A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been in a seven-year relationship with my girlfriend/ex-girlfriend (I'm not sure which is accurate at this point). We have always struggled with how we resolve conflict. We've been through the break-up-make-up cycle many times. Each time we've had a fight, she usually ignores me afterwards, I call/text/show up and try to "fix things, she's resistant but eventually comes around and always tells me that if things don't change she's going to break up for good.Last Wednesday night we had a great evening - dinner together, making holiday plans, etc. Afterwards, as we were about to watch a few TV shows together, we had a stupid fight. She exclaimed, "Why am I even here, this is ruining my night!" I responded, "Let me guess, you're going to leave now and ignore me?" She got up, walked out, went to her own place and we haven't talked since.I haven't made efforts to "fix" things this time for a couple of reasons. One is because she always criticizes me for doing so. She blames all fights on me and then says the reason I make the efforts to fix things afterwards is because I realize I was wrong. The other reason is that I'm still a bit annoyed myself and am probably being hard headed. I guess there's a third reason: I don't know what to do or how to do it.So my question is, what do I do to fix this? If I do nothing will she just move on (which is what I'm afraid of)? Should I reach out and try like I always do? Please help.
View related questions:
move on Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2017): Hi there,I read your original post and notice you never mention what the "stupid fight" was all about. Is there some truth perhaps that you were somewhat at fault? Did you say something incredibly stupid/ hurtful, the kind of things that seem like "no big deal" to men, but that hurt a woman deeply?Okay,now coming to the part where you always fight...yes. I get where the other aunts are coming from saying to end it because why go on fighting like this. I am of two minds here. Yes, I had a relationship like this myself and this past year ended it. There are many days I still regret ending it and there are days I am glad for the peace.Often the relationships that have the fights are also on the flip side of things the most passionate, compelling ones. That is why they are so addictive. I am guessing it is the same situation here. Two hot-headed people who don't communicate in the same ways, but when they do it is magic. Sometimes we fight most with those we are closest to, because we expect them to truly be our soul mates in every respect, and it hurts more than ever if they are even slightly off in their thoughts. With a less intense relationship perhaps it is easier to let things go, because deep down you don't get as hurt, jealous, upset, etc....everything is a little bit more easygoing because it isn't as all-consuming. I have had a few relationships of both types. Every time the passionate ones have been the ones with the fights, the separations, longings and the wonderful highs of make-ups. And I have had very calm, functional relationships, no fighting, where I could have (and maybe should have?) married the person but there just seemed to be something missing. So that probably doesn't help your dilemma. But personally I am going to try having one of the calm, functional relationships again (lol) and will try to stick with it this time. Because there IS a time when the fighting gets old, you just want peace and perhaps have to sacrifice that "soul mate passion" for something that will work in the long term, supporting each other in whatever way possible. On the other hand, hey if you can find a way to be a bit more functional with your fights, maybe you CAN live with arguments here and there knowing that you are getting passion in return. BUT you would have to agree on some ground rules so the fighting doesn't get out of hand, like no walking out, no shouting, agreeing to disagree, etc. You would have to strategize to reduce the fighting for sure. Fighting is hard to change so I don't see you two ever being able to stop completely, but if you work hard you might be able to reduce it. Some married people I know DO choose this path where they do actually still have fairly frequent fights and just live with it knowing that they love each other underneath. Many others find someone who makes a calm type of relationship with their personality. So you have to think if you could put up with a version of this (an improved version of this) for your lifetime, or no are you going the calm route? The choice is yours. Best of luck,
A
male
reader, N91  + ♥, writes (16 November 2017):
 I know it's hard to accept. It feels bizarre, like you can't imagine your life without this person in it. But if they're not the one, they're not the one and as you've described this on/off scenario, she really doesn't sound compatible with you despite how hard that may be to hear. I have been through what you have, just as many posters in this site have.
I can tell you that you won't go through this agro with the person that is meant for you, believe me. You'll look back on that relationship and question how you stuck with it for so long.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you again, everyone. I'm having a hard time with this.I didn't have to decide whether to help her or not, about 30 minutes after the text, she sent me another text apologizing for having asked for my help and to never mind, because she had figured it out.Then her son texted me last night (not unusual, he does a lot) and asked if I could help him and his mom figure something out. I responded to his text, telling him what to do, and he said thank you.I haven't contacted or heard from my girlfriend since.I agree with the objective points of view of all of you. It's just so hard putting 7 years of your life into a relationship with someone only to conclude it needs to end. There were/are so many good things and it's hard to not consider those as outweighing the drama/conflict that has gotten us to this point. We've had a lot of fun, been through some tough times together, been there for each other, etc. It's just hard to comprehend that cannot outweigh what's going on now.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 November 2017):
 Seriously,OP? You can't see anything wrong in this picture : she can't have lunch with you because you are broken up ( ok, it makes sense ) yet she can run to you for help the very first moment she needs something, even if you are broken up ?
I'd say that, either she really , really only cares about having her computer fixed free of charge , and in this case calling you just post break up shows insensitivity , a self serving mentality and no concern at all for how you could feel. Or else, ( more probably ) she is using the same break up-make up technique as in the past, only more diluted. She'll call you for fixing her computer... and then fpr fixing the shower head.. to take her pet to the vet,....- and ( she hopes and thinks ) pretty soon you'll fall back to right where you were , without any need for her to change or apologize or question her actions.
You don't need to ignore. You can be polite but firm. You can tell her that you won't help her because at this time it's both inappropriate, and painful for you. You need to keep your distance to digest this loss and hopefully move on, and as of now it's really too early, and pointless, to do the fake , contrived " let's be friends ". So, she needs to let you be , and then, time will tell; que sera sera. Right now though- don't feel bad for not helping ; I am pretty sure you are not the only guy around that can fix a computer, worst case scenario she can PAY someone to do that , same as all the people who do not have a tech-savvy partner, or ex partner, conveniently available !
...............................
A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (16 November 2017):
What will you gain by continuing this relationship. Make up to break is no way to go through life. Don’t ignore her, call her to tell her goodbye and mean it. Then spend your time and energy finding a partner you are actually compatible with.
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (15 November 2017):
 OP if things are over between you both then she needs to realize she cannot just call you when she needs help with something. You have been together a long time, but now you both need some freedom and space to get over the breakdown off the relationship. I get some parts where good, but if you are always fighting over silly things and allowing it to build up then it is obviously not working. I wouldn't try and remain friends either for now until you feel you are over each other.
...............................
A
male
reader, N91 + ♥, writes (15 November 2017):
I agree with Honeypie, id just remind her that she said she didn't want to do this anymore which to me would mean any form of communication.
Feel free to add that you think blocking each other would be the best way forwards to move on, or just do it without mentioning whichever you prefer, but without that I feel you'll struggle to get over everything.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (15 November 2017):
 Don't ignore her, just tell her that you rather not do this for her.
If things are over they are OVER, they are not "well you can still DO things for me"... That will turn into a dragged out thing as well.
And it's NOT like you two are just "friends". You are two people who have had a romantic relationship on/off for 7 years.
I DO suggest that you cut her off totally. That way you can BOTH figure out if there is anything worth "saving" or not. And if not, then moving on will be "easier".
Sorry, I hope things work out for the best for both of you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, all, for the responses. I have been beating myself up for a while now with the points you make..."Why am I doing this?" My problem, besides the obvious that I don't want the relationship to be over, is that I have believed our problems were caused by both of us. That is, she's not the problem, I'm not the problem, we're the problem. I've been convinced that, while I can't change her, and I can hardly change me, together we can figure out how to make those conflicting parts of our personalities work. My main line of thinking is that the relationship is so good in other aspects, it makes more sense to get rid of the things we don't like (how we fight) than the things we do like (the relationship in general.)"With that being said I'm extremely frustrated, as I know she is, and to answer Honeypie's question: No, don't want to continue doing this for any amount of years.I called her yesterday and she did not answer. I called her this morning and she did not answer. We had planned to attend her son's school's Thanksgiving lunch today so I showed up and asked her if I could take her to the lunch like we had planned. She said no, and said she didn't want this relationship anymore. I said I thought that was a mistake but I left. She texted me later saying she apologizes for hurting me but she can't do this anymore. I didn't respond. Then she came by my office because she was in the building for other business (I have no doubts that was true) and again said she was sorry and sad, etc. I just said I still disagree with how it's being handled but I will respect her desire to end it. She left.Now she just texted me asking if I could help her with a computer problem (I am computer savvy, she is not, and it's one of the things I constantly work on for her). I'm inclined to ignore it because I feel like it's either just an attempt to use me or an attempt to keep me stringing along. On the other hand, it's not my style to not help - even if it was any other friend - so I actually feel bad ignoring her.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (15 November 2017):
OP, I have a question for you, if you don't mind?
Do you wish to spend 8 or 9 or 10 or more, years doing this crap over and over and over and over?
It sounds like you two are having a "Groundhog Day" relationship. While things can be great it ALWAYS goes in that argument that sets up her passive-aggressive silent treatment and you have to grovel and apologize even if the fault doesn't lie with you specifically.
It becomes a pattern. It HAS become a pattern for the two of you. She knows. You know. Neither of you wants to fix it. You both just presume that "he/she" will get over it and we will go back to "normal" - except... This on/off IS your "normal" now. And it will continue unless you get off the ride.
7 years is a LONG time to do the SAME (stupid) stuff OVER and OVER and expecting a different result. For me? WAY too long. and is from someone who has been married for 20 years.
Look OP, you can LOVE someone and NOT be a good match. You can care for someone and JUST NOT work out. You two have spent 7 years and you can't even compromise or have an argument that doesn't escalate into the set pattern of her giving you the silent treatment and you groveling for forgiveness so you can go back to doing the same shit over and over. That isn't a GOOD or HEALTHY relationship.
I agree with Cindy that it seems you two are together more out of habit, familiarity, and codependency. Which really.... isn't a good basis.
N91 too made a good point that MAYBE you need to take a closer look and if you DON'T want to be doing this in 2-3-4 (however many) years time, then MAYBE you need to accept that it's NOT working and it's NOT going to work out.
You can not change her. You probably (like the rest of us) have trouble changing yourself. BUT - you CAN change how you deal with this issue. You can TRY something you haven't done before - END it. MOVE on.
So many people in our age group have this "scarcity mindset" that they will NEVER find someone else to build a future with. Stop and consider this, HOW many million women are in your country alone? women aged 35–64 years accounted for 39.7 percent of roughly 150 MILLION women! that is roughly 58!!! million women. Of course, some are married, some are engaged, some are dating but... without DOUBT, there are PLENTY of women out there looking for a GOOD and HEALTHY relationship.
OR you can continue on this crazy carousel ride of a relationship ad nauseam.
You do have choices.
...............................
A
male
reader, N91 + ♥, writes (15 November 2017):
How have you been dealing with this for 7 years honestly?
Do you not think there's someone out there that you don't have to endure this with? This sounds tiring beyond belief.
I don't see what you're getting out of it to be quite honest. Moments of peace before an inevitable falling out? Doesn't sound appealing at all.
My advice, tell her that this time it is over for good. It's clear that things aren't working and you're not the right people for each other so it's time to leave things as they are and to both move on to find someone who you aren't constantly fighting with and gives you an easy life. I would then proceed to block her number and remove her from all social media and start to move on with my life.
I was in an on/off arrangement for just under 2 years so I really don't know how you have managed for 7. I have since met someone who I don't have any of this drama with and believe me, it's fantastic. It's really made me realise that situations like you're in aren't worth it in the slightest.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (15 November 2017):
I am pretty sure that this is not what you want to hear, but tbh if you are caught up in a 7 years (! ) cycle of on and off, break up and make up - and if you find yourselves frequently having " stupid " fights about menial stuff... please cease and desist. There's nothing worth fixing because there's no long term fix for a basic lack of compatibility. If you are afraid she might move on - and probably regardless of her silence, she feels likewise, i.e she is afraid that you are going to move on this time, -I doubt this comes out of true love and genuine feelings, it's more out of codependency / emotional addiction. Then again, regardless of how rerallu deep and selfless are your feelings and hers- what's love with no compatibility ? A waste of time and emotional energies. You may even have an off the charts chemistry, and live ( occasionally ! ) a dreamy , passionate romance worthy of those in classic literature- but you do not stand the test of time. You have a high degree of conflictuality, - and in 7 years you have not managed to compromise on a "fighting style " that does not feel spiteful / offensive for each partner. You can't even agree to disagree.
Sorry, but ... time to throw the towel . As I have repeated ad nauseam on DC , " Love is not staring into each other's eyes, love is looking together in the same direction " ( Saint Exupery ).
...............................
A
male
reader, Allumeuse +, writes (15 November 2017):
Honestly, if the fight is stupid and she doesn't want to make up, is the relationship worth saving?It seems a lot of relationships struggle with assigning the correct amount of gravity to fights, it may be because of pride or just that you have both fallen into this pattern over time. One thing is certain, all relationships have fights, but not all relationships breakup about them every time. If someone consistently threatens the end of a relationship during the course of a low level fight, then that is unacceptable behaviour as it insists on the other party conceding or forfeiting the relationship. That is too much power to cede on a regular basis and still see eachother as equal partners. Unfortunately this seems to be what has happened. You could try breaking the cycle, write her a letter saying that you love her and care for her but this cycle has to stop. She might be unwilling to give up this position of power she has over you, so unless she wants this cycle to change, prepare to be disappointed.There are good books about maintaining good relationships, and 'fighting fair' which you should read anyway, but getting her to read them is another matter.these are a good start:https://www.nathancobb.com/fair-fighting-rules.html Good luck
...............................
|
