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female
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anonymous
writes: my husband of 3 years started going onto porn sites about 6 months ago - some of which were teenage porn sites, which disturbed me as i have a 13yr old daughter (he is her step dad) he was also having online chats with the porn women on a stumble site. this caused massive agruments in which he accused me of being paranoid and was angry i had gone on his computer without him knowing.He states all the girls are over 18 but the ones i saw he had been looking at appeared very underdeveloped for 18 year olds. He has since changed his passwords and downloaded a file removal system so i cannot access anything he has looked at or deleted as it wipes it off his hard drive.He started college last September, and has made 'best friends' with a woman about our age. who is in an unhappy marriage. They go out every Friday lunch for drinks, went down to London on a conference together and after went for a meal and bought a bottle of wine to drink together on the train on the way back, they send each other home made compilation CDs in the post, regular e.mails and text messages (like every day). the other week i was off work and suggested i went with him for the drink with her, he said he would have to ask her if this was ok!!! she wanted to know why i was going too!!! I am becoming more and more convinced he has little or no respect for my feelings and i don't know if i see a future in our relationship.I don't trust him and am constantly suspicious of what he's doing on the computer and what his relationship with this woman is or where it is going.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2007): He is most definantly cheating, my sugestion is that you gather you thoughts and make palns to leave. There is no question about it he is a cheater.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2007): He is not respectful of your feelimgs - that is if he is innocent. If not he is a w*****. Go to councelling or dump him. Either way you are too important to feel this bad!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2007): The other woman and the porn are irrelevant. If you can't trust him, it's already over.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2007): Was he like this when you first went out with him? Or has he now started to show the real him. He doesn't appear to care if he hurts your feelings and perhaps you need to step back so you can see the situation very clearly.
Your husband doesn't sound very mature does he? And doesn't seem to understand what makes a good partnership.
You do need to talk to him and explain how you feel and ask him that if you behaved like him how would he like it?
After that I'm afraid it all boils down to what you are prepared to put up with.
Regarding your daughter's welfare, just explain to her that if anyone, and you mean ANYONE, acts improperly towards her you want to know, so she can tell you and you will listen and support her especially if they try to blackmail her into silence.
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reader, lucy +, writes (25 June 2006):
argh you poor thing, he doesnt appreciate you. You deserve so much better. Tell him EXACTLY how you feel. He has been completely disrespectful, so i suggest that you tell him to pack his bags and leave if he is not willing to change. xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2006): And create to him the idea that something has definitely changed in you and the suspicion that you may be started seeing someone else as well!For instance when he will start be asking you where have you been never give definite and precise anwers to him.eg you can simply say ``I was at a cafe``, ``a restaurant`` , ``the shops`` but nothing more than that.He might also start asking you with whom and in this case you will say again ``with friends``but nothing more than this.And continue with these strategies as long as you can showing him indifference, mystery about yourself and creating questions in his mind.For I think, that what would really wake him up is a change in you and the idea that he may be at risk of losing you rather than the great opportunity of escape that you would give him if you go straight for a divorce!I hope that my suggestions would help so as to make him wake up before it`s too late.Follow them and no matter what don`t break them.If you need any further assistance you can contact me.I really want to help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2006): This man really doesn`t respect you or appreciate you.He also seems to be stubbornly following his own ``ways`` and be hiding from you like a child.Personally I believe that he should be ashamed of himself!Now what you should do?Well the matter here seems to be really difficult and you must be prepared to keep all your patience.Also this close involvement he has with this particular woman is very suspicious and I would say(sorry for this)that he may be cheating on you.What you should do first is really think if you really want to be with such a person and if you really love him!This is a very basic question that you must ask yourself.In the case that you find out that you still love him(though I don`t think that anyone can love a person who doesn`t trust anymore for too long)then you should try and do the following:first of all you should try and remind him the reason for which he has married you in the first place.I don`t know how long you have been married, nor what his age is.Than would mean that if you have been in any way neglecting yourself or your appearance in order to serve him to start looking after them as much as you can! Secondly, since he purposely refuses to understand what you have told me, I don`t think that if you should try again he should change his present attitude towards you.The one solution of course would be to follow the advice of some other readers and go straight for a divorce.That would either wake him up or give him the perfect chance if he is having an affair with this other woman to get out of his marriage really easily and with your help.The other solution would be to try to give him some lessons that it would be hard for him to forget!But this would demand a great amount of strength and patience on your part as well as a kind of very good acting towards him!What I mean by this?I mean that you should try and follow some strategies and never break them as long as it takes,thinking from now on with your mind and not with your heart!First and as I said above look after yourself and take care as much as you can for your appearance.Try to be as beautiful and as sexy as you can.Secondly:start practising pure apathy or mild indifference towards him and towards his actions!Also start immediately acting in a very mysterious and unexpainable way that he wasn`t used to before:e.g start ignoring him, going out with friends, constantly looking after your appearance
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2006): i think he has feelings for this other girl. i also think that its natural to look at porn but why would he be looking at it if he has you? i would definetly not trust him and tell him if he doenst change you dont want to be with him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2006): Geez, dear..sorry to say this but...he sounds like a pervert and a major porn freak. He's a man, you and your daughter could do without. This other woman may be doing you a big favor getting this ass 'out of you and your daughter's life'. Protect her, she comes first. I would send him on his way but get to a lawyer first and make sure, you are protected legally and know all your rights.
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female
reader, carebear  +, writes (24 June 2006):
 take the fuse from the pc tell him to quit collage and get a job then he might start acting like a grown man instead of drinks at lunchtime with collage buddy and viewing porn websites and chatting on pc has he got nothing better to do ifnot throw him out and start divorce prceedings mabe that will give him a big wake up call if you want him back sorry to be blunt but he sounds like he's not taking your feeling into consideration and is blatently telling you not to go on his pc he's hiding something plus he had to ask his friend if you could jion them for lunch your his wife and she ask why you were comming to!! put uour foot down big time case if you don't he will just keep going further and further and where will it end how much more are you going to put up with you need to make a stance for your own sanity
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female
reader, matron +, writes (24 June 2006):
 Get rid love you are worth more than that. He is being selfish, arrogant and not considering your feelings in any of his behaviour. I wonder how he would react if it was the other way round, have you asked him?
He is very immature and self-centred to be acting this way with a step daughter in the equation, you cant let it continue, he will destroy any self-esteem you have left. You have a right to know what he is up to, you are his wife not house-keeper. Tell him exactly how you feel and if he still doesn't understand then please call it a day. Take time to get your life back on track then go out have fun and meet people who do care and respect you. good luck x
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