A
male
age
41-50,
*E125
writes:I've been out of HS for 15 years now but I do still keep in touch with my Spanish teacher, because she was more than a teacher to me, she was a strong support and I know for certain I would not be where I am today had it not been for her support and encouragement. Full disclosure she is married and 15 years older than me, she's 50 with 3 kids. I have no romantic interest in her or anything inappropriate and we stay in touch because she made her cell # available to me when she took down mine the last time our paths crossed. She said "well now I can text you." Would it be ok or appropriate to ask her to have lunch sometime to catch up and mostly as a small gesture for me to say thank you for everything she did to make sure I made it through HS in one piece and sane! She was one of the best friends I ever made, and I want to make sure she knows that. My reason for asking this question is I'm not sure how she would react, given she is married. I hope she would know me well enough by now to know that my intentions are very innocent and pure. I miss her presence in my life, and I think I should share how I feel and the impact she had on my life. She's not an overly attractive person, and is kind of getting on the heavy side, but I don't care about that, because it doesn't change how I feel and I feel like doing something for her now that we have reconnected after quite a few years. Is extending an invitation to lunch ok? Thank you
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male
reader, BE125 +, writes (5 August 2015):
BE125 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you again. I'm not married to the idea of asking her to go to lunch, I just thought it was a possible way to say thank you. This lady is basically old enough to be my mother! She's over 50 so I would hope nobody would think anything inappropriate would happen, and frankly to be brutally honest for the sake of informing everyone, she's no beauty queen by any means and she's kinda overweight, but that certainly does not have anything to do with the fact I think she's one of the best friends I've ever made. I think some of the best friends we ever make in our lives are ones from High School, and I think it's entirely possible some of those friends may not be students, they may be teachers. With that said, I do agree about always having the husband involved, that's the reason I have not texted her much, I'd rather have her initiate a text because I'm very sensitive to him and his feelings and I would never want to cause a problem between them, especially if there is a social gathering, etc. and honestly I would want him involved, I liked the guy, and he was very nice to me. Thanks again.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (5 August 2015):
 You're correct about the texting alone. You can't translate that to a blanket "he approves of me, so let's just ask her to lunch and not worry about him because he approves" sort of thing.
The "let's text" in front of her husband was a social nicety. Asking her to lunch is a different thing altogether. It's not the same thing. You didn't just bump into her at a mutual social gathering this time.
She may say no to you, but if you are honest with yourself and want this to be platonic (I looked over your other posts and you are in the market for a romance), you need to do it the right way. Let her husband get to know you well beyond the social niceties and small talk. Show him respect. Go to lunch with BOTH of them! Think the LONG game. Platonic friendships in marriages do work if you take the time to be NOT a threat in his eyes.
Even the most secure spouse is aware that social media has the epidemic of romantic nostalgia, where married people have mid-life crises, start talking with people they knew in HS, and start either reliving the past or they act out on crushes they were too shy to in HS. Live in the present, and that means that you treat her as if she is MARRIED, and you treat her husband with respect and the marital boundaries with respect. If he's not okay with it, then better luck next time. But he WON'T be okay with it if you don't do it right.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (5 August 2015):
 I think you need to be sensible here. I suggest you always meet her when her husband is also present. Then there is no risk of anything inappropriate happening.
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A
male
reader, BE125 +, writes (5 August 2015):
BE125 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks ladies, just a little follow up, the way it happened was I saw her and her husband at a fundraiser in June at the school. He knows me, and who I am, but we are not on a first name basis, etc. but he is a great guy and very well educated and well spoken. Before I left the fundraiser I went over to see her, she recognized me right away and got up and came over and gave me a hug and we spoke for about 10 minutes. I spoke with her mostly but I also spoke with her husband too. Before I left I asked if we could get a picture taken, so one of her friends at the table took the photo of us and sent it to her phone. Then I asked her if I could get the photo too. So she put my number in her phone so she could send me the photo, and that's when she said, "now I can text you." Her husband was right there the whole time. I had told her that my uncle was with me and he's a terminal cancer patient so that's why I had to leave early, he was getting tired. Couple days later I sent my contact info to her via the iPhone contact export thing, and she replied and wrote a nice and encouraging note which I appreciated and at the end of the note she said "keep me posted." Aside from that, I've only text her 2 times, and one was an update on my uncles condition since he had declined quite a bit. She replied and as she always did back in high school, gave me comforting words saying she would keep me and my family in her prayers. The other time I texted was on Father's Day as a group text wishing all the fathers a happy Father's Day. I included her because she has 3 kids, 2 entering college and one in HS, and so I wanted to make sure included her for her husbands sake of being a father. thats all the contact we've had in the 2 months I've had her number. I was sensitive to the fact she is married so that's why I haven't texted her much. But I'm presuming she's ok with the fact I have her number, and her husband certainly knows I do because he was there to see it happen. So I am operating under the assumption she did not mind letting her number get to my phone lol. Would I be correct in that much? Thanks!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (5 August 2015):
It would not be appropriate unless her husband knows and is in full support. In fact, inviting them both to lunch may be the way to do if you want to display that this has nothing to do with anything inappropriate.
If you were married, you wouldn't feel right about some guy asking your wife to lunch behind your back. The secret is to do everything as above board as possible and out in the open. I have no problem with platonic friendships in marriage, but in order to make them work, you get the spouse's blessing. What works better is getting the spouse's rapport and maybe friendship as well. My husband has friends who are women. He goes out to lunch with them on occasion, and I know when he does it. None of it bothers me, because he doesn't hide a thing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2015): Drop her a text - after all, she's the one who instigated swapping numbers :) I'm sure she'd really appreciate a catch up with you! Good luck :)
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