, if you feel like this, is to end the relationship and find someone who suits you better. Most men use porn, but not all, some men hate pornography, some men aren't that bothered by it. Be aware, that many men will lie and continue to lie about the issue, but there are many porn free guys out there.You can also try some of the anti-porn sites. They have tons of experienced women who have gone through this, and your less likely to read any views from men or women who disagree with you.
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reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (21 November 2011):
 I kinda get the feeling that you've already made your decision...
Yes, as men we tend to get defensive about porn... kinda to be expected when its demonized so much and so often here... but that's neither here nor there.
At the end of the day- if its an issue for you, then its an issue, full stop... and that applies to anything in any relationship. You don't need to justify your feelings if it irks you so much. Just pack up and move on to someone more compatible who treats you the way you want to be treated.
Nuff said.
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reader, questionable2009  +, writes (21 November 2011):
Every woman is different. Some accept porn is normal, others are upset by it.When it becomes an issue is when the guy continues to do it, hides it and lies to the girl so that the girl finds out and the trust diminishes.The same happened with me. The first time i reacted poorly to the porn, after that trusted him less and when i found out he watched again, it wasnt the porn, but the fact he swore he wouldnt watch it again. A promise is a promise after all.If it bothers you that much, you cant stop him doing it and maybe you need to reassess your feelings.For me i realised that it is something my boyfriend does, that I cant give him. That sole time to look at something different to me, a type of woman that I am not and never will be. An interest of his, for my man, a fetish instead of normal action porn (sex and naked women). I woke one day and told my man he was ok to do it and I didnt need to know when or how. As long as he provided me the sexual satisfaction I needed, and accepted I may look at porn myself.He swore to never look again. I think moreso because he didnt want me looking at porn..! the shoe was on the other foot and he realised how I felt about him watching porn.You need to be open with your man. You may need to accept its what he needs and he'll continue to do it behind your back. Its possible your man just has a higher sex drive. The other way I think of it is that isnt it better he is alone looking at porn, than being sexually frustrated, keeping a look out for someone else and possibly having an affair?Trust me, once you accept its what he likes and accept he will do it (EVEN IF YOU DONT LIKE IT!!) it makes you feel less deceived. Also if you ever come across him, or evidence you'll be able to tell yourself that you are ok and he didnt lie to you, rather than get so worked up because he was once again lieing to you.Not meaning to take the guys side but I have been there and I know i felt better once i was open with him and accepted he needs his alone time too so im prepared for if i do come across something again. Doesnt mean Im happy about it, but I have accepted it and the relationship is so much better
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2011): It depends on if you gave him a strong message that cheating includes porn in your book or not? If the answer is yes then do what feels right but if you were not particular in mentioning this then I think that you should give him another chance because he did give it up for you. I confess that I have viewed porn as a board, lonley, single man but never when in a relationship with a woman.
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