A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'd kind of planned on waiting until marriage to have sex, but then I met my first boyfriend. We're an LDR couple and I lost my virginity to him late last year. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret it at all, it felt so right when it happened! We're very serious about each other and will hopefully get married one day (I'll be 20 and he'll be 23 this year).My issue is one of birth control; condoms have always been our contraceptive method of choice. I know my boyfriend doesn't like them much. I'm reluctant to take the pill for medical reasons, but I'd quite happily have an IUD fitted. The thing is, I wouldn't want to stop using condoms unless we were married since I really want to save *something* for our wedding night...I haven't yet told my boyfriend this, because I'm concerned it makes me sound like a hypocrite. I mean, we've already had sex, so it shouldn't make any odds - and yet it does to me. He asks me from time to time when I'm thinking of getting an IUD, and I know he's eager to make love without any barriers between us. I don't know what to say to him. Do you think it would be fair of me to ask that we keep on using condoms? Am I being ridiculous for feeling it would make a difference?I'd really appreciate other opinions :/ Thank you x
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condom, lost my virginity, the pill, wedding, wedding night Reply to this Question
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female
reader, person12345  +, writes (5 April 2012):
 DanielPew what I meant is that it's a big difference for men AND for women, not that it doesn't make a difference.
A
female
reader, adamantine  +, writes (20 March 2012):
 Danielepew, I'm pretty sure person12345 meant that the woman can feel the difference without condoms too, not just the man.
And to the OP, there's no problem in asking to continue to wear condoms. I just don't get why you want to save it for your wedding night when you've already had sex (a number of times I assume). Also you should know whether or not your partner has STD's. It would be smart for him to get tested if he had sex before you.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (18 March 2012):
 Person12345:
It's not just a difference for the guy at all.
This is just not so. Ask guys and see what they say.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (18 March 2012):
I think I see where you're coming from and speaking as a woman, I can tell you there is an enormous difference for you the first time you have sex without a barrier method. It's very different and imo much more intimate feeling. It's not just a difference for the guy at all.
I personally would never bother switching off condoms while in a LDR because there are side effects to all methods and I wouldn't want to put up with any of them if I was only having sex a few times a month.
I think you should do whatever feels right to you. Yes without condoms feels better for both people, but I'd hardly say wearing them is torture. It's certainly not more suffering than what some women experience in the form of side effects from the pill.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (18 March 2012):
I understand Yos' point of view, and I share it, but I believe that using condoms would be the practical thing for the time being.
The poster is not thinking about diseases, and is not concerned about contraception. She wants to "save" the experience of skin-to-skin sex for their wedding night. Of course boyfriend sees the point, but let's say every male would agree to having a "special" encounter long before marriage.
I think that, for the time being, condoms would be the most practical choice. Why mess with the poster's hormones if their encounters are not that frequent, since they are in a long-distance relationship?
On the other hand, someone could argue that it would be best to be extra-sure no kids would be on the way, and that could perhaps mean the IUD AND condoms :-).
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (18 March 2012):
 I don't think putting the IUD in would take away the specialness on wedding night. Whatever your decision is, make it firm and do not go over them, the pros and cons. All he is interested is the yes or no answer. I don't see why he couldn't wear condoms for a while because for many years you would be on birth control with its side effects. I understand hesitations on starting birth control but your boyfriend plays no part in creating this kind of anxiety. You can express your feelings towards this but don't make him responsible when you feel uncomfortable when you first start birth control, when your body is getting used to it. You can ask for his moral support when you are going through mood swings and discomfort. What won't be fair is to blame him for your decision making if things go wrong. All you have to say to him is you are not ready to put the IUD in, and that you will tell him when you are ready. You don't have to mention anything about saving yourself for the wedding because I would assume that many people don't believe the importance.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2012): OP hereI'd never, ever try to force my boyfriend to consent to something which would make him miserable. The main reason why we'd been using condoms up until now is because we're long distance at the moment, and see one another in person once every other month on average. So sticking with a barrier method over something more long lasting seemed like the logical thing to do when we first started sleeping together.The issue I've raised today is one which has started bothering me fairly recently. Of course it's entirely open to discussion; my boyfriend would have every right to object if he deemed it an unreasonable request, and I'd be more than willing to let go of the idea if he didn't agree. Really, I'm just wondering if it makes sense to anyone else as a thought in itself, or if I'm being daft.Thanks a lot for your input, guys :)
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 March 2012):
 I think using condoms every time is the SMART thing to do, it is NOT just the woman's job to prevent pregnancies and STD's.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (18 March 2012):
 I find it a very strange request to be honest.
You are asking him to do something that only really effects him (wear a condom) because you feel it's right. Your emotions around your virginity are making you feel that 'something has to compensate' and you've chosen a thing that only (and negatively) effects him. Its... quite irrational.
I don't think its really fair. Given that he loves you and it makes a difference to you, I can see why he agreed to it, up until now. But given you love him too, maybe you would let him off this hook? Right now he's doing all the suffering for a decision you were 50% responsible for.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (18 March 2012):
If you think that it's going to make a difference to how you experience your wedding night, that's your prerogative. Tell your bf about your feelings on the issue and then decide together. Don't keep him guessing or wondering. It's all about the idea and if such a thing helps make it feel more special, why not keep using condoms for a little while more.
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