A
male
age
51-59,
*nsure1011
writes:I am a 40 year old male and I have been dating a wonderful woman for the just over 2 years now. She is divorced and has a 15 year old son from a previous relationship, not her marriage. The father of the 15 year old boy is not in the picture at all. Here is my dilemma - the 15 year old boy is really troubled. He acts up in school, is nearly failing, and is disciplined regularly. He shows no interest in school or pretty much anything other than hanging with his friends and partying. This partying is further exacerbated by admitted drug use and drinking. He admitted to smoking marijuana with his friends saying he only did it "occasionally" and this includes drinking at parties as well. He also breaks rules around her home, allowing his friends to smoke cigarettes in his room when being told this is absolutely not allowed. The other day he fell asleep at school and the teacher suspected he was high. My girlfriend grounds him and makes him stay home but he doesn't seem to be bothered by any of this. He is very unemotional and just doesn't care about anything. I am 40 years old, never been married and I have no kids. I see this being a huge problem and it is certainly making me think twice about moving in with her. I get upset because the kid is so lazy and does nothing around the house. I know if we moved in together, I would not be holding my tongue when it comes to his lazing around. I can really foresee her son being a 25 year old, unemployed, do nothing laying on my couch and I know I do not want that.Am I being selfish? Should I be moving in with her as she wants or should I wait? Any thoughts would be appreciated.
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female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (18 November 2011):
 Hi,
He's at that age when kids are very rebellious. I am sure you know what I mean? We all been through that stage, when nothing matters. All you want to do is go out with your friends, stay out late nights. I remember when I was at that age, my dad punished me physically, but that didn't stop me. I wasn't as bad as your girlfriends son, didn't do drugs, but I understand how he feels. Also, to add to my story, I have wonderful parents, that provided me with everything, including unconditional love, and still I made my mistakes.
What I am trying to say is that, you are not the biological father, so it's hard to love him. I am not accusing you, or trying to blame you. The way you describe the situation make sense, however I feel an empty feeling? You accuse, blame, and judge him.
To me, I think he needs love and guidance. I think he needs support. It must be difficult for him to grow up, not having a real father in his life. Like I mentioned before, I had a normal, loving parents, never had financial issues, always had suuport, and it was difficult. Imagine him? Also, it's hard for him to accept you. It's nothing personal, it's not you. It's just the
situation.
He probably feels alone, sad.... He probably feels no love, or support. Hes probably scare... That's why he shows no respect, and angry all the time. He's hurting.... In his eyes, you are not a friend, but a threat. I might be wrong, but that's how I feel.
I think he needs guidance, instead of being judge, and keep putting him down. Imagine, everybody in his face trying to discipline him? 24/7? Also, it's a normal human defense, when you keep pressuring him, the less he will listen. He needs to understand. He needs to be treated with respect. He spends time with his friends, use drugs, because it's probably the only time he feels normal, because his friends do not give him rules, do not judge him. I hope he can get some some professional help as well. He's probably depress. I think you should consider, and do it soon, before it gets worst, and it's too late.
Good luck. - hope the best!
A
male
reader, Unsure1011 +, writes (17 November 2011):
Unsure1011 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your feedback C.Grant, it has made me do some thinking. In answer to your questions:
- Yes i have tried bonding with the boy but he has not been receptive to it. We get along well enough but I wouldn't say we are really close.
- Do I like the boy? That was a hard question to answer. I don't like the way he acts at times. He can be disrespectful to his Mother and he doesn't follow house rules...so behavior wise, I have my issues with him. I find it hard to separate the behavior from the person behind these behaviors. Does acting like this make him a bad person or is he just a teenager rebelling? He is also a "know it all" to the point of being delusional. He argues with his teachers at school that his work is correct when it is clearly wrong. He then gets disillusioned and refuses to do any further work. I will say, based on all this, he is a difficult nut to crack. I do find myself waiting for him to screw up all the time.
- I really don't think he will ever look at me as a Father. I don't think I want to be a father figure either.
I am certainly leaning to the idea that moving in now would be a bad idea. I think my introduction into the situation would further complicate matters and I am not interested in doing that. I guess if she doesn't accept my reasoning, it may be that the relationship wasn't meant to be.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2011): Counselling for Son and Family counselling for all three of you. A good family counselor may even suggest this to you as you and the GF are of mind to move in and be a Family.
From my Experience, I'm 39, Divorced hopefully twice soon, and have had boyfriends who think that since they move in or are dating me, automatically qualify to lead the household. Basically what it comes down to is, Mom is the Parent and you will be the supporting role. You can offer advice and counsel but in the end, you let Mom continue to do the parenting and then back her up on her decisions. Be the united Front.
You can still be a couple, a family but to prevent being the 'bad cop' and the one in the middle and Son using you against Mom, let Mom do the parenting. When she asks for help, ask her what she would have you do and then do so. But Mom needs to remain fair and tell son she gave you the say on so and so decision and she SUPPORTS this wisdom/counsel. Always work to be united and make decisions together and let the other aware of what is going on, or it can be a great upset and lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings.
NOTE: It takes a merging Family 7 years, by psychologists standards, for a Family to form in to a healthy, working unit. Counselling would aid the transition and aid Son in giving him coping tools with his anger.
Clearly son is angry over the abandonment he has from an absent Father and he is now doing the I am Rebeling to punish My Mom and more importantly, Myself. Son is only hurting himself and his choices have attached to them horrible consequences.
I'm surprised that Mom isn't taking away privelages and doling out chores or even community volunteer services to earn back his Ipad/Iphone, His TV, Blu Ray, and teaching him their are consequences to poor choices. Tough love is an effective tool. Again, doing some reading research can aid you in the whole decision making and moving in, family matters.
I recommend two books I currently have in my library that gave me great insight into raising young men.
How To Talk so Kids Will Listen & How To Listen So Kids Will Talk by Faber & Mazlish.
Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life Of Boys by Dan Kindlon PH.D. ( I totally adore this book!)
In the times we live, it is far better to be prepared and have a proactive approach to such matters and concerns over feeling helpless, overwhelmed as it can lead to guilt, short tempers and over reactions and anger. Not a good mind set to make decisions.
So avoid of all that by taking charge and getting counselling, even if it is just for you to start. ;)
Oh and Get the books.
;)
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (17 November 2011):
 You’re being confronted by one of the toughest relationship challenges out there. Coming into a home with a teen is difficult at the best of times. In this case, where his father isn’t on the scene and his mother has divorced another guy, the kid has likely not had a strong male influence in his life. That’s certainly what his behaviour suggests. You’ve been in the picture for two years, and it doesn’t sound like there’s been particularly successful bonding there either. That’s no knock against you – lots of kids his age have zero interest in letting new people into their lives.
No, I don’t think you’re being selfish, I think you’re being very realistic. You have identified a set of likely scenarios. If you think your reaction is likely to do more harm than good, it’s better for everyone if you don’t move in.
Tell your g/f what you’re thinking. Please be careful to avoid criticizing her parenting – nothing gets a parent’s back up faster than someone with no kids telling them how to parent. And don’t tell her that her son is a bad person – focus on the behaviour that you have a problem with, and what you foresee as the likely consequences of that behaviour.
These situations can work out, but everyone has to be on the same page going in. Do you like kids? More importantly, do you like this kid? Under the right circumstances, would you be prepared to love him, become a permanent part of his life, and give him the kind of patient guidance he needs?
It sounds like your bottom line is that you would need to be a father, with the rights and responsibilities that go with that. That means that you and his mother have to agree on discipline and boundaries, and present a united front. IMO that’s the only successful way forward if you want a more committed relationship with the mother. Otherwise, don’t move in.
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