A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I got my boyfriend an pretty expensive bday gift. I got us a cabin as a weekday getaway. I planned everything including food and transportation. I wanted to surprise him and he doesn't want to go. He says he'll be hungover and he wants to go out with his friends on the night of his bday. I planned that we would just have a relaxing day by a fireplace and that he would be excited. Now I don't know what to do. I feel awful and can't get my money back. Should I try to convince him or just forget about it.P.s. we've been dating two years.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2015): Well you two are having a conflict of interest because you want to spend his birthday with just the two of you and he wants to spend his birthday with his friends, as well. But it is HIS birthday so technically whatever plans are made should revolve around what he wants for his birthday, and not what you want for his birthday. Did you ever consider inviting his friends and maybe yours too to the cabin? And having a birthday getaway with both your friends? I think he would really appreciate that. He wants his friends to be a part of his birthday plans. I can understand that. It sounds like it would be a blast. Could you get in touch with his friends and plan it? If so, I think you should. When it comes to birthdays, in particular, people generally want to spend it with their lover AND their friends. When I plan birthday's for a boyfriend, I always make it a party or a group thing, where our friends are involved too. I think he will really like that.
A
female
reader, p.d632 +, writes (16 January 2015):
I agree that no matter what, you definitely shouldn't let the trip go to waste. Go with a friend or enjoy it by yourself. If you don't want to go without your boyfriend, maybe pass the trip along as a gift.
It's a shame that your boyfriend doesn't at least appreciate the thought and effort that went into your gift idea. He is acting a bit immature. I know it's his birthday but you will have more fun going on the trip with someone who wants to be there, as opposed to just trying to drag him along.
Have fun!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (16 January 2015):
 I happen to agree with Chigirl on this one.
I too was wondering why he was looking to spend his birthday away from you. Didn't he get the memo that college was over and being sloppy hungover drunk isn't really that fun??
I know people are talking about going with other people, but I love my solitude. I'd go myself with a few good books and a comfy blanket and some hiking shoes and commune with nature! I actually have a cabin/lake house in the North Woods that's used for just this occasion.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (16 January 2015):
 Yah, go with someone else and then think about whether this relationship has a future or not.
Not that you should be able to force him to go, and as a general rule, such "surprise" trips SHOULD be planned at least to know that the other person wants to go and has the opportunity to go as well. It's his birthday after all, not yours, so he should be allowed to choose for himself how he celebrates it! But once the preparations have been done and all, telling you he wont go just shows general disrespect and ungratefulness.
After two years, if you do not know that he doesn't like surprises like this one, and he doesn't want to go away with you after a trip has already been booked, I believe you should take this as proof of incompatibility. Neither of you really know the other, and you are both trying to change one another. You want him to do the things you like, such as having a relaxing birthday with you alone... and he wants you to sit at home while he celebrates his birthday with his friends. Sounds like you weren't invited?
Reading between the lines, I am guessing you weren't invited to hang out with him and his friends for his birthday, and you already KNEW this, hence you booked that weekend away as a form of "kidnapping" so you could have him all to yourself. My guess is, you knew he wouldn't want to go, an claim this to be a surprise gift so you can get offended and have a reason to be mad at him. But you know, him leaving you behind to hang out with his friends on his birthday, without you, is reason enough to be mad at him. You don't need to argue that you wasted your money, you just need to argue that you wasted your feelings, time, and energy on him.
Go to the cabin with a friend, have some wine, enjoy yourself, and think about whether this form of relationship is what you really want or not: one where you have to "kidnap" your boyfriend to get some time alone with him...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2015): That's awful.
This is not a man you want to WASTE more years with. It'd be great for you to go and have a girls day out at the cabin with one or even a bunch of friends. Don't let it go to waste!
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A
female
reader, Sincerely Yours +, writes (16 January 2015):
 I hope you know he is being an enormous dung head. ?? What a complete disregard for your feelings and efforts. You should consider the long term future with him and what cold spikey emotions it will hold.
~Sy
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (16 January 2015):
 Honeypie and Auntie BimBim have hit the spot EXACTLY as to how to handle this.....
P.S. Chalk up the two years as a learning experience that THIS is not the guy for you!!!!!
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A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow  +, writes (16 January 2015):
 I think it sounds more like a female present than a male one, at least at his age (presuming he's in your age bracket). Don't get me wrong; it's a great gift, but it's a mature one and he wants an immature one. Going out with mates is one thing, no problem at all because you could split the evening, but to get hammered is immature. Your present was too sophisticated for him, so I agree that you should take a female friend or family member :)
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A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (16 January 2015):
The other 2 posters have got it in one. Dont even think about wasting this treat! Find someone to go with and enjoy it. There is no point in letting it go to waste, you will only be sitting at home miserable if you dont use it. Plus it will be a fun experience for you, you saved for this and if he is so ungrateful that he cant appreciate it then it is his loss!
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (16 January 2015):
 Tell him you hope he has a lovely birthday, and take a good friend (female), sister or your mother with you and enjoy the fruits of your labour. You worked hard for the money that you have spent on the ingrate, so you go and enjoy it!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 January 2015):
 Go with a good friend (female) and ENJOY the week-end getaway, let him hug the porcelain throne and puke his guts out.
I would not waste that little trip or the money.
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