A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for sometime and I have a 10 year old daughter. I have been having marriage problems for the last 3 years. My wife works part time and I work full time. I pay most of the bills. My wife spends her money on herself and our daughter. She also has credit cards that she will not share the balances with me. We've both agreed that the passion in our marriage is gone. We also tried marriage counceling with no success. I am feeling that I paying for almost everything, trying to control the debt, but I am going to end up owing alot of money if I ever get divorced. I feel pressure to stay married from friends and family but if I'm not happy what do I do? I'm not miserable but I feel I like I am imprisoning myself. We don't fight that often however it seems we don't see eye to eye on alot of things and we don't have much in common. So much has changed from 15 years ago. The more I talk the worse things seem to get. How do I know if she is using me and that she is happy with the status que? I think that she is happy working part time, happy with the house, happy that I pay the bills. If I move out while seperated she will run up her credit cards and I'll have to pay for everything that I pay for now. I could make an extra bedroom in my basement but what will that get me? Seperation seems like a losing situation. Divorce seems better for me but how about my daughter?
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi,I wanted to say thanks for the 2 responses that I got so far. I thought they were both good answers. I need to check out what Florida has to say about dividing up bills. I also have to keep an open mind and not cause myself grief. Thanks again.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm not so certain it is cheaper to keep her in the long run. I believe she is close to maxing her credit cards out again and she probably is paying 25% interest. It was my plan to have seperate accounts a couple of years ago but I've got debt from years with her. Nothing seems to work with controlling her spending. She makes $1000 a month but again I pay most of the bills except Emily's personal expenses. She has paid recently towards a vacation, Christmas gifts, and couple of other bills here and there. I need a plan but I'm lost because I've tried everything. It is hard to be close or feel close to someone when you know your not working as a team. Maybe she resents me that I want to put a lid on her spending. Again, the more I speak about "sensitive subjects" the worse off it seems I am.
I know if I was able to warm up she'd be more willing to cooperate with me on the finances but I'll still end up with the same amount of debt.
Anyway, I do think it will cost me alot in the short run to get a divorce (emotionally and financially) but in the long run I hope I'd be better off. My best and fairest guess is that she spends aprox. $1500 a month. She also has 5 credit cards so that eats up her salary as well.
Right now I think I want her paycheck so I can pay her bills and then give her cash as she needs it. No credit cards! When she runs out of money which could be soon I'll have to calmly say that it is this way or I want a divorce...
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A
male
reader, Sandman +, writes (3 January 2008):
 Divorce is always hard - not matter how you slice it. I just filed for divorce on Thursday so I know how hard it can be.
Trying to mend a broken marriage is hard, VERY hard - but it CAN be done. However, it takes two to tango. Meaning, you both have to work very hard at the marriage or it won't work. Counseling (as I've found out) will NOT work if either one of the parties has no desire to continue the relationship.
While I'm not a lawyer, I would guess that "it's cheaper to keep her!" If you divorce, because your wife has a part time job and you pay most of the bills, she will most likely be given some type of spousal support as well as child support. However, the amount of spousal support is determined by the parties (the party needing the support) earning power and ability to find a job to sustain themselves. So if your wife were a housewife having never worked during your marriage, she would probably be awarded more spousal support than if she were merely working part time because she just wanted to work part time. I work with many women who work part time, but have the ability to work full time if they choose to. These women also have great earning power (they are nurses). So these part time nurses might not get as much spousal support as a woman who worked part time at say - Macy's or something like that.
The other thing is, her bills are just that - HER bills. All bills that have both of your names you will be responsible for half (if you divorce). If she wants to continue to rack up debt then that's her business. The issue lies in the state you reside in and if they see as such. Some states don't care if you're bills are solely in your name or not - if you're married then ALL bills are shared (according to divorce law). So if she doesn't want to show you the balances, then so be it. If you decided to get divorced, she will be responsible for her own debts. And even if you are made to pay those bills, you will not be responsible for the debts occurred during that separation period (the two parties must live in a bona fide state of separation before divorce is granted-meaning not living as husband and wife).
The biggest loser in all of this will be your daughter. She is the one who stands to lose the most. Some divorces typically have ugly custody battles over the children. One thing to remember though is that you have as much right to your daughter as she does (most men believe the woman will automatically be given the children) so you need to state your case if you wish to keep your daughter with you. This will also keep you from paying child support. The other thing that will keep you from paying child support is joint custodial custody.
But even after saying all that - divorce can still be sidestepped if you both decide to work at your marriage. Remember the love you once had for each other. How the other made you smile. The first time they told a corny joke. The way your heart melted when you first danced as husband and wife. The closeness you felt when making your daughter :) There used to be something there - it's not gone it's merely hiding. You just have to find it. Love.
Hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2008): i am only 17 but i have been told a your fresh oppinion can be of use. i am a great beleiver in marrage and what it stands for. the most important thing in a marrage is trust do you trust your wife? i have a lot of respect for u thinking of your daugher she is the most important person in this situation u say u rairly argue however she will be able to scence the tention between you at her young age you and your wife are the most important people to her if u are upset u wont no it but she will be 2. u obviously want to make this marrage work rember no marrage is perfect focus on the good parts, be affectionate to her lots of cuddles n kisses 4 no particula reason this will make it easier to comunicate try not 2 raise your voice. if u arnt happy perhaps devorce is the answer but rember you cant go back on it you married your wife because she is the only woman u ever want has this changed? hopfully u can learn to apreashiate each other more an cuddle lots i hope this can be of some help to you good luck 2 u and your family above all continue being an excellent daddy xx
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