A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:OK. I will try to make this story as short as possible while including all the pertinent details.Me - I am 32 years old, divorced, and have a 5 year old daughter that I share custody of. I work and support myself and her.Him - 32 years old, divorced, and has 3 kids, an 11 year old boy, and two daughters, 9 and 8. He works 12 hours a day, 6 days per week. He has full custody of his kids. Their mother signed custody over to him per his account. Problem: Everything was going great in the beginning. I was fine with seeing him only a couple of days a week. He seemed to be a wonderful father because all he could really talk about were his kids. We would go out and have a great time and the rest of the week spend time with our kids without each other. However, all of a sudden he said that he didn't feel that he was ready for a relationship and that he was rethinking it. About this same time I was in a car accident where I broke my back. He refused to come see me at the hospital because he was with his kids. He had already told me at this point that I would never come before his kids and I realized how true that was at this moment. I had no one else with me in the hospital and when I told him about it he was non-chalant. He ended up cutting off contact after that day.Then, about 2 weeks later he texted me asking for forgiveness. I told him immeditely that I forgave him. I truly did forgive him and we started back the way we were. This time he told me that he was never going to let me go again and that he wanted me to meet his kids. I said OK. I went and I ate with his kids and started getting to know them. He wanted me there each night. The problems started at about this time. First of all, I found out that his kids still sleep in the same bed with him. Please remember that they are 8, 9, and 11 years old. I was given the couch to sleep on. He would start off sleeping with me at night, but it turns out that his 8 year old cannot sleep through the night without her dad. She would eventually wake up and come get him off the couch. That's where he would stay the rest of the night.I started talking to him about having his kids still sleeping in the same bed with him. He said he didn't see the problem with it. Even when I got sick with bronchitis and the fact that I broke my back didn't persuade him to let me sleep in the bed with him. Please understand that there are 5 total beds in his house. It's not like there wasn't enough space. About this point he would tell me that I could control my depression if I just "tried harder" and that I was using my bronchitis as a "handicap" to not have to get out of bed. He assured me if I would get up and exercise I would feel better. He refused to come see me when I was sick because that would cause him to "go 20 minutes" out of his way to go pick up his kids. One night we were having a fight and his daughter called and he put down the phone and announced he was going to go pick up his kids. He didn't care that I was sitting there crying like a baby. Once I told him that there was no one on this earth that was better than him. He laughed and told me there were people on this earth that were better than me. We had to go upstairs and play with the kids for at least 2 hours when I came over and while I was sick with bronchitis, he became upset with me because I didn't smile enough and he felt his kids might take that as a sign I didn't want to be around them. When I asked them if they had vocalized this to him he said they had not. I told him again I was sick. Around this time I started having a lot of pain in my right abdomen area and I lost my job. (NOT A GOOD YEAR!) I had started making cakes and cooking for all of them. I repeatedly asked him if there was any way at all I could help him out by doing dishes or the laundry. He told me that he did not want my help at all. He said if he couldn't do it all himself, then he did not deserve to be a dad. I told him that it might possibly help him be a better dad since he would be less tired if he let me do some of it. He refused.I then introduced my baby girl to them and she fell right in with his daughters. I was making a great connection with the kids. They loved and even asked for me to come over. He almost seemed to resent that. It was like he couldn't stand me taking any attention away from him. When I asked him if it made him happy that I got on so well with his kids, he said that it just really made him sad for their mom. I didn't know what to say about that since I was there and entertaining his kids and she was not. He said that she was a bad parent because she wouldn't play with them as much as they wanted and she would not sleep with them at night. Frankly, I think for their ages, they should be able to entertain themselves and sleep in their own beds at night. He would always tell me I didn't understand how traumatized they were by the divorce (happened in 2006) and the fact that they hated going to their mom's parent's house because no one would play with them and no one would sleep with them at night.He also felt that he was the only one that could care for them when they got sick. He said their grandma would only "give them cold medicine and put them on their way" and that more care should go into it than that. I would talk to him about how dependent he was making his kids on just him, but he would fight with me about that. He said that he is raising them to be responsible members of society, but frankly, when I went over there, they couldn't go for more than 2 minutes out of his sight. We had to play with them, watch whatever they wanted to watch, and we all slept together at times. Once, after he put his kids to bed in his bed, I asked him why he didn't care any more about me than he did since I had bronchitis and was going to have to sleep on the couch. He snapped at me that he had already told me I would never ever come before his kids and that I should have gotten the message now that I never would. I walked out. He had been telling me how very much he loved me, how I was the love of his life, how we were going to buy a house together, how everything was going to be perfect and he made me feel so safe that I brought my child into it. It all came down to it one night after I was telling him a story and he interrupted me to show me a move on his video game. I asked him why he didn't respect me any more than that. He said because he didn't love me and never had.Wow. I was dumbfounded. I told him that he had made me feel like he did. He said that he had tried to love me but he just couldn't. He said that he wasn't ready for a relationship, that he had given his life to his kids. He stopped talking to me. A few days later I found out that I have ovarian cancer. I told him that I did. He would not respond to me. I begged him to call me and talk to me about our relationship before I went in for surgery to remove my ovary. He just refused. It had only been like 3-4 days since he stopped talking to me and he just did not care. At one point he wrote me and said that he didn't hate me and wished me well on my surgery, but he would not call me to talk about the relationship. After the surgery was over, I checked my phone as soon as I got home. He knew when it was but he didn't even text to see how I was doing. How could he be so cold? Was I right to walk away?
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your responses. It has made me feel like I am less crazy. I texted him earlier tonight and told him that I would no longer make any contact with him. I truly mean it. I have been wondering if I made the right decision, but all of your responses assure me that I have.SillyB - he did tell me he loved me. Quite a lot. He even told me that I was the love of his life. He would tell me unprompted at times. But he was wishy washy sometimes with it and refused to reassure me if I asked him if he loved me a lot. I know that I am not without blame. I did cling too much when I thought I was losing him. I suffocated him rather than giving him his space. I used my words to try to make him hurt as much as he was hurting me, and that was wrong. How? I told him that what he had done, bringing me into the lives of his children without actually loving me, was something only a "terrible parent" would do. He said that the statement "truly ended" any feelings he actually had for me. But I said that only after he presented me with the fact that he did not love me. I was in shock, and I reacted badly. Anyway, thank you all again for your thoughts and responses. It has helped me a lot. I am still open to hear anyone else's point of view.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your messages and well wishes. It means a lot to me to have an non-biased point of view. Yes, he told me he loved me quite often and without me prompting him to say it first. He told me that I was "the love of his life" that we were going to start a life together in Atlanta and we would buy a house. He said he wanted to put me through law school. But none of that turned out to be true. I still cling to him. I still text him trying to prove to myself that he cares. But I know what each of you wrote is true. He didn't care.Thank you all again!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2011): Honestly, walk away. Forget him. Have no more contact. He has hurt you time and time again, but you keep trying to see the positive. I can see no reason for you to even wonder whether you sould walk away. And if he texts you in a moment when he is low or lonely - do not weaken. He has made it perfectly clear he cares little for you.
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A
female
reader, Br1dgette +, writes (30 January 2011):
Wow, this guy seriously sounds like a nut case. I know that you care for him that's obvious but he has some SIGNIFICANT deep seated psychological issues. The chances of him changing are like nill. He doesn't realize he has a problem so he certainly isnt going to try and fix it.
He absolutely 100% should not be in your life. Do not subject your daughter to him or his kids anymore. I realize the kids did nothing wrong but if you go around for them then you're going to get pulled into that craziness. It's not good for your daughter.
Stay away from him. Don't remain friends. Cut ties. Mourn as much as you need to. Talk to some friends. I know it's rough. Stay the hell away from him though.
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A
female
reader, SillyB +, writes (30 January 2011):
 I'm so sorry about all your health issues. It sounds like you have been through quite alot! You're very brave and strong to have gone through all those medical issues, job loss and relationship break up.It really does sound like he never loved you. Its not the end of the world, the signs were there. Did he ever say that he loves you? Just because he made you feel that he did at times, does not mean that was his intention.It sounds like you were looking right past all the red flags and letting him treat you worse than a stranger. That was his way of keeping his wall up and preventing you from getting too attached. Unfortunately, you did get attached - he had to tell you the hard truth that he didn't love you to get the point across. I would have thought that him not visiting you after your back injury would have been enough of a point though...In all you can analyze and over analyze this till tomorrow morning, but the facts are he didn't treat you in a loving way. It was smart to walk away. There is no value in staying with someone who doesn't love you, he's a closed book and would never make you deeply happy and feeling loved.He didn't play very nice did he? Look at his actions, not the way he made you feel. There is very little you can do in this situation. He just has to live with the fact that he hurt someone very badly. I'm sure there are some feelings of guilt, but in the end he just didn't feel anything significant for you..Now is the time to focus on your health and your daughter. This should be your priority. Once you are healthy and cancer free some fellow will come along that will knock your socks off. Next time you'll be able to recognize the red flags and walk away much sooner. You'll be stronger and wiser.Hope things get better!
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