A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together 2.5 years and I always thought we had a pretty good sex life. We have sex 5-8 times a week usually and feel really comfortable with each other and have great chemistry. It might help to preface this with saying he has mild aspergers.The problem is, I cannot orgasm without a vibrator. I had masturbated quite a bit in high school and I never had one until I got a vibrator at 19 (we'd already been dating a few months). He keeps insisting that it's because I desensitized myself with the vibrator, but I've tried not using it for a few weeks and all that happens is I have sex dreams and feel frustrated and still can't have one with him. I've tried using my hands alone, he uses his hands on me, he gives me oral sex, but it just doesn't happen. So tonight he was in kind of a bad mood and told me that he hates that he's not good enough for me and that if I can't "fix" my problem and have an orgasm with him within a year or so, he's going to break up with me because it's unfair to him to have to be with someone who doesn't respond to him like he does to me.I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm stuck now. Would he prefer I just fake an orgasm and sneak off when he's sleeping? I've really tried everything I can think of. I've read lots of things on the web, I've read books, I've worked at it with my hands a lot, I just can't have an orgasm with him (or anyone else). I can have one with my own hands now IF I haven't had one in at least 2 weeks, had some kind of stimulus to get me in the mood, it's the right time of the month, and I work at it until it's just not fun anymore, but that's not how I plan to spend the rest of my sex life. So I'm totally at a loss.I tried suggesting different kinds of toys that he can use on me, but he isn't interested and won't talk about it.He also told me that he's tired of condoms and doesn't think it's fair that he has to use them. But I've tried many kinds of hormones and they all have the same horrible effect on me, mood swings, severe nausea, and my sex drive dies entirely. He told me that if I would let him cum in my mouth at least once a week or so it would be fine, but I truly truly hate that and it makes me gag a lot and feel sick for hours. I like giving oral sex, but if I knew I had to let him cum in my mouth I would definitely resent him and having sex in general. A lot. Am I really being as selfish as he's making me out to be?
View related questions:
condom, in the mood, oral sex, orgasm, sex drive, sex life, vibrator Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (17 November 2011):
 I like the fact that you are trying to find out all the ways you can get pleasure in sex. Good on you for putting no limits on yourself.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 November 2011):
 Sure you can do it. With your hands and probably in other ways too. You are a very normal girl, who happens to prefer vibrators, there's nothing wrong with you. The only thing that's wrong with you... is your boyfriend.
Are you sure you want to try weaning yourself off your vibrator ? Perhaps it would be best if you 'd wean yourself of your boyfriend :)
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (17 November 2011):
 I think it's amazing you can orgasm by using your hands. That doesn't work for me. I even have a hard time with the vibrator, took me weeks to learn how to work it with my one vibrator. I've tried others since, but still haven't learned how to use them quite right! Your boyfriend really is an idiot if he thinks this is like riding a bike, that you can just "get it on" because you put your mind to it. Bodies are different, it doesn't always work that way, and women are way more complex than men and their penises.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust an update, we haven't broken up (though still might), I'm going to wait until we're face to face again to make a final decision.
Though I have decided to take the time to work at not using a vibrator. I discovered I wasn't using enough lube. So apparently my hands DO work. :) Still much easier with a vibrator, but it's nice to know I can do it.
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (15 November 2011):
We like you kid, and we is hoping and wishing you well
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo these are the only two. Thanks for your advice on this! You guys are always helpful.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (15 November 2011):
 I've just posted on your other question here: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/contraception-advice-anyone-.html
If you have any additional questions already published here on this topic, I'd appreciate if you would link them, so that we get the totality of the picture. Any other issues that haven't been disclosed here? You mentioned anal sex as a topic he's been pressuring you for as well. Anything else?
I wish you well as you decide what is best for your emotional and physical well-being. Best wishes.
...............................
A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (14 November 2011):
Your boyfriend needs to learn a bit about how women work. Sounds like he thinks your orgasm should be automatic like his, rub it and he comes! Stress, of any kind, will make it even harder. I suggest you go back to 101 of petting. Just carressing, let him use only one finger, sounds like hes not been observant enough to learn for himself so you are going to have to teach him, where, how gentle, how fast, slow, etc. But, the most important thing is being able to feel really relaxed and loved. This is not easy for you given the obstacles you or he is making. You need to go back to basics and get close and try again. I would add that some men, me included, feel the frustration when the motor wont start, and I can imagine that after a while this could impact a mans self esteem quite badly.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2011): Your boyfriend is basically saying "if you can't sprout a pair of wings or a third ear I will break up with you."so basically he has already made the decision to break up with you. It's a pity because he's basing his decision entirely on his ego and on factual mis-information.You shouldn't be with a person like this. he is so insecure that he feels massively threatened that he cares not about truth or fact or even the relationship. All he cares about is his sense of inadequacy and not getting it triggered. Relationships with people like this are frustrating and not very satisfying because it revolves around them and nothing is ever enough.I think you should break up with him. He doesnt' care about relating to you as a person or as a partner. He only cares about his fragile ego based on misinformation.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm not going to fake it, that's hideously deceptive and guarantees a horrible sex life for me. There's no good in it. I'd rather just break up than fake it. I'm not a sex toy, I'm not just having sex for him.I know it's not permanent. I only had my first orgasm midway through 20 with a vibrator, then had my first orgasm during sex 6 months later, then had my first orgasm digitally 6 months later. So I'm still learning. I'm sure I'll be able to be more "normal" with some more work, but in the meantime he needs to cut me a lot more slack and realize they are still really hard for me.And thanks for the extra links, very helpful. :)
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 November 2011):
More links: http://www.plannedparenthood.org/health-topics/ask-dr-cullins/ask-dr-cullins-sex-5267.htm
http://www.malehealth.co.uk/node/18960#moresexy
and http://www.scarleteen.com/article/body/with_pleasure_a_view_of_whole_sexual_anatomy_for_every_body
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2011): If i were you. and you really want to be with him i would just fake an orgasm so hes happy and then when hes gone use the vibrater till you have a real one. than after awhile he should forget about it and it wont be a problem.
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (13 November 2011):
The thing is, your very young, only 22. Many women find sex gets better as they are older. I'm also wondering. You say you sometimes have orgasm during sexual intercourse with him, but you can't orgasm through touching or oral sex. No there is nothing broken, you can have orgasms during sexual intercourse, they are just more frequent and powerful with the vibrator. Many women find that this is the case. No, you guys shouldn't be playing power games and manipulation with sex. But orgasm without you can't be very fun for him. I think it was smart of him to ask you to give up the vibrator and see if it makes a difference, you tried and it didn't. So that's the end of that.In my humble opinion, you're a bit too young to say, 'I'm built this way and a vibrator will always be necessary for me'. I have a feeling things may change as you get older, as long as you keep your mind open. At the moment, this is the way you get pleasure, and if he can't cope with that, he will have to go. But he's not wrong for asking you to give the vibrator up, and he's not wrong for trying to give you great oral sex. It's good that you can explore different ways to have sex together, but the arguing has to stop, as you say, it's spoiling all the fun.He is wrong about coming in your mouth because he deserves some type of reward. That's bloody nonsense. Same with women who hate porn, they have the right to tell a guy that they don't like it, but at the end of the day it's his choice, if they really don't like it, then the best thing to do is to find someone who suits them better.One other question, is this guy the same age as you? He must be feeling so inadequate about himself, and probably has no idea sex isn't as easy as pornography and the movies makes it seem.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 November 2011):
Welcome to the ownership of your own sexuality.
If he continues to struggle with this, get him to that sex therapist.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlso just a thought, it seems incredibly unfair that he should be able to have mind blowing orgasms every time, at the drop of a hat, but just to soothe his ego I have to spend the rest of my life working my butt off to have only barely satisfying orgasms? When I have a way to have wonderful ones, quickly and easily? That's BS.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI came to a compromise, I will try without the vibrator, but if I can't or I get tired, then I can use it and he can do as he likes. I'd love more links if you have them.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 November 2011):
And really, holding each other's orgasm hostage is um, what's the best word.... juvenile? silly? manipulative? Surely you two are more mature than that?
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 November 2011):
Attempting to force you to have the orgasm of HIS choice is controlling, no matter how "selfless" he thinks he's being. This is about his ego, not your pleasure. You know how to reach orgasm, you use a vibrator. You're not broken, as the article said.
You don't stand a chance of having an orgasm with this kind of pressure on you to "perform." It's like getting angry at a guy with erectile dysfunction. He can't help that his vessels don't cooperate with his mind.
CindyCares, that was a great question you asked, by the way.
I'd tell him to stuff his ultimatum and take you as you are, warts and all.
His male ego will have to come to grips with fact that his penis is not a magic wand.
You are not broken, you are not wrong, you should not be subjected to the orgasm Nazi state. If he can't deal with it, that's HIS issue, not yours.
I have more links if they will help. I liked the ones I gave you because they are medically reviewed on a quality site.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNever was officially diagnosed, but a family member who works with kids with aspergers is 100% sure of it and he has so many asperger characteristics that it's almost a sure thing. He said he's thought about it before, but never went to a psychologist about it because it's pretty mild. But he does the typical autism thing where he can't make eye contact if he's talking or showing emotion/can't look directly at you along with all the other really telltale things.
The reason I'm not quite willing to throw in the towel is because he's trying SO INCREDIBLY HARD to please me, like volunteering marathon oral sex and finger sessions and he didn't mean to issue an ultimatum. He said he's willing to work as hard as he can (thanks for the pressure...) and he meant he would be really patient, but I don't know if I will be able to orgasm without a vibrator. It's just everything else in the relationship is really good, even the other aspects of our sex life are really good.
Sexual compatibility wise I thought we were great, we both want sex the same amount, I've never been so attracted to anyone, and I've never had such great chemistry with anyone ever. He's the best in bed of anyone I've been with, just not enough I guess. :(
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (13 November 2011):
Just out of curiosity : as he ever been diagnosed by a neurologist had having mild Asperger's ? Or was it a self- diagnosis ? I am asking that because I have noticed that , as by now there's a lot of people that uses to say casually " Oh I just have a touch of ADD " ( never officially tested and assessed - to justify their being irresponsible, forgetful and unreliable, there's also asome people that will use " I have mild Asperger's " to defend their right of being stubborn, insensitive and selfish.
But , supposing he says the truth and he CAN'T understand where you are coming from... well, too bad,it just means that you are not well matched sexually and it can't work between you. You may perhaps have a big problem in reaching orgasm ( other than with vibrators ) but surely the way to solve it is NOT giving you ultimatums and blackmailing you.
It's exactly as if you'd demand he has to get rid of hs Asperger's within one year or else.
Only, you are not enough ...uhm?... what ?... clueless ? dumb ..? to make this kind of demands.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe anus thing wouldn't work with him actually, he really likes having things up his butt... But he's respectful at least on that front that I don't.
Yeah when you word it like that it sounds pretty stupid. But I am willing to give it a try to not use a vibrator, again, I just don't think it's fair that I can't have one if he can.
Those articles are great. They are right on target, that women who need a vibrator aren't broken and that sex does NOT and never ever will feel the same for women as for men. I will send them to him and see if it helps.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 November 2011):
http://men.webmd.com/features/6-sex-mistakes-men-make
http://men.webmd.com/guide/sex-fact-fiction
I like these links for him to read.
Okay, so wait, you all are holding each other's orgasms hostage now? Really?
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (13 November 2011):
Ah, I think you did a fair deal with him though: if you can't orgasm then he's not allowed to either.
Of course it's not the same for him to to get an orgasm from having his scrotum stimulated... pffsh yeah right. That's what he says, because men just don't get it some times. Just like how men think it is somehow "different" for a woman to get a penis up her anus than it is for a man to get a dildo up his anus. "Oh, thats DIFFERENT".
Ask him to explain the difference to you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 November 2011):
Pity. Ah well, if life with him consists of him making unreasonable sexual demands on you without providing the support for them, then you're better off without him. Sorry.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI suggested the scrotum thing and he got really indignant about how that physically can't work. So I responded, "EXACTLY. Physically it could work if you tried at it hard enough. This is how I feel." And he's still insisting it's somehow different for me.
We're apart at the moment, so I told him I'd stop using the vibrator but that he can't have an orgasm unless I do. It seemed unfair for him to demand I stop using one and essentially not have an orgasm and for him not to do the same. It's only a week and a half, I can give it a try.
I don't have any money to save for a sex therapist, I've had to take an unpaid internship. Bad economy... And he's not willing to pay for it.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 November 2011):
I would never tolerate that sort of sexual blackmail, by the way. A man who is incapable or unwilling to take on new knowledge to enhance your sexual experience is a man who is ultimately selfish. Asperger's or no, if he's making ultimatums like that, he's got a real issue.
If he's willing to threaten the end of the relationship over a certain unreasonable goal, the least he could do is provide the means for you to reach that goal, and that is, sensibly, a sex therapist. Save up.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 November 2011):
If he has trouble seeing the world from anyone else's perspective, then maybe some direct comparisons need to be drawn so he can understand it from your point of view.
Suggest that he attempt to reach orgasm solely through stimulation of his scrotum. No penis-touching, no handling or stimulation of the penile shaft at all. This is the tissue that is analogous to your vagina. Have him figure out how to reach orgasm with ONLY his testicles and scrotum being stimulated and maybe he'll get a glimpse into your anatomical situation.
Personally, if this is such a big deal to him, I would find a way to save some money for at least one consult with a sex therapist. If this is going to ruin your relationship, isn't a little financial investment worth it? I mean, if you needed a new engine for your car, you'd come up with the cash somehow, wouldn't you?
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (13 November 2011):
He needs to stop seeing the orgasm as a goal. The goal is for you to enjoy yourself, and he DOES make you feel great in bed, does he is good enough. Having an orgasm might be the peak for the man, but it isn't like that for women, especially not when having an orgasm often means a lot of pressure and being uncomfortable, feeling guilty when it doesn't work, maybe feeling awkward having him go down on you etc.
You could ask him if he might feel the same about it if you said you need him to orgasm from giving him anal sex. It's supposed to be possible. But might be awkward, unpleasant etc. until you get the hang of how to thrust and until his butt gets used to it. But in the end, he's supposed to reach orgasm from it, so if you can't give him an anal orgasm (without touching of the penis) then you feel like you aren't good enough for him.
Come on, same deal. If you're going to have to go sexually frustrated and feeling uncomfortable in bed, guilty when he can't get you to come, and have this pressure on you, then I said it's only fair he gets to experience it himself. Tell him he must be able to have an orgasm without the penis being touched and from anal stimulation. If he can't come within a year then you won't feel good enough and leave him.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone. We're not talking no orgasms during intercourse, we're talking no orgasms during anything. He's really generous in terms of working to pleasure me so it does make me feel incredibly guilty. He does oral sex and has researched technique and is very receptive to what I ask for/tell him feels good/bad. But it just doesn't get me there. Same with fingers. Same with everything. I've tried weaning myself off the vibrator. I've read about it a ton, like you use it to get almost there and then finish with your hands, and then start using your hands a little sooner each time, but not matter how long I work at it, I can't get past the point of using the vibrator to get really close and then taking over.
If I use it immediately before we have sex and get really close I can sometimes orgasm from intercourse (though still not from oral or fingers). I thought that was OK, but I guess not.
I know it must hurt a lot, I can't imagine being told you're not enough for your partner and that there's nothing you can do about it. But I do try, and I love him, and I love sex.
He's definitely not abusive, he just has aspergers and has trouble seeing the world from a perspective other than his. We've been living together awhile now and he's never been even a little controlling (until now). Neither of us can really afford a sex therapist. I accidentally hit the wrong age, I'm actually 22.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2011): Forget about the orgasm. Sex with someone you love should not be about the destination but about the journey. Once you get to that point in your life everything else will follow.
...............................
A
male
reader, Beingblack +, writes (13 November 2011):
 I feel a little sorry for both of you, it seems that there is a small level of stubbornness and immaturity within your relationship.
At the end of the day, people are what they are, everyone of us is different, especially in our reactions to, and expectations of, sexual stimulus.
Imagine that your partner could not ejaculate, unless he jacked off into one of those fake vagina contraptions. How would that make you feel?
Imagine he couldn't cum unless he was watching porn? Or needed a banana up his ass? How would you feel?
Just think about that for a little while.
But the point is, it almost doesn't matter, the reality is, we each need whatever it is we need to have an orgasm. You need the vibrator, you have explained how hard you've tried NOT to use it. If the boyfriend cannot accept that this is YOU, then you should dump HIM.
I read a lot about how many women despise how their partners watch porn, and how badly this affects their own sexual self belief, but here, we have a bit of a flip - a woman achieving orgasm without the input of her man - who would have thunk it!!!!
Like I always say, we are all very different in our responses, if you need the vibrator, I would suggest that you use it to your hearts content, my own partner has an array of toys, and watching her in action is about the single most erotic thing I can imagine.
He is effectively stopping you from achieving orgasms, simply because he feels that you shouldn't need anything except him. But we all know how life is. Its never easy, and it sounds like the problem lies with him, not you. He should celebrate the fact that you can have orgasms, while many women cannot, or find the need to fake them or sneak away to do so.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 November 2011):
Ah, your boyfriend will likely receive some harsh criticism here. Assuming he's operating from a place of ignorance and insecurity, and that he is NOT an abusive controlling jerk, then I would recommend you take the step of going to a sex therapist.
This will handle a number of his issues, as a qualified therapist will size him up right away and do some educating for him. It's pretty clear he's not listening to your side, so a third party specially trained in sex therapy would be able to set him straight.
Personally, I suspect he's a control freak, as the sexual blackmail is a bit extreme. I think you may find being rid of his irrational and ignorant expectations to be a great relief.
There are many men out there who would treasure a woman who offers loving oral sex, who can reach an orgasm in whatever way she's found and who is willing to have sex 5-8 times a week.
So your first task is to determine if he is a budding abusive partner or if he's simply misguided and insecure. If A, then dump, if B, qualified sex therapist.
You may benefit from consulting with the therapist too, as you can explore your orgasmic capabilities and he or she may offer some guidance on expanding your sexual repertoire. I think it's a win-win.
Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (13 November 2011):
Good luck to your boyfriend... he probably will not find a woman who "responds to him like he responds to you". Because women don't have penises.
Maybe he needs to educate himself on the topic, because this is just stupid and ignorant. If he really is willing to dump you over something you CANT do anything about, and that you aren't doing "against" him in any way, and YOU are pleased with your sex life (don't understand what sort of pleasure HE thinks he will achieve by giving you an orgasm.. should you having an orgasm be about your pleasure and not his?) well then good riddance. Sheezes. Good luck to him, he will have to enter and end a whole bunch of relationships looking for the female orgasm that will make his sex life (and hopefully relationship) complete.
You on the other hand will find plenty of men who are fine, and accepting of you not being able to control if or when you are having an orgasm, and understand the difficulties.
What your boyfriend doesn't get is that added pressure just makes it worse. It wont help at all. With this now hanging over your head you are bound to never orgasm at all, and will have difficulties with all other men as well. Great going.
He's being selfish, sex isn't about one person, it's about the pleasure of the both of you. You pleasure him best as you can, and he will pleasure you best as he can, thats the rule. Sounds like the focus has gone to be all about him: he wants to go without condoms, he wants to come in your mouth, he wants you to orgasm by him so HE can feel better in bed (it isn't about your pleasure at all, nor is it about bringing you and him closer), he's turning sex into a rat-race for his pleasure.
The dynamic is off. You can try to see if you can save this relationship by talking to him and working through his one sided view of things.. but he needs to be willing to work on it as well. Or else, time to let him go. He is right... he isn't satisfying you, not because he can't make you orgasm, but because he focuses so much on himself...
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 November 2011):
 I just read something about how to wean off a vibrator.... personally I found that in my 30s I got too used to the vibrator and no longer use one... (although I do love my hand held shower massage and that's private)
I do not have orgasms during sex... never.... and I don't mind... I get cuddles and love and affection and sex still feels good but my boyfriend also feels like he's not good enough... men seem to think that their worth is based on if they can "GIVE" us orgasms. Like it's THEIR responsibility... it's NOT
as for telling you to let him cum in your mouth... he should not force you BUT if you do it right you never TASTE the cum... and I'd rather swallow than spit... I never notice it... it's past my tongue when he cums after all....
as for birth control... if you are not willing to get pregnant then you are not willing to be condom free.
it has to be about compromise but i think that sometimes couples are just sexually incompatible...
...............................
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (13 November 2011):
 It sounds like you and your boyfriend are having some sexual incompatibilities.
First off, many (in fact most women) can't experience an orgasm via penetration sex. There are some different positions you can try, but from what I've read and experienced, it's just not going to happen. He needs to realize this -- it isn't a shortcoming on his behalf, its just the way you were made. I am sure if you google around the internet you can find articles to present to him to indicate this fact.
Has he had tried oral sex on you? Usually in cases like yours that is the ticket for you to receive an orgasm.
As far as his upset about wearing a condom, sadly. this is the way it is for now. Many women can't handle birth control pills, as they affect their hormonal systems. You've stated plainly you don't want him to finish in your mouth and I think he needs to understand that as well (most women don't like it)
I think you need to educate your boyfriend that what you have sounds like a decent relationship and that so long as you are having sex, he really shouldn't be complaining. Playing the ultimatum card for something that is physically impossible for you or disregards your preferences to sex is insensitive and ignorant.
It sounds like you need to have a talk and you can come to some sort of understanding.
Good luck
...............................
|
