A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:my boyfriend still has a lot to learn, especially to be more gentle. Simply telling him "Be gentler" only works for a few minutes usually. I know he's the one, we've already talked about marriage, and we want to wait till after we're living together.We have gotten to that stage where we want to have sex, but I know I have to make sure he knows what he's doing, or else it'll hurt, or not be pleasurable for me.I need to "train" him to not be rough, and to pay a little more attention to my pleasure. He's good at not being selfish in the pleasure department, but I feel like he doesn't pay enough attention, or I have to ask him.So how do I go about training him? I feel mean for using the word "train", but it's the best word I can think of. I just want to teach him how to be an amazing lover, for when the time we have sex comes. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'd just talk to him about it, but I have no idea how I'd word any of that. I was a virgin in every definition before I met him, and he got me to explore that side with him, because I love him (He didn't pressure me or anything), so I'm so not used to any of this stuff, like talking about it or how to get him to be more gentle. I mean, I know he doesn't do it because he doesn't care, it's just... He's probably youthful and overzealous or something, or he just likes roughness and doesn't understand I dont....
A
female
reader, adamantine  +, writes (22 March 2012):
 Why don't you sit down and talk to him, outside of the bedroom? Communicate your needs. Being with someone is about compromising and trying new things, and listening to what they have to say, as well as respecting what they have to say. If he disregards you every time, he's not really the right person for you like you say.
Sex is a very important part to marriage. If you aren't syncing sexually, then it might be a problem, but you won't know until you get married (which is why I don't really agree with no sex before marriage).
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female
reader, fishdish +, writes (21 March 2012):
 ok new ideas-instead of porn, get video 'how to's-which would likely involve women but won't be the full show, it more as a learning tool. or grab a book on these topics.
http://healing.about.com/od/sexualhealing/a/tantricsex.htm
https://www.google.com/search?hl=en&tbm=shop&q=tantric+sex+video&oq=tantric+sex+video&aq=f&aqi=&aql=&gs_sm=3&gs_upl=1379l5157l0l5409l17l9l0l5l0l0l1155l3989l6-2.2l4l0#hl=en&safe=off&tbm=shop&sclient=psy-ab&q=karma+sutra+video&oq=karma+sutra+video&aq=f&aqi=&aql=&gs_sm=3&gs_upl=19916l21595l0l21730l12l11l0l0l0l5l288l1731l0.6.3l9l0&gs_l=serp.3...19916l21595l0l21730l12l11l0l0l0l5l288l1731l0j6j3l9l0.frgbld.&pbx=1&bav=on.2,or.r_gc.r_pw.r_qf.,cf.osb&fp=9a624107b86c7c23&biw=1525&bih=709
https://www.google.com/search?hl=en&tbm=shop&q=tantric+sex+video&oq=tantric+sex+video&aq=f&aqi=&aql=&gs_sm=3&gs_upl=1379l5157l0l5409l17l9l0l5l0l0l1155l3989l6-2.2l4l0
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDidn't see fishdish's answer.
Oh, I hate to think of him watching porn... (I admit, I dont want him looking at any other girl but me, even...no, especially, a pornstar)
I'm not a big fan of porn at all, so I'm not sure how well that'd work...
But I do admit, I want to be treated a little more sensually. I know he loves me, but it's like he doesn't know how to be sexually romantic. He's good at love romantic, though...
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI dont think it's his fingers. lol. I can tell he's just being rough.
And I really don't mind experimenting with him, because I do trust him, but I know for a fact roughness = pain, and I dont want that to be our first time....
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female
reader, fishdish +, writes (21 March 2012):
It sounds like he gets a lot of his techniques from porn? I would suggest finding a porno where you see the girl being treated sensually and gently and not just shoving fingers in there to see boobs shake. practice as the tape is going. Have a session where it's just experiment time and if anything, over-correct him when something doesn't turn you on or starts to get painful.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (21 March 2012):
 He might just have rough fingers! You might want to try having him use KY Lubricant on his fingers next time. Don't laugh, it'll be much better on you!
Some guys' hands are literally like sandpaper, especially if they're used to manual labor (farming, construction, architecture, landscaping, etc), so maybe it's not HIM that's being rough. Maybe it's just his hands that are rough and dry!
However, that does not account for the handcuffing dominant/submission thing he's into. Kudos for you in experimenting with him, because that takes a lot of trust! But try the KY! It covers a multitude of sandpap...er...sins!
Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAccidentally hit submit before I finished the response....
I don't really know how I like to be pleasured, We're just really throwing stuff at the wall and seeing if it sticks, but he tends to go back to rougher things. He's into handcuffs and that stuff about me being unable to move my hands and all that jazz, so I'm really hoping this roughness isn't a turn-on for him. :(
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm not afraid, I just don't want to get hurt.
He's a rough person in general, and when he's doing stuff like fingering me, he can get too rough, and essentially, painful. I tell him, and sometimes it works for a long time, sometimes a little.
And, well, I
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (20 March 2012):
Use teeth on his penis!
(just kidding, sort of!)
Don't be afraid of sex! I know you're worried that sex is going to hurt, and he's a bit rough with the other stuff. Is he hurting you now, or is he rough in a way that doesn't hurt now, but you're afraid he will be when you go all the way?
If he's hurting you now, tell them he's hurting you. If he keeps it up, stop the sex play, plain and simple. That's not *training*, simply being assertive to your needs. Does he not guide your hands to where he is pleasured?
You can do the same. Tell him how you like to be pleasured.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, we already do other stuff, which is how I know he is too rough. I want to be able to train him to understand that he has to be gentle with me, so he knows this when we have sex.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (20 March 2012):
 You can't teach him before hand. This is something you learn as you go along. If you are cuddling and making out you can teach him how you like him to cuddle and make out with you. But you can't teach him anything else until you get to the point where you are doing something else. Learning how the other person likes it is a matter of trying and failing.
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