A
female
age
30-35,
*'minlove
writes:My boyfriend and I have been going out for 5 years and a month. (Since I was 12, and now I'm 17.) After 2 and a half years together, he moved across the US from me. Before he left, everything in our relationship was GREAT! He was the perfect boyfriend, and I was the near-perfect girlfriend. We had so much chemistry and everything was so romantic and intense. Everyone knew how into each other we were. After he left, we've still been together all this time, and he says he is coming back this year. The thing is, we've NEVER directly spoken or had any contact this entire time. Every piece of information I'm getting from him is what his friends (guys and girls) tell me. He apparently has a very good reason for not talking to me, though no one knows what it is. He tells his friends to tell me he loves me and that he regrets leaving. One time he was speaking to a girl friend of his and asked her, "So, any updates on my girlfriend?" She told him and then he just went like, "Okay, bye." She was like, "Aren't you going to talk about it with her?" He said, "No" and just hung up! I've been waiting 2 and a half years now, but is he really worth it? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, i'minlove +, writes (1 October 2011):
i'minlove is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you guys for your input in all this. It's good to have a fresh perspective after all this time. You've made me realize my boyfriend isn't acting so sweet anymore, but I will decide to wait for him and see what his reason(s) has been and I'll see how it goes from there. Wish me luck!
A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (30 September 2011):
Just because you say something, doesn't make it so. Actions speak louder than words. I can tell people I am the king of the moon, but it doesn't mean anything. You tell people you are together, that you are boyfriend and girlfriend, but what does that mean? Because you have no communication or time spent together, it doesn't actually mean anything. When you say you are together, then you say you are split up, then you say you are together, it doesn't actually mean anything. Nothing changes in real life, the only changes that happen are in your head. Relationships are lived out, experienced. You do not have any form of relationship, you only have a relationship status that you keep updating from being together, to not being together, to being back together, but it doesn't acutally mean anything.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (29 September 2011):
 HOW do you break up and get back together when you aren't speaking? Through friends? "Oh hey, your girlfriend asked me to tell you she's now your ex girlfriend"???
No. This doesn't fly. You've not been having a relationship any more than an imaginary one. Tell yourself what you want, but this isn't a relationship. It's a weird association with a boy who refuses to speak with you. Normally you'd say "well screw you for not talking to me, buh-bye, take care", because not talking to you does send a message that, uhm, he doesn't want to talk to you. And typically when that happens it is a sign that a relationship, and a friendship, or any form of association, is off.
A man who isn't talking to you isn't worth anything really. I mean come on, if everyone you knew decided you weren't worth talking to, would yous till hang around waiting for them to, what, change their minds and it'll all be nice and happy, or would you do what normal people do and move on? Get new friends? Cut your losses?
I mean.. what's there to wait for??? There's been no communication! You don't even know the guy any more!
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A
female
reader, i'minlove +, writes (29 September 2011):
i'minlove is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI did actually try to contact him a couple of times, but he won't talk to me directly. I know for sure that we are still together, because there have been times over the 2.5 years that we have broken up and gotten back together because of issues that were going on. We just got back together this March after having broken up for a bit.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (29 September 2011):
 If you haven't talked in 2 and a half years, .. he is not your boyfriend. The relationship is only in your mind.
This makes no sense to me, how do you figure out you are still together ? Obviously he CAN talk to other people ( your mutual friends ) , he has access to a PC or a phone, but he CHOSE to not communicate with you, for unknown reasons. Well, if these reasons exist , they should be known to you, as his girlfriend you would have been ENTITLED to know them :" Darling, for the next 3 years I won't be able to talk to you because etc. etc. but please wait for me ", at which point you could have said Ok, cool or No I won't.
Instead he pulls a Houdini on you and after 2 and a half years you still think you are together ?...
What about you ? Did you ever try to contact him in all this time ? Did you write to him ,or call him ? And if not, WHY didn't you ?...
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A
male
reader, idoneitagain +, writes (29 September 2011):
"After he left, we've still been together all this time"
Actually you haven't been together, you have been apart and waiting. Your relationship has been on hold. You might have some agreement in place where you have agreed to start your relationship again when he returns, if he returns, and you might have some agreement in place that you won't see other people until he does, but you aren't actually having any relationship now. If you were communicating, you could say you are in a long distance relationship, but there is no relationship going on, there is no communication, you are on hold. Your relationship only lives in the past as a memory, there is nothing about it in the present, because there is no communication.
Not only that, but he is actively avoiding having a relationship by choosing not to communicate with you.
Additionally, you are actively avoiding him too, because you are choosing not to speak to him, or email him or make any effort to communicate with him. You are also avoiding maintaining a relationship, you feel more comfortable to live in the dream world of your relationship which is in the past.
Your boyfriend is right, there is a very good reason for him not to speak directly to you, and it is the same reason you are avoiding talking to him. If you were to talk directly to him, you would both be confronted with the pain of realising that you aren't really together any more, that you are separate by a great distance and a great deal of time, and that life has moved on while your relationship has not. You will be confronted with the pain of not knowing if your relationship will continue when he returns, or of not knowing if he really is returning. You would have to face the possibility of admitting to one another that your relationship is actually dead, and that you might start a relationship in the future but that this is unknown. You face the prospect that he has changed his mind and is seeing other people even if he still feels that he loves you, and he might be scared to admit it. You face the prospect of him having fallen out of love with you after all this time, or deciding even if he does love you, that his life is taking him in another direction and that he is letting you go and wants you to let him go.
It might be true that you both love one another still, but love is only a small part of what it takes to have a relationship. You could love each other for 30 years but never see one another, end up marrying different people, moving on. While love can always remain, life relationships and time all move on. Time for you to start living your life as it is happening now, take your life off the pause switch and start living. That doesn't mean ending things with him, it means have the courage to start communicating with him again and see what is left of your relationship in the present, or choosing to move on and live your life that is happening now.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 September 2011):
 I sincerely hope you haven't put your life on hold for him. He's not your boyfriend. He is your EX-boyfriend and it's time you absorb this fact, okay?
It doesn't get much more weird than this story, really, he is not worth waiting one day longer for. Sorry.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (29 September 2011):
"I've been waiting 2 and a half years now, but is he really worth it? "
No.
There's no place in the world where this makes a relationship. He hasn't spoken to you for over 2 years, that means you've been single for 2 years. I'd move on if I was you, because 2 and a half years is too long to figure out you've been single the entire time. If he wants a relationship he, and you, better learn what constitutes as one.
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A
male
reader, landomando +, writes (29 September 2011):
I honestly am confused... Is this for real? U havnt talked for 2 years and you think your going out?? What kind of relationship is that?
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (29 September 2011):
 Seriously? If you two haven't been talking for 2 years, nd he has some sort of very good reason for not talking to you, then he's not your boyfriend. You two are not going out now.
With the internet, phone, and texting, he has every tool in existence to maintain a relationship with you. If he has a reason for not talking to you, he should man up and tell you. I know this is high school, but only cowards use their friends to communicate to someone.
When he asks for "updates" on you, tell your friends to tell him that he knows where to reach you, and that he isn't your boyfriend if he can't talk to you.
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