A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need some insight. From women especially...(guys feel free to share if it has happened to you...) It's a little long winded, I apologize for that but I want to be thorough.Here's my situation. I am engaged. Totally in love...My fiance and I have had past arguments where it has finally dawned on me that women are different than men are. They don't need to have sex as often as men, as much perhaps, or their sexual drive doesn't kick in until they are a little more mature. And ours peaks at my age. I'm 23 she is 26. So she asked me to be more understanding, etc...All of which I truly am trying to be. For ex, last night I tried to make love to her. She said she had a long day at work, was tired, just not in the mood. I said ok. That I understood and was really ok with it. In my head thinking, "there's always tomorrow, I'm not going to die if I don't have sex tonight." She has told me that too, "You aren't going to die if you don't have it this second..."So tonight, she seemed like she was in the mood. Now generally, I am the one pushing for it. Perhaps because of that she always plays the role of "hard to get." Knowing I will try almost every single day. She climbs into bed and I start kissing her back, her thighs, etc, getting her in the mood. This is 95% of the time. No lie.So tonight, we took a shower before bed together and I turned on the charm. She responded well, and I jumped out of the shower first and told her I would meet her in bed. I climbed under the sheets and layed on my stomach. (Intending for her to start doing the same to me.) So she climbs in after me and lays next to me. Waiting for me to sit up and start what I always do. Caressing her. I don't. She rubs up against me but still laying down and I go with it but don't get up. I stop and lay next to her, on my belly again, and she just says, "I'm tired, you do it." So I tell her, "C'mon baby, I'm just asking you to kiss my back like the first times we did it." She gives me this look I have seen before where I know that her mood is dead. Just totally gone. Like a switch. Then I say, "I don't think i'm asking for a lot." She moves a little away from me, not mad, but just 100% noticable her sex drive is gone. I ask her what is wrong and she says I killed her mood. Gets a little upset and we just lay there for 5 minutes. From my experience I know this is going nowhere and I get up and put my boxers on, and climb back into bed. She then gets up and puts on her undies and climbs into bed. After a few minutes of silence she says, "I don't know why it made me upset when you said that but it did." I just said, "I'm sorry." She climbed over to me and started telling me she was sorry. She was sorry that we didn't do it last night, and she started saying I was going to leave her one day because she wasn't meeting my needs. I love her to death and would never leave her. I told her this and told her to stop talking crazy. She kept saying she was sorry and that she'd make it up to me. But she didn't do anything. Just laid there hugging me. If she really wanted to make it up to me she could've just started doing something. Anything sexual again and I would've jumped at the chance! But nothing.So i'm here in the kitchen typing this and she is in bed right now. I don't know what to do.I understand sometimes we just aren't in the mood. I don't expect it every single day but every other day? Is that asking too much when you are engaged? I can't help but think what it'll be like when we are married...what do i do? I want to talk to her about it but she just either gets mad, or gets really depressed and starts talking crazy about me leaving her because she's not meeting my needs. I don't want to seem like some jerk that has to get some or else he isn't happy, but I also don't always want to be the one pushing for some love making..help...
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at work, depressed, engaged, fiance, in the mood, kissing, my ex, sex drive Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (5 February 2010):
 I second Angzw's suggestion that you consider premarital counseling if you haven't already done so. You love one another and that's beautiful, but you don't want issues like this to become a major point of contention in your marriage. The two of you need to make your expectations and needs clear so you can be on the same page when you say "I do".
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2010): Thanks all. I'm the poster of the question. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one to have been through this. Man or woman.
She has been complaining about her work, that she is miserable. And also frustrated about the wedding. It's only 51 days till. And while I understand all this I don't think it can be used as an excuse in itself. I do a lot of things to help plan also. I take time out of my days off to pay the flower lady, decorations, etc. I haven't limited her on one single thing because I want her to have the wedding she dreamed of. That's frustrating for me, but nothing kills my sex drive for her.
She has also said she feels a little bigger since we met. And to be totally honest she is, a little bit. But I am still very attracted to her, maybe more than when we met because of all we have shared. I have never told her I think she's bigger...I know that will damage her self esteem.
I'm just going to back off a bit on the sexual side of things. I'm going to worry myself with other things and let things take their course. If he asks me why I will tell her. Not in a mean way. But just let her know I wanted to give her some space. I don't want it to seem like a chore for her to please me. And I feel if I keep bringing up this issue, she will begin to see sex as a job she has to do to keep me happy.
If nothing changes or she just doesn't initiate it, then I will have to sit down and discuss things in detail with her. I love her so much but I don't want to set up our marriage for failure. I think this is a huge issue we have to be on the same page with for this to work.
It's hard to talk with her about this because she feels both her ex boyfriends left her because of this issue. Hence her saying I will eventually leave her because she isn't meeting my needs. So if she thinks that, why isn't she trying. It's like she thinks that but is just giving up about it. Last time she told me, "this is how I am and if you can't handle it tell me now..." later she apologized but as still said it.
I will let you all know what happens, but thank you for the words of wisdom!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2010): I really do feel for you, because it's easy to get caught up when you're really in love with a woman. Here's the thing, YOU are the man and YOU are going to have to man up and take charge of the situation. If you can't man up and let her know who's boss, then please do yourself a favor and don't get married to her. She is already taking advantage of you and you have already said you aren't happy. So just man up, and if she can't handle it, then she isn't the right one for you anyway. Best of luck to you.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (5 February 2010):
There's something else bothering her. Maybe work or money problems or anything like that. Chances are it's not you. This is more about something bothering her, and you're the one who gets any backlash because you're the nearest to her. So the best thing you can do is tell her you've noticed that she seems tired and distant and ask her to tell you what's bothering her. The do nothing but listen.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (5 February 2010):
I've been in your girlfriend's shoes before and I just want you to know that it probably has nothing to do with you. She may have a lot on her mind or she's feeling bad about herself in some way...and when I felt that way, when my boyfriend would try to initiate sex with me it would bug the crap out of me! I may have been thinking about having sex with him that very night when I was ready and I wanted to initiate it, but then he'd start initiating it when I completely was not ready and it then ruined my plan of what I wanted to do with him and I just lost the want to even want to have sex with him. Not because I didn't want to have sex with him, I just didn't want to have sex with him at THAT moment.
So I agree that you should talk to her about it and ask her how she feels. Would she prefer it if she initiated the sex or is it something else? I can almost guarantee you that if you back off a little and don't try and put on the "charm" and try and initiate sex with her, she'll be trying to with you. Why? Because she won't feel like she has to and sometimes women actually do want to initate the sex. When you feel like you have to do something to please someone else, it begins to feel like a chore and you can't even enjoy yourself. Hopefully this works out for you and you sounds like a good guy, so I'm sure she'll want to work with you on this.
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (5 February 2010):
You need to tell her the truth that when she rejects you sexually it feels like a personal rejection. You are absolutely right that your needs are not being met. She needs to know this. I would recommend premarital counseling. The counselor usually brings up every issue you are going to encounter including money, parents, children and ofcourse sex. I remember my counsellor (also the pastor who performed the ceremony) actually going into quite graphic detail about my fiancé's needs at the time. So I think it will be worth your time to deal with this issue now when your emotions and feelings for her are still strong enough to control your biological needs.
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A
female
reader, Blue_Angel0316 +, writes (5 February 2010):
 WEll first off let me tell you that you could be telling someone elses story. The only difference is the woman was in the same position as you. This left her quite often at witts end because she didn't understand what SHE was doing wrong and why He didn't seem to be interested much of the time. Hmmmmmmmmm?????
As for being a man verses woman. Believe it or not we can both suffer from stress, chemical imbalances in our brains, hormonal changes, physical health conditions amongst other things. An object of the ordinary person is to at least be attracted enough to be with a person but it isn't really enough to always keep things in the flow. Sexual experiences can be quelled by so many things in this fast paced world we live in.
Some lovers are in fact less giving than others and even a bit selfish about doing the giving. Many use excuses why they can't or won't do something. Perhaps you just really want to snuggle but the sexual gratification is more fulfilling to one party and not so significant to the other. Thus the other half of this equation feels left out, unloved, unwanted or perhaps not worthy even of ones time.
You are definantly correct in that the species in general are quite different. However man generally sees sex as (Intercours), where women see it even deeper in meaning. A man can be visually stimulated whereas a woman most likely is more stimulated by touch and smell. As being carressed is a sensual part of the sexual itimacy, women tend to thrive on being touched, carressed and massaged. It all depends on the woman but all the aforementioned tend to stimulate the womeans mind, body and soul.
Rest assured though sometimes it's the woman who is being neglected on the deal with intimacy. Guys mostly are straight forward and less than romantic when lovemaking. Not all are though as sometimes it's the woman who is less concerned and selfish. Please understand thatI am not man bashing here.:) I am speaking as a woman who has been in your shoes. There is a great connection on either part when communication is going well. Either partner may be having trouble communicating their feelings and expectations.I would suggest not stressing sex so much and let it happen naturally. Allowing both parties private time to reflect upon the relationship they want. Have a date night at least once a week. It is a good time for making good memories and bonding. Don't forget to flirt a little bit. Try doing the same things you did when you first fell in love. Recreate that MAJIC MOMENT!
Since you are engaged please remember that this can be an extremely stressful time for a woman who is trying to pick that right pair of shoes to go with her beautiful dress that just cost her a few hundred dollars OR MORE.~~~ Invitations and wondering where to have the wedding.What to eat....blah blah blah......argh!
Working a job, keeping up with things at home. Dirty dishes, clothes, so much to do. Stress from all corners. Worry about whether or not you both are being satisfied about everything else, then you can worry less about SEX!!! If it's meant to be it will happen in it' own time.What is normal for some isn't for others. Then again...WHAT IS NORMAL?
Arguing over and having pent up emotions with no physical release can be a real torment for anyone. If you love this young lady then ease off. Don't worry too much about how often, how much, how, when and if! Focus on your love and let your intamacy and sexual desires ARRIVE BY a natural course. Seek GOD"S WISDOM!! You've gone this far and HE can see you thru!
GOD BLESS
BLUE_ANGEL
^(**)^
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2010): Naah...
I hear so many men say this... Somewhere sex seems to have become your need rather than both of yours. That is not nice for a relationship. You need to talk to her... It's early days yet and she can change.
What is the point first not initiating sex or showing enthusiasm for it and then crying that she's not meeting "your needs".
Women do need sex.. and couples' sex drives vary. But this seems like an emotional and power game. She feels desired - which is good. But you need to talk to her and let her know that it is not a one-way street. Lazy lovers are boring whether they are women or men.
To be frank, this could become a bigger problem after a few years... what if her libido does not peak?
Take off for a few days without her and work things out in your head. Tell her to do the same. Also try to chart when she wants sex mostly, if she's at all in touch with her body, she'll want sex on particular days in her cycle. For instance, some women are very horny on the second day of their period! Some are horny mid cycle when they're fertile. Some have heightened sexual drives just before their period. So explore your sexual selves together... and come to an optimum solution where you don't pester her for sex when she does not want it.And she takes the initiative when she does want it. There will be days when she won't or you won't actively want it but will go with the flow.
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A
female
reader, hijacked_dignity +, writes (5 February 2010):
 You couldn't be more right. I want you to know though that there is some comfort, because she is just as frustrated as you are as far as this gender breech in communication. Women and men think ridiculously differently in not just sex, but in all forms of communication. I have metaphorically pounded my head against so many walls when it comes to communicating with my significant other, wondering why he just doesn't get it, not realizing that he isn't doing it on purpose. We are just that different. My wise and happily married mother has consistently told me that 'men and women are different, and there are some things that we as women will never understand about men'. It's so true. And for the life of me, I feel like sometimes me and my boyfriend are talking different languages, especially in fights.
Men like to be blunt. They don't play games, and most of the time they don't notice when WE are playing games. How many times have I come across the situation where I am seething internally, pouting subtly externally for attention (a common girly game), and my boyfriend will go "What's wrong?" And I'll say the typical girl response. "Nothing." And he'll smile and think everything is ok (even though to me, it obviously isn't) and say "Ok babe!" This barrier is hard to cross, but I think with a whole lot of patience, you can somehow create a bridge over this instance.
What you need to do is sit her down (not before you are about to have sex) and talk about what's on her mind. You need to assume something is wrong, and I think there is something going on in her head far deeper than a lack of sex drive or issues initiating sex. It sounds like her confidence is at a low right now. Maybe she is worried about the wedding? Maybe there are stresses at her workplace? The fact that she didn't advance sexually and just wanted to be held and comforted suggests that there is something big brewing in her brain. I know this is a bit strange, but the mindset she's in is beyond sex. This isn't about sex to her. This is about something else which is EFFECTING the sex in your relationship. It's perfectly reasonable for you to expect that you two should be intimate, but sometimes things come up which kill our sex drive for a period of time. Stress and confidence are one of the two main factors.
So sit her down and ask if there is anything wrong going on. Discuss in length how you feel maybe about the sex situation (perhaps not at the same time you are talking about HER feelings). Perk up her confidence. Tell her how sexy she is and how it would totally rock your world for her to take crazy advantage of you. Be playful. Again, this could take some time, and it might be a while before you get sex every single night, or even every other night. Sex is important to women, but you're right, our drives are definitely not matched biologically. As a woman in a serious relationship, I am just now understanding how important it is to men, and I am trying to help my boyfriend understand how much emotional stimulation is important to women. Us genders might not ever fully comprehend what is going on in each other's heads, but honest communication definitely helps. Best of luck to yuo.
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A
female
reader, SeXylOvE12 +, writes (5 February 2010):
 Here are some ideas i got off a website that may help you.Exercise more. Physical exercise releases endorphins into your body, which elevate your mood, and getting your blood pumping will make your feel invigorated. Conversely, if you work out too intensely, you can be sapping your energy--and your sex drive.Get a mental and physical health check up. Depression and other emotional disorders--or having to manage a chronic health ailment--can reduce your desire to have sex. Consult with your doctor if you have a condition that's interfering with your sex life.Improve your diet. Junk food, heavy meals and bad eating habits can leave you feeling sluggish. Some people who are overweight feel self-conscious of being naked in front of their partner, thus decreasing their desire for sex. Focus on bettering your eating habits to elevate your activity level and maintain a body weight you feel comfortable with.Watch your drug and alcohol intake. Abusing illegal and prescription drugs, as well as alcohol, can sap your physical ability to be intimate as well as your emotional cravings for sex.Reduce stress. Juggling a tight schedule is a libido-crusher in two ways: It steals time for romance, and it leaves you exhausted. Make lifestyle changes to cut down on the strain: Reduce your work hours. Hire a babysitter for date nights. Reorganize your day-to-day routine to free up time for yourselves.Take natural supplements. Herbs that can increase libido for women include ginko biloba and gentian; men can take horny goat weed or ginseng (see Resources).Experiment. Sometimes all you need is a change-up to the usual Friday night routine. Visit a sex shop together. Buy some toys to play with. Pick up edible body butters to try. Watch an adult film together. The possibilities are only as limited as your imagination.Improve your relationship with your partner. Unresolved issues, resentment and frustration are only a few reasons that people's sex lives get dampened. Work on areas that need attention with a therapist or by improving your communication with each other.Set a sex date with your partner and stick to it. The anticipation of knowing that every Saturday afternoon is reserved for the two of you to spend alone can do wonders for keeping your spark lit.As for your fiance getting upset about you wanting her to kiss her like she did in the beginning, I know how she was feeling. since you said "like you did in the beginning" she was probably thinking that she hasn't been satisfying you well enough. It probably made her feel bad about herself, sorry for not giving you what you want, and upset that she isn't bold enough to kiss you "like she used to." If you would have left that phrase out she probably would have been fine.Being a woman, I'm very sensitive to anything negative my boyfriend says. He once said to me, I wish you would have showered before you came here, your hair doesn't smell good. It made me feel awful, like i was too gross to be around him. I shut down immediately. And when a woman shuts down like that she's not gonna come out of it on her own. You're gonna have to coax her out. I don't know why we shut down, it's just how we're programmed and one of the reasons guys find us so complicated.So basically, if you're going to say something like that to her be very careful with your word choice.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2010): she said she would make it up to you, does not mean she would do it then at that very moment.the mood died for her, if she does not have a high sex drive she obviously is not going to be feeling like doing anything straight after a akward moment with you and being stressed out and upset.sometimes when women are depressed, worried, stressed or upset or just really run down from day to day life its really not a easy thing to just want to jump in to bed and have sex. this can happen with men also.maybe she might suprise you another night with something, maybe she wont, if it continues and turns in to a problem you really need to talk to her about it, maybe she needs a break, a getaway, or a holiday.I know how you feel, my boyfriend has no sex drive at all and I have a huge sex drive, and when I try to flirt and get him in the mood most of the time I am rejected :(
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