A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:This is probably going to sound really pathetic, but I’m really anxious that now my autistic boyfriend seems to have found his feet in the world and is more confident in himself he’s going to cheat or leave me for someone else. He’s just completely changed and whilst I’m really happy for him I’m not sure if I can handle it.His autism/asperger’s had always been an issue. He’s not got it severely and has always been able to stand on his own two feet, but it had really hampered him socially. He was always painfully shy and socially awkward. We met 7 years ago at University when we were both 19 and I really fancied him from the off, even though he was so nervous around me. I just found it cute. I spent weeks flirting and dropping hint after hint that I liked him but he could never really take any hints, but it’s a trait of Asperger’s. One night at a party I asked him as blunt as anything if he wanted to kiss me and go to bed with me, and finally he got it. It was his first time ever with a girl and he really didn’t have a clue what he was doing and was shaking with nerves, but I couldn’t have cared less. Our relationship blossomed from there. Now 7 years later I’m still his one and only and we love each other so much. We’re currently trying to buy our first house together.I’ve always felt really sorry for him because he’s struggled to make and maintain friendships his whole life, even when he was a kid and especially when he was a teenager. He was just so shy and so quiet and fully admitted he was a loner in school. Even as an adult he couldn’t really make friends. I’ve always had loads of friends and can think of countless times when I’ve taken him out and introduced him to my circle of male friends in the hope that he could build something with them but he’d never been able to really hold a conversation with them. At social events especially he’d always get really anxious and barely leave my side the entire time, which again is a very, very common autistic trait. But now he’s changed and it’s all coincided with him bulking up at the gym. Before he was really boyish and skinny but now he’s got himself a really chiselled, muscly physique. It’s incredible seeing how much more confidence and belief he has in himself because of it as well, and how much more sociable he’s become because of it. To be honest when he first told me we was joining the gym I never thought he’d stick to it but to his absolute credit he’s put in the hard work and dedication and it’s paid off for him. He’s even managed to make friends with a group of lads who go to the same gym and they go to the pub together all the time. It’s great to see him so fit and healthy and with friends in his life at last. I’ve also never been more attracted to him. I’ve honestly lost count of the amount of times I’ve started feeling him up whenever he takes his top off. One time last week I jumped in the shower with him because I couldn’t resist his sexy body, even though I’d already had a shower that day.Being brutally honest; the fact that he’d always been so shy and awkward kind of put me at ease and felt like my comfort blanket when it came to other girls. I’ve never seen him get the slightest bit of attention from another girl since I’d known him because of how he was and knew deep down he didn’t really have the know-how or confidence to approach or talk to other girls even if he wanted to. But now with his new-found confidence I’m beginning to worry that he will. The perfect example of why I’m having these thoughts is my sister. Now first off, I’m not for one second saying that there’s anything going on between them, nor do I believe either of them fancy each other. But to put it bluntly: He was always really intimidated by her. My sister is very loud and very boisterous, feisty, has a short temper and is very blunt and to the point as well. She’s not the easiest person to get on with as it is but her and my boyfriend were always polar opposites. 9 times out of 10 she’d have eaten him alive. I could just sense how nervous he’d get whenever he had to speak to her. But now all those nerves and that intimidation towards her has completely gone. She came round to our flat the other day and whilst I was in the kitchen making the coffees I could hear them laughing and joking together. And he’d never been like that with her before. It really shocked me just to see how relaxed and comfortable he was with her now. I just thought ‘is this man really my boyfriend?’ It was really fantastic. But of course little old me could only find the negatives.If he’s no longer intimidated by my sister of all people and has actually managed to finally make some friends then talking to others is going to be a doddle for him surely? Again this must sound completely pathetic and selfish. I should be happy that he’s taken this gigantic leap in his life but I can’t help the way I feel really. Given the choice I’d honestly rather have him go back to the way he was before; shy and awkward and really skinny. Because he’d be all mine. I just love him so much I don’t want any other girl to even look at him. Again, it sounds really wrong but it’s just how I feel.We’re going on a cruise together next year and as much as I’m looking forward to a once-in-a-lifetime holiday I’m bracing myself for him to start getting more and more female attention. And why wouldn’t he get it? A hunky guy walking around a pool or on a beach in just his swimming shorts would be a dream to a lot of girls, whereas if he still had his previously boyish and skinny body then it would be less likely. I know I’m not overthinking it either. We were on a night out last week in a pub and I could tell it had already started. Whilst he was stood at the bar I could see a group of girls looking at him and giggling to themselves. I could one of them was being egged on to go and talk to him as well. I can remember seeing the disappointment in her face when he sat back down with me, I.E. showing that he wasn’t single. Do I trust him? 100%. He’s told me in the past he couldn’t imagine being with anybody else and always felt like I was the only person who’d ever understood him in life and appreciated who he was. But deep down I’ve always been the jealous type. Really I’ve not helped myself either. I’ve put on a few pounds over the years and gotten quite chunky compared to how I was 4-5 years ago. And I’m not one for doing exercise either. So obviously I’m now paranoid of skinnier, more curvy girls now. The green-eyed monster inside me has well and truly been unleashed. I know it’s really not healthy, how can I control it?
View related questions:
confidence, flirt, jealous, shy, university Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Alwin  +, writes (3 September 2021):
 Girl, I think you should work on your low self esteem, why do you think that he would leave you just because now he's apparently desirable to other people and not so shy, why wouldn't someone who's apparently desirable not want you back? You must have your qualities too if he's been with you for so many years, you think he was with you because he didn't have a choice/ couldn't get anyone better? Probably not, stop selling yourself short and thinking that because he's more confident now he won't want you anymore. "Given the choice I’d honestly rather have him go back to the way he was before; shy and awkward and really skinny. Because he’d be all mine. I just love him so much I don’t want any other girl to even look at him." THIS is quite worrying you know, if you love someone you want them to feel better, be better, live their best lives. No one stays th same, everybody changes , you're lucky your bf became hotter, ENJOY IT. NOW I'm not saying that he will never leave you, because like I said people change and specially in their 20s and that's just part of life, if I were you I would start to work on yourself like he did, maybe seek some therapy to work out your self esteem issues, if you don't like to exercise but want to lose weight, eat healthier, after all caloric deficit is what makes you lose weight.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (2 September 2021):
 This is entirely something going on in your head.
I think you should be PROUD of him. And yourself. Because he wouldn't have gotten to this point without you. He is trying to be a better MAN for you. And for himself. That is COMMENDABLE! He isn't doing it for some "pick up artist bullshit notion" - he is finding himself, maturing and growing as a man and a person. THAT is AWESOME!
Yes, you have been together for 7 years so there IS the possibility that EITHER of you seek "greener pastures" - "the 7-year itch" is called that for a reason - sometimes it happens at 5-6 years or 8-9 or 10.. but it does happen. People get USED to their partner, life becomes more routine, it's kind of normal. In your case, your partner has done some SERIOUS self-improvement so the status quo is changed. YOU have to adapt.
I also want to point out that you do sound a little patronizing. Like he was your "ugly little pet" and because he wasn't a hunk he was safe to date... That says a LOT about you. And not anything really nice.
If you are unhappy with YOUR weight gain, Do like your BF and go work out. Don't shit on him or presume he will cheat.
Be the BEST you - you can be. And ENJOY a BF that is trying to be the best MAN he can be too.
You need to tame this "green-eyed monster" - jealousy isn't a pretty trait and not a "monster" YOU want to feed.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2021): He has overcome some of his social obstacles; and now it is your turn to overcome your feelings of possessiveness and insecurity. You've basically trivialized his hard-work down to nothing more than conceit and narcissism. Superficial.
It's sad that you liked him better when you felt his social-disabilities made him more controllable and emotionally-dependent. When you felt comfortable about your own insecurities; and didn't have to worry about him realizing his own confidence and individuality. You even admit to jealousy and a certain amount of possessiveness; wanting him all to yourself. You seem spoiled by it.
My dear, none of the above is a healthy attitude. You don't own other people like personal-property; and you don't take advantage of their weaknesses or disabilities. I'm not trying to put you down or judge you harshly; but I want to draw your attention to the unhealthiness in your behavior, that could possibly hurt what seems to be a very good relationship you have. You may try to throw a wrench into his progress at overcoming his social disorders; and managing the drawbacks of his autism. That's his objective. Not to leave you behind.
You're now forced to face your own "perceived" flaws. Weight can be lost, if that's what makes you insecure about your own body or sex-appeal. Everybody needs exercise and proper nutrition. That is not a fad or pursuit in vanity. It's health-consciousness. You need to work on your own sense of confidence and body-image; when you've been set such a wonderful example by someone with autism/Asperger's Syndrome. Now your laziness has become more apparent; if compared to the hard-work and strides of someone else. The same success is available to you; but it seems you were the reason he has improved. Not just the gym. You pushed him, exposed, and included him; even when he felt awkward. Don't you recall?!! Stop only seeing things from a superficial perspective.
If your feelings about him are becoming insecure due to him making strides of improvement; that is a clear indication it is time to work on yourself. Jealousy will manifest itself in ugly ways; and in the worst kinds of behavior. It will cause you to sabotage your relationship; assuming things are going to end badly anyway. Nothing is worse than self-fulfilling prophesy. People destroy or sabotage their relationships afraid of what could "possibly" happen; and completely lose track of all reason, and realization of what is true and real. Instead of unsubstantiated-fears, conceived in their own imaginations!
I don't believe just having a good-body is all there was to your boyfriend developing self-confidence. It was his commitment and dedication to self-improvement. He decided to step outside the box; and overcome all his shortcomings, and it paid-off. Autism doesn't completely stop growth and progression in the development of those who have it. They learn their potential just like anybody else. No-one has the right to set their limitations! You should appreciate his accomplishments; otherwise, your jealousy will compel you to attempt to try and undo what he has worked so hard to accomplish. Just because you don't feel in-control of his feelings; or can't hide what you feel are your own flaws. He must have felt you deserved more from him than what you were receiving. He leveled the playing-field in a sense; but he also improved his contribution to the relationship. Being more sociable, by removing his awkwardness in social-situations; and developing outward-friendliness, in order to make friends of his own. You don't own his soul.
You are aware and cognizant of your jealousy; that means you can work on it. You might feel inclined to try and change him back to what he was by putting him down or discouraging him; it would be better if you worked on yourself instead. It's cruel and selfish to wish misfortune or failure on others; because you don't want to push your ambitions or set your own goals. Maybe because you're too lazy to work on yourself. Has he criticized you for being who you are, or how you look? How could you find comfort in "possessing" someone you thought nobody else wanted, and who was too disabled to do to any better? He's still with you; because he wants to be, until he doesn't. Just as you may not always want to be with him. Don't push-it, or rush-it; or you'll regret it!
That's what it boils down to; but he told you he still loves and cares about you. You're already imprinted in his heart. You're the one who stuck by him all this time.
Maybe you just don't realize that. Sweetheart, you're his inspiration; and the person who has always stood by him. That accounts for more than you're appreciating.
Jealousy lies to us!!! It's a major cause behind breaking people up!!!
Insecurity and distrust KILLS RELATIONSHIPS!!!
...............................
|
