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*ngeldust17
writes: Hi, i'm a 20 years old and in need of some unbiased advice. My bf and i have been going out for 2 and half years, we're both in university. We only have small disagreements and i think that we still have a strong relationship. However the other day i went on his computer and curiosity getting the better of me i looked at a variety of his documents and the internet profiles etc he has and i discovered that on all his online profiles he is advertising himself as single and all his conversations with other women are ended often in a row of kisses from him to them. Is this just online flirting that is harmless or does it signal that he is bored in our relationship and looking for something better before he ends it? Please help!Thanks.
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female
reader, Angeldust17 +, writes (28 March 2006):
Angeldust17 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to everyone who replied. I have arranged a meeting with my bf away from any distractions so we can talk about it befoere i make any permanent decisions. Thanks x
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female
reader, bodylotion +, writes (28 March 2006):
 So what if you were looking.No matter how you found it you found it didn't you?To me it seems that he wants to be with one of the gorgeous fake girls on the internet who won't ever be reality.You should ditch this guy he's not worth your worrying.Let him get on with his internet girls and see how far he gets.Godd luck hun.
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female
reader, StarNews +, writes (28 March 2006):
 If he was being honest and faithful to you, there would be nothing to find. So it doesn't matter how you found it, the issue is that you found it.
You may be the snooper, but he is the devious liar. It seems his dream is to be single. If I were you, I would make it a reality.
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female
reader, Aunt Audrey  +, writes (28 March 2006):
 Confront him, ask him why he wants the world to think he's single, would he rather be? He will probably be annoyed you went through his computer, and you'll of course have to admit to that to confront him.
Tell him to change his profile if it bothers you. Sounds like he likes to flirt on-line, and this can sometimes lead to infidelity,not knowing the content of the chat it's hard to know what his motives are, I'm sure after reading them you have a better idea. Are you prepared to take the chance on someone who seems to be looking elsewhere, if that's the case surely it is only a matter of time before you get hurt.
After hearing his explaination, only you can decide whether he's being truthful and whether you want to be in the relationship anymore now you have these doubts, trust your instincts on this one.
I hope he can put your mind at rest.
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2006): I think you need to sit him down and ask him..what's up? Come clean and open the channels of communication about how this discovery bothers you. If anyone tells you that you are being insecure, I don’t think you are. There aren’t too many women who would be eager to have know their man is sharing flirty, moments online, with other women. I think you are having a normal reaction. Like the anon poster said, some guys flirt online, more as a ego massage or perhaps, they need to feel validated that they are desirable. But as Dazzerg said, you perhaps need to really view the content of his messages and draw your conclusions from that. Do I think flirting is harmless? No I don't. I do think it is very disrespectful and hurtful. I do wonder why it's a necessary thing to do, in a good, solid relationship. The implications are there. Take this as a 'red flag' that maybe you both need to put in more solid efforts to your relationship and work harder.
You cannot forbid him to flirt online (if he's doing that). You can only tell him what is in your heart. Your boyfriend will make his own choices. If he makes a choice you do not like, you will need to take a hard look at the differences you both have in the values you hold. The you will need to decide whether you can live with them.
I wish you the best, hun and good luck getting your relationship back on track.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2006): The problem here is he may well be innocently chatting to others but when he starts to chat to someone just that bit more interesting what will happen. The other person has begun to talk to him assuming he's available. the kisses will mean something to her because they're all she has to go on. What will these two people do about it?You could talk to him about this, to be honest you need to.He needs to know that you are a strong independant woman who has to look after herself, and that means being aware of possible painful situations.If he gives you a hard time for looking at his profile info tell him you are genuinely sorry you did.Having discovered what you have you'll keep checking on him anyway, if the relaionship is worth nurturing it needs to be honest. good luck
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reader, willywombat +, writes (28 March 2006):
 He appears to be advertising himself as available. I suggest you confront him about it. If I was in your shoes i would think he was looking for somebody else. Otherwise he would put himself down as being in a relationship.....
It isn't like you have only been together for a month is it? This is a long term thing you have got going on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2006): If he's flirting, then I am going to be straight up with you. Whether you agree with me or not is your choice but I have to say it. You have some good concerns, and you and him need to talk. People will always say flirting is harmless, online or otherwise. I disagree because I have laid witness to many solid good relationships and families that have been devastated, all because of a 'harmless' online flirtation that progressed. Understand that committed, attached man who flirts online or otherwise is showing a lack of control and poor judgment. For many people it is a pathetic ego massage. But in truth, flirting is not harmless..it is very painful. There are those people who 'feel' flirting online is harmless because it's anonymous. All in all, common sense dictates that it's a clear indicator, that the desire to stray is inside them. (otherwise they wouldn't be doing it) The psychological implications are right under your nose. The flirting I am talking about here is not about single, available people. I am talking about the people, like your bf, who are supposed to be a committed, trusting, loyal relationship with a love partner (you). Whether he 'choosing' to flirt or not to flirt, will say a lot about his focus in his commitment to you and his character. I think the both of you need to talk...bigtime. Set some boundries and let him know- this is unacceptable.
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reader, Dazzerg +, writes (28 March 2006):
 Well this one is tricky because it could go either way I think. On the profiles thing, depending on how long he has had them, it could just be bad housekeeping. I am notoriously bad at changing my various profiles. On the other hand it is possible there is something more. It is a bit like hanging a sign round your neck saying 'im avaliable'.
The kisses might not mean anything. I would send rows of kisses to female friends. It doesn't always imply something. What is the actual content of the messages? Are they flirty or chatty?
The key thing here is that I think you may have to talk o him about it; but that does involve the admission that you looked at his profile. Having said that it may well knaw away at you if you don't.
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