A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:ok, me and my gf have been goin out for quite a while now and have been best mates for years. Although we've known each other all our lives i thought i could go through everything with her. But she lost her cousin a few days back, she died of cancer which was left un noticed for sometime so was hard to treat.She has always been close to her cousins daughter and her, her cousin and family agrred that when she doed that my gfs family would bring her up until my gf is old enough to adopt her as this had een planned. She still wants to go a head with it and ive told her that i will do my best to bring her up as well as my own becuase although shes not thats how i feel about her. Anyway resently shes hasnt been herself which is totally understandable but i really thought i could help her but everytime im around her i feel so uncomfortable incase she gets upset, i don't know what to say or talk about to her, whther to offer to take her out somewhere or anything. She has been extremly protective this past week over sarsh whos her cousins daughter and is terrified of leaving her incase she looses her which is understandable but needs to realise shes not becuase i think most people out there will know that its not a very nice thing having to see one of your parents upset esspecially when your too young to understand. She knows im hear for her but at the same time she knows ive never really delt with anything like this before. I've asked her before why she holds it in so much but all she says is shes got to or it won't go away and that she gotta cope with it. It hurts me enough just to see her like this and not know what to do. She seems to think it will all go anyway if she hold it back and that she can't cry because of being around others yet we get plenty of time to oursleves..She doesn't really talk to me about it although at times shes started to and then stopped as if she thought it wasn't the right thing to do. I really want to help her through this but need advice on how to approach the subject and how to deal with her when shes upset( i mean what to say and stuff becuase i feel so uncomfortable being around her and i dont want to be becuase i don't want her to feel un wanted or anything. Please can you help. I'm sorry this is so long but nobody would really understand unless they new the situation thanks.
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female
reader, AskEve +, writes (3 March 2007):
 Your girlfriend lost her cousin only a few days ago so she will still be in shock about it all. She needs time to grieve and get her head around it all. Be there for your girlfriend, you don't need to say anything at this point, there's nothing really TO say just hold her and let her know you're there for her. In a few days time, ask her what her cousin was like as a person, don't be frightened to TALK about this cousin. What things did they do together? Did they go on holidays? How close were they? She'll begin to talk lovingly about her and THIS is all part of the healing although she might not even be aware of it.
The more she talks about it the more she's healing herself. She will eventually break down through it all but that's good too as she will finally be coming to terms with it all.
In the weeks that follow you could talk to the cousin's daughter and ask her to get some old photographs of her mum and go through them with your girlfriend. This too will help her. Laugh with her and let her see you're really interested in what she has to say, let her reminisce and talk freely about her cousin and with time the hurt will slowly heal. As long as you remain strong and let her know you will be there for her then she'll come through this all the stronger for it.
Eve
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