A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi - from the outset of my long (18 year) relationship with my husband (i have been married for 13) I have been relentlessly put down and bullied by my parents in law. This has ranged from making derogatory comments about my hair and my weight ( I am slim) accusing me of being anorexic to saying that I am cold and emtionless. I have been snubbed in public and when photos have been taken and then shown around I have been humiliated by comments about me. They have also downed by family and I feel I cannot speak in their presence and can't be myself. My husband turned a blind eye and deaf ear to it for years and never stood up for me. This left me resentful towards him and we have argued so many times about him not supporting me. I have tried to explain how I feel to them directly but they rubbished what I said. Now I do not see them and neither they nor any other of his relatives send a birthday card to me but this leaves a huge gap in my life. Other people seem to be liked by their family in law. I have done nothing wrong and my friends cannot understand their actions. Its left me with low self esteem as I never feel good enough - as a person. I would like to know whether men naturally take their parents viewpoint or should support their wife? I think the latter of course but I seem to just accept this situation now but hate it. It has made me wary of ( I have avoided) having children with a man who cannot support his own wife. Please help as I am close to walking away from my marriage with such little support.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2015): I am in a similar situation with all of you. I have been in a relationship, not married, three years. and my boyfriend's family hates me becasue I want to spend alone time with him. He works 21 days to have weekend off. His family feels that he should spend this time with them. When we do have time alone they are calling or sending text messages over stupid things. Let me say I am not young, I am an older person, 50's, and have never been treated like this. When I am around his family they treat me like I am a second class citizen or ignore me. I thought by keeping distance and only speak when spoken to I would avoid drama, but now I am being told that I am rude, ignorant, and ignoring them. I can't win. He tells me to ignore and things will improve. They haven't. But, when his sister calls him to complain about me he agress with her 100%, me, nothing. I thought things would improve but they aren't. At my age it is hard to meet men and start over. Thanks for letting me vent
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2014): WOW! So much of that could have been written by me, except I am a guy whose wife will not stand up to her mother or father for me. My in-laws are long divorced; father-in-law is 92 and wants to continue living on his own, in spite of the fact he is increasingly frail, forgetful to the point of being dangerous, and is now incontinent. My wife does not want to put him in a home for financial reasons, even though he could afford it. In addition, she & her mother EXPECT me to help take care of this selfish old man. This includes, but is not limited to: shoveling snow from his walks, bathing him, getting his groceries, cleaning his house (which is frequently an all-star effort, as he has been a slob even before he was elderly), mowing his lawn, picking up fruit from his 3 fruit trees, etc, etc. When I refused to help the old brute my wife flew into a rage, gave me the silent treatment, and was generally nasty to me for the rest of the day. She did say she doesn't like being mad at me but still seemed to blame me for causing a rift. The fact that I have been hurt looking after this man and unable to work for 2 months because of him did not seem to impress her; it simply led to MORE demands from her and her parents. Mother in law is 89, and we live with her at my wife's insistence. She has become too much for me to deal with as she is frequently rude to our 11-year-old (she believes elders cannot be reprimanded for rudeness as they are entitled to be that way with age), does not respect other people's property, and does not want my wife and I going on vacations during the summer (she believes we should be happy to stay and work in the garden). I have no personal space; every square inch is occupied by Grammy's hoarding. Even my wife has taken this up by storing toys & other stuff at my condo, to the point it fills up a back bedroom! My wife acknowledges her mother's misbehavior but says 'That's just the way she is, and you just have to put up with it'. My wife often teams up with her mother and dictates what we are doing on my weekends off; I am never consulted or asked what I want or need to do. MIL views things such as sports or hobbies as wasteful; she thinks 'there is always something to do around the house'. My wife will not have date nights out with me; she believes our time is best spent shopping (which she loves but I hate) and looking after her father (which can take up to 4 hours a day, 2-3 days a week). Her 2 brothers do not help; 1 lives too far away and the other will have nothing to do with 'Papa' (the old man was an abusive a#$hat during their childhood). My wife and MIL expect me to take up the role that the local brother (who is the 'most favored child') has refused to step into. MIL constantly makes excuses for her son & how busy he is, while ignoring that I also work full time, as does my wife. My wife will not go out with me as she believes it is 'dude's to exclude her mother. Obviously, her elderly parents come before her marriage. I am considering divorce but want to know that I did everything possible to try to salvage this marriage. It sounds to me like this is a similar situation, and I have to agree with a lot of other posters here: RUN from this man!
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A
female
reader, The daughter inlaw  +, writes (7 October 2014):
Well, I've been married 34 yrs now. Nothings changed with my mother in-laws or the rest of the family and my husband "never" stood up 4 me. My mother in-law talked anyway she wanted 2 me and I better not say anything back. My husband would say it's my mother & she can say& do what she wants, u do not say anything back 2 my mother. And the rest of the family goes along with what ever the mother does&says because they get money from her and if they don't agree with her, no money. nite b-4 wedding came over 2 say I don't want u 2 marry my son. 1 wk after we had our daughter, the mother had husbands last girlfriend call 2 see if they could get back 2gether.(they haven't been 2gether for over 2 yrs) Mother in-law admitted 2 it. All the way up til about 12 yrs ago, she had someone call 2 tell me my husband was running around on me, thinking that would break us up. I know she did it, I hired a P.I. and I would had never thought of her doing this but the P.I. said yes. Now, everything is my husband's, I should have nothing and not included in anything nor our kids. I've never done anything 2 this woman but married her son. I was always nice 2 the family no matter what they did until married about 10 yrs & I thought it's not me & it will never change, I'm tired of how mean they r 2 me. By the way after the phone call saying my husband been running around & we didn't break up; Mother in-law's other son broke up with his wife and now he's a 53 yrs old living in his mother's basement for the last 10 yrs and don't work, mother said he can't work his back hurts.Mother loves 2 b controlling. But what she has done over the yrs, husband has woke up 2 her & doesn't have much 2 do with her but, that's my fault too, because I married her son. I could not even tell everything that woman has done 2 me and her grandkids too.(husband too)
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A
female
reader, Teresal +, writes (12 July 2013):
You have put up with it to long. You deserve respect.IVE been married only 6 weeks. Already going thru ?the same thing. He says he will talk to them. If not I will put myself first and be out of here.Have you thought about a unexpected vacation from them all?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2013): I'm sorry all of you are dealing with this issue. My husband doesn't see any problems either. He did stand up to his sister and defend me, which was incredible, but afterwards he freaked out from all the family drama and we separated. We're back together now and have been seeing a marriage counselor, but I'm still a nervous wreck when I think I'll have to be around his family. It's gotten so bad that I resent him for putting me in the position to have to see them... I go because his ex girlfriend is very involved with all of them, still single, and at every family get together...they know he and I are uncomfortable when she's there but she's always there anyway. I dread the weekends because we may be invited and God forbid we don't go... They are my husband's only friends and he adores them.
The mc thinks I should be with him always so they see we are together... But I really, really, really don't want to be around them. It makes me physically ill just thinking about it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2013): I have finally found the answer... And it sucks! I'm going to be sweet as pie to the men in the family and simply courteous to the snarky, evil females... That way when they complain about me to their husbands, my male in laws will only defend me. This is what they do to me, so I'm going to play the game. I'm also going to be super sweet to the ex girlfriend the in laws have to have at every event. Then, I'm going to stop speaking ill of my in laws to my husband. If I have nothing bad to complain to him about then he can't disbelieve me! I'm also working up a list if fake illnesses to use as excuses to not see the evil ones. This sucks because its not in my character or belief system to manipulate, lie and be fake. But, it seems to be the only way ill be able to stay married. It makes my stomach turn just THINKING about the next time I have to see these awful people. Thanks for letting me vent!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2013): I completely empathize with you. It is so hard to not have your feelings valued, and understood as if it is your deluded perception in some way. I don't think you should walk away, although most people are quick to suggest, but I think marriage counseling would assist in finding a middle ground, if he is willing, it may give you a chance to feel heard. To me it should not matter how he perceives it but merely that it bothers you and it causes conflict. Your feelings count
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2013): Im in the same boat with my MIL and SIL. I came into my husband's life when I had a 2-month-old son (his father left me when I was pregnant). From that point, I was never good enough. MY SIL constantly ignored me - at family functions would go down the line and say hello, hug, and kiss everyone. When she got to me, she would walk around me and move on to the next person without so much as a hello. When my husband and I announced our engagement my SIL called him and told him he was making a mistake, I was trapping him, and get this, she told him he would not get back as much in taxes each year - I still shake my head over that lame attempt at trying to change his mind. At family functions my SIL would bring up my son's biological father and ask about him knowing that I have not spoken to him since my son was born. When my husband and I had children together my SIL would buy extravagant gifts for them and 1 little gift for my son. As my son got older he started to notice. That's just my SIL. My MIL is equally as bad. She has never accepted me into the family. My husband's father did, however, and invited me over to dinner one night so he could get to know me (my MIL and FIL are divorced). On Christmas my MIL would give numerous gifts to my husband and 1 small gift to me. I know Christmas is not about receiving at all and I really could care less if she got me a gift, but each year it was the same gift - a small bottle of perfume, and each time she would tell me how she got it for free at the cosmetics counter because she spent so much money on make-up. When we got engaged, my MIL never said congratulations. She just looked at my ring and said "how nice." When we got married, my MIL wore black and my SIL wore a red dress. When my husband and I had our first child my MIL refused to hold him. The list goes on. My husband and I recently moved north, which was something he and I always talked about doing since before getting married. We talked about it quite seriously one night and decided to do it, but I said I couldn't unless my parents moved too. My parents couldn't wait and they ended up moving before we did. After we moved, my SIL pointed the finger at me as the reason my husband moved north. She said the only reason my husband moved up north was because I made him, that I took him away from his family because I didn't want to be without my parents. We have only been up here for 5 years and in that time my MIL only visited once and that was to drop off my husband's grandmother so she and her husband could go to New York. My FIL has been up here numerous times, attending our children's graduations, came up for my husband's surprise birthday party (which I invited my MIL to but she refused), and various other visits.Recently when visiting my MIL over the summer, she told me she likes that I come down to visit but it would be nice if my husband came without me once so she could have him to herself. I didn't know what to say. I'm sure she would not like it one bit if my husband said the same thing to her about her husband.Recently she found out she had cancer. To save money versus flying down, we (my husband, mylsef, and our children) drove down to visit her after the surgery. We surprised her. She made a remark about how we shouldn't have driven down and now have to spend money on a hotel room and then followed that up with a comment that she thought at least my husband would have flown down by himself and totally disregarded my children who were excited to come visit her. Two of my children and myself were sick with colds when we visited and the next day when we walked into her room, everyone was in the room and I walked in last. She looked right at me and abruptly said “anyone who is coughing is not allowed in here. The doctor was here this morning and said if anyone is coughing they have to stay outside the door.” So apparently it was okay for anyone who had a cold and was sneezing to be in the same room with her (since my children were sneezing the night before), but it was an amazing coincidence that I was the only one who coughed in the room the night before. So I took my 2 children outside the door with me since they had been coughing on and off. Later on, however, they walked into the room and she never said a word about them being in the room with her, all while I sat outside in the hallway by myself. She only asked about me once saying "I hope she is okay out there." I can understand that she didn't want to be near anyone who was sick since she just had surgery, but I was not good enough to just stand at the door and talk to her from there. She never acknowledged me. It turned out that her story about the doctor seeing her before we came that morning and telling her anyone coughing cannot come in the room was a lie, because while we were there, the on-call doctor came and introduced himself. He was doing rounds since her doctor was off that weekend!When we left, she only said Bye and half waved at me and never said a word to me about being sorry that I had to be in the hallway by myself for the last 3 hours. She just kept waving at my husband and blowing kisses to him.That was the last straw for me. When we drive back down to visit again, she will have my husband all to herself because I am tired of trying to be nice to her all while she makes passive aggressive comments pretending to be this innocent and perfect mother in law, all while my husband is either ignoring her or is just stupid to realize what she is doing.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2013): A long long time has passed re this post but I too would like to vent. My husband will never ever stand up for me and always sides with his sister against me. If I say that the sky is blue she will say that it is purple and he will say what a lovely purple it is! I have been stuck with these cretins for 4 years with my wimp of a husband letting me be walked over time and again. At family gatherings I would be ignored and only spoken to if my husband was in the room so that when I complained he would say he didn't know what I was talking about. They can ignore me, tease me and be rude to me and my husband although standing right next to me will say he never heard a thing. I have tried discussing this with him calmly when it has just been the two of us and there is a good mood generally but he will have none of it. He says I don't understand family life and that I am selfish and spoilt. Well for the last three months I have decided to stand up for myself. I no longer attend any family events and will not allow the sister access to my home. Apparently she popped over at Christmas when I was at work and that for me was the final straw. He let her in my home and entertained her behind my back knowing how I feel. I have commenced divorce proceedings and I urge you to do the same. A man who does not stand up for his wife especially with regard to family members is not worth having. Men appear to be unable to make a decision on whom to side with so sit and do nothing or choose the family member as they don't want to upset them. This situation will only get worse and you will notice that after a while they totally side with their origional family. I fully understand in my case that the sister will feel she has won and that 'awful woman - me' has gone but it gets to the stage where you really couldn't care less/ My husband had endless failed relationships before me and I can see why. Constant interfering. back biting and snide comments would finish a saint off. Just knowing I will never have anything to do with them and their horrible little world is like a release from purgatory. Do not let this happen to you and get out while you are young!
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A
female
reader, Dissterbed +, writes (16 December 2012):
You need to stand up for yourself, and listen to your intuition. My soon to be ex father in law is the most morally corrupt person I have ever met in my life. No matter what he does to people, he refuses to take any responsibility forthe damage that he causes. I refused to have anything to do with him, and my husband couldn't accept my decision to keep such a toxic person out of my life. Now I am divorcing my husband, and the two have actually joined forces against me. I am the one woman who has had the courage to call them both out on their bs, and it is driving them insane. I am so excited to put both of these losers behind me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2012): No.....Divorce is not an ANSWER to it.....Running away is not a solution to any situation or rather to this situation....You have to think not only about your Life but even about your Kids....Fight for yourself,your kids, your rights, stand for yourself, talk to your husband, make him understand that "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.....He has to act sensibly, or Else you will go to Women's Cell...." Cut your relation with your In-Laws and tell them clearly either they have to respect you or, else You will not see their face ever....Make it clear to them and your husband as well....Pray to God....Things will change....Give Bold Answers to your In-laws, do not behave like a submissive person behave like an Assertive person.....and Yes, if need arises be AGGRESSIVE......Give your In-laws back what they have given you all these years.....as it is a Law of Universe that, "Whatever we give, it comes back to us"....Give your In-laws back nicely without any shame as they have never been ashamed of their behaviour and attitude towards you....All The Best and Do Not Think of Leaving your Husband.....or your House....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2012): You will be better off without this man,leave him now don't waste your good life.Your husband should stand by you. I wasted my 33yrs with a man who abused me physically, emotionally,mentally, financially....... I was stupid and I am stupid, he never stood by me never supported me. He listen to his family Brothers, sisters and all.He defend them all the time but me. My friends are leaving me now because they blame me for staying with him let him abuse me..His sister is widow now who run my family life she is not living with me but he is always with her,
His sister lie....and she s right,
I lie.....I am wrong,
She tells the truth..she is right
I tell the truth....I am wrong
No matter what She is always right and I am always wrong. I am in my 60s and planning to file for divorce. It is very hard. If you are young then leave him and find some one who will love you and support you in your bad and good. Take Care. my heart goes out to all the women who are in this kind of situation, because I still sit home and cry and I am all alone. I know it hurts.....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2012): My in-laws are racist and they appear to hate me. They come out with racist comments and say "we mean nothing by it you're too sensitive". my huband takes that side all the time. I've just told him i cant do this anymore. our marrige is over. :-((((
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female
reader, willprevail +, writes (4 August 2012):
I wish I could run, and sometimes I think I will. My MIL comes over any time or day to my house when I am not here, rearranges things, goes in my refrigerator and throws things out. Takes things out of my house. If I say anything I am told I should be grateful. My husband things I am overreacting because she hides some of my dishes behind pots and pans, she simply did not know where the plates go? really? that is why she hid them? She is constantly trying to make me look crazy. My husband believes I am. My MIL said I threatened to knife my son in the middle of the night. She also said I knifed her table. All of this she told my husband, and he actually believed her! She allowed her husband, who threatened suicide to stay out of the hospital, and then guess what, he killed himself because she thought the IRS was flying over her house. She tells me it is a wives job to work full time,raise the kids make dinner and do the dishes, when the only way she earned a living was to get married and go to the health club. Honestly I am getting to the point I want to leave them all, just cut my losses and leave. leave my kids, all of it because I can't take the insanity anymore.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2012): The first thing I would recommend is a counselor or therapist. You need to find out where the rage is actually coming from. Although it may seem as though it's coming from your inlaws, or your own husband, you might have internal rage stemming from other things within you that you must deal with before you can begin to deal with your current situation. Then I would see a marriage counselor. Lastly, I would deal with your inlaws. I know where you are coming from as I too have issues with my inlaws. It's diminished me greatly and although I've kept my determination to succeed up, I am suffering greatly within. I have too much invested to let it all go, but, I can't continue to be the catalyst to change in this family. Best of luck and stay strong for yourself. Your needs must come first.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2012): You are married to your husband not your in laws. Although you are hurt they are separate issues. If you love your husband stay with him. If you are uncomfortable with your in laws don't see them.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2012): hello to everyone. I have some advice to give everyone who has written on here and anyone who reads it and is still unsure. Please Please Please take action and don't wait another day. My reason for saying this? I spent years trying to 'fight back' against his family, waiting and hoping for my so called husband to back me up instead it was all part of his abusive and controlling behaviour - he would share private information with his family, joined in with their comments and considered 'it was all in my mind' when I said it was hurtful and unjust. Firstly I urge you to think about whether this is part of 'psychological abuse' look it up as many controlling men are also mummas boys and also the hurtful comments are behind closed doors etc. Secondly if you wait and hope he will change one day it will drag you down so far that you are stuck - mentally, physically and possibly financially. You might do something that will make him turn on you and, as in my case, divorce you because his family have finally won in their campaign to get rid of you. My husband has made up a pack of lies in his petition which simply puts me in a worse light and backs up what his family think, though it is all wrong. Obviously this has made me so angry as I have years of crap that I could have thrown about him and never did - so don't have some false loyalty ladies. Does the court care? No. Do I have the money to fight it? no. If you feel you are being treated unfairly then please do something about it while you have the upper hand. These kinds of husbands / partners / boyfriends do not change and you are fighting something you will never win. Why should you spend your life having to justify who you are?! Find someone and a family with it, that love you for who you are. That is what I am going to do. Believe in yourselves.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2012): This all sounds familiar!
I am 31 years old and have been married to my husband for 7 years. Our first child was born this past year. It was two years ago that I noticed an issue, that mommy, daddy and his sisters came first in his world. But it wasn’t unit we had our son that the issue really blew up.
He says things to me like my mother never did things like this or that when we were babies. All the time being told by him that I wasn’t doing it the “right way”, this of course was always after talking to his mother. He talks to his mother anytime we have an issue, telling her personal things. His mother and the one sister are very controlling and passive aggressive towards me.
My sister-in-law made remark after remark while I was pregnant insinuating that I was gaining too much weight and that I was huge! I asked my husband repeatedly please can you say something to her (in nice way) when she makes these comments. But he never did.
The finally straw for me was when 3 weeks after giving birth to our son she came for a visit, the first thing out of her mouth was “ So I see you still have a jelly belly” with a great big grin on her face! I was speechless. I let it go as at the time she was having some personal issues and also I really didn’t know what to say!
Then came the e-mail 4 weeks later she had sent me a mommy article and then also said “hopefully that your belly and body were getting back to normal. “ So I e-mailed her back, I was not going to wait around for my husband to stand up for me, like he ever would! So I wrote her an assertive yet kind e-mail asking her not mention my belly again. She didn’t get it. She wrote back that “she is sorry that I feel this way but this is terminology personal trainer’s use”, as she is a personal trainer. (The thing is too I was never overweight I have a healthy BMI).
That’s when my husband stood up for his sister. He talked to his parents about the issue and told them the reason I was so upset was that I had post-partum depression, which is not true! He also told them he had to appear to be on my side. This all in an e-mail he sent them. After that we got into many arguments. Certain things stick out that he said “I don’t want to have to pick my family over you but…”
The thing is at the time of these arguments I didn’t realize he had already picked them over me, time and time again.
The confusing part for me always when he would tell me he loves me. All I know now is when you love someone you don’t treat them that way.
I believe people can change but people have to want to change. I believe my husband does not want to change. He loves and enjoys the little boy relationship he has with his parents and being big brother to his sisters.
I am hoping for my son that he will grow up to be a strong, independent, caring man. Keeping in mind that I will be a mother-in-law too someday and not to make the same mistake others have.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2012): I'm the one who posted on June 4, 2012 below. I forgot to add that I am leaving my husband, going back to my old home across country. Just getting my ducks in a row at the moment. I'm so happy to be getting out. Good luck to all with the mama's boys.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2012): I realize the original post is now 5 years old but had to share my experience anyhow.
I am 53 years old and ahve been married to a 62 year old man for the past 10 years. My second marriage, his third. I have kids, he never had kids from the previous marriage. I met him online and moved 2200 miles to marry him. I thought he was the greatest thing since sliced bread but lets put it this way - if I knew then what I know now....
His mother is 82 years and what a horror story she is - controlling, manipulative, favours his other brother and the brother's family. My husband is the biggest mama's boy you could ever picture. He just seems to run to her to get her approval on everything but the funny thing is is that he admits she is controlling and manipulating.
She never liked his two last wives, why would I be different? She doesn't like his brother's wife of 32 years but that wife plays it cool because she knows she will gain big in the end. Just waiting for that old woman to drop off. Mama never liked me because she couldn't control me.
The latest nonsense is this woman telling my husband she's cutting him out of her will because she's afraid I will take her money and run and also says at 62 he's old and doesn't need it. HIs other brother at 61 years old died in February and she has the control over his assets. This woman is money obsessed. Rather than a three way split which she initially said was going to happen - her, my husband and his brother, this has now turned into $10,000 for husband and his brother plus her two spoiled adult granddaughters. This was after she realized just how much there really was. She's keeping the rest. She told my husband she wasn't trying to be mean and vindictive....lol.
Then you have my husband - tells her all of our business,then tells her things about me that would tick her off yet at the same time says he loves me and doesn't want to lose me. Too late buddy, after 10 years of this crap I'm gone. Life is too short for this crap. He can have his mama and be happy. When she's gone, he will have no one because the only time the rest of the family bothers with him is at Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas and birthdays yet they all live close to one another.
Run is all I can say. You figure out your husband is a mama's boy you run as fast as you can.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2012): How irritating... I get the whole "why dont you want to get involved with my family" because they are f***ed up!!!!I have been compared to another wife constantly, about how I should be more like her (her husband has told her that his parents come first, and she comes 2nd.. WTF????)I have had this wife ignore me for over 2 years, and get away with it - her husband doesnt do anything, and my partner didnt say anything UNTIL...At a family get together, his dad thought itd be a good idea to pin me in the corner and bring this up.. in front of everything. I walked out, but did my partner support me or do anything, no - just yelled at me.This wife found herself pregnant. Was that to try and tame her loser husband who still goes out partying with lots of girls, and probably cheats on her (but shes dumb enough to let him).They decide its a great idea even though they know the history between me and the wife, why not make my partner the god parent.. GREAT.So I get told off, and treated less because I dont want anything to do with it. Never got an apology or nothing about how I have been treated. Now she's pregnant again, and my partner wants me to be happy, and go to their stuff - NO WAY!.. I said NO. And of course I'm the bad guy..
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2012): My in laws have been difficult at times too. Over the years, the pattern seems to be that they try to stir up trouble, and then wait for me to get irritated so they can turn the tables, point their fingers, and show how bad I am. The entire family is very passive aggressive and pull stunts like ignoring me, giving me the silent treatment, making snide comments, being cool and distant, and acting as if they never care to see us. They also do silly things like give my hubby and his brother expensive birthday gifts for $1000, and then give me and our kids something small for around $50. They will try to upset us by sabotaging holidays by inviting us over, and then offering no food or drink which is blantantly rude. My FIL often will completely ignore me, and just talk to my husband. They act offended that they never see us, but never stop by to say hi or invite us over to their house. We used to invite them over all the time for dinner, and half the time they would cancel or come, eat quickly, and leave. These are all little games they play hoping to sabotage me into getting angry so they can have a solid excuse to hate me.
I've bent over backwards to be the nice sweet daughter in law over the
years who just goes along on THEIR terms. I've always let the passive
aggressive crap go to keep the peace, and put up with their weirdness.
Well, no more. I am actually the normal one who married into a family of weirdos. They are amongst them chain smoking, food addicted, alcoholic lazy poor saps who have a long history of not being able to get along with people. The FIL has a long history of being rude and nasty to women, children, and people in the service industry. The old codger is also racist and sexist. These fools are toxic, and I'm glad to be rid of them as I am cutting off most contact. After years of my DH being blind to their bad behavior, he finally sees their antics and told them all to stop their crap with his wife. He supports me in staying away from them as he now admits that they are toxic, and try to sabotage other's happiness because they are so unhappy. I guess the idiot clan dislikes me because they want sonny boy all to themselves.
I'm the normal one. I keep my house clean, workout and stay fit, take good care of my children, get along with everyone at work, make a good salary, and am a good supportive wife to their son. Hmmmm....me versus a group of obese, chain smoking, junk food gobbling, alcoholic, lazy, angry, racist personality disorded boobs.....My FIL owned a nice upscale jewelry store and made good money, yet they live like trailer trash. Any room in their house that is not cleaned by the maid is dusty, cluttered like a hoarder, and filthy.
Many in laws are trouble makers. Stay away is what I say!! Once a man is married, his loyalty is to his wife not mommy and daddy. I bent over backwards for years but mommy and daddy didn't play nice so now it's their loss. My DH sees them for who they really are now, and even if he is cut out of the will, so be it! I would rather be married to a real MAN than some poor sap who has to cater to mommy and daddy because they have the money. He feels the same way, and will no longer cater to their nasty behavior as they've gotten away with this for many many years.
Get away from toxic people as they will infect you with their misery! They enjoy stirring up trouble so they have reasons to dislike you when you get upset. They play nasty power games and are incapable of genuine relationships based on kindness, compassion, and respect. If you let them, they will undermine your sense of who you are as a decent human and cause you to question yourself. You feel as though maybe you do deserve the abuse sometimes and drive yourself crazy going back over the past if you might have somehow offended them. Crazymaking! Forget it. With toxic people, you are damned if you do and damned if you do and damned if you don't.
Run from them!!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2012): I have been married 28 years and lives my first ten with my mother in law.I washed cleaned cooked.She has a daughter three hours away and always talked about her.I then bought my own home because I could not take it anymore.My husband never opened his mouth to help.She never baby sat my kids or cared when I was sick.When her daughter was sick she became nuts.I took her food shopping did all her bills took her to doctors and her daughter never came to visit.Her daughter had money and sent Mom money always.I was there when she fell was her nurse her maid.No matter what I did she and her daughter talked.She would ask when my husband and I would talk about our plans and would always say why are u going there or here.I told her once when I had a fit to stop meddling in my life and I am now 48 not 19.My husband sees but would never speak up.I had a mini stroke because of her and my stress and told her she needs to live with her daughter because I cannot and will not be treated like an idiot.I am human with feelings and she only things her daughter does.I have fought with my husband for years in front of my kids.My kids hate her because they see the life I live.I have told her and my husband I have no problem divorcing him if it will save my soul.I decided I will not talk to her or pick up the calls.I will not die for her or him.I feel like they do and Again I am a human who lost my youth because of a greedy needy insensitive woman who only cares about herself and her daughter.Where is the daughter.I worked s full time job and had three kids I had my parents who need my help and her.I have never seen a woman like this.I have heard about mother in laws but never thought I will be a target.Get out of it to live what years u have left in peace.these men never became men because when u marry the two of u become one.Not three with your mom in law.They lived their lives do leave us alone.Ask any doctor as I did and they said Stay Away from her or sit there and take it.You only have two choices.I have been in he'll and back all my life and now it's my time.Ignor her ley her be.Let him go visit not you.They need to learn we r not playing games and they do not own us.We have parents too who see us in pain because of them.What if it was her daughter?Life is hard as it is.live and god will take care of them when it's time.I feel for all those woman who stood there like me.Revamping show them who is in charge fr the start and not allow them to control our lives.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2012): I came across this website and cannot believe just how common in-law problems are. I felt a sense of being understood after reading some of the postings. My issues are with the sister and Mother. My boyfriend and I met when we were almost 30. My boyfriend had never had a girlfriend ( this should have been the first clue) We knew each other for over a year and after six months of dating seriously we bought a home together. When we moved in together my boyfriend's Mom would call him and text him up to 50 times a day. If she couldn't get a hold of him on his phone she would immediately call my phone. His Mom would demand for him to drop everything on weekends to run over to her house. Every day it was something. His Mom is single in her early 50's but perfectly capable. I respected my boyfriend helping his Mother out but it became too much when it was every day. The weekends would come and he would go over to her home to take out her trash, change a light bulb, fix her computer and tell me he would come home in an hour but then wouldn't come home until the whole day was almost over. When we would go over to his Mother's home for dinner she would say hello to him and not one word to me. I would try to make conversation with her and brought her flowers and was always respectful towards her. 3.5 years later she knows nothing about me.His Mother would call me names like idiot and make constant jabs at me. During the course of our relationship my boyfriend had a lot of medical problems and she said I was the cause because I didn't arrange our furniture properly.The whole situation would make me break in to tears and still does. I lost my Mom and Grandparents and I am an only child. My Father was physically abusive and is not in my life. It makes me sad that I don't have any family and his family treats me the way they do. He also can't have children so even the idea of having my own family is out. I think even if he could have children I would be scared to have them with his Mother being as mean as she is. The Mother says she doesn't like me because I stole him away and that I don't drink. My boyfriend's Mom and sister are very heavy drinkers. My boyfriends Mom wanted all holidays on her turf which for the most part was fine since I don't have any family. However, a year ago my Grandfather was still alive and had just had a stroke. I wanted to spend one holiday with my Grandparents after we spent a full year of holidays and events with his Mom. His Mom was angry that we spent one holiday with my Grandparents and she told my boyfriend he is a big disappointment for not going. My boyfriend left me alone one holiday while he went and stayed in a cabin for several days with his Mom and sister. Holidays are a really difficult time for me since I don't have family.Then after two years of being together his Mom invited my Grandparents over to her home and then didn't speak one word to them and sat my boyfriend and I apart during dinner. I finally told my boyfriend his Mom will always be his Mom and he can see her but I don't want to be around her because I don't feel welcome.His Mom then had a party and begged people at the party to take a photo of my boyfriend talking to a female to tag it on my Facebook to cause problems. The photo was an innocent photo and her just trying to stir things up. My boyfriend and I talked about marriage but I said we needed to go to couples counseling. We started going to counseling and then my boyfriend's Mom told him she wanted to do couples counseling with him. I was so disgusted by it we stopped going.My boyfriend's Mother then had a friend of hers come to our house in the middle of the night with his sister and try to kick me out of our home that we lived in for years. She told me to pack my stuff and get out and then told my boyfriend that he needed to choose between his family or me and if he chooses me he can say goodbye to his family. My boyfriend's Mother was then calling her ex husband to send my boyfriend to Hawaii for two weeks and leave me by myself. His Father takes no part in any of the craziness.My boyfriends Mother then gave my phone number out to her friend so they could leave threatening voice mails for me to move out. His Mom acts more like a catty teenager than an adult parent.My way of dealing with all of this insanity is to not deal with it anymore. When they mail Christmas cards they are addressed to his name only. They never call me or speak to me and I do not go around them.My boyfriend and I have been together for 3.5 years and I am scared to move forward in to a marriage given this situation. It makes me sad that he goes to family functions by himself. His family now acts like I just need to get over everything and act puzzled why I am not around yet they never call or write me to get together to work through the issues.I don't have much advice for other women in this situation since I am full of pain and confusion from this. I believe women are people pleasers and when you do nothing wrong and are disliked so much you tend to think it's you. What did I do? Often the answer is nothing. It just baffles me how people can be this cruel.To the women that are capable of walking I would say walk. I see families that get along and don't have these types of issues. Why not marry into a family that loves and respects you? I guess I should take my own advice
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2012): Hey, I have been sitting here reading these many posts... all I can say is "WOW" I am not married to my offender but we are engaged. I too am not respected by his family or him. I have been instructed not to talk to his brother, turns out his "married" brother had sex with his x-girlfriend and he told me to keep my distance. His brother says I'm cold and distant and he doesn't like me. I said come clean with how you instructed me to behave. I am 55 years old by the way, this not some childish nonsense. His Uncle calls me a dam yankee... He embarrases me every chance he gets, at family gatherings, family dinners, yearly family Reunion. A room of 50 some odd people fell silent at the Christams grab bag event when I chose A bag that had a yankee candle set in it, he yelled out, A YANKEE CANDLE FOR THE DAM YANKEE. I was mortified, standing there in shock!!! That is just 1 of many times. My fiance says NOTHING. I have asked him when are you going to talk to your uncle and come clean with your brother?..(never happened).. The list goes on. I was on expensive antibiotics for a lung issue and the fiance stops over his brothers house for a min. 5 hours later they are still outside burning piles upon piles of leaves. I was called selfish for not joining in on family unity to help out. I went in the house to get away from the smoke the fiance refused to leave. When we got engaged NOBODY in the family wishes us well or said congratulations. I thought that odd. He talks about his sister-in-law as NOT being family she gave his brother 2 children and they have been married 29 years!!!She single handedly cared for his mother on her death bed. She tells me she is surviving the marriage. (ouch) When his Mother passed away 6 months back their was only 8 chairs at the grave site. Dad, 4 brothers, her 2 brothers and Dads brother. NO CHAIRS FOR THE WOMAN. The fiance has a son, he is 21 and very disrespectful the kid gets treated like a prince. The fiance bailed him out of jail $2,300.00, 2,000.00 fines for classes, another 375.00 speeding ticket, going 75 in a 25. Drunk and disorderly $350.00 + loss of licence more classes and fines. Then bought the kid a used truck $2,800.00 + truck insurance..failed drug test..330.00 he pays his cell phone bill + gas money, Kid doesn't work, sleeps till noon. There is more just the outline.. My engagement ring cost $375.00..from a pawn shop :( that is not a typo. I thought maybe if I tried hard enough, or waited it out, I would eventually be accepted, and things would be ok. I can see from the other posts, and seeing my life in black and white that this is a dead end go no place issue. We are not young... he and his family are all set in their ways. Life is full of challenges. Being Happy shouldn't be one of them. May I add that Life is to short to spend time with people that suck the happiness right out of you. Not being alone in this dilemma lets me know this is a huge issue. But I just can't settle, that is what I am doing if I stick with this man. Good luck to you. I know what I need to do.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2012): OMG I have been living with the issue for 20 years!! I have always been after my husband to defend my honor. His family has hated me from day one. They have been rude,and snob me, almost have to convience my husband they like me, when he know they do not. We never get imvited to family functions, because they do not like me. My husband just can't seem to bring him self to defend me. He tells me he is not my night in shining armor. BUT he CAN DEFEND his sister, this I can not understand at all
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female
reader, discouraged31 +, writes (28 March 2012):
I understand exactly where you are coming from. I will have been for about 14 yrs, this summer. My in-laws have treated me bad tremendously. I have been treated awful from my husband's mother, father, and his brother. I have tears in my eyes as I write this. Because I have never done anything wrong to these people except for love their son. We married young, and we've been through alot. I have been by his side through it all. The times we needed money, his parents would help us out. But it was always thrown back in my face. So I decided to give back money for the past few yrs. when I could. We have 2 children together. It hurts me that his parents still after all these yrs. are not accepting me as his wife. I go to school, work, etc. I am a good mother to my children. I do not understand why they treat me cruely. When I express to my husband how I feel, he takes up for them, and he turns the anger on me, as if I should not be telling him. He also tells me to stop focusing on how they treat me, and ignore them. He focuses on the times they helped us out financially, so to him that is all that matters. He does not care how cold they are to me and how they never get their grand children except for once a yr. and we stay in the same state as them. Only about 45 min. to an hour away!!! I do not know what to do anymore, I have many incidents to share as to how cold they have been, but I would rather not. It is too upsetting. I've tried to ignore them, but it hurts too much. My husband agrees that they are "ass" wholes at times, and very cold, but in yet, he is at their defense always!!! We argue from time to time about this, because I am starting to feel as if he does not care how they treat me!!! What do I do??
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female
reader, kimnicole66  +, writes (25 February 2012):
i too have been going through this with my husband brother, he makes things up. just yesterday he told my husband i started trouble on utube about him and his exe girlfriend apparently. i am a mother f**ker, c**ksucker, and more, he has threatened to throw urine in my face,and so much more my husband says ignore him. OH REALLY. My heart is broke and at the end of this month i am going to move out.God give me strenght.i dont know what else too do i am tired of being ashamed in front of whoever may be around good luck too you, i know it hurts,
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female
reader, makeup +, writes (18 February 2012):
Why do these people act so mean to us when all we have done is love and put up with their loved one? because they don't believe that their loved one has what they have in their relationships.My husband does not stick up for me when his family are clearly slanderous about me.From his Mother to his Brother they all say what they like about me and my Husband just makes excuses for their behaviour.It makes me very low and I get confused and sit and think why he would allow such bad behaviour from people who say they love and care for him.I have come to realise that they need him more than he needs them and this is their way of showing how hurt they are that he left them and married me.For the future anyone out there that is getting the cold shoulder from their In-Laws should just hold their head up high and smile sweetly at the In-laws whenever you are in their company,never complain to your spouse about them just slowly over time pullout of any family functions that you both get invited to by saying you have a headache,let your spouse go to these functions and when he returns home say nice things and ask minimum ?s about the gathering and the family.Keep your life contained with the people who love and prove they care (by way of showing it in public)about you around you .Never refuse your Husbands family entry to your home as this will show them you don't want them around.Whe they come to your home treat them like royalty for the first 5 mins then make your excuses and leave them to it.If all the while your Husband is alone with them he if he wants you he will eventually miss and wonder where you his Wife is and get rid of his family and come looking for you.Good luck and don't let the B's wear you down your FANTASTIC! and they know it you were the one who turned their Son,Brother or Dads head,yes you ! you have it so show them what it means by brushing their badness away from you and create a nice little haven for you and your Husband that is special and they can not spoil that.He sleeps with you each night in bed,you have time togehter ,befor eyou came along they could just pluck him out of his time whenever they wanted,now you are in the way so they can not so show them why you took topslot in his life .go on you can do it.
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female
reader, Gofigure +, writes (5 February 2012):
If you have no kids and your husband won't stand by you then run!! My husband puts his relatives before me too. Holidays are a nightmare and we get into lots of arguments over all of their head trips. There is no doubt he tells them stuff that is non of their business too. We have 3 kids and his in laws go to any length to make me look bad to my kids to. If I had to do it all over with I would have left years ago. My in laws are losers! I have been putting up with this crap for 20 years now. My husband got leukemia 2010 and since has had a bone marrow transplant and sick all the time. Now if I leave I am an ogre. His relatives put down me as a caregiver, make up lies, and could care less how me and the kids are doing. They NEVER offer to help but only point their crooked lil hypocrite fingers. I often fantasize on what kind of life I could have had with a man that sticks up for me. Believe me, it is his parents fault he is this way. His parents failed to teach their son that when he gets married 2 flesh become 1 flesh, and a man is to leave his parents and cling to his mate. He has clearly failed to do this. SO, I consider this emotional abandonment which is grounds to leave. However, I can't leave him as sick as he is because I stand by my mate. I am a woman of God. It is a tough situation but if you have no kids and he is not sick the RUN!!! Some in laws are just like mice, you don't always notice they are there until they get gutsy enough for you to catch them at their act, then as you begin to clean up their mess you can see what damage they have really done. Believe me, he was not raised right to act like this. Tell his Mommy and Daddy Gofigure told you this!!!!!
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female
reader, enjoyliferegardless +, writes (26 October 2011):
OK girls~~ and lets not forget the few men who also share this common problem. I have a mother-in-law and 2 sister-in-laws who have nothing but snide-ass comments to make whenever i'm around. Since I came from a family where I wasn't accustomed to this sort of behavior I was shocked by it!!! I also have a a husband whom I have named "milk toast", who pretends to not hear these things and cannot defend me because his mother tells him "family means everything". And yes, she made it perfectly clear that I am not a part of the FAMILY!! And by his actions, or lack of actions, he has told me the same thing. We did go to 2 different marriage counselors for help. The last comment made to me was "if you stay married to that man, and he doesn't own up to the problem, the best you can hope for is to simply exist in the marriage". Since I choose to stay with "milk toast", I have done some research and actually found some answers on how to cope with this in an article I read by Dr. Dave and Dr. Dee.
1. Keep your contacts with tem to a minimum. Spens as little time with tem as possible. If they want to come and visit, let them be entertained by your husband. Go run an errand or make yourself scarce.
2. Your husband needs to be supportive of you. If his family snubs you in any way, it's his responsibility to put a stop to it. It's his family, only he can speak up. Otherwise it gives the in-laws more reason to dissaprove of you. His support of you is not being disloyal to his family. It simply shows his family that he respects you, and they must as well. Most couples who stick together over in-law issues will prevail. (Isn't it sad that they just DON'T GET this part. If they weren't so pathetic to begin with, the problem would never have existed).
3. Do not invest yourself emotionally in them. Do not hope for a close relationship with them; their actions show it will never happen. Keep reminding yourself that they are the ones with the problem. Do not go out of your way to please them. For example, if it's their birthday, it's your husband's responsibility to the card/gift and send it to them and have it be from the both of you.
4. When around them, act pleasant so as not to give them any ammunition with which to use against you. Being pleasant, doew not mean you allow them to insult you. If they do insult you, shrug it off in a humorous way, then leave the room and busy yourself with something else.
5. You and your husband should see a marriage counselor to obtain guidance on how to strengthen your marriage and cope with specific in-law problems.
Well, I hope it helps some of you. Quite frankly, #2 (a husband who supports me), isn't going to happen in my lifetime and #5 (seeing a marriage counselor), was a great place to vent but my husband went simply to appease me. He had no intention of getting anything out of it. But 1, 3, and 4 still works for me, and I still enjoy my life as much as possible and give very little thought to my in-laws anymore. After all, life is short my friends. Make the most of it!!!!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2011): Hi everyone, I am glad I found this post as what was hurting me most about my situation was not understanding how my partners family are so evil and he can't see it. Everyday I think to myself, how is it possible for people to be this mean, I always saw life as beautiful until I met these people and got chewed up and spat out. Mine is a long and ongoing story, at present my partner is just in the process of removing his belongings from my property. We have a 5 year old daughter and I was already a shy and quiet individual, but because no one had a bad word to say about me, his family have broke me down into tiny pieces, taken away my happiness, violated and humiliated me, called me ugly and an embarrassment and I cry every night not knowing why.Me and my partner were lovers, thought we'd be forever, I helped him make something of himself, he was penniless and jobless and his family home was just getting repossessed. I asked him what his dreams were, he said he wanted his own business. With my student status and a part time job, I supported him and helped him and guided him. As he got on the ladder I was there as a cushion for him and I always remained the same simple girl, I never asked for any of his money or expensive gifts, I just remained the same girl who we said he loved. Now he's too good for me according to his family. Maybe I should've left him where he was all those years ago and they wouldn't be looking down their noses at me today. They now see me as poor and worthless and ugly, few years ago they lost their home and I was helping my partner to make a better life for him and his family.It hurts that the good people are always the ones who get hurt. I cant imagine my life without him, he's been my focus for all these years and now I feel old and used and abused and so low that I am finding it hard to pick myself up again.Sometimes I think, do I wait, wait for him to realise? But I don't believe its the answer, nor is revenge or tactics to hurt him. I just stay quiet and let be whats to be.I am going to change the focus to myself and my daughter, try and take all that hurt out my head and heart. All I know is theres more to come - my partners 2nd marriage, new kids etc..and I have to prepare myself for it in order to make sure I am strong enough. No point crying and hurting and getting weaker because you don't know what your lowest point is until you reach it and you just have to think about the people who do love you, like your kids and your family.
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female
reader, Myperspective +, writes (14 May 2011):
 To be honest..I believe men will side with their family instinctively. They are less confrontational and have a stronger sense of loyalty to their family rather than their wife. I am not saying all men are like this..but the majority of these scenarios on here..show the high percentage of women writing and having strong validated feelings towards the husbands family. I believe Men are physically strong but crumble when it deals to emotion and compassion for their marriages. It actually makes me sick to know how many of us women are experiencing this...and how common this is. What in the world besides a therapist ....will it take for these men to get it..I truely don't know when My Husband is going to get it!!!
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female
reader, Myperspective +, writes (14 May 2011):
To be honest..I believe men will side with their family instinctively. They are less confrontational and have a stronger sense of loyalty to their family rather than their wife. I am not saying all men are like this..but the majority of these scenarios on here..show the high percentage of women writing and having strong validated feelings towards the husbands family. I believe Men are physically strong but crumble when it deals to emotion and compassion for their marriages. It actually makes me sick to know how many of us women are experiencing this...and how common this is. What in the world besides a therapist ....will it take for these men to get it..I truely don't know when My Husband is going to get it!!!
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female
reader, Myperspective +, writes (13 May 2011):
Amazing to find a place where I can relate and share....and most of all not feel alone..anymore!! My story~ I met my husband in highschool..and we spent at least 3yrs of our life together, before he moved away. During those years he had made me aware of some drk secrets his family had..His father had committed suicide during the time I had met him,,but it wasn't until yrs later that he had shared this. We lost touch with eachother once he moved and both of us eventually had moved on in our lives..Our relationship never could work long distance and he still had begun spiraling into someone i no longer new. He had come from a big family but they all already had their lives going. My husband being the youngest was left to fend for himself and grow into the man he has alone. About 5 yrs ago he contacted me again. Of course we were much older and had lived life a bit..and thankfully our chemistry was still there. I began visiting him and his family for reunions and all...and established some ground with them. I always noticed the clingyness of them all..and their gatherings were routine. If u missed one it would be the talk of the week. I learned early on that I would never be abl to let them manipulate me or change who i was as they had done with him,,since he was the baby of the family. It wasnt until we were married 3yrs that I realized in their own way..they are very detached to any outsider (myself, the other wives of the brothers) Among themselves ..everything is all about them. My mother in law appears to be easy going..and affectionate but when all of her kids are together..she doesn't display that affection towards me. For Mothers Day ,,I thought it would be nice to bridge our families..as we have done a few times already. I thought both our moms could celebrate mothers day in this fashion for the first time. During the gathering..I noticed that it wasn't about both our mom's. It was soley about my mother in law. My mom was sitting the whole time with no one to speak to, which i felt was rude in itself. When it came to small talk...it was brief. It just didn't feel as warm as I had expected..and that was disappointing. I also noticed that my husband was distant..he also did not show the bond that he has with me or my mom,,whom he is very close to. I didn't understand why he was acting different in front of them. I realized at this point that he is no DIFFERENT from the way they are. I would think with a family that is full of shame, guilt and god knows what else..that they would have more of a sensitivity chip or something..I just felt for the first time they all were very cold..and rude. I def will never try to mesh my fam with his...its not worth it to me in the end to deal with such ignorance. It was very superficial..and when I tried to show my husband the light when we were home...he denied seeing what I saw. He actually chose to get upset and said it's in my head..To say the least things have been tense between us. This isn't the first time he dismisses what I observe with his family..To complicate matters ..we did leave early,,before desert that is..and the next day his sister called him to ask for money towards the cake..since we had left early..Who does that? She didnt think to call me b/c they all know including her that I would of told her where to go with that cake!!!! Little things like these are beginning to become more evident to me..and I am actually tired of being so wonderful and generous to them. I have decided from now on to disattach myself..and not be so quick to jump for him to go to these gatherings. They don't deserve nor appreciate who I am. TO be honest I now see that this is just how it may have always been, and I just didn't want to see it. They are all about them..They re selfish and He is an idiot if he doesn't see it. He better grow a pair...for the future..since he quickly can tell me what he doesnt appreciate in me, when I act a way he doesn't like. He has a big mouth with his wife...but would never speak up i feel to defend me or side with me...He needs to change or else something in our marriage will, b/c I won't put up with it long term, Thanks for listening...and giving courage to those in a similar situation!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2011): I agree with the last post it does exist for men too! I have known some of my female friends who are very much Daddy's girls say that their partners really take some criticism. What I do feel is that if parents knew how much pain their attitude caused their son or daughter - because of arguments, lack of worth etc - then why would they do it? What do parents (mothers or fathers) get out of being so critical or disparaging about their son or daughters choice of partner? Does it make them feel good to be so cruel? As rejected individuals on the end of this feeling that we'll never be quite good enough or fit in or be acceptable we live under a dark cloud and the fence-sitting that our partners do in not knowing whose side to take is pathetic and creates a sense of competition where there should not be one. The thing is I know that not everyone has this problem with their in-laws and so I guess we are the unlucky ones.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2011): To appease my future in-laws, I traded my old truck in for a nicer car. I got a better job. I finished my undergrad. I went to law school. I'm as humble and patient as I can possibly be, but nothing helps. I've tried to explain to my fiancee that defending me only delays their denigration until they can think of something else. I can take a beating, but they're relentless. I want her to draw a line and say, "This is the man I love. Either this ends right now, or we're out of here." I could stand up for myself, but I don't think I should have to. I'd take on the whole world for her. I try not to resent her for it, but I think about it constantly. Anyway, this issue exists on both sides of the gender line, ladies. Hang in there.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2011): My boyfriends mother, looks like a witch and behaves like one, She is a horrible woman. she brain washes and controls her sons. i detest her, she hates me and has hated me before she even met me, because of my name, my ethnicity and my religion. His family is so narrow minded it drives me crazy how little they see past their tribal affiliation.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2011): Inlaws like this have raised those sons in the same controlling manner that they use on us. These sons have spent their entire lives trying to be good enough for their parents, never quite making the mark. This extends the control further into his life even after he leaves home, and when they are faced with their partner's pain caused by the same freakish controlling, they are totally lost. How can they risk confronting the parents, risk being called 'fool' at the age of 40+. They are still trying to impress them, and therefore cannot stand up to them.We meanwhile lose self esteem, become frustrated and exhausted trying to please them, trying to make the mark which we never reach, and never will reach, and plead for help from our partners. This adds double the stress to the guy, who has failed once more, i.e. he has failed to please them with his choice of partner!!!I have lived with this for 26 years, and my daughters tell me stories now which indicate that they have suffered too. I don't visit anymore, nor do I take phonecalls, but they occasionally use my house when they are passing through. I take a deep breath and put up with them, as it only happens about twice a year. I sometimes get panic attacks when I hear that they are coming, and relive elements of the hell. My daughters have done well in life, and so have I, and I feel that they can try to put me down now if they like as it will not affect me. However this does not stop the huge resentment at the enormous chunk of my young life that they ruined. My advice: don't give them what they want, i.e. don't give them back their son!! They want the break-up. That is the ultimate aim, to get him home and back into total control.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2011): I have had a very similar experience for years - this year my husband decided that he would spend Xmas afternoon with his family (who hate me for no good reason) rather than be with his wife. He made it quite clear that I was second best. Our marriage will be over in 2011 that is the pledge I have made for myself. It is hard, so hard, to get over the feelings of inadequacy and hurt but if we don't save ourselves then for sure our husbands are not going to protect and support us. I will never be with a man again who is not supportive of me and our relationship.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011): When I first met my future mother she said I need to wear my dresses at a longer length with the tops cut higher. I almost gagged. I'm 22 years old and it was 90 degrees outside and me and my fiance's car didn't have air conditioning. My own parents approved of the dress. She even had on a dress the same length except hers didn't have sleeves. I think she was just saying that to see if I would tell her off but I held my tongue.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2011): I have to start by saying wow...we could seriously start a group thing here! I'm perplexed to see so many of our husbands are cowards...is it a man thing? My husband and I were together for 7 years, with one son. We split in 2000, and after I had a very abusive relationship with another man - in 2006 my husband and I got back together and married in 2008. Two months before our wedding, he went to the bar with friends. I didn't go, because all his friends wives hate me (they are large women and I am quite small). For the next month and a half, one of the wives gave our number to her girlfriend. She began calling our house asking my (fiance at that time) to meet. Not only did he not tell her no, he's engaged, but he didn't tell her to leave him alone for 1.5 months. Then...two weeks before the wedding, his dad didn't show up for tux fittings. I asked his mom why, she said because he's so dead set against this wedding that he left town for the weekend. I was crushed...and should have ended it there. Now, my husband hides in the closet to talk to his friends and family, so I don't here. They make plans all the time, without me...and he hides it. I asked him to stop and stand up for us...this is hurting so bad. He said he would, he said he waited 6 yrs to be with me again and won't lose me. Then I found out, at Christmas that everything he promised me was a lie. He just kept making plans behind my back, with people that hate me and don't support our marriage.I asked him to leave last night. I can't do it anymore. I said, "why is it so hard for you to stand up for this marriage?" He just stayed silent, and then said "well I guess I can try if I have to."I am a great mother, I hold a very prestegous job with a great income, I am balanced and aside from cigarettes (not for long...) and shoes I have no addictions. I am not abusive, I am clean and look nice for him, I do what he wants in bed, everything. I wear all my women hats well, but because I am so tired of my marriage coming last I say we're going to end it...and to see him try so little makes me think its the right thing to do. But its killing me. I have loved this man for 15 years. And in 4 months, I see him as a stranger now. I don't think it can be saved...but I pray every night God will help me. Just remember ladies...we're worth it...we're people too with feelings and livelyhood and desires. And if anyone wants to rape that from us...anyone tries to destroy our foundations then as much as it hurts...we must stand up for ourselves. Peace be with us all. Michelle H
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2011): Wow, I doubt the asker still keeps up with these answers,but it seems people are still getting to vent. So I'm goingto too. It will probably be long. You don't have to read it, but maybe it will help me to Vent too.My husband and I were married almost 3 years ago. We only dated for 6 months before. His mother passed away before I ever met him. But his brother has been the biggest challenge for our marriage. My husband is 37, his brother 33 and I'm just 23... When we first got married we literally lived in a home that didn't have power or running water for almost 2 months. Then we moved into my aunt and uncles old house for about 6 months, and some issues raised there so we ended up moving in with my parents for over a year. The real shocker here is that my husband OWNS A HOUSE of his own, that we were still paying the property taxes for during all this time, and he let his 33 year old brother live in it, rent free while we were homeless! Eventually I told my husband that we were moving in to the house whether he or his brother liked it, his brother didn't have to move out, but we were moving in. As we started getting the house ready (his brother had pretty much destroyed it) there were some major issues with us and his brother. The difference is my husband never said anything when his brother would put him down, I on the other hand have been raised to treat people with respect, but never let them run over you. So I didn't. I stood up for myself multiple times. As his brother would call mefat, or just flat out disrespect me on just about everything he said all while my husband stood next to me but never said one word to stand up for me. At one point his brother actually went outside to get his pit bull which he has trained and fought for years to bring into the house on me and my small dog. My husband was at work that dayBut I told him about it and he never said a word. I recently brought it up again and of course the reply was "you never told me that. I would have came home and kicked his a$$!". I just said "yeah I know"... He has since moved out and we don't see him nearly as much, but from time to time he still comes around and still has the occasional mean remark for which my husband never says a word to. We've fought about this issue more than any other issue in our marriage and I'm simply fed up with it. Even when his brother isn't here, if it comes up in conversation he will still say things that defend his brother instead of me. Like, "well, he's hot headed you should just let thingsslide so it doesn't cause drama"...He even told me once that if I weren't such a b!tch then maybe his brother wouldn't be mean to me. By the way I'm the b!tch that when his brother had knee surgery, even after all this, wasgoing to buy him a cell phone and pay his bills, I'm also the b!tch that was still getting his brother in his 30's Santa presents and making a stocking with about $75 worth of stuff in it... And so many other horrible b!tchy things.I'm so sick of it. I'm still here but, honestly, at this point I'm just letting him pay my bills off. If I walk away right now, I don't have a home to go to, my parents sure, but still I've straightened everything in his life out, but mine would be that of a 16 yr old kid if I left. So I'm staying here, using his money to pay my bills off, saving money back and when my bills are paid off I'm planning on leaving. If by that time things are different and he has even once, just once stood up for me, I won't leave, because in every other area he is wonderful to me. But, if that day comes and he's still more worried about taking up for his brother than his wife, then I'm out... I sometimes think he just doesn't like confrontation, but he doesn't mind to take up for his brother to me. Even if that werethe issue though, I thought I married a man. But a man wouldn't let another grown man come into his house and disrespect his wife... There's so much more of this same old stuff, but its just repetitive, brother disrespects me, and husband just cowards in the corner... Thanks for reading if you have. Its nice to vent.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2010): I, too, have had the VERY unfortunate luck (or is it stupidity) to be married to a wimpy guy who cannot stand up for me to his family. These losers hated me from day 1 (even though I was a quiet, well-behaved honor student). For 25 years I have pushed my husband to stand-up for me and FINALLY, just recently, he asked them to apologize to me. Their response was: "we have nothing to apologize for". Instead of jumping on that he started quivering and said "well I don't want to make a big thing out it". As a mental health professional I understand that his family is one for the textbooks: dysfunctional, enmeshed, incestuous, etc. etc. I also understand intellectally that because he was beaten as a child the fearful child part of him is still operating. I GET IT ALL. He will even vent to me and tell me how much he hates them all and how much he hates the fact that he can't tell them off. He informed me today that he is going to completely cut ties with them as they are "toxic". We shall see.....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2010): I know exactly how you are feeling. I have been with my husband for 7 1/2 years - married for 3 1/2 and his parents have ALWAYS been rude and condescending to me and my family. They have criticized me for everything from my looks, my weight, my children, my family, my house, my car... you name it - they've said something about it. The only time they are nice to me is when they want/need something - otherwise it is bitchy little comments trying to grind my gears. My brother in laws were younger when I started dating my husband and now that they are adults, are also being to treat me like his parents. His mom even assaulted me on his birthday in front my children (2 and 3 at the time. When I filed charges, my husband said he wanted to divorce me. His parents have been nothing short of abusive to him his entire life and I am baffled every time he sticks up for them. They are always a priority to him more so than me and his children. He is always hoping for that special moment where they will hug him and tell him how much they love him - a moment that will never happen. There is simply too much to type here about what these people have done to me and my self esteem. They convinced my husband MUST go work out of town so he did - and I made the decision to cut them ALL out of my life and have kept it strictly to holidays and even that isn't working out. This has gotten so bad that we even got asked to appear on "The Dr. Phil Show" and the only willing participant was me. My mother in law cuts me out of pictures, gets everyone and their dog a gift for Christmas except for me and more. I can tell you that if it has not gotten better by now, its not going to and will probably only get worse. I know that I can't handle much more and I have already told my husband unless WE (not just me) come up with a feasible plan to deal with his family that I want a divorce. His excuse was I married him not his family, but that isn't true, they are constantly intruding in our lives, cutting us down, twisting our words and try to get everyone against us... until they need something. I'm sorry but I would suggest leaving him ecspecially if you don't yet have children. I made that mistake - Great kids, wrong man.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2010): I see that most women are dealing with the same issues...My husband has never ever defended me when it comes to his family, friends children ect....in fact he talks bad about me to his ex-wife....his Mother completely ignores me, and ignores our children..she lives 10 mins away and has nothing at all to do with her grandchildren. For xmas she gives them $1 each and tells them its for the dollar store (my mother in law is very wealthy so money is not an issue) but gives her other grandchildren hundreds of dollars in gifts...right in front of my kids....I have tried several times to talk to my husband about how he never defends me and how i know he talks about me behind my back to everyone he can....the reason his family and friends do it is because he does it so thats pretty much an invitation...this has completely ruined my self esteem..its put me in depression...I am now working on myself and plan to leave him....if you are faced with this issue i say get out while you can..it will never change!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2010): I recently got married after a brutal engagement and wedding planning. The entire time I was pushed by him to include his family on our wedding plans. His sisters did nothing but treat me like a piece of garbage, insulting my taste, insulting my family, and anything else imaginable to put a dent in our relationship. At one point we split briefly and he came back stating we would be the priority. Unfortunately, he is afraid of conflict and could never stand up. He could not imagine that his "Family" would do this to him or me, or that his sisters could be jealous to have a love like ours. Well let me tell you, I saved up my money and kicked him out. He will never change or stand up for us. His inability to protect me and the covenenat of our marriage was so hippocratic, I should have divorced him sooner. I suffered from low self esteem which was the only reason why I stayed as long as I did. Otherwise, I never would have tolerated one minute of their ignoring me, inviting his old girlfriends to parties, never being invited over by his immediate family, discreet calls they placed to him outside the home so they could avoid speaking to me or the delay in acknowledging invitations I extended in an effort to show him I wanted to please him. If he cannot cut the cord, cut him out.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2010): I do understand, and I don't know what you can do about it. My situation is similar, since I hear from others that my sisters in law criticize me when I am not present, and for the most part exclude me when they can. I have no idea what their problems are with me, but I am kind to them and make it clear that they have an open invitation to our home, though they do not visit, except for holidays. Though that hurts my feelings, I am more hurt and disappointed that my husband does not defend me or support me in this matter. I feel that he is the one who can either change it or at least make it be known to his sisters that I am important to him and that our relationship is first ... his wife before his sisters, if it comes to that. You have been tolerating this for 18 years, hoping for change. My husband and I have been married for almost 40 years and nothing has changed. Should you divorce over it? Only you can decide. I am not getting divorced, obviously, but this is one of the most painful things in my life and it hurts all the time to know that my husband is never going to be my defender and supporter with his family. I often feel that they are more important to him than I am, and perhaps they are, though that is a bitter pill to swallow. I hope that your husband comes to understand what this pain does to you, and to your marriage, and that he will begin to let his family know that this is no longer an accepted thing, that his wife is someone he loves and that when they hurt you, they hurt him. I wish you well!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2010): I thought I was the only one that had this problem. My husband and I have been together for eight years and we were recently just married in August. His mother disowned him for choosing to marry me. She blames me for all the bad things in her life and feels like I stole her son. She was cruel to me for years, telling me she wished I was dead when ever my husbands back was turned. I don't have any family, my dad died when I was 12 and my mom became a terrible drug addict, so I had thought that this would be a chance for me to actually belong to a family. I couldn't have been more wrong.I didn't tell him the kind of things his mother said to me until we were maybe together for four years and I , to this day, feel like he didn't really believe me. It got really bad when his younger brother got his girlfriend pregnant and she moved in with them. The Girlfriend has this alpha dog complex and she wanted to do anything to discredit me. She told all sort of lies about me (I.E. Said I stole something from their house, firstly I don't steal and secondly we are financially way more secure so I'd just go buy Chinese food if I really wanted it). Holidays were terrible. There house was so disgusting and full of roaches that they wanted to come to our house every year and my Husband let them come and I would sit there and listen to them complain about how the food was disgusting and tasted like dog food. His Mother always tried to fight with me and got even more angry when I would just walk away to my room.When he was disowned it was the first time he stood up for me. He told her that he wasn't going to leave me and if she didn't like it she could stay out of his life. But I feel so guilty. I know he loves his mother and his brothers and now he can't see them because me. I feel miserable all the time because I feel like I ruined his family.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2010): I feel for all of you. I am sick of the way my in-laws have treated me. This is my second marriage and I wish, wish, WISH...I wouldn't have married in to this family. I had NEVER planned on getting married again, but my husband changed my mind. However, my MIL and my SIL are satan. They have even convinced his friends (who used to like me) that I am awful. My husband walked away from his family, but he can't stand it. They refuse to apologize, but he is ok with that. That's because they haven't said anything horrible about him. They tried to start a rumor and tell my husband that I was a stripper (I'm an elementary teacher for goodness sake)...they called me every horrible name in the book...they have cut my daughter out of pictures...and told my husband that I am just using him for child support and I'm going to screw him over. NOW, we are pregnant and he wants to tell his parents...WHY??!! so they can call me a whore, fat, or something else? They already don't want anything to do with the first grandchild...why do they need to know about this one? In fact, as I write this, he is out mailing his parents a Christmas Card...they havn't sent us one nor gotten us any gifts for Christmas, birthdays, nothing...not even a phone call!! But, yet, he calls them and sends them cards. i'm tired of him just acting like they can do no wrong...no matter what they say to me or do to me. I truly wish I would've never gotten married to this horrible, evil family!!!!! I wish I would've RUN before I got pregnant...now I'm stuck with this family forever...gee, yea...wow...this was nice to vent to total strangers!!!!!!!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2010): It looks like most of us (read 90%) of us face the same issue. My husband's parents have treated me always differently, from day one. The worst point is my husband has never stood up by me. Its my ill-fate that I have to stay in this house, don't know for how long. My parents have sensed this, but if I go back to them, they'll be shattered and it will affect their health. My husband is a no-gooder and talks BIG, but nothing has been achieved, in terms of his career or finance. When both of us come home from work, there is no one to offer me a glass of water. I have always tried to convince myself if they are not my parents and I cannot expect good behaviour from them towards me. As I write this, I have tears flooding my eyes and I control them, because I don't want to end up with a head ache. I want to be happy with my little daughter and live a peaceful life. I have started praying that I get a pain-less divorce from him, having caused no harm or trouble to my parents and my kid. I want to be happy.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2010): If your dating a man and his parents don't like u (?) Take my advice. ..RUN! I have a wonderful husband, ppl are always telling me I'm lucky to have him. With that being said, his parents have made it clear I'm not good enough. Their behavior has killed my self-esteem. Plus has hurt my marriage, and the stress has caused my husband to hate his parents. Out of love for my husband I wish I could go back time and leave him before love was lost between his parents.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2010): I read all of your women woes and I can see we are not alone. I am facing this problem since one year now. I got married and everything was fine until I got to know the real face of my in-laws and my husbands brother and especially his wife. Im devastated, for not only my husband sis- in law is dominating but trash talks about me to his entire family. His parents are one of her puppets and they are totally on her side. I am cornered by the entire family excluding my husband and it feels like I have lost my self-esteem. I am unable to understand my fault, I never for once did anything to annoy them and this is what makes me so depressed.My husband supports me but is very much on making peace with his family, I have no issues with that unless they don't ignore or disrespect me. Its been only a year since my marriage but since Im very sensitive and I have no support, for my parents are in a different country I don't know what to do. Im just contemplating on my present scenario and Im not at all happy , I was happy before marriage but now I feel trapped and miserable.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): I am from philippines and i am married to american citizen. We are currently living with my in laws house. Even since we got married my in laws were just trying to act nice in front of my face. We're 4 years living in together now and through this years they were nice in front of me but they were saying bad comments behind my back. I can tell that my mother in law doesn't really like me ever since. Then lately my husband and i had a big fight. My husband told my mother in law that he don't care about me and he only care to my son. He also told them that we were not going to work out. After my husband made that statements i feel like i have nobody right now besides my son. I felt like after he made that statement to my in laws, it made my mother in law feels more unlike to me and the he gives her the power to be a bitch towards me. From that point i feel like i have no more reason to stay in this house because from my husband's statements he made them clear we are not together. Though i still want to keep this marriage and us try one more time for my son its hard because i also think of my pride. And this is the worst situation i have ever been to my life and my husband that supposed to be by my side made my situation worst.
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reader, birdy +, writes (4 December 2010):
Hi there...I can relate to you...my husband did that to me all the time. At first when I met him he didn't, but when I moved in with him and when we got married he did it all the time. He might not change...he might be like this as long as your married to him. It is so humiliating to be regarded like that especially when it's your husband and he's the one whos supposed to love you and and be on your side. I know how it feels to be made fun of by in laws AND by my husband at the same time!!!! Please be careful...you said you put off having a baby with him....that's a good thing...you make sure that you are ready for this, because believe me if he puts you down to his parents he will do the same thing with your child when the child is old enough to understand and communicate.. Take care:)
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2010): I have been dealing with this same situation for 9 yrs and i finally spoke up and said something. It's not so much my mother in law,but the husbands sister and sister in law. I am at the point where im like do i just walk or stay. We have a 8 yr old son and he has heard my husbands sister and sister in law say rude things to me. I finally told them to stay away from me and my son. I am lost and confused because i love my husband but i can't deal with this anymore.But I have to say that since i spoke up i feel alot better in side.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2010): I sympathise with you I been married recently and I'm not happy due to the same situation and it's killed me to the point I'm running away cos I think better now then later! Life is to short to sit back and waste don't let them bully you my dad died when I was ten and my husband says awful things I nearly overdosed myself then I thought it's not worth it get out of it life is better out there real men don't push there women down ' he should stand up for you , your his wife now! But I made my decision and It's hard I feel like a failure but I'd rather live a hood life than this life
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2010): Wow...I thought it was just me! I can relate to everyone's pain. We've been married 23 years. The in-laws have been unloving and distant for as long as I can remember. MIL is very stubborn, loud, and obnoxious. She thinks she never does anything wrong. I think her kids are intimidated by her. That's why I think my husband won't stand up to her. He's taking the path of least resistance. If he has to confront her, it could get ugly. I'm much easier to ignore. Does that make sense? The part that bothers me the most is that our kids are all grown now but their grandparents have never wanted to be in their lives; even for school functions, and my husband won't question that. You should see how they go on about their "other" grandkids..the ones that matter. This is what I have done to save my sanity:
I stop going around for all holidays and family gatherings. If they are so wonderful to my husband, he can go for it. He's not close either, but wants ME to feel guilty if I don't go with him..sort of like a security blanket. I refuse. I recently reminded him that he needs to make his own plans for visiting them on Thanksgiving. He can take the kids, (if they want to go, ) but I will not allow him to "make" them show up. We have tried very hard over the years to be accomodating toward them; bought them gifts, sent cards, invited them to plays and sporting events, (which they never attended), and showed up even when we didn't feel comfortable, but had to pretend it was all cool. They haven't been to our home in years. We have never received a Christmas card from them, and they stopped gift giving, even though we continue. whatever. We are totally invisible to them unless they want to look good to other family members. Then the phoniness begins so that others don't know how they are toward us.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2010): I'm dealing with the same situation. I suspicion my husband talks about me behind my back to his parents. They keep on nagging him about me all the time. If it were me I would tell them to mind their own business but he won't or he don't. He says he has before but if that's the case why don't they but out of our life.
Yesterday my motherinlaw said to him that something to the effect that he needs to leave me. He said he was not gonna split up his family. We have a 7 year old.
Then about 6 months to a year ago he stated and I overheard him that he was thinking of divorcing me. I don't work and haven't for 3,years.
Definitely for sure don't have children with this man.
Stand up for yourself and don't take anymore crap off them.
I'm just about ready to confront my husband first and maybe parents next.
Before now they would talk about my clothes and now I'm getting fat. What's next?
I haven't done anything to these people. Yesterday my husband's father told me I was fat. I'm like you I don't know what to do.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2010): My in-laws were horrible to me but very sneaky usually
behind mt husbands back. But as time went by they became
more bold even then he never took my side or defended me
Three sisters husband only son brought up on farm.After
we were married they still expected him to be there every
week-end to do for them and he never disapointed them
His father made all of the decisions for us and we had to
comply or father would punish husband and not talk to him
which tore my husband up.Had husband convinced his loyalities were to his father. Parents broke up husbands first marriage and tried to break up mine to son After we
had children always put my children last over other grandchildren spanked my children never the other grand
children husband never said a word just they are my parenrs
what can I do Still with my husband but have no respect for
him,inlaws are dead me or my children dont care dont miss
them, but husband does he still tries to do everything that
would make his dad proud go figure.
If I had it to do over I would never stay with a man who
would not put me first my advise if he can not put you
first find someone who will
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2010): I think your husband should love his mother, but stand up for his wife. No one is always right or always wrong, but when you commit to a partner for life, your should support each other and be there for each other.
A man than cannot get off the mothers apron strings is bad bet, because as long as the mother-in-law is alive, she will always be number one..
Confront him with your feelings, but in a sensitive manner and explain to him your feelings and then ask for his. It may open the door for more constructive conversation about the situation.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2010): My in laws also have hated me from the day one of my marriage. My mother in law is very cunning and keeps on gossiping about me to my husband. Her attitude was driving me crazy I told my husband but of no use. He trusts his mom he thinks whatever she says is the truth. My father in law will be on his toes to fight with me. My mother in law,father in law and my husband keep fighting with me constantly and I feel like ending up my life. I have nobody in my in laws house to support me. I am struggling all alone. The one big thing which I cant digest is my mother in law's behaviour whenever she finds time to talk to my husband she starts off gossiping about me. I dont know what to do.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2010): Try therapy first at least for your kids. If that doesn't work then divorce might be a good option. My in-laws never gave me a chance. Luckily they live 3,000 miles away in Europe. Recently his parents came to visit and I got into a huge fight with them. His father misunderstood something i said and started screaming at me. I tried to explain and apologize, but he didnt care. All of this in front of my 7 year old child. Big mistake on his part. I don't want my son exposed to people who disrespect me like that. Especially when its family. Grow up and act like a man and stop being so damn selfish. I ended up leaving my own house and didnt come back for two weeks...after they left for the airport. My husband didn't fight to get me back nor did he defend me after I told him how I felt. He's always defended them when they complained about me, but when I have a issue he just abandons me. We're in therapy now, so we will see how things go.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2010): should i leave or go?5 kids in the middle here too.??????????
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female
reader, mcapk +, writes (25 August 2010):
I'm in the same situation, except it's not really my husband's parents thats the issue it's the sisters and cousins.. always finding some reason to put me down and say something negative about me. His mom also seems shity towards me but she doesn't say much directly to me cuz she doesn't speak English, I know she talks crap about me to my husband but he would never tell me so.. the best thing to do is keep your distance and as for me I dont let my children go around them b/c they favor one over the other and I'd hate for them to verbally abuse them by talking bad about me to them - I'd go postal on them foreal! I can't say anything to my husband anymore b/c he gets defensive of them and mad at me.. so I gave up after 8 years - it's easy to just say EFF them!! But if you don't have children I'd say leave his ass b/c a man in my book should always stand upp for his woman and if he can't he shouldn't dare call himself a man! I hate his family b/c of how they treat me and I've never done anything to them.. and at times if we have to deal with them I hate him too b/c he defends them and he's so blind not to see that they are disrespecting him by disrespecting me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2010): I have been going through this for four years. I was clearly a slow learner and wanted something out of in laws that was pure fantasy. I was blinded by the thought they were so religious. I came to realize they use their hypocritical church beliefs to overshadow their insecurities. With my husband you cannot say anything bad about his family but he can talk about mine. I came to the realization that his own family does not associate with people that are financially secure and my husband has picked up that envious insecurity when it comes to my family. My family does any and everything for our almost 2 year old son. His family does not do a damn thing. They only say he should be in church. Well I am very spiritual and I don't allow them to try to manipulate, or control me like they do to their grown as* kids. My son will only go to their hypocritical church with his dad if I have to work other than that f*ck their beliefs!!! My husband's mom is always begging for gas money or gifts...when you ask her for anything she is crying broke. She has never bought any one us gifts for any holidays becasue oh she is so so poor. She got a salvation army sweater for my son's 1st birthday that he will be able to fit this birthday coming up. It is so ugly! When my husband was incarcerated for a couple of weeks his mom wanted me to give her all the info for her to write him and for her to visit. I got the info to her. She never sent him any money. She said she doesn't understand why he needs money in jail. I gave her info on how he could cvall her is she set up a phone account for $25. She told me to tell him she would holler at him when he got out. And she drove over in a brand new car. I told my hasband he has been told by his parents that they are so poor for so long he really believes that. His mom is just awful. I learned to stay far far away from her. She has no respect for my wishes on calling me a day in advance for seeing my son. Now I just don't answer the phone. She has her daughter or someone to relay the messages to me if possible. She has realized now that I will not let her manipulate and control me like she does to everyone else she can. I got my self esteem back. It was low because of the whole ordeal. I am so good now that I know that his family aint about nothing. They only want to tell you what we should be doing. I am like um they dont pay no bills up in here, and they don't know what truly goes on with us so they can shut it up. My husband still gets victimized from time to time but I have to just bring him right back out of it cuz they are stupid people. You don't have to have a college degree to be smart but these are idiots! His mom and dad cannot even read or right but want to tell their kids how to advance themselves. THey need to shut up and work on themselves. Having them out of my life completely is so much better than dealing with his mom's sarcasm, 1001 questions that are just down right nosey, control antics, and her i wanna be a be a minister beliefs. She is such a follower. She wants to be like everyone else. She wants what I have and if she can afford it she gets the same thing. LOL! Sad! My suggestion is to stay away from fu*ked up family or they will try to get you to think and be negative like them. I am going through molding my husband from his horrible upbringing. You have to have patience. I am so good with myself. Only the strong survive and the weak fall down by the waist side.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2010): I, too, have the same problem with my in-laws. They have even gone as far as physically hitting me, punching me in the face, and my husband got upset with me for trying to protect myself from their blows!!! He gets angry if I say anything negative about his mother, but she can say anything she wants about me and he is totally fine with it. I do not even feel like being married to such a wimp anymore! I have stuck it out for 26 years and it will never change...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2010): thankyou!!!! My partners twin sister is/was very co-dependent on him, and he gave her everything he had and more, plus helped raise her son who she had when she was 18, almost like a marriage. When I cam along she despised me, the person i was, my beliefs, she talked over me non stop for 2 years! I stopped talking all together in her company and than it was "she comes over here and just sits there" Everytime I tried to make an effort with her she slapped it back in my face (her son joining in) so it became impossible: FOR EVERYONE. We had a baby, and instead of bringing the family together, they got their nose out of joint and just about stopped coming over, even saying when our son was 2 weeks old "you should be spending more quality time with . . .) I just couldnt believe it, I was so hurt, feeling rejected all those years my self and then THEY REFJECTING MY SON!!! Now I know (and always did) that she is a very unhealthy person, studies show female twins are far less likely to marry, and are normally the ring leaders because they socially mature earlier, so what a big fright and jump back it must have been to her. They have no mother or father, so I know it must be hard that her twin has decided to start a relationship and family, at the end of the day it is him that suffers. If anything, I have learnt to be polite and nod, and try and make an effort that way at least i can say i tried (they dont have that on me) and i kow my partner feels better when he sees them, plus there is always a twin guilt thing for the one that has gone and moved on (which is him) I WISH HE WOULD HAVE TOLD HER TO SHUT THE HELL UP AND BE NICE but then i got obsessed about it, and she wasnt sitting there thinking that much about me so i have had to learn to let go (i still go through this lesson a few times a year), my self esteem was greatly affected and i no longer felt secure in the relationship for a long time. Why couldnt she be normal and treat me well, and have some enthusiasm for the new woman in his life? Why is she like this: BECAUSE SHE FEELS LIKE CRAP HERSELF, BECAUSE SHE IS VERY INSECURE, keeping these things in mind has made it easier for me, but it does conflict with my personality, i dont lke to take shit, she rubbished him/us to all our mutual friends and now his been excluded by his old best friebd, who she catches up with, what a good friend? no. wankers, my advice: take solace that heaps of people go through this, and be good to yourself: you are amazing and the best, they are bottom feeders and bullys, if its really bad then its unhealthy, stay away and feel good, if you can make an effort even if you dont want to, that way they have nothing on you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2010): I told my husband it is time to be a man. I told my husband that he needs to let his family know that I decide if they have contact with myself and my daughter. I haven't seen them in a year. I told him that he could take my daughter to see his father for two weeks. I'm pregnant with the second child and they aren't happy. We aren't getting divorced because they want us to. So, I told him to man up. He is my husband and I am his wife. I told him to be a man and to stop being a boy to his father. I could give a shit if they like me or not. But i'll be damned if they don't respect me. I have ZERO contact with them. I suggest you both let your in laws know that YOU are the matriarch of your family and that if they want access to your family that it will be through you. Let your husband know that you won't be his family's doormat and that if he won't stand up for you, holidays will be without him with you and your children and with the absence of his family. If they don't want to accept you and reject you, they are hurting your children. It hurts a child to see their mother rejected and disrespected. The child will end up disliking the family. Then that puts your child in an impossible position. We'll see if this trip works but if it doesn't, then our relationship with them is finished. My husband can just spend holidays with them.
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female
reader, wells2010 +, writes (17 July 2010):
Hi all, firstly i understand what you are all going through.
i have the same problem and have had it for 4 years now. i just don't understand why our partners don't stick up for us, or even better turn a blind eye! my partner always says no i didnt her them! although he hears everything else. Obviously selective hearing. I ready do need some advice. as i too am very close to walking again! the keep being nasty and he never stands up for me, and also nothing is in my name for four years we having been meaning to open a joint bank, id like to be on the mortage but he says i cant as i am not working. Also he sold my car and kept his car's (which also r in his name). my daughter recently broke her arm on the trampoline! they said i did it! what a joke....
ive recently had a baby boy 6 weeks old now.. thrugh out the pregnancy they treated like shit, no change there then.. but as soon as the baby was out the came and visited me seconds after 2 days labour 3 days awake and an emergency c-section.. ignored me in hospital! how rude,, i am at my parents house and dont want to go back, and i hate my partner for letting them do this... his dad called me deaf and dumb... and stupid.. i just dnt know wat to do..
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2010): i am having the same problems myself. I have no family here in Australia as all of them are in America. My evil sister in law would always put me in the spot in front of all their relatives, would attack me verbally, and my oh so loving husband would just sit there and not say a word.He'd preted deaf and blind. She would totally ignore me at times as if I wasnt there. She's exactly like her mom. This has been affecting me because I have no one else to rely on to but him but he just doesnt do anything to defend me. After every familt gatherings we'll end up aruing about what happened and he'd tell me I am being paranoid. I've always thought I've been really luck to have him, but kindness is not enough,.. I need a MAN who would be there for me all the time, a MAN who would protect me. My in laws think that I'm immature because my husband does everything for me, he spoils me and stuff, but then, i'm the one looking bad because my husband never STANDS UP FOR ME!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2010): If you don't have kids, get out right now. I ignored my nutty in-laws, and it has dawned on me that they have surveilled my house (sent the kids of one of their friends who lives in our town to spy on us) given a key to the people at our son's school (they hate my housekeeping and hope to shame me into living up to their standards) It gets worse with kids. I suspect they have hired someone to spy on me, as I have seen a man watching me a few times. Gut feeling. Oh- and something I ignored but should not have. My father-in-law groped me once. On top of that, they have come in my house and insulted me too many times to count. My husband has been bullied into extreme passivity by his hurtful, self centered and ocd dad. He will never take up for me, and thinks I am being think skinned and weak by feeling affected by them. We have a child. I know my father-in-law has been infiltrating my emails and letting others do the same. I am leaving my husband with my child. I suggest you do the same before you are tied to a negative situation with a dependent.
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female
reader, kerriee +, writes (1 June 2010):
I have been in your shoes, my biggest challenge is to start soon, thankfully for me my in laws live in another country and I only see them twice a year but that itself is ENOUGH to the point that their abuse scars until I see them again and receive abuse upon abuse.I am now healing myself slowly and have come to realise this is all in my control. Why should I bother pleasing my in laws anymore, cos I could be wasting my whole life, thats my choice. Infact this is perfect I have saved myself years of trouble Why should I boil my blood if my husband cannot see that they're not abusing me but HIS family i.e ME -I bet they laugh behind his back for a wus he's being I am much stronger than him cos I took all the shit from them, he would have melted away!! Next time should it happen I too shall laugh Number 3 and most importantly - why should I leave my husband? isnt that what my inlaws want anyways? Should I give them the pleasure, should I let them win? Now thats what would make ME the loser when I know they are the biggest losers Why should I not have kids with this man? Having kids with him is going to change his attention to the more immediate cos hello mister when you married me you left your family far behind, now I am your family and if you cant see that my kids are going to make you see it YOUR kidsMy battle has only just started, come out of that zone pls, your in laws dont exist, keep your friends and loved ones closer, stop pitying yourself, damage was done, you are a much stronger person, move on, look after yourself, you are as good as you feel! Good luck to you and the others and me too!
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2010): Wow. I see the answers span three years. It just goes to show how common this problem is. Many wives have this rediculous problem with their husbands and their inlaws. The resentment is unprovoked and usually it's out of simple envy. I put up and put up just for my husband who never stood up for me, until I just got up and got out of my inlaws lives while putting them out of my mind and my own life. I have an arrangement now with them where I have nothing to do with them. I don't go to their home and they don't come to mine. I don't associate. I have my own mom and sisters and brothers, aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces and nephews and my sons. Who cares what they think? My family loves me. I don't fight with the inlaws since we don't communicate at all. I don't hate them but I attribute this to just not dealing with them. I have never been happier. My husband had to learn to deal with the arrangement since I believe he had the opportunity long ago to prevent it. Too bad. Just forgive and forget and FORGET them. They still see thier grandkids/nephews but not me. My kids think I am the best thing since sliced bread and I don't entertain bad mouthing in my home. I leave that to the experts. I am just living happy and my huzzy loves me. This works for me though it may not for everyone.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2010): My husband uses his family's dislike of me (unfounded) to get at me himself and to pick on me. Like extra ammunition every time he goes to see them I dread it because I know he will return full of hate for me and the arguments will start - so even though I have avoided one lot of bullying by not attending family get togethers - he brings it home all the same. I have covered for my husband and his bad ways for too long - pretending he is a decent man. I'm not doing it anymore. Not all men are like this. I knew a man at work who told me that his own mother hated his wife (she was older and had been married before so the mother deemed her not good enough for her precious boy) so he told her clearly if she did not accept his wife he would not contact her any more. She would not accept his wife so instead of making his wife pay for it with arguments and stuff - he simply carried out what he said he would and has left his mother to face her miserable thoughts alone. To all the women out there who read these posts.... its time we reclaimed our sense of worth. Life is too short to be made to feel bad for being ourselves. I have a plan to break free - I am heartened to read of others who do too.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2010): My husband too won't stand up for me... If I ever complain about his mother or anyone who I feel disrespected me, he gets mad at me instead. I don't ever talk to his mother or go visit her anymore. I tried to get to know her at first but I realized that the problem is with her and I will not put myself in vulnerable situation where she can bully me. I let him know that she is not welcome at my home so she does not come and visit at all. It makes things easier when she is 3000miles away! I don't think I am going to stay with him. I feel that I deserve better and that there is no reason why I have to settle for a husband who would not stand up for me! If I have to defend myself against the world all alone, what is the point of having a partner of life time? Isn't marriage through good times and bad times we stick to each other and don't let others attack your love? I know for sure that I would rather be on my own fending myself rather than being with a loser who will watch me being attacked and bullied.... I am so done with him. Good bye loser!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2010): My husband doesn't stand up for me or our children. I already have self esteem issues and when my husband doesn't stand up for me, I feel as if I'm not worth standing up for. This is driving me crazy. I love him and we've been married for 18 years but I think I want to leave sometimes. I'm glad to know that I am not the only person who has in law issues. I have been made to feel like the issues are all mine.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2010): Omg, I never imagined anyone else might have a life like mine holly cow..You make me realize it will not change and trust me I understand the hurt. My husbands family got drunk at my wedding that they didnt want to come to. His real mother has never spoke one word to me in the almost seven years we have been together. Christmas she makes sure she gets anything that can only go for him, little does she understand my looks have not gone yet & when I explain what is going on she gets it in her ass. One year she gave my husband luggage & a card saying she wanted to take him anywhere he wanted to go,However it was just for him not for me & my three kids we had to stay home. His family won't come over when I am home but the second I'm gone they are at my home. I feel so hated & have been talked about a lot its sad I never did anything & my husband won't fight for me at all it hurts so bad..please lets keep in touch maybe it could help..
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2010): It is good to hear that I am not alone! My husband is from a large family which he admits is dysfunctional - probably as a result of his mother's undiagnosed bipolar disorder. In particular, the 2 sisters closest in age to him (twin and 18 months older)have made judgements about me that I feel are misguided, however both influenced other members of the family with their views.
As a result of their unkind gossip, after a short time of knowing my husband I could feel people literally turning their backs on me when I walked into a room during a family celebration. In contrast, I would have to watch my husband being dotted on by his sisters who would often remind me how close they all were and how blood was thicker than water.
It was not long before I began to dread any of my husband's family celebrations and would often find an excuse not to attend. This would naturally give my in laws more reason to find fault with me and my husband too felt that I was not making the efforts that seemed to be needed to improve my relationships with his family.
Over the last 15 years, since I first met my husband, he has slowly become more understanding of the way that his sisters treated me. As a result, he no longer speaks to one of them...this is not want I want but she completely denies that she has done anything wrong and seems even more angry with me now that my husband has tried to talk to her about things. As for his twin sister, my husband has tried to talk to her but with no success towards any resolution. I would be happy if she held out her arms and welcomed me into her family - she doesn't need to apologise for anything. But I get the feeling she doesn't want to welcome me into the family. I don't believe that she is really interested in a relationship with me or with our children...I think she is still trying to hang on to an exclusive relationship with her twin brother....but at what cost? He sees her less and less and has little respect for her. There is still a bond but it is not the special bond that it could have been.
If I had known how much pain I would have to endure before getting to this point I'm not sure that I would have stayed with my husband. So my advice would be, if this happens early on in your relationship, find out whether your partner is prepared to stand up for you. If not, call it a day.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2010): Hi all,
I am sorry to hear what you all have been put through. I too have suffered this to the extent that I was hospitallers and my mother in law bullied ne by turning the whole family against me, destroying my wedding day by changing all the decoration, askin my husband to choose me or them and using her money to buy my husbands love by taking him France along with his brothers and buying him stuff and as my husband works for my father in law threatininh to cut our wage any time he hel my hand or showed affection.. I could go on and on and shock you all but it's pointless girls.
You have to know that this is your life it's about you thus is your time. The mils have all got married and had kids and had their time don't prmit her to rob you of your time and yourfamily and your life.
I too had constant fights with my husband and our house turned into a hell but I woke up I snapped out of it this is what she wants!
DONT le her be the main focus of your marrige a MIL is just another human external to your marriage. Don't speak bout her next to your husband and always be respectful and nice to her ESP imfront of your husband. My husband changed after a year and a half of hard work from wanting to lisiten yo his mum and divorce me to remembring why he married me and our love. He finally stuck up for me after he kept seeing time and time again how I try and she is just a mean old lady.
Some TIPS:
- make your home peacful never speak bad about his family ever. There is a different way of getting your message across to some husbands. For example explain to him that the people he loves and who are important to him are also important to you. And when he sees that you are making genuine effort to make his mum happy he will start to see the truth that you are the victim and he will see what she is doing to you
- Also do not make it as YOUR mum did this and that No. Don't sepratr yourself. Always when you talk say WE. You should even say what should WE do for your mum so she doesn't get upset and how should WE invite her into OUR home etc... Even though Every1 in my husbands family hates me and doesn't even talk to me I still invited them to my house for lunch they came for 1hr and left and didn't say a word to me. But that just showed my husband how much I am trying for his sake and how selfish they are.
-Another important point. AVOID conflict. I learnt a trick every to
e someone trys to criticises or offend me directly or indirectly I get up and walk away I pretend I am going to the toilet or to make a call. This was I don't give them satisfaction of being rude or even a chance. I have more important things in my life other than listening to their crap and fighting about it. Cut it before it even begins.
-get your husband to stop focusing on this issue. His mum probably just wants her sons life to revolve around her. When you get him more invoved with his fiends, hobbys, make plans for the weeked and holidays, or involved in his work. He will be more involved in normal every day activity and stop thinking just about his mum. She will
get more angry this was but don't fall for her trap.
-make a lovely home avoid arguments of you can and don't speak to your husband when you are fighting. As soon ad a fight starts as much as it is painful walk away and come back when he is more calm. When you approach him explain you love him and always repeate that your marriage is good and he is a great husband note all his good qualities to him. The more you tell him this the more he starts to believe it and will start acting it. When the house is peacful you will enjoy eachother company andnhe will feel comfortable to come home and stay home. Everyone wants to be around happy positive people no one likes constant drama
- look after your self. Look after your looks, your career, your home, your other relationships with friends etc... This way you have a positive life And your husband will find it more attractive to be involved in your life. Don't put all your attention on him. The old trick everyone wants what they can't have is still around it may take some time for him to notice your exciting new life and how busy you are and how successful and busy you are. He won't know how to handle the shift!
- be a part of his life when you can. I.e be friends with his friends. When I met my husbands friends and their partners they straight away liked me and became close to me. Than when the trouble started with his mum his friends will always remind him how great his wife Is and how lucky he is to have her. You might not be able to control the family cause the mil has influence but the friends and co workers you can. Also being close with their partners ment we all spent alot of time together that doesn't include his family or MIL so there is a shift. The last thing you want is to be completly cut out of your husbands life. It balances things out when you at friendly and nice to his friends / co-workers etc. So atleast someone is telling your husband the unbiased view of things.
- be confident. I learnt that during the time my husbands family where attacking me and he wouldn't Stand up for me that I lost my confidence but I have family and a close group of friends that always reminded me of the good things about me and plus when I put my energy into work and my hobby I realised how successful I am and this built my self esteem. Now if any one trys to hurt me they know they won't get a reaction out of me because i don't care about anyone and they are worth nothing to me for me to care about. Not giving a reaction but asking your husband for ADVICE on how you can deal with this situation will make him realise you care and that you are a victim and that your too mature and busy to care about pitty things but u care enough about him to try and understand why the MIL will say something like that. Using specific examples shows that u u r not attacking her but u r trying to solve issues and it will bring the issue to his attention. Over time when he sees your effort and their attacking on a continuous basis he will be fed up!
There is so much more I could write but it will be too long I wish you all the best. I want you all to live happy lives and ignore these negative people focus on the positive and create a positive atmosphere at home and in your relationship and believe me it will all turn around.
This is not a overnight solution it took me a year to do and finally my husband stands by me (OCCASSIONALLY) but it's a start and I hav hope my relationship is getting better slowly and we r enjoying eachother company and realizing we are one. What happens bad to one of you happens to another
and lasts if you genuinely love your husband don't make him choose between his mum or you don't forget it is his my
try to see it from his point of view this is something that is only up to him. Try to not take notice of childish behaviour try to enjoy life and don't forget you live life once there is no second chances don't let your mil consume your life and take your happiness away from you don't even think about her!!!!
Also I will leave on a note don't forget no one is perfect. Some men have mother issues, others cheat, others lie, others physically abusive or emotionally everyone has faults. Now I'm not saying wides should put up with this but stay strong and the more your husband is attached to you or loves you the more he will change
make a note of all the good thing about him and your relationship. Try to appreciate the life you have if your healthy or live in a lovely home or financially well or have wonderful kids or god blessed you with great looks or you aconplished a great career and studies. Don't let negativity eat you away. You live once make the most of it.
If after all this you are still hurt than I am sorry for your pain and if you think it won't work this Is a wake up call don't let the circle of pain consume you I go back to say you live once and I would just cut my losses and move one the world is a big place filled with people only god knows what next. As they say when one door closes another opens
I wish you all the best if anyone has any issues write it I come on this website frequently.
Good luck ladies I hope this can help even one person I will be extremely happy:)
Love BELLA
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reader, Dani_101 +, writes (29 December 2009):
I am in the same boat as you all, my husband has no understanding of how his family makes me feel. I get along well with his parents, but it's his brother and his brother's wife who are problem in this scenario. His brother never liked from day one, his acts as if he doesn't want me around. I have been accused of keeping my husband from hanging out with his brother and friends. I have no problem with my husband hanging out with his brother, but if he is cheating on his wife (which he has in the past) I don't want him around. I have been talked about like I'm some unfit mother. I had a very active social life and liked to go out once or twice a month. So because of that I have been told I don't appreciate my family and been accused of cheating. I have never done anything that my husband hasn't already done. I just like to take the edge off once in a while like any healthy person. His brother's wife adding me to facebook and myspace to spy on me, and for what reason??!? If I had something to hide I wouldn't of added the nosey lil tart in the first place. She goes and looks at my pictures blowing things out of paportion, over analyzing every comment and caption. Let me tell you, this girl has absolutely NO LIFE at all! She got 4 kids, no job, no ambition to do anything constructive, nothing! I'm a friendly down to earth person who minds my own business. It hurts me that these people stoop so low to try and stir up some sh*t in my marriage. I got tired of all the accusations and decided to tell my brother and sister in law off. So my husband's brother called him up calling ME all kinds of b*tches. My husband was sitting on the phone agreeing with everything this man is saying about me. How could a man allow ANYONE to call his wife a b*tch?!? I'm wondering why am I even with him he has no respect for me to allow those people to treat me this way. A man is supposed to protect and love his woman not put her down and let others do the same. I feel like it's me all by myself against him and his family. He sits there on the phone talking to his brother's wife like she's his best friend. Not taking in account his brother can't even open his mouth to say "hello" to me. I told him he should treat his wife the he treats me. I feel like he is giving them the okay to treat me like sh*t. I am at my witts end with all this mess, I made up my mind I'm leaving in July. I can no longer live a lie!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2009): i feel your pain, and i can't stand it either...i have been with my husband for 7 years and hes has not once stood up for me against hiss alcoholic sister and no good mother...
he has allowed his sister to call me simple minded, acuse me of being lazy (i work ft and go to school pt)while shes on welfare, his mother once said that the reason why mom passed away from cervical cancer is b/c my dad cheated on her..(which he never has) my parents were married for 40 years..they pretend to be christians and acuse me of not beileivng in God..meanwhile they're taking advantage of the system..his mom is on disablity and she hasn't worked a day in her life!..she has litteraly been on welfare all her life..his sister is the same way..they have manipulated the church into sending them a food basket every month when they have left over food stamp money to carry over to the next month and they spend the food stamp money on junk like candy bars and chips...apparently the church made a mistake and was sending my SIL 2 baskets per month and she never even bothered to correct them...but yet im the monster...im the useless one..
to make things worst, my husband goes on to vent about me to his co-worker and come to find out his coworker told his sister (coworker 's sister) who told her friend who just so happens to work with me..things got around about how im this strict wife at my work place..i thought i was going to die and kill him too
i was so embarassed and upset..i still am..he made me out to be a fool...and here i am taking daggers to the heart from not only his family but his friends too..he says that he talked to his friend about that but who knows
ive asked him numerous times..why are u with me if you insist on allowing people to use me as doormat! ive told him so many times that when people put me down and when they disrespect me they are also disrespeting him...but all he says is that hes sorry and that he'll start to stand up for me more..but im sorry, the damage is done and i realize that although i love him so much..i hate that he is so weak..
its like "be a man and stand up for me already you coward!"
so since the other day i decide to stand up for myself..i called his sister and i told her that she was "a pathetic excuse for a mother who relies on handouts and exceptions, shes a fake, a phony and a drunk adn i refuse to allow her to make me feel bad about who i am anymore"
and to top it off, his mother wants to move in with us now..after all the bull crap shes given me..all the times shes mistreated me..she needs us..of coruse she does..and what did i do?..i said
"HELL NO"
my husband decided that at the moment he would side with me...so here i am...happy again..
so..she can just
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2009): I am going through, what seems to be, the exact scenerio with my fiance. Granted we have only been together five years, but still. His whole family hates me and I honestly have no clue why. Everybody I've ever met has liked me. Not trying to be cocky, but I'm a likeable person. It took me 21 years to finally be happy with who I am and it's still not good enough for my inlaws. My suggestions to you is to disregard them, completely. Any time your husband talks about them, do not reply. Any time there is a family outing, don't go. Live your life the way you want to live it. Don't let some assholes run it for you. Let them be miserable, and don't allow them to ruin your marriage. If they don't like you then obviously it pisses them off that you are married to their son, who you love. So screw 'em. You already won the battle. They are now just fighting with themselves. Hang in there. You'll be okay. :)
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female
reader, aliji786 +, writes (29 November 2009):
hi!i know how u feel and what u have been going thru bcoz ever since i got married i have been facing the same problems.may b u should talk to ur husband about it, try to explain him the whole situation.my husband use to be the same way too untill they ( my inlaws) humiliated me infront of him.now he stands up for me once in a while but this didnt change my inlaws a bit.instead this has made them more abusive towards me.now they blame me for changing their son too.i dunno what have i done wrong?becoz i have never been rude to them, even when they say bad things about me to other people, i just pretend that i havent heard anything. they always take their other daughter inlaw side and torture me emoltionally by either ignoring me or making me feel as if i am nothing even though i am from a much better family.u know what u shud talk to ur husband about it otherwise u will keep on blaming yourself.its not ur fault, u have tried everything.its just that u r too gud for them.be strong and dun let them let u down.u can always mail me if u feel down.tc
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female
reader, sweet_kind +, writes (2 October 2009):
hello Everyone!
Thank you for your answer 'namaste'...i just would like to update everyone on my current situtation since last time i wrote. I am currently in my 8th month of pregnancy. My husband and I are extremely excited and happy about our baby and can't wait! The in-laws have changed their attitude towards me tremendously, they are like totally different people, i guess it comes with the new addition to our family and am thinking that maybe they realized that our marriage is for 'real', especially now that we are expecting (since i was divorced and maried previously) So far things seem great, I still am not close to them but at least I am respected by in-laws more than i was before. My husband seems 100% behind me and things couldn't be better! I hope all of you find peace in life; my only suggestion would be to stay away if you have to or fight till you can. I noticed that since i started ignoring my husbands parents behaviour and not making any negative comments about them towards my husband, things also got much better. It makes our husbands feel that we accept his parents as they are and there is nothing we can do about changing them and therefore the husband (boyfriend) feels loved and respected and there is better understanding. Like 'namaste' mentioned we all need love, health and happiness! All the best to all of you!
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female
reader, Namaste +, writes (13 August 2009):
Hello Ladies,
How good to know that I am not the only one! On the other hand, how sad I am for all of us you have to deal with this kind of unnecessary stress.
It is so unfortunate to have to deal with selfish in-laws/ and or step-children.
My story is simple:
I am on my second marriage. The first marriage lasted for 6 years - until I came home one day after work, just to find a "Dear J." letter on the table. I didn't even know he had planed to leave me, we were planning on having a child, etc.....His mother had picked him up! He moved back with his parents. His mother was one of the meanest people I have ever met. She hated me for 'taking her little son' away...All I was longing for was a big family to share holidays and stories with. It never happened!
Then 7 years later I met my present husband. He had children out of a first marriage, which he started to contact regularly after he met me, since they lived in a different state. I also was excited about my new in-laws. He had told me such wonderful things about them.
Unfortunately, what I didn't understand in the beginning (10 years now) was, that once again I did not 'fit' in. They did not respect me at all, since I wasn't a "good Baptist church-going girl" and orignially born in another country.
They never talked nice to me about my husband either. I always tried to stand up for him. I felt that's what you do for the once you love!! He would only get mad at me for it. They knew that would happen.
Then once he asked me to cal his mother 'mom'..it would make her happy, he said. First, I didn't feel comfortable, but than one day at the dinner table surrounded by his family, I called her 'mom'. All hell broke loose! 'Don't you ever call me that again!!" I was stunt, hurt and in total shock...so was everyone else...But do you guys think, that anyone said something to my defense??!! To this day he says, that he was just as surprised as everyone else and speechless. What an excuse not to stand up for your wife!
His parents aren't nice people and very selfish. His mother never had to struggle in her life and looks down at people who have a hard time. She is a very greedy person, and will only give to the church. We had some tuff times, and they never check on how we were doing. Never ever wanted to come and visit us, which in the end is a good thing. She has nothing nice to say about her son. Though, my husband doesn't seem to get affected by their behavior."They are just like that", he says. 'There 80 years old, I can't change them".
There negative energy is not good in our life. I wish so much that he would understand that. People like that will put hardship on your relationship, because deep inside you know they don't want you to be part of their 'precious' family.
But why? What have we ever done to them, but love their sons...That is why!! We have been there for their son, which they haven't. So, they feel guilty. To remove the guilt, they want to alienate you! The only way to do that is to create conflict in your relationship with your spouse. He is going to feel stuck in the middle, if he doesn't have enough self-respect to choose. Man like that- unfortunately- do not have a lot of self-confidence and/or respect for themselves, due to their upbringing! Plus, they are scared of their parents. They have never grown up to a full 'man'. This has nothing to do with 'Respect for the Elderly'. It's more like: 'If I set them straight, I will end up being grownded..my parents won't love me anymore'. Guess what?! Would parents that love you unconditionally, really treat you and/or your spouse like that????! Feel sorry for your husband, getting mad will only make thinks worse for YOU.
My husband's kids do the same thing by the way.They are so mean. You have to feel sorry for them all! ("They don't know, what they do",,from the scripture of the bible).
Don't waist your energy on people like that. That's what they want you to do. If you have the opportunity, don't even bother with associating with them. Otherwise be civil, but cautious.
Always remember, that they want you to be unhappy with your husband.They are probably unhappy in their marital relationship.
Please don't give them the power.Laugh it off!!! You are so much more worse, and better than that! You are beautiful and need to respect yourself; and please don't waist your time with all that negative energy.
Love and Light to you all:):)Remember ;If you can't think good about someone, don't think about them at all...You need to stay healthy and happy!!!!!!!
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female
reader, sweet_kind +, writes (25 May 2009):
Hello,I have the same problem and totally relate to everyone. I have been married for about 8 months now and we are expecting our first baby. My in-laws have always been unsympathetic to me, they even tried to split my husband, boyfriend at that time and I from being together. Their main explanation was that i was married previously (no children). I cook, clean, am a hard worker and as all my friends describe the sweetest and kindest. People tell me that the hatered towards me is because of jealousy..which idon't quiet understand why? but anyways, i have been pushed around, mistreated by the inlaws especially the father in law...he tells me that he is not my father...i feel very unwelcome when i get together with them as they try to constantly put me down. I try to be strong and keep firm but i have a feeling if this continues i will tell them strongly something and it will get worse. I have decided to stay away from them, the only thing is now that we are expecting our baby, it actually might be better to stay away, as i am even scared for my baby and its health. I feel like i have kept up with so much but also feel like my husband doesn't stand up for me at all. It almost seems like he is scared to say something. I believe that because we are one now he should speak up for me and not let his father disrespect me. I have no idea what will happen now as i almost feel like my marriage is falling apart. We are almost 4 months pregnant and the put down and disrespectful comments i get from his family make me wonder if i ever want to stay in this especially that i see my husband not standing up for me. It might be that my marriage will be over if it continues as i don't feel like i can take it any longer...
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female
reader, JanetK +, writes (13 May 2009):
I am in the same boat, and my common law boyfriend has not behaved like a man and stood up for me. It is crazy. It is beyond disrespectful. I will never see them again; they are never welcome in my home; my space. My children however see them once a month (as they pay them off for their guilt for not seeing them often enough), which is a conflict as I feel if they don't like me (for their lack of understanding, judgment and insecurities) then they should also NOT be allowed to see my children. I mean really if they have "issues" that they have in fact created, (the SIL is due to her mental health), and I'm suspect to believe that they all have mental health issues. That is why I stand out like a sore thumb. They all disrespect each other and treat each other poorly. I was the 'brave' one to say this is not my cup of tea and not healthy. So I am odd man out because I have clarity and self-respect! Its something we have to accept and deal with - either stay or leave the man with no balls!!!
And yes, I really have no idea why I am still with my common law boyfriend. That's to be decided shortly.
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female
reader, Scorpian +, writes (30 January 2009):
I was suffering of same problem for 5 years of my marriage. After my marriage my inlaws moved to live with us in my house. They were not working and always showing telling my husband that their leg hurts and stomach hurt... However everyday they go for shopping and visit malls and kind of stuff. My husband was blind for all those stuff. Slowly slowly they start creating problems. and everyday my Sis-in-laws dinner and her kids are at my home after school. I start hating all this but my husband likes as his family was there. Becaus of extra expenses he took my car and i have lot of hurdles. my MIL and SIL make my life as hell.I had lot of arguments with my husband but everything is useless. We have no marriage life. On top of that my another two SIL with their family moved in my house. I feel like my house is a motel. They start getting mean. All go for shopping and left me at home for laundries and cooking. One day after 2 years i was so tired and told that as humanity I supported you all but not its too much you have to gou out of my house. All get together and my Fatherinlaw told me that they will not and my husband also support them and told that they wil not and you have to take care of them. I left home that day. Was very hard because then I went to my friends house in other state so i have start from begining. Find new job and everything.
Truely at that point I have no trust and respect for my husband. He use to call me tell me that come back my SIL will left house once they find apartment. As I don't have trust on him I didn't come back. But after 6 month all are out of my house so I come back. Now I have 3 month old baby boy.
I am just telling you that you have to stand back for yourself. Your husband will not understad value of your until you are with him and doing all his chores. Also if you are taking any steps ( IF you are stong enough to speak then speak to them and ready for arguments and be independent with money - When I left the problem I faced is imotionally and as we had joint accounts he took all money and I lost my job as i moved.)
My advise is stand up for yourself. -- tell your inlaws in front of their mouth that shut up and if you want to keep relationship with me and my child then behave-----I either don't like you.(Also talk to your husband- if this will continue for some time limit- i will stop relationship completely)--- It is better to keep no relation that unhealthy relation.
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female
reader, Karmajazz +, writes (14 December 2008):
Hello, I was interested to read your question and would like to add another dimension. I myself am having the same kind of problems. 7 years of marriage and a child too. His family have now declared they have tolerated me from the beginning but no more. But I am very lucky in the fact I have very intelligent friends who have helped give me perspective. Something we all need when the going gets tough. My husband has always been a doting son, a great drinking partner, the diplomat and an easy going brother to his family. These are all part of why I love him. But now life has changed. We have a mortgage, a young daughter and he has started a new business venture. Life is becoming challenging and some things had to give. His family was one of those things. Now the lies have started and the phone calls, telling him I never loved him.( amongst other things) I am realizing that there is actually nothing I can do to stop it. And as an intelligent friend of mine pointed out, I've done nothing wrong so why try. There is nothing my husband can do either. It is not his fault. He is as responsible for their behaviour as I am. The reason we try to tell our husband's they need to tell their family to stop it is so we can feel more in control. But it is an illusion. His family will still feel the way they do. We can never control a situation like this. We can only control ourselves. What we need to do is remember to stay strong within the marriage. If you are in a healthy relationship before the news of his family's dislike it may not be nice but it can be overcome. My husband did not tell his family off and I raged about it for weeks. But now I realize he did the best thing he could and just has not contacted them. AT ALL. To contact them now would be letting them think it was OK. Which it is not. Our families are important structures but when they are unhealthy we need to make a choice, do we let them infect a healthy relationship or do we step away? I leave you with this.God grant me the serenityto accept the things I cannot change;courage to change the things I can;and wisdom to know the difference. Whatever you conceive God to be, be at peace within yourself. They can't take that from you. Your husband loved you enough to marry you. Know that there is a plan.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2008): Hello and a huge hug to all these Ladies who are being subjected to this kind of unacceptable behaviour from weak and spineless men ! Goodness, i never did realise there were so many of them out there - i myself have one at home currently, although divorce proceedings are progressing ....my problem is his adult "needy" children,who hate me (treat him too with contempt) but of course, he worships the little darlings, which they are not ...... i do so agree, with every answer i have read, a man should protect and enrich his wife - when his children have grown up and gone, it is time for him to get on with his life - which does not mean, finding a replacement ie his Mother or another "Mother" for himself - sadly, it does seem, some men never learn the difference between a Mother and a Wife - My advice is simply this, find one that does !! I am reliably told they are out there and do actually exist - Ladies, thank you for your stories, you have made me feel so much less alone - be true to yourself, you are worth better - strive to achieve for yourself - stop serving his needs - leave him to it (if you can) with HIS dysfunctional family - YOU are worth better. Be brave, be strong and be true to yourself. He is weak, and failing you!We cannot all be wrong !! Remember That !!!!
Take strength. God Bless XXXXX Gladys
Gladys
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female
reader, Moonridge +, writes (12 August 2008):
My husbands family has hated me since day one. I have never done anything contemptuous to them. My husband has never stood up for me. Oh he claims he has, but no, he hasn't. While husband and I were on a vacation, his 20 year old daughter burned my bedspread, stuck gum on my sheets, and dumped my kitchen items in a box by the trash. My husbands response/reaction? He claimed to be the 'pickle in the middle'. BS - what he is is a man with no backbone. I flat out told him right up front - if you will not stand up for me, then let's just call it quits right now and file for divorce. You need to do the same.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2008): I have been with my husband for 10 years we have 3 kids and his family hates me! For the past 8 years I have not been allowed to step foot into their home. Holidays are the worst I get left at home alone while him and my 3 kids go spend time with his family. Mothers Day too! I tried to not let it get to me but I cant take it anymore why do they get to spend the time that I should have with my babies? I am ready to leave him! His family talks bad about me to my kids and he dont say anything to them! He dont stand up for me and I know its is not going to be pretty if I say something because after 8 years I dont have much to say we will just be fighting!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2008): hi my in laws are also pulling my family apart, to the piont that i really want to walk away from everyone. I have a child of 20 months who is the most beautiful thing, and i do not want to turn her world upside down. trapped! I know it is slowly eating away at my confidence and self worth, to the point that i am questioning me all the while and i cannot get on with my life. It is also turning my away from my partner, as i am angry that i married him and took this awful family on. Things would be so much happier without them all. I think i do the worng thing in being nice to them and doing thnigs for them. as it doesn't make them any better towards me. Can't do right for wrong, is this what life has to offer?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2008): I too have a similar situation, My in laws have always been completely horrible to me ( six years now) . I recently made a descision. I told my husband and i worte to my inlaws and told them not to contact me ever again. I explained to them that they are more than welcome to come to our house, just as long as i am out. I explained to my husband and i think there was a sense of relief. I love him dearly and he loves me but his parents constantly used him as a tool to try and upset me. After doing this i now feel liberated from the whole situation.
I suggest doing this, yes it causes short term problems but then it all dies down. Horay... for not havning anything to do with my inlaws!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2008): I too have been married to a man who has never, ever stood up for me. His entire family has used me as a scapegoat for 15 years. Thus I have entered into many a battle as a lonely army of one against their larger troop. Why do I stay?~two young children (the last of my four) that I would rather spare (at least until they're older) from seeing the inevitable hell that his family will inflict when we do part ways. I'm a strong person - I don't need other people to come to my defense, however, my husband's inability to stand by my side and show his support is unforgivable. He is witness to them screaming & cursing at me - and though he knows fully that they are wrong, he refuses to say anything. My advice to anyone who is newly married and experiencing this: GET OUT WHILE YOU'RE YOUNG. He's not going to change and the situation will continue. Eventually new family will become involved.... it's a vicious cycle. I stay away from all of his family functions. It protects my sanity and there's no one missing me. A mans duty as a husband is to protect and honor his wife. Unfortunately my husband doesn't do either, making me wonder: Who exhibits more inappropriate behavior, my husband or his family?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2008): i can relate to you fully im actually going thorugh exactley the same thing my husband dont stick up for me infact i get called racial names!! ans they try to put my husbands children against me!! and i have an x wife to deal with and a sister, i am at breaking point i understand fully but make sure you have a child for him cause it will come to a fact where he will have to choose his parents or his wife and kid and they are not going to be around forever!!! good luck
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2008): Please tell your huband you love him and tell him you know how he feels about you but some of his familys statements hurt you alittle because your his wife and tell him to say without causing a fight like she my wife so she must be special or you must not really know her she live with me and cooks good meals and always comes home. This should cool thier heals they might even be jealous of the relationship you have with your husband because they are so unhappy.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2008): It has been 8 yrs together, 2 beautiful children later, one engagement ring, zero wedding, and numerous lost holidays and wrecked family memories- i know exactly what you are going through..he tells me he loves me every day, i still wait however for 2 things more important than love- RESPECT and HONESTY. i have lost trust in him..he always picks his family over me..i see it will never change, i want to leave him because i find it hard to say I LOVE YOU..what kills me is thinking that if i do, someday he will give that RESPECT and HONESTY to someone else and be happy cause his family will probably support whatever woman he finds after me and will make sure that he is happier and that everything was my fault, then i am scared they will turn my own daughters against me, or win their favouritism with spending money on them.. is this screwy or what?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2008): I have a plan. I realized several years ago that my relationship with my husband is a pipe-dream. He continues to put up with his father's unacceptable behavior and to continue the disfunctional relationship with him in order to have the material existence he wants (thinking that he is helpless without his father). My father in law takes full advantage of his power over my husband, but my husband allows it and I've lost respect for both. My husband is a hard worker and not once has his father thanked him for volunteering to help him on the farm.Years ago, my husband's father left my husband's mother for her good friend (a friend that has the behavior of a sociopath). Since then, he has chosen to abandoned all of his children except for my husband (who will jump at his request) and for his new wife, who is a definate gold-digger and horder. I realized these people including my husband are all greedy. And I'm ready to move away and onward. I admit, now that I've done some hard work reading the right books, I recognize that I've stayed way too long in this relationship. My husband and I have kids who have been brought up in it too. They've also been hurt by my messed up father in law (shame on me). eg Our son, an adult, quiet, responsible, on his own, decided to rent a house from my husband's father thinking they would be kind like my parents are (for god's sake he is his grandfather). My son didn't expect to be treated any different than any other renter--he paid his rent on time and kept to himself. However, soon after he moved in, he was attacked by my husband's stepmother's lab-pitbull dog. It came over and attacked him on his own porch, it grabbed hold of his hand ripping it into shreds - his fingers requiring an emergency room visit for stitches. My father-in-law's wife appeared to be more worried about the dog, and mad because we had to hit the dog in order to get it to let go of his hand. A month later my father-in-law (husband's father) tells my son "I am the landlord and landlords are God -- I want you to move in thirty days"--he said it so matter of factly, no expression, no concern. Needless to say, my son was shocked, hurt beyond repair! I was shocked! My husband was shocked! Everyone was shocked that found out. I can't believe my husband would continue to have a relationship with his father after he allowed a dog to attack his own son and then on top of that evict him. I can only believe that everything happens for a reason and so it came to be that my son has moved on and lives in his own place now and is doing very well - is very happy. But every Christmas since, my in-laws bring us all these gifts and it feels really weird since we don't really get-together during the year and my husband is the only one that keeps in contact with them.I know you should forgive others, but this really made me believe my plan is right on. I am almost at the point of saving my money where I can leave. Needless to say, I am planning to leave my husband and his messed up family. It was bad enough that I allowed it, but when having a bad relationship affects my children... that's when you know something needs to happen. I am not going to be revengeful. I believe the best revenge is to go on and live a happy life. I won't be a doormat though and I believe some people are/will always be toxic,--- they'll never get it... and I believe some events are really hard to heal, and when others say, "But he's family you should include him!" ...they just don't know.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2007): My situation is quite similar. I was married 4 and half years back to someone who so to say loves and respects me a lot.
The moment I got married my husband's family (mother-in-law, father-in-law, sister-in-law and her husband) starued abusing me and my family. My family went back but as long as my husband's family stayed with us (4 days) my life was alivinh hell - abuses being hurles, derogatory remarks, names called, just short of beating. My husband said he is helpless because these people were his guests. After 4 days they went back to their places. Three months later my mother-in-law and father-in-law came to stay with us for a week. It was once again horrible.
For 3 years, I refused to see them. But life was none better. My husband was very hurt, very angry with me because his parents were hurting. He kept arguing, pressurising me, asking my family to influence me to make things better with his family. He even told me that his parents regret what they have done (this was a lie I came to know). Finally, I gave in and went to his parents house last year. Father-in-law did not create much problem but mother-in-law did her best in a lesser way. They said they will now visit us in 2 months time.
Few months back mother-in-law and father-in-law came to our place. And I was abused badly. It was horrible. My husband silently watched as abuse was hurled at me by his parents. They went away but ai am so hurt and angry, my husband and I have had numerous arguments. He says they are his parents and he cannot leave them whatever they do. He has told me that this situation is non-negotiable and I have to accept it and get on with life. He continues to talk to his parents and behave with them as if nothing has happened.
I am finding it very difficult to accept this and cope up. I have been clinically depressed for the last 4 years, gave up medication few months back because we thought we should start a family now. Only I resent everything so much and find it difficult to love or respect this person I am married to.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2007): Your husband will most likely never stand up for you if he hasn't already. You can choose to either (1) leave him or (2) just ignore it and move on. You might try therapy, but if after 18+ years he doesn't stick up for you I doubt he will. Please know my heart goes out for you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2007): I am in a similar situation. I am recently married (about 8 months now) and my in laws hate me because I don't cook. I clean, work full time, and do other things around the house, plus go to school to further my education (I already have a master's degree) but they focus on the fact that I don't clean. My husband does not stick up for me either. We have argued about this and he states he does stick up for me when I'm not around (and their talking about me behind my back). Of course, I want him to stick up for me when I'm there! I loved all the responses here and am definitely taking divorce as an option. For now, I am waiting to see if things improve.
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male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (25 May 2007):
 It is a man's responsibility to stand up FOR his wife against his family if need be. He is failing in that job. There is no question about that.
-FBK
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2007): How have you tolerated this BS for such an incredibly long time? I can only imagine how heartbreaking this has been for you. My heart goes out to you, hun. Some people can open their hearts to anyone coming into their family, and some just simply refuse to do this. Your parent's-in-law’s behavior is blaming, judgemental, and has been extremely disrespectful and abusive, to you They sound like a unhappy people who like a power position in this family and feel entitled to 'tear' others down. People like this are broken people. It's no one's job, to keep peace with them. They alone are responsible for thei r own reactions and responses to family. Now--about your husband. He is not acting like a loyal, partnered man. He does not respect you...one of the most crucial foundations for a happy, long marriage. A man polices his family boundries; he does not speak ill nor does he allow his family to treat his wife, in such a disparaging manner. He made a vow in marriage, to honor and protect you. I can fully understand why you have not had children with him..why put innocent children through that horrid emotional work out, in their young lives.life. Sometimes when people, that are this cruel and dysfumctional, as your in-laws are...they quite often will make the children suffer because they are 'your' children. You husband has failed you, deeply and I am so sorry.
So I do agree with the other advice. Walk away from this. But you need to heal from the great suffering you have endured. Try to make sense of this by talking to a counselor. You need some support because, in effect have been badly emotionally abused and worn down by this family. The best you can do is be detached but polite when you around his family-but avoid them at all costs, if you can. I am in shock...what kind of weak man does this to his own wife ? Get to that counselor...seek some understanding and then make a decision that will enable you to live a life where you will finally get your self-respect back. Sadly, you won't find it with his family, thanks to your uncaring, spineless husband. The longer you are exposed to all these toxic people, you will feel undervalued more and more. Frankly, your husband owes you a huge apology and he deserves to be taken to task, for the damage he has contributed to. And he needs to learn not to ever, allow his parents to yank him around like this. The damage has been done at the cost of your self-value. This is irrepairable. Again, I am quite shocked and I am sorry for the pain you have endured for so long.
Carry on, dear and realize..sometimes there is no life without pain. We have all been there in one way or another. I am just feeling badly that you endured this for so long. But understand we all take that pain, we experience, we survive it and we grow, instead of allowing it to take us down. Take what has happened and make sure this does not embitter you. Because the measure of you as a valuable, loveable, good woman is the very fact, you would never, ever cause pain like this to others. That alone, is what makes you special. Hang in their, hun..I'm with you all the way. Take care.
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female
reader, Sweet-thing +, writes (24 May 2007):
 To answer one of your questions, no men do not usually take their parents side, especially when the woman they love is being battered the way you have been. You never mentioned what your husbands reaction has been when you've told him how you feel. What does he say? That it's all in your head? It sounds like it's both his parents, or is it just his mother? Some men who have over-bearing mothers have difficulty standing up to them. It could be that his desire to please them exceeds his desire to please you. When a man marries, he leaves his family (in a sense) and clings to his wife. He has shown that he has no backbone to continue to allow his family to treat you this way is unreasonable. I would consider divorcing him because he is failing to defend, honor and protect the woman he married and that alone will continue to erode your feelings for him. I wish you the best.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (24 May 2007):
 You need to ask yourself whether you are better off with or without him. That means emotionally, physically, and financially. If the answer is "without" then separate and start the divorce. You are the only one who can make this decision.
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male
reader, DV1 +, writes (24 May 2007):
 If your husband isn't willing to go to bat for you, and defend your honor, you need to walk away right now. A husband's job is to protect his wife and be good to her. If he's not, divorce him and find someone better.
DV1
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