A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I’ve been trying online dating for the past month or so. I’ve been using Tinder, Bumble, and OkCupid because apparently they are the 3 most popular dating apps. I figure the more people I talk to, the better my odds of success are. I’ve talked with quite a few people and maybe 15 of those people have agreed to meet, which I think is pretty good. But then they almost always bail at the last minute! It’s really demoralizing. I’ve only actually met 2 people. The people I’ve been talking to are 20~25 years old. After some pretty standard small talk I say something like wanna grab a drink, and occasionally they say yes. We agree on a place and time 2~4 days in the future (sometimes longer). I don’t really say anything to them in the meantime because I don’t want to blow all my conversation topics before we actually meet. Then the day we’re supposed to meet, I ask if they’re still interested (invade they’ve forgotten) and they say something came up. They seem genuinely sorry. We reschedule for a day or two later and repeat. I’ve had people reschedule 4 or 5 times only to never actually meet. Is this normal behaviour? Is the whole world incapable of keeping a date? Am I doing something wrong? Am I just unlucky? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2019): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOP here,Thank you so much everyone for your insightful advice. I decided to change my approach. I had been justifying jumping to a date by saying talking in person is better than talking by text. I still believe that fundamentally, but I was inspired by youcannotbeserious’ comment about only getting more to discuss if you keep talking. Rather than trying to schedule a date as soon as possible (after a few hours of texting), I’ve been having weeks long conversations over text. I’ve had some pretty good chats with a few people, but I didn’t really feel any connections, or our discussion eventually brought up some deal breaker. Except for one person. I eventually met this person for a date and I really had a good time! We have been on 4 dates now and we seem to connect on every level. I don’t want to jynx it, but I’m feeling really really good. I’ve disabled my profiles on the apps I mentioned and I’m focusing on building a connection with this one person.
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (21 December 2018):
 I concur with everyone else around here, but would like to add a little bit of advice designed to cut through the flakiness of those sites:
The reason why Tinder, Bumble, and OkCupid are popular in terms of profiles and such is because they are free sites. Like others have said, some people are on there just for the ego boost of getting "hits", and they were never serious about actually looking for a partner. Others are catfish or married people looking to hook up and take off.
You may want to invest a little money and go for pay sites like e-harmony and match.com instead. The others on there have likewise paid to get on there, which weeds out the flakes and most non-serious. You can also find people who are more suited for you because they match people according to interests. Manners and integrity matter as well, and they'll match you up with others who feel the same way.
I know three couples who met on those sites, and all three are married now with one couple expecting their first child in two months! They were all extremely nervous about there being a "stigma", but they couldn't be happier! If I were single, I would bypass the sites you mentioned and go for pay sites to weed out the non-serious.
Good luck!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2018): Bear this in-mind when dating online. Don't be fooled by the large number of profiles you see. Many are there just to see how many hits they can get from the most attractive people, to boost their egos. They will chat with you, and charm you; but they're also reviewing all their other single and available prospects at the same-time.
They're trying to hook-up with the guys who seem to have the most disposable-cash; and more likely to take them on vacations, and splurge his money on them. If your choice of restaurants or the location of the date doesn't suit them; they may play along to the last minute, then bail!
As far as looks, maybe you might qualify in the hottie-category; but if she's a hottie too, she knows her options are wide-open, and you'll get your turn when she gets around to you. Narcissism and conceit runs rampant in online dating!
Remember, it's still the dating-world. Profiles are biased, pics are deceiving, and the best-qualities the listed are embellished. They are seldom the person they describe themselves to be. Even if you're 100% honest yourself.
Let's be honest! We're all guilty of putting on our best phone-persona. We strive to impress! It's part of the bait! You don't really know what's-up; until the day you meet, and spend some time together.
You may have given some of those women the impression you're insecure; if you talk too much about how you were let-down by your exes, seem too sensitive to rejection, or over-emphasized how much you like her. You can't like anybody until you've met them. Until then, you've had some great chat!
Don't discuss your weaknesses, or complain too much. Don't bring-up sex too much, or too soon. If she frequently alludes to the topic of sex; then proceed with caution. She might just be picking your brain to see if you're real, or just a perv/troll. Down-play sex until you know what kind of playing-field you're on. Tumblr and hookup sites may have conditioned some people in the worst ways! They forget how to behave on other dating-sites.
Sometimes people are baiting you by offering you TMI; but they're really trying to sneaky. They want unfair advantage by getting more details of who you are; than they will reveal of themselves. They may have made-up entirely fictitious self-disclosures; just referencing from the details you've exposed about yourself. Save some mystery for the date! Too much information might spook them; or give them more than they're willing to offer about themselves!
Some want a real date; not just a drink at some club or bar.
People just aren't that honorable, or offer false-politeness; because they want what they want, and they figure you probably wouldn't know the difference. So patience and realistic-expectations will alleviate a lot of your stress and disappointment.
Many are single; because they lack manners, decisiveness, or they're socially-awkward and insecure. Don't be fooled by quantity; that's how the sites draw subscribers. Some of the pics you see haven't been active for months; and some are canceled, but the account was never deactivated. They leave-up the profile photos until the subscriber becomes aware their pics are still up on the site. You don't have as many to choose from as you may think. So the few hits or replies you do get; are those leftover, who have already been through the mill. So they're a little skeptical.
Sometimes what's left are the rejects, psychos, players, and less reliable people. A giveaway is when they've been active subscribers for years. That includes those who just like to chat; but don't go any further than that. They like to keep you on the back-burner, just to see if they can do better. Some take too long to get-up the nerve for a meet-up. Some are actually married, or have boyfriends; but need attention. You're listening to them and showing interest; and that lifts their self-esteem.
Get used to weeding them out, and just move on. You haven't been at it for that long; so you'll figure it out through trial and error. Don't feel rejected, or let-down; it comes with the territory. It seems more frequent, because you do have a larger pool of prospects available to you.
Often people are speaking to several prospects at once; just as you may be doing. The winner is chosen by the process of elimination. If you're on all the popular sites, your profile and pic will be recognized. They WILL check!
The winner is the best out of the group. You might be the 2nd or 3rd in-line. You can't be offended by that; because they are not committed to a date, even if they've agreed to meet. You don't help yourself, if there is dead-air until the day of the date! They might just assume you've lost interest; or you were just stroking them along. Once-bitten, twice-shy! They have had their share of disappointments too!
Sometimes you get yourself a text-junkie; who just wants somebody to keep in-touch with, to keep her phone busy. She could be dating other guys in the meantime. If you don't seem the type to do your phone follow-up; you might get pushed to the back of the line. She probably found someone or something better to do.
Last-minute bailouts are red-flags. Some are your fault for not checking with them to make sure the date is still on. Maybe she got cold-feet, and decided maybe she's not ready. Yet there's one lady you've met who doesn't quite look like their profile pic; she's afraid you'll be disappointed.
Then you've got your screwballs; who like to tease. Leading guys on and ditching them; just because they can.
Finally, women have more to be careful of than you do.
Be patient and grow a thicker-skin. Check with your date, to be sure the date is still on. Just be reasonable about the number of contact-attempts. Don't get her addicted to too much texting, Snap-chatting, or Facebook messaging; or that's all you'll get. Like I said, some already have boyfriends; and are just looking for some attention.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (20 December 2018):
 I have to say, if I was looking to meet someone via on-line dating, had exchanged messages with someone and agreed to meet up and they suddenly "disappeared", I would be disappointed to say the least. While I understand your logic in saving something for the date, surely you can only get MORE to discuss if you keep talking and finding more things you have in common?
In addition, it sounds like you are pushing people to meet up before they are ready. They agree on the spur of the moment but then have second thoughts, especially as you then don't contact them again until the day of the meet up. Perhaps they too are talking to multiple people and decide they like the sound of someone else more? Or perhaps they assume you are only interested in meeting up (with whatever agenda that might include) and are not interested in getting to know them better as people.
Why not try putting as much effort into communicating with them after they have agreed to meet up as you did before? See if that turns out any better. Also perhaps get to know them a little better before actually pushing for a meet up.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2018): Nope, your non of these things, you are simply living in a time when people don't actually date by the natural laws of attraction. Your attraction is decided and calculated for you...... you probably have never experienced real chemistry. Not knocking online dating completely, because I know some people do meet their Mr Mrs right this way, but it's not for everyone best way is to get out there and step into real life, far more interesting and will give you real life experiences for good topics of conversation.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 December 2018):
 I think regardless of how "popular" a dating site is, the 3 you are using isn't working for you.
Or maybe it's a combo of your approach and pick of dating/pick of partner.
Your approach:
1. you think quantity over quality will land you a partner. Usually that just doesn't work IF you are looking for something serious.
2. You set up a meeting in person and then you STOP talking to them up until RIGHT BEFORE the meet up. Big mistake. It makes YOU look like you are JUST trying to hook up, score something casual, that you are MORE interested in meeting (anyone) instead of getting to know the person you were/are talking to.
3. You accept a reschedule. Don't. UNLESS the person ACTUALLY reaches out to you BEFORE you "remind" them of the meet up, to let you know something else came up. those who use THAT excuse when you "remind" them are JUST not interested or think you really ARE NOT into them as a person, shallow, only looking to hook up, a waste of THEIR time. However, instead of saying, no I'm not really interested after all, the "reschedule" which they then cancel over and over. TAKE the hint. DON'T waste YOUR time either.
It's not hard to "sound" genuinely sorry to a total stranger. Especially over text. So I'd that the whole they are so sorry.... with a huge batch of salt.
You don't sound like you are actually looking to MEET someone special. To be honest. You are looking to MEET a LOT of people.
I'd say TAKE your time trying to figure out WHAT you'd like in a partner (if that is what you are looking for), like shared interests, similar background, hobbies, faith, taste in music, movies, travel, values....
And consider - WHAT do you have to offer a potential partner?
THEN approach other people and TALK, get to know them. I would agree that I would waste too much time just chatting over text/app, but meet in person. However, don't go silent as soon as they say yes to a date. Spend those days leading UP to the date getting to know them better. That way you might have a better chance at figuring out if the other person could be a match.
As far as the site/apps you use. Well, if these are so low yield for you, TRY something new. Meetup events, hang out with friends, get involved in/volunteer in something in the community, meet people the "old fashioned way" by actually getting OUT there and socialize.
...............................
|
