A
male
age
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*arbelly
writes:I fell in love with a woman 30 years younger than me i behave she is my true love we have spend hours talking about everything but she treats me like a dad i think about her day and night her a boy friend\ fiance lives with her he hurts and abuse her i have offered her a safe haven but she stays with him am I a fool for loving her
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female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (18 June 2019):
 OP, I think that you are lonely and to quote a song "looking for love in all the wrong places". This young lady thinks of you as a father figure, someone to run to when things are wrong, someone she can confide in but I seriously doubt that she has feelings for you in the way that hope. She's got a boyfriend good or bad and you need to realize that its very unlikely she would drop him for you.
Yes there is every chance that if you continue the way you are that you might indeed wind up looking like a fool. Whats wrong with the women your age??
BTW I am in your age range and have a son that's 30. I sure wouldn't want to go out with someone my son's age. You are adding 10 more years difference between yourself and this lady. Most people would look upon this as creepy sorry to say but its just rather weird.
If you are smart you will stop things before they go any further and look for a lady unattached and not a damsel in distress. I won't tell you to date someone closer to your own age but I'm sure you would have far more in common with a lady in her 40's-50's than one in her 20s
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2019): Look her bf can be violent and if he catches up with what is going up between you and his gf he might harm you and it will be on all the local and national television. Do you want to be part of such a scandal? leave them be fgs. What future is there for you in this tangle?
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (17 June 2019):
 WiseowlE, the OP may need to “get a grip”, but he does need therapy if he “can’t see how inappropriate, absurd and creepy his INFATUATION with her is, regardless of how innocent he feels it is”. That means if he “can’t” or doesn’t want to “get a grip” without professional help, he needs the therapy to help him “get a grip”. Please remember that advice can be chosen by the OP and we don’t know if they have underlying issues, so can’t tell them they don’t need professional support :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2019): Are you a fool? Do you feel like a fool? Love has nothing to do with it!
You're simply being a psychological-enabler. You actually give her your endorsement to stay with the man; because she can always run to you for comfort and a pity-party. She can tell you everything he says and does that's oh-so awful and dreadful! Yet she won't leave him! She has figured you out, and she is going to use you. You may be older, but you're not the clever-one!
You'll rant about how much you care and how rotten of a scoundrel he is. Then she will go right back to him. Family and others closer to her are probably urging her to leave her situation; but she can always count on you to be in her corner. You never admonish her, you just shower her with your infatuated-love and gloating.
In her eyes...yes, you're an old fool! She plays on your sympathy; and uses you when she needs someone's shoulder to cry on. She can play the frail and helpless drama queen. The fair maiden in distress. You're her daddy-figure. You're not in-love. It's infatuation and lust. She's not reciprocating; so it's a waste of your time and energy. She only needs somebody who won't pressure her to leave her abuser. You're the guy! Daddy cares! If she left him, she wouldn't have need of your services.
If what she is telling you is true about the abuse; then suggest she get professional-counseling and therapy from a women's support-group for abused-women.
If you won't, you're exploiting her vulnerability. You like the situation she's in; so you can appear to be her protector, comforter, and safety-net. She won't transfer her feelings from her abuser to her hero; as you may be hoping. She likes all the sappy attention and drama. You're her audience of one. You fawn over her, yet you're claiming to be so overcome with your affections. No you're not!
Sir, you're mature and experienced enough to know what's-up! Snap out-of-it!!!
If you love her so much, send her for professional-counseling and stop trying to play her noble rescuer. I hope you're not offering her any financial-assistance of any kind. Then that will also explain why she plays on your feelings; but stays with the man she has.
You don't need therapy as someone suggested. You're lonely and overwhelmed with your lust for a young and supposedly vulnerable-woman. You just need to get a grip!
I strongly suspect you've been offering her money, gifts, and bribes. If she has a man, why would she risk her neck messing with some much older-guy? Seems that might enrage her boyfriend! When does she have time to come see you about her problems, when she already has a boyfriend? Abusive husbands and boyfriends watch their victim's every move like a hawk!
So she has an infatuated older-man taking advantage of her helplessness and youthful naivete; and an abusive boyfriend who treats her badly? Seems she's in dire need of an intervention!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2019): I'm afraid what you have been feeling is infatuation not love. I also think it is quite common for men (and some women) of your age to go through this. I myself when in my twenties had one or two much older men (one in his 50s and another in his 60s) who had obvious crushes on me. The elder one even asked me out on a date which I thought was ludicrous at the time. Even my own brother I notice enjoys the company of younger women, so you are not alone. However, I'm afraid the girl in question may only view you as a father figure because you probably are her father's age (or older).
On the very rare occasion when the older man (or woman) may attract a much younger partner it is usually where there is a famous celebrity or wealthy millionaire involved, but for the average man/woman in the street it is unlikely to happen.
I also question whether your 'safe' haven would really be 'safe' as surely you would come onto her yourself at some point if you really do want her.
I think all us older/middle aged people do go through a bit of a mid life crisis like this at some point, but the majority of us hold ourselves back when we realise that the situation is just too ridiculous to ever work out in the real world.
Therefore I would just stay there as a friend if she needs you or pull away completely if you find you can't stop obsessing over her. Good luck & all the best!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2019): Sorry OP but she's way too young for you. It wouldn't be an equal relationship because of the age gap and you want to be her knight in shining armour.
If her boyfriend is abusive then she has to save herself. She can't be saved by anyone else.
You need to date women your own age, not young enough to be your daughter or granddaughter. How did you even become "friends" with this girl?
Right now you're not being fair to her. She trusts you like a father and you're harbouring feelings for her hoping for more, so she's sharing things she wouldn't share if she knew you weren't having fatherly feelings for her. You're there because you want to save her, but she doesn't want to be with you and you need to stop contact with her or you won't move on.
This isn't love OP. Love is mutual and equal. This is neither. I know it hurts, but you need to remember your age and find women in your age bracket. This truly is just a crush that you've let go on too long and now it's bordering on a bit obsessive.
She needs to look after herself, not have someone look after her - especially not someone 2 - 2.5 times her age. Seriously, OP. She's in the life stage of a young woman in early adulthood - that doesn't mesh with a middle-aged man bordering on retirement age.
If I trust someone like a dad, do you really think I'd be happy that they've hidden romantic feelings for me? No. It would make me see them differently. It's creepy. That trust is broken because they didn't tell me or leave me alone - they just kept hoping I'd change my mind.
Time to let her go and leave her alone. I know you care about her, but it's not a healthy caring, OP. You need to politely break off the friendship permanently, the same as you would with any woman your own age whom doesn't feel the same as you.
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (17 June 2019):
You might believe she is your true love, OP, but she doesn’t. You said it yourself that she treats you like a dad, so she isn’t going to change her mind and start having romantic feelings for you, no matter how nice you are to her. You need to respect that and start to get over your feelings for her.
My advice for that is to start spending less time with her. As long as you keep seeing her, your feelings will remain strong which will only hurt you in the long run as unrequited love is a painful thing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2019): Youre old enough to be her grandpa . Is there anything wrong with women your own age ? It seems many men your age think they are too good for their female peers the same age and that they deserve some babe I. The woods.
Leave her alone. Seek some counsel as to why you think girls so young are suitable partners
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 June 2019):
 I think you need to leave her be.
YOU want to be her knight in shining armor, but she rather stay with the turd in tinfoil, so leave her be.
You aren't the one she wants, and you can "save" her.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (17 June 2019):
You don’t love her. She’s barely into adulthood - THAT is why you’re her dad figure. Stop talking to her and, in the nicest possible way, grow up. It’s not realistic to genuinely believe you’re in love with her.
You’re infatuated because she’s young and vulnerable. You want to rescue her, but you need to leave her alone. IF her partner is abusive, then it’s up to her family and friends (her own age!) to help her leave him. It’s not wise for her to run to a much older man who could be her dad or even grandad!
OP, you’re lonely. You see her as a damsel to save, not an equal potential partner. This is not as noble as in a fairytale. You are too old for her by 20+ years. I’m sorry, OP, but you need to find women MUCH closer to your age and stop talking to this young woman.
If you can’t see how inappropriate, absurd and creepy your INFATUATION with her is, regardless of how innocent you feel it is, then you need to seek professional therapy to get over her. You can’t talk to her any more because you’re obsessed with trying to save her, but being with you would just make her a daughter in the relationship and she’d need saving from that too.
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