A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am very upset at my boyfriend of 2 years.I am hoping you can tell me if you think I am justified or being unreasonable.He thinks I am being unreasonable.We see each other certain days every week due to different schedules.On one of the days we always see each other, he told me he could not make it because he had work to do. He is leaving town mid week to visit his mother out of the country and has lots to catch up and loose ends to tie up before he leaves.I asked him yesterday what he was up to that day. He actually told me he went to the driving range for awhile to shoot some balls.I was of course upset by this because it was our day together and he told me he had work to finish. He had time to shoot balls but did not have time to see me?He asked me not to over react because he went to shoot balls. He was there only an hour and then went straight home to finish his work. And stayed home the rest of the day.He said if he came to my place he would end up staying there all day like he always does and he would not get anything done. Because I always get angry that he has to leave and end up pressuring him to stay longer. And sometimes he cannot stay as long as usual.But shooting balls? My concern is he did not want to be with me AT ALL. I mean he could have spent that hour with ME instead of at the driving range. And previous to that, I had not seen for a few days.AM I OVER REACTING?I had a big argument with him about it last night. Told him he doesn't care enough. That he is getting bored of me. Not as attracted. Taking me for granted. I accused him of cheating. Being with another woman. Told him I should leave him. On and on....Can anyone advise??? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, like I see it  +, writes (27 May 2015):
 I absolutely do think you are overreacting to this one incident, but like several other posters have observed, there seem to be some much larger issues in the relationship you share with him. If I had to guess, you've been building up these feelings for some time and the golf incident was merely the last straw for you.
Two years of dating as adults is a LONG time to have invested in a relationship and not be making plans to live together or take the next step in other ways, especially if the relationship is local rather than long-distance. Is there a timeline for that? I don't blame you for being tired of seeing him on "scheduled" days only for TWO YEARS because that takes a lot of the fun and spontaneity out of seeing someone and limits the role they can play in your life. Say you need someone to talk to on a bad day - maybe you see him Tuesdays and Fridays and the bad day happens on a Wednesday. Would he be able to be there for you?
The second issue is the part where you accused him of having lost interest in you and of cheating. Since these are pretty dramatic accusations to have arisen purely from an hour spent at the driving range, I'm guessing that other aspects of your relationship have contributed to these conclusions on your part. At two years, your relationship may be leaving the euphoric "honeymoon phase" common to the start of new love. In a strong and healthy relationship this transition shouldn't be that big a deal, because the infatuation, lust, and flying sparks are replaced by more "comfortable" but deep-rooted love for the other person. The kind of love where your partner isn't afraid that burping in front of you will send you running for the hills, but would consider you a best friend as well as a cherished lover. If you are feeling instead that you are underappreciated, taken for granted, and that your partner is bored with you to the point that he'd look elsewhere for companionship given the chance, something is not right in the relationship. Maybe too much of the initial "spark" was infatuation or good sex and now that that phase is wearing off, there's not much left to keep you together. It's hard to guess from the limited information in your post, but I definitely think there's more to what you're feeling than an hour of golf. That might be a symptom, but I doubt it's the whole of the problem.
Are you by any chance the other woman in his life, or is there a possibility that you could be one unbeknownst to you? That's what all this "scheduled" stuff brings to mind.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2015): You overreacted, and childishly I might add. If he never spends anytime with you, get a new boyfriend.
It's good when work schedules conflict. It makes the time you do spend together that much more valuable. In my own relationship, we may not see each other until the weekend; and on occasion he may plan something else he'd like to do. So I just do the same thing. We touch base at some point during the day or night; and we share what we did for the day. Then when we're together, we feel happy to see each other; and at the same time we appreciate having some time just to put-around without each other; or spend time with other friends.
A big argument was not necessary, nor justified; because he chose some time for himself to do something he liked doing for an hour. It was a spur of the moment decision. Then back to the other things that needed to be done. He didn't deliberately factor you out of his day, as you're accusing him of.
You behaved liked a spoiled child. He gave a reasonable explanation; which you chose not to listen to.
News flash, sometimes he needs to be away from you just to think. He doesn't need you in every moment of his time, and that is no indication he doesn't care about you. He isn't your boyfriend just to fill-in all the time you can't figure-out how to fill in other constructive ways. Sometimes he doesn't feel like your company. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you either. It means he needs some me-time!!!
If you want to be missed and appreciated, you have to allow some time and distance apart to stir the feelings. Every spare moment of his time does not belong to you. Sometimes you have to change routines; and he has a right to set his own schedule. He is a grown man, and entitle to do things as he pleases. Same goes for you!
You certainly didn't make him want to spend time with you if you used it to argue over something petty; when you know he is about to spend some time away. You could have dropped the attitude, and just told him you wanted to spend time with him. When people express a lot of neediness or clinginess, it can be somewhat irritating. It's smothering and sometimes you must come-up for air.
You owe him an apology for your behavior, and you don't make people want to spend time with you; when you behave aggressively or angrily towards them. Especially when they really didn't do anything wrong!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2015): No you did not overreact.
You are merely sensing that after two years he is not as invested in this relationship.
Scheduled days and times after two years is too rigid.
Why arent you both living together after two years? You sound fed up and resentful.
Stop rowing this boat and see if it floats off out to sea or returns to you.
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A
female
reader, Ciar + ♥, writes (26 May 2015):
 Yes, you did over react. Your boyfriend did nothing wrong and his explanation was perfectly reasonable.
He doesn't have to spend all his free time with you and he doesn't have to account for his movements when you two are apart. He is allowed to deviate from the schedule now and again. You have no right to subject him to abuse and outlandish accusations every time you don't get your way.
There is no room for him to breath and be himself in this relationship. No incentive for him to be honest. There are too many rules here, you're rigid and demanding and punishments come far too easily.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2015): If it's something that happens infrequently, I would not worry too much and let him have his space. We all need it. HOWEVER, there is a fine line between a little space and seeing a pattern of just fitting you in to his convenience. You would then need to reevaluate this relationship because chances are you may be a distraction among several so let go before getting in deeper. You don't deserve to just be "fitted in." I believe that if there's strong loving connection, he'll want to MAKE the time.........period. Time is the most precious gift that a loving couple can give each other. It's the one thing that should come naturally and from the heart.
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