A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend is married and we've been dating for quite sometime. His wife got to know about me and tried to get me to confess, which I avoided somehow. He says that he would divorce her as they don't have any sort of bonding (they don't have any children). The problem is that ever since his wife has discovered about our affair, he seems very depressed. He is also interacting less with me lately. The wife makes his life miserable the moment he enters home (as per him). I am unable to understand that is it the stress of the ongoing events that keeps him somewhat distant from me or is it that he wants to cut all ties with me?I feel very lonely and things just haunt me. I feel guilty too for everything and bad for the wife. Never really wanted this relationship to develop, but it got built up somehow. Help please.
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affair, depressed, divorce Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (11 February 2017):
 Not every cheater cheats again, but cheating once shows they *can* cheat and don't have an issue with it, unless they left their partner when they realised they were falling for someone else.
When you cheat, you *choose* to continue it and not leave immediately. You may fall into it unexpectedly, but you're not clueless when you're doing it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, everyone.
I will take your suggestions into consideration before taking any sort of decision.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2017): Not all men are serial cheaters.
I'd like to take this opportunity to tell everyone this.
There are different categories of cheaters.
The ones who re-offend are the narcissists and sociopaths as well as sex addicts. Chances are "very high" you would be cheated on repeatedly if your cheater was one of these men.
There ARE average, every day men who fall into affairs they never expected to fall into and they never do it again.
Once a cheater, always a cheater is a MYTH.
Everybody is different and every situation is different.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (10 February 2017):
We do understand the sensitivity of the situation, OP, but his wife deserves more sympathy than you do.
You *can* be without each other, but you have to cut contact with him and stick to it.
If you wait a year, it'll be another year wasted waiting for a selfish man who wants a wife and a mistress.
Say he does leave her, the chances are very high that he'd cheat on you too.
OP, please don't be naive. He doesn't want just one partner, he craves as much as he can get away with. You can't change him and you'll waste your life away, unless you leave him permanently.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2017): Well if that's the case that he has told his wife that he wants a divorce then he would no longer need to be living in the same house as her and he could immediately move in with you.
Or what excuse is there now?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2017): It is up to you what you decide to do.Just keep in mind that this could be a tactic on his part to keep stringing you along.He could be telling his wife it is over with you to make her happy. And telling you he is going to divorce her, giving himself ample time to keep you dangling, to keep you happy as well.I know you want to believe in true love, in the strength of his love for you and for each other and that love conquers all. But that is the stuff fairy tales are made of. And this is no fairy tale.I am not trying to be mean or judgmental. I know this situation just as well if not better than you do. I am the mistress of a married man going on FOUR years now.He has also told me to wait for him. That he would divorce his wife to be with me. That he LOVES me.I am still waiting.Four years later....You can continue fooling yourself and that is your choice.I suspect you are still in the fantasy fog phase. Yeah, I went through that too. But it wears off. For all of us. And when it does, you are staring at a cheater, liar and manipulator instead of your knight in shining armour. It is such a let down and you begin to hate yourself for putting yourself through this misery and turmoil for a man who was never yours and never will be. The sacrifices we other women make for our married men are never, ever returned. Nobody is going to convince you to give him up or vice versa. It is an addiction. Not love. And in the end, this relationship is going to self destruct. Just a matter of time. Lack of trust is going to eventually drive you apart.I think it is better to get out now than in 5-10 years time when you are a bitter, broken and emotionally devastated woman.Want some good advice? Tell him that once you see the divorce papers signed by a judge and it is FINAL, and he has moved out, to come back and look you up. In the meantime, wish him well, and LET HIM GO. Sometimes when we love someone, the ultimate sacrifice is letting them go.If he was ever in love with you, he will come and find you when he is a FREE MAN.That is the ONLY way you will ever know for sure.Because if you stay with him while he is going through this "divorce process" he is going to keep stinging you along indefinitely. Trust me.Men will say and do anything to keep the affair going. Remember that.Please think reasonably here, not with your heart. It is why you came, isn't it? For some solid advice? You now have it.Your head knows the right choice. Use it. Because following your heart means it is going to be badly broken.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe's asked for a month to file a divorce and a year to go through the legal procedures to be able to be in a position to get married to me. The point is do I give him that time? Because we both love each other, it's never only about physical intimacy, we have a strong mental connection.
I am not a selfish creature, initially we broke up because I thought it would be the best possible thing to do. But couldn't be without each other.
Do I wait for a year or just let it go? Please, don't be judgemental or mean, because I know that very few people actually understand the sensitivity of the situation.
Thanks.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2017): You're his mistress, not his "girlfriend," and you've been cheating, not "dating."
"I am unable to understand that is it the stress of the ongoing events that keeps him somewhat distant from me or is it that he wants to cut all ties with me?"
Neither. Right now he's walking on eggshells because he wants his wife to believe his lie that he's ended your affair, and he doesn't want to cut all ties with you because no cheating husband is going to walk away from a piece on the side who's willing to be strung along indefinitely while making herself available for an easy lay strictly on his terms, strictly for his pleasure and strictly at his convenience.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2017): Best to cut ties.Tell him it is his decision to make. His marriage or you. In all likelihood, he will choose the marriage. Not because he loves his wife necessarily but because he is invested in the marriage/life he has built with her and has too much to lose. This is nothing new. Also, men don't have the balls to leave. They are pussies when it comes to this. And that is why they like the best of both worlds. It's the coward's way out. The road the weak men follow. Allows them to have both fun and security at the same time. Without changing anything. Sadly, after years, most wives stop being fun and stop having sex with their husbands or as much as sex as in the early days. This causes a disconnect in the marriage. And men do not feel loved or needed anymore and seek out that validation in a new woman outside their relationship. Of course a new girl is going to see him as her hero at first and for a little while but all relationships in time will have baggage and issues. The shine does wear off eventually. Even in illicit relationships. Mainly for trust issues. And especially once the other woman expects and demands more of him and he continues to toss flimsy excuses in her face, stringing her along for as long as possible. And for as long as SHE LETS HIM. You will forever be wondering if he will cheat on you like he has been cheating on his wife. And even though your heart is invested, you constantly pull away and question your choices for fear of getting hurt. This man is not reliable, he is not trustworthy and he has no character. You know this and even though you love him, you struggle with the type of a man you have chosen to become involved with. If he was all those things - loyal, trustworthy, and had integrity - he would have worked it out with his wife before having an affair and patched things up or left. He started up with you as a way to escape his problems. Not solve them. So, you are always left wondering how would this man handle a bump in the road in your relationship? By escaping with another woman? By cheating? On YOU this time? This will eat away at you. He has already proven to you that he is capable of cheating. And how horrible it would be to always worry about not if but when he would do it to you. Some men like more than one fun toy on the side. Remember this too.Yes, he enjoyed being with you and had fun with you. And is sad because now he can't have that fun anymore and his wife is making him miserable. He is coming down from the HIGH of the ADDICTION. She has every right to make him miserable for what he did to her. He is also feeling the weight of his guilt and bad behaviour. He is probably sorry he got caught. I am not sure he is sorry he hurt his wife otherwise he would not have entered into an affair in the first place. But he is sorry he was found out. Puts the stop to the fun and the fantasy on the side. The fantasy that was getting him through his miserable life.So, once you move on and leave him in the dust, his relationship with his wife will never be the same. It will be miserable because she will never trust him again and have her eye on him like a hawk. Or she may get tired of it all and walk away. But that is for them to figure out.My guess is she will put up with him. A little time will go by. And he will be back to his old ways. This time with someone new. Men like this always find a new affair. They go from one to another because they are unhappy with themselves deep down and never confront the problems. They just continue self medicating... You are better off far away from this mess. To be with a married man is heartbreaking and it destroys your self esteem and self worth. They will never LOVE you no matter what they say. What they say are WORDS to keep the SEX coming from you. Never forget that.And after awhile, women get tired of becoming some married guy's secret sex doll and nothing more. Because we have feelings and expectations of a relationship. And these men will never be willing to give up their marriage for us. And we grow resentful and bitter. And eventually end up leaving anyway.Do not do that to yourself.Stop living in the destructive fantasy and see reality.It isn't pretty and the happy ending you would always hope for would never come. He would happily continue to pull the wool over your closed eyes.In fact, all you would do since starting this affair is be counting down the days until it ends. And worrying about that. Because since day one, the countdown has begun. So, please sweetie, love yourself more. Get out and stay out.You will find a better man.This man is pathetic. Not only to you but to his own wife and any other woman he uses, has used or will use.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2017): Well if he had no bond to his wife, he could have left her right away- as soon as he fell in love with you-........Yet this is NOT what happened! You have been together for QUITE SOME TIME, yet no divorce. Not even a separation. I think it is quite obvious he was enjoying having his cake (wife) and eating it too (you). Of course he was sleeping with both of you the whole time, why do you think he kept on living with her?Why is he depressed? Because he wanted to stay on living with his wife! Of course! If he was happy to leave her, he would be somewhat relieved this had all come out, now he could dissolve his marriage and move in with you...but that is not what happened. It is not a bad thing that you feel guilty! You SHOULD feel guilty! That is what makes you human. However I think you are in fact quite self-absorbed, that is how you deluded yourself into believing that he was smitten with you, when in fact he was in love (if you can call it that) with both you AND his wife. But because of your self-obsession you didn't see this, and thought you were the only apple of his eye. I am not trying to be judgemental, I know you are young and perhaps you will become less self-absorbed as you go on living your life and experiencing...you will come to understand that your feelings are not the only one's, and you cannot just take what is not yours without feeling the ramifications...I hope you see the light and grow from these mistakes.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2017): Of course he's depressed. He was caught cheating and now he can't have his cake and eat it too. If his wife makes him so miserable and he has no bond with her, then ask yourself why he doesn't get that divorce he talked about. I think you know the answer to that -- he doesn't really want one.
I know it will be hard because you've obviously developed feelings for this guy, but you need to cut him out of your life. You're young. Don't waste any more time on this guy. Get out there and meet men who are available.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (7 February 2017):
If you feel guilty, stop. He's not your boyfriend. He's his wife's husband. You are his mistress and need to stop.
You're not loved by him or he'd leave. A person in an affair does not deserve to be happy until they are no longer betraying anyone. You and he need to stop being selfish and cut contact with each other.
Find someone *available*!
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia  +, writes (7 February 2017):
 "The problem is that ever since his wife has discovered about our affair, he seems very depressed."
No. The problem is that YOU'RE INVOLVED WITH A MARRIED MAN.
He should be depressed. He should feel awful. He should be distancing from you. BECAUSE HE'S MARRIED. You are better than this. Let the guilt and the shame be your guiding force here, because you should feel bad for the wife. The best way you can make it up to her even slightly is to STOP SEEING HER HUSBAND. She's been making his life miserable the moment he gets home? First off, never trust a guy who has already proven to you that he's a cheater and a liar. Secondly, he's probably being made miserable because she is devastated and just wants some sort of explanation or effort on his part. She's in pain. My guess is that she's not doing much more than just feeling hurt, which brings us to our next - thirdly, he is unbelievably guilty. Just seeing her makes him miserable, because he knows what he's done to her and the shame is eating him up.
I'm sorry that I'm being a bit brutal here, I realize that these things develop and that you have feelings for this guy. But sweetness, come on. This relationship is not okay.
STOP with the guy. OWN your part in this. Look at your life, you're young, and you can move forward. Waste no more time in this mess.
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