A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Is it normal for your boyfriend to complain about you to a friend? Do the circumstances matter?I know that I've discussed concerns I have about my boyfriend or about our relationship to friends, but because ultimately I believe my boyfriend is a good person and I love him, I don't like to put him in a bad light. But I feel like my boyfriend was just trying to bond with his friend or something and was just pretty much talking crap. He's not even close to this friend, and in fact even he thinks his friend is a real jerk (and I've told him I don't like him because he's a real jerk, he's just really rude, and he and his wife are always screaming and arguing with each other at inappropriate times and places). I just feel betrayed, but I admit I'm also bothered that this guy and his wife know something bad about me. I think I'm annoyed even more because my boyfriend and I had gotten into an argument, and I thought we worked it out, but he went ahead and told this friend anyway even though my bf knows I think he's a jerk. I told my boyfriend how I feel, but I'm still bothered (and I don't want to bring it up yet again....)Is this just normal? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2012): it depends. It's normal and OK to complain to friends about your S.O. if the following applies:
(a) you don't disclose really really personal stuff about your S.O. that you know would embarrass them and that they wouldn't want the whole world to know.
(b) you don't go overboard with the complaining and criticizing
(c) you can complain about what your S.O. does, but refrain from making personal attacks on them behind their back e.g. labeling them "an idiot" and so on. This is just not classy.
if I was talking to someone I wouldn't mind if they complained about their S.O. but if they told me their S.O. was an idiot or other nasty personal attack, or if they disclosed information about their S.O. which I would think is way too personal to be shared with me, I would think very badly of the person doing the complaining.
You can really dislike someone like a boss or co-worker, but going around bad-mouthing them behind their back to other people is just not classy. What more if the person is their S.O.
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (15 March 2012):
 What if it makes no sense complaining to you?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2012): yea, it's normal to feel betrayed.
you said you don't wanna bring it up again, if i may disagree? i think you should talk about it with your bf, make things clear, tell him that you didn't like what he did, tell him that it's not a big deal but you were hurt, tell him what you REALLY FEEL.
trust me, talking about what's bothering you is always better than keeping it as a secret, because eventually, too many "little" problems that remain unsolved can ruin a relationship.
so... YES IT'S NORMAL TO FEEL THAT WAY and if you love him, talk to him, in a CALM way, when u're both CALM AND RELAXED!
hope it helps :)
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (15 March 2012):
 It's normal. I don't think it's healthy for the relationship, or even for the individual doing the complaining, so I really don't recommend it, but so many people do it that it definitely counts as "normal."
Guys tend to complain about girlfriends to only one or two of their friends, or at most a small group. It matters more that the friend can identify with them, and less that they're close. It doesn't matter that the guy is a jerk - might even help, in this case. Basically, he wanted to vent at someone who would understand where he was coming from.
"Normal" does not mean "right," though. If millions of people do something stupid, it's still stupid. But most people don't really stop to think before doing something stupid if it feels normal to them, so I wouldn't dump him over this. Instead, talk to him about it. Don't start a fight, and don't let him start one. Don't hold this over his head or accuse him of anything, just solve the problem. Tell him, politely but firmly, that you believe certain parts of your relationship ought to be private, just between the two of you. Tell him you understand the need to vent, and that you aren't going to hold the last one against him (not ever, even if it happens again), just that you want to make things right and move on. Obviously, this will be much easier to sell if you have a history of keeping things private from your girlfriends; if you've spilled things in the past, own up to it and promise to stop.
See if that leads to improvement. If it doesn't, consider breaking up, but for now, I think it's something you could fix.
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