A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I really don't know how to put this without seeming like the bad guy or appearing incredibly stupid. But I am going to try as I really need advice even though it seems so stupid. I have been seeing a married man for over 2 years now. He is slightly older than me but it dosen't concern either of us as far as our relationship. He has told me he will leave his wife for me once I have finished Uni and I do believe him, he told me the spark has gone between them and it is more conveniance rather than love and he feels nothing for her. He stays with her because he dosen't believe that I am old enough to commit to him in the long run but after Uni then I will. I know that there may be a hint of truth in it all as we have a mutual friend who does not know about us but has mentioned to me how little time they spend together and how he finds it a weird relationship. Anyway I saw pictures of him and his wife together a few months ago and they looked really happy. He said that he said he was at her relatives party and had to put an appearance on. However I also saw texts that he had sent to her (I looked when I know I shouldnt have) and he still tells her that he loves her on them and the one i saw last night said where are we going out for tea with a winking face!! Plus he always puts the same amount of kisses on as he does with me! Am I reading too much into it? He constantly tells me how much he loves me and that I am the only one and he has to do certain things to make sure it works as well as it can. He has told me they don't sleep together and haven't since he met me but I don't know whether to believe it. My concern is when I'm not with him I get crazy jealous, I hate this woman and she has done nothing to me I know but I can't help feeling that way. I do even feel a little hate towards him at times. I get annoyed when he goes to the gym as I think he should be spending time with me but he dosen't even think about it. I feel that he works harder at his marriage and concealing me than spending quality time with me epecially when we have only a few weeks left before I leave for Uni.Am I being paranoid? What do you think his relationship is like with his wife? I am seriously in way over my head here and I am on the verge of a breaking point! I cannot confide in anyone and its so hard to keep such a big secret. Am I the bitch in all this. I love him with all my heart he completes me in every way! I want to know whether I am the one for him.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, G Angel +, writes (9 September 2009):
Sweetheart, let me 1st aoplogise for some of the insensitive posts that have been left for u on here (especially post A female reader, anonymous, writes 19 August 2009). Clearly these people do not understand the emotional torment that u personally are going through....Ur an intelligent lady, hence why u urself have done some diging and have uncovered some detais that are concerning you (and rightly so). You have fallen totally in love with this man darlin, its clear to see and its more then he deserves to be honest...2 Years is a long time for this to have gone on, so of course its serious for u, also I would like to state if it was just to do with a 'spark' then it would have worn off by now surely... so ur affair has stood the test of time and clearly he feels strongly for you (to have continued for this lenght of time) . Does he have kids with his wife?I hate to break it to many of the ladies leaving posts for u on here, but many, many marriages are un-happy people are just so used to putting an act on for others.... none of us truly know what goes on behind closed doors...Yes okay I accept this guy is having his cake n eating it, but i do not belittle the feelings he has for you, however from the little I have read about the situation it seems he is indeed unlikely to leave her... im so sorry I do really feel for you, Bless
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2009): last female anon RIGHT ON. call this what it really is...........
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2009): I have to say,some of your replies are a load of rubbish to be honest.Sisterhood,beautifull love turned into a crime, vunarable and on it goes. what a load of rubbish, this is a case of a young woman having an affair with a married man knowing he is married, doesn't care less she is having sex WILLINGLY behind his innocent wifes back then she is here on Cupid looking for answers and sympathy to where it all goe wrong.It went wrong when you got involved with a married man hunny. I agree with the last poster who says put your self in another womans place his WIFE, bet you never even gave her a second thought while you were having sex with him her husband. He is bang out of order as he is married and was looking for a bit of a thrill, you were there to provide that for him, nothing else no commitment nothing. You are jelous of his relationship, I wouldn't be he is cheating with both of you, he has no scrupples to either his wife or you, you are bottom of the pile and always will be, yes he has wronged his wife but she doesn't know that where as you do and are still jealous OF WHAT, I think you should have a bit of time of to re-valuate your life and look at this as a lucky escape, because when he got bored with your routine then he would be out behind your back too, Ooooops forgot he already was as he will be telling his wife how much he loves her and how hard he works having to stay behind at work, just so he sneak around with. You were wrong for having an affair, you reap what you sow.
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A
female
reader, aisforacting  +, writes (19 August 2009):
 Darling, you are in love. You see only the good times. You don't want to believe the only person you care about is wrong for you. I understand it is hard to hear people say you are the bad guy because in your mind you are just fighting for the one you love.I think you should ask this man why he loves you. Why he won't leave his wife. Most importantly ask yourself what if you were in his wife's shoes.Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou 2 the two newest posts both pieces of advice are really helpful! x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2009): i think the problem with women is this- we do not have a sisterhood. guys on the other hand willswear blue blind and protect their own. very very seldom will we find a guy rating one of his own out.
Anon, i agree. the mistress is always blamed and not the married man. but it takes two to tango and both should share this prize.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2009): I've been there many many years ago. Please, don't have any illussions about this relationship. Your guy is just having an affair, like many of them do without any intention to leave his wife. I am sure he loves her as a companion and may be mother of his children, and may be they do have an occassional sex, and spark is gone that happenes to mostly all of us, but he has no intention to leave her. You are now having a spark, which eventually will go away, and then what look for another mate?There is much more to marriage than a spark. And if they have harmony in their house and mutual respect and shared interests and comfort, he'll never leave her. It doesn't sound like he is in a bad relationship with his wife. Sorry.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2009): The anonymous poster keeps saying she is just talking about hard truths, but sounds to me like she was cheated on by her man. So you two actually have a lot in common as far as pain goes. You need to be gentle with each other. That's the thing about us as women... when we love we truly are blind. We give our whole hearts, we trust, we want so much to believe... it's such a vulnerable beautiful fragile thing -- and men take advantage of that. They make a woman's beautiful love into a crime. The ultimate irony/injustice is the women blame the other woman... when the person who is REALLY to blame, the one who is truly doing WRONG by everyone, is the married man who is lying to everyone. How come no one ever blames him? The wife is betrayed and in agony, the mistress feels foolish and heartbroken.. and he's the only one who is actually happy with the situation... the selfish greedy heartless liar. And the worst part is most of the time, these men are so shallow they don't even see the damage they do. They don't get how much pain they cause. Just look at the post from baddog... he admits to cheating as casually as admitting to stealing towels from a hotel, and thinks of his conquests as sport "it's open season a students". And he thinks his wife is the bomb. He's the one who's giving you the hard truth.
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (15 August 2009):
 I agree with you when you say you're way over your head on this one.
He's living in a captain's paradise. His wife means more to him than you do.
The point is, you need to find someone that is devoted to you. Not someone that flings with you one moment and tells his wife he loves her the other.
There are times when philandering makes sense. If you are separated and seeking a divorce, if your spouse is incapable of meeting your needs and has no objection, or if your spouse is incapacitated or in a coma; then it makes sense.
But if you and your spouse have a loving relationship, why engage in risky behavior in an extramarital affair, with a single person (like you)?
Of course you're jealous. You can't handle your man not being monogamous to either you or his wife, and so you take the default position of hating his wife when you should be sypathizing with her and walking away.
Engaging in behavior with a married man is risky for him, for you emotionally and his wife.
Find someone that is into you that you can spend time with. Don't make the mistake of ending up a toy in this man's marriage.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2009): no no no, stop saying i have viciously insulted you. i merely told you some hard truths that you did not want to read. i have merely pointed out facts to you yet you viciously condemn my words. on the other hand you have been stealing this womans husband for 2 years now. bit of the pot calling the kettle black. at least my words as mere words, your actions are a different story. anyways i am so glad you finally decided to stop sleeping with this married man. now get on with the rest of your life. with single men.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2009): You deserve better than this sweetheart. Try pulling the line on him that you wont have sex with him until he leaves his wife or you two get married and see how quickly he runs.
Say he doesn't run, (in an alternative universe), would you really want to be with a guy who would cheat on his wife?? Say if you were married to him how could you possibly trust him not to cheat on you with someone even younger than you? You cant! Find someone honorable and trustworthy who will keep it in his pants.
I really hope you wake up and find a decent guy. All the best.
Male/25
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would also like to say that I was 16 when I met this man, maybe I knew no i did know that it was wrong but how to say until now I have only began to realise the serious implications and began to doubt the words that come out of his mouth. I guess when I was 16 and still now to a certain extent I believed in the fairtytale romance. It's hard to accept the change in how I felt then to how i do now. Argggh why do men prey on younger naive girls?? Can anyone answer that?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2009): Hi I am glad you have seen sense and find the sense to walk away from this terrible situation, I was the poster who said about woman being vultures by preying and having affairs with men with whom they not are married, I have most definetly been in this position in answer too "The Girl least Likely To" I am most certainly not the same person who replied to you as up until I read this story I had never seen your post.I stick by, that when you are having an affair with someone else's husband then you most definatly know what you are doing, what you are involved with and the amount of hurt and anguish caused all round.I do believe in karma and if you knowingly do wrong then in the end it will come back to haunt you.
I am glad you leaving this affair before it wrecks more lives, and you can rebuild your life and the man having the affair well he has his own concience to deal with. I did read Mae 5 story after reading about it hear and still think that for months she persued a man who had no interest in her and then she ends up feeling used for sex and you enp in your own wirds crazy with jelousy and feeling and asking if you are a bitch,I was not viscious in my comments and have no idea who the other poster is, but yes I have been in this situation and only know too well how much hurt is caused.
Good luck with your future and I hope you can meet a nice single man who is only for you not sharing you with his wife.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI wrote this. Thankyou to everyone who answered. As for the 2 anonymous posters. Grow up! One of you can't even get your facts right as he does not have children. I have no time for your vicious insults cleary never been involved in something like that and therefore have no opinion on the subject!
Everyone else thankyou so much I think I will be able to walk away it's just going to take a lot of strength. Thankyou so much!
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A
female
reader, The_Girl_Least_Likely_To +, writes (10 August 2009):
Whoever this anonymous poster is (I supect the same one as who abused me on my question) both answers beneath me, might I just say that I have never read such uncalled for, venomous bile on an agony aunt site!
For christ sakes, people want measured, intelligent, informed advice not to be insulted and ranted at.
I'm sorry but i just think it is totally, totally unhelpful.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2009): as your won words say- you are the bitch in all of this. well, only you can do something about this. yes, i believe you are incredibly naive and perhaps stupid for believeing that this will amount to anything. if you want to believe his lies then go ahead. but a picture speaks a million truths- you have the evidence of the photos, doesn't that speak volumes. you will end up like the other millions who are the other woman in a marriage. their lovers make promises, which never materialsise. if ghe is doing it woth you, he will do it to you. you are not special to him - he is keeping you just for sex and i think you are beginning to find this out. what is real is this- he is married, he has kids, you are his bit on the side. if you want to waste your life waiting to get him, well thats your choice. but if you realise that you deserve better then you know what you must do. and you can leave him, believe this of yourself. i think you also know that he has a complete marriage with his wife, send her romantic texts, goes on holiday, even has sex with her. if you believe anything else, i am afraid you are being delusional. please listen to the other aunts here. they make sense and if we all took bets whether this affair is the one, i know what i best against it becoming anything than it already is.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2009): I think reading both womans stories here,you are both having or had affairs, which means you are cheating behind someone else's back which means you don't care who gets hurt as long as you get what you want at the time, STOP blaming other men or anyone else for your deplorable behavior and take what is coming to you. You both deserve to treated like this as you both cheated on someone else's husband. You try to steal another man from his wife and family, S--G the A--E of him then when he won't leave his wife for you, you both get upset. I hope you don't meet anyone that you love and hold dear to you to then find out he is a liar and a cheat or maybe you do so you can find out what it feels like. Leave these married men alone vultures.
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A
female
reader, devastated2008 +, writes (10 August 2009):
 You need to put yourself in the wife's shoes... you have absolutely no claim on him, no rights, nothing and still you are devastated by the potential loss of him, you are jealous of her, and you are in pain. Now imagine that he's your husband, the man who has promised to love you always until death do you part, the man who sends you kissy face texts, smiles at you, and makes love to you (and I guarantee he still makes love to his wife), imagine that the man you have put all your trust/love in... is carrying on an affair with a younger, single, no children, no complicatons, no responsibilities, no history of hurts/disappoints relationship. If you are hurt now I promise the wife will be hurt a 1000x what you are feeling... it is devastating, humiliating, it rips your insides out and you want to die from the pain.
Is a man who is willing to treat his wife this way really worth waiting for? You already have the proof of how he is willing treat another person to meet his own needs. And right now he has the same proof about you. My ex's gf excuse was "I just cant hide my feelings"... what is an acceptable solution of meeting needs now will be acceptable between the two of you later when you hit the rough points ALL relationships do. And then there will be three devastated people... maybe more if children are involved.
You need to get out now! And deal with the pain you will feel in the short-term to prevent any further responsibility for the pain you will cause in the long-term... and if you can't think about her then think about yourself. Don't talk about it with him, don't think about it some more, just end it and walk away with some self-respect.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2009): I agree with all the other Aunt's and think you should listen to them, I read Mae 5 story after see'ing it on your post and do you want to end up like her, look at the date she first posted and see how many months later she is still posting, get as far away from this geezer as you can and find one man who you know is only for you, to go on with,by being here tells me you have many doubts about what he is doing and if he can cheat on his wife you are well down the log pile so he will have no doubt about cheating on you.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2009): Just to throw some more lumber on the fire - get out of it. I agree with everyone else who answered. If he is slimy enough to lie to his own wife then what makes you think he's telling you the truth? And if he is telling you the truth then you should turn off the sex tap and see if he still talks to you. If he does, and if he leaves his wife for you, then maybe you can believe him. If not then he isn't the one for you. You're young and, seeing as how you're in an active affair, desirable. You could easily find a single man who completes you AND has more to offer than this chump.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2009): I feel for you babe,so young and so much confussion in a young life, you are better than having an affair with a married man. Who want's to be a bit on the side, when I read your story it made me think about another Cupid who was in a similair situation as you, have a read at her story and see how much pain one goes through having an affair,her story is Mae5 September 18 last year "My paramour used me for sex" it's a real eye opener to what men will do and how they act and too how a woman ends up feeling after OTM have taken what they wan't and left you to clean up the mess and your life after them.
Wake up and smell the coffee, he will never treat you as any more than a bit on the side, because he knows you will be his bit on the side he doesn't really respect you as he would his faithfull wife, he may tell you all the right things and as long as you are willing to be there when he needs some excitement then he will gladly keep you hanging about.
Men will use a girl for sex, but it's not to say that they really see them as lifelong partners, they wan't to be with someone they can trust and won't muck about with anyone else behind THEIR back even though they are willing to do it themselves. DON'T let your life be wasted by someone who is married and only looking for a bit of extra, he either commits to you fully or you find a good man who only want's to share your life and all that goes with it with you and you alone. That's love not just about using someone for your extra sex, and so he can brag to the boys about, he will think he is the bollocks uing 2 woman and maybe more at one time but really he is the lowest of the low.Don't end up like Mae5 story, get your pride back and dump this loser.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2009): Well you saw the evidence when you checked his PDA and you know he's lying about the nature of the relationship between your lover and his wife. He's lying to you so he can bed you because he knows you're asking too many questions.What are you going to do now that you know? If you're weak you're gonna stay and if you're strong you'll walk.
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A
female
reader, The_Girl_Least_Likely_To +, writes (9 August 2009):
Will you private message me please? I think we're in a very very similar situation :-/
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female
reader, Fairy_Lu +, writes (9 August 2009):
 Huni wake up to the reality this man is MARRIED, he has a wife. If he wanted to be with you he would leave his wife and be with you, all this about waiting for you to leave uni is a delaying tactic, when you leave uni it will be maybe you should go travelling see the world meet new people ect.
He is NEVER going to leave his wife for you! Wake up seriously he is just telling you what you want to here he is having his cake and eating it and whats worse he is getting away with it.
Do you really want to be with someone who is cheating on his wife? You really think if he left his wife he would be with you and be faithful?
You dont have to listen to us but all the aunts have said the same we cant all be wrong.
You need to end this affair your nothing special to this man if he is cheating on his wife with you more then likely he is cheating with other girls too, do you really want to waste your life and heart on a man like this?
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male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (9 August 2009):
 Really this sounds like a very bad idea for you. I cheat on my beautiful, kind and perfect wife (I'm not being sarcastic) - as it happens I cheated today with a rather nice 19 year old fashion student - this time of year being open season on the students who've opted to stay in town over the summer. Having established my position pretty close to the bottom end of the morality spectrum, I have to say that even I look down on married men who tell young girls that they are going to leave their wives for them. He won't do it and if he does it won't work for long. Get yourself out of this situation.
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female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (9 August 2009):
 Cheating married men are the best bullshit artists in the world. They know how to feed you a string of lies to keep the sex coming and you hanging on hoping for more of a relationship. Is this the man you really want to marry, a man who has already proved that he has no problems cheating on someone he's married to? Really? REALLY?
Wake up honey. You are providing him with free sex and companionship and you're not getting anything serious from him. When it comes down to brass tacks he is going to string you along even longer - "oh, the divorce is so hard on her, wait just a little longer," which turns into longer, and longer, and you wake up one day and the best of you is wasted on a man who's still married and a liar. Their marriage is not dead if he's texting her how much he loves her. They don't spend much time together because he is too busy screwing around outside the marriage!
If you get with this guy permanently you'll end up being the next cheated on wife. If they do it with you, they will do it to you. Find a guy who is single and honest.
Good luck.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2009): You are not for him. He obviously loves his wife as he should. If you have some " goodness" left in your heart, you will let him be with his wife. Can your conscience take it that you're breaking a family? If you can, then I hope karma hits you soon. Men will have an affair when given an opportunity. They like that "thrill" they get when cheating but this doesn't mean they don't care for their wives. You see he will tell you sweet things, he will tell you negative things about his wife to make you feel good, therefore you'd fall more from him and you'll have sex as he wants. This is human nature so wise up. You're just his part-time lover. What you're doing is very ungodly and I hope you wake up and decide to do the right thing. Marriage is a commitment. When you're together , who's to say he won't cheat on you?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2009): You should be paranoid because I'm sure he's lying when he says he doesn't have sex with his wife, and that he isn't happy when they do things together. He's happy to the extent that he's not going to leave his wife because he's having his cake and eating it too.
I found it funny how he says you're not old enough and won't be ready to commit until you leave uni... and what about his commitment? His commitment to his wife? He's being a hypocrite. He can't commit to you or his wife.
I'm sorry, but he's not going to leave his wife for you. By saying he'll wait until you've finished uni, he's stringing you along so he's got sex for a few more years before you realise that nothing's going to happen.
Try to realise now before you spend your uni life single because of him, when you could be getting to know guys your age that are single. This will probably be hard to accept but it's more than likely true, and as icelordess said, most married men do not leave their wives.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2009): Darlin, I feel you. I so do. But you need to wake up. Love, good love, is supposed to come into our lives and make us feel good, happy, fullfilled. If it doesn't, if it torments and hurts us, then it's not good love. It's toxic love, and we need to walk away. We need to take care of ourselves. I heard a great quote that said "ladies when it comes to romance, don't pay any attn to what a man says, only what he does". This is so true. If there is one thing I have learned about men, it's that they do exactly what they WANT to do. If he was unhappy in his marriage and wanted to leave, he would leave. If he wanted to be with you, he would be with you. If he's not leaving? He doesn't want to. It's so easy for men to lie. For them to tell us what we want to hear. You deserve real love, not a fantasy of words that doesn't also exist in your life. Stop making excuses for him. Tell him this affair is not good for you mentally and emotionally, you cannot be with him as long as he is married. Then cut off all contact and go take care of yourself. You deserve a man who will love you and take care of you. Making you hide in the shadows is NOT taking care of you - it's putting you in hell. Get yourself out. Now.
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