A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello,My live-in boyfriend and I (been together for a few years) had a huge argument last night that started right before we went to sleep. He's very much the conflict-avoidant person whereas I like to talk about the issue until it is resolved. He told me that he needed to go to sleep several times and tried to ignore me (which made me angry) and also told me to shut up (which made me angrier), so I felt like I really had to get the last word in (but this just led to a cycle of yelling/insulting). Because of the sleep deprivation (we woke up at around 7:00am), my boyfriend said that the argument last night was 100% my fault. And now he is avoiding me by not coming home (staying late at work, trying to find people to go out drinking with). So I have several questions:1. Are arguments ever entirely 1 sided? Like it is true that the argument last night was 100% my fault?2. Is it healthy (and normal) behavior to avoid your significant other as much as possible, until you've decided that you're ready to see them? I find it quite hurtful that almost after every argument now, he avoids me in such a fashion (and he also tries to go out drinking and stays out as late as possible). But I don't know if his behavior is reasonable and I should just suck it up ..? 3. What can I do? If I ask him to come home earlier, he will stay out even later (he says it's not to spite me; he says that if he comes home, we will argue with 100% certainty). If I don't do anything, he will still come home as late as possible (because he knows it bothers me that he avoids me) 4. Also, can people with such different conflict styles (avoidant vs confrontational) work out? Thank you
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2012): "Are arguments ever entirely 1 sided? Like it is true that the argument last night was 100% my fault?"I feel that in this particular situation that yes it was 100% your fault. Maybe not in previous arguments you've had but the one you described here, yes. Why? because you refused to respect his need to get some rest so you started it. If you dont' respect your partner's needs you have no grounds to expect them to respect yours. Just because YOU want to hash things out right now and don't want to wait til morning, you had to completely disregard the fact that he wanted to get some sleep. You should instead have made an appointment with him to discuss the problem and let him pick the day and time, so that you can both get what you want - you get to talk about it at some point, but he gets to have his sleep for now. And also the cycle of yelling and insulting, if you partook of the insulting then that's your fault too. And if he also did it, well, you started it."Is it healthy (and normal) behavior to avoid your significant other as much as possible, until you've decided that you're ready to see them?"No it's not healthy for the relationship, but it is a healthy and normal response for him to how you have been treating him. He's just protecting himself from attack, and self-preservation (or preservation of mental health) is a healthy response.Let me put another way. If you kept kicking at your dog every time it came near you, sooner or later it will do anything to avoid you even though technically you are its owner and do still give it food and water. (Some dogs may bite you in response to being attacked, others will avoid you. either way, whose fault is it that the dog is behaving the way it is?)...So then you ask other dog-owners is it healthy or normal that your dog avoids you and doesn't want to come near you. The answer is that no it's not healthy for the relationship between you and your dog, but it's the dog's normal and healthy response to how YOU are treating it. The dog is just doing what it needs to do considering the adverse situation it's in. Other dog-owners who don't kick their dogs, have dogs who don't avoid or bite them but who want to be around them. Same with your partner. His avoidance is not healthy, but it's because YOUR behavior is not healthy or normal either, not just your partner's. His behavior is a perfectly normal response to the abnormal situation that he was put in which is the highly stressful and anxiety provoking situation that is being around you. "I find it quite hurtful that almost after every argument now, he avoids me in such a fashion "Well then you shouldn't have behaved in ways that drove him away. You need to take responsibility for your role in creating this situation and creating these avoidant responses in him. In this particular latest situation when he kept trying to ignore you, that is a clear sign that no further interaction from you is going to be welcome. So why did you continue to harass him? And yes, continuing to badger someone who is clearly trying to ignore you, IS harassment and it's no surprise that it makes them hate you even more. If this is a repeating scenario in your household, no wonder he tries to avoid you by staying out late. No guy in his right mind would voluntarily hang around you to get pestered and harassed even more. He would either fight back with equal poison if his personality was like yours, like the dog who would bite you if you kicked it (and I doubt you would enjoy this much better, you may think that attention and drama is better than being ignored but if he really did I dont' think you'd be all that happy) or if he's like your boyfriend he would simply avoid you. Either way, your boyfriend's behavior shows that he Does Not Want To Be Around You. If someone doesn't want to be around you, it's probably because of how you have been treating them."What can I do? If I ask him to come home earlier, he will stay out even later (he says it's not to spite me; he says that if he comes home, we will argue with 100% certainty). "You need to start being way more considerate of his needs, and more compassionate towards him, and giving up some of your desires to have things done your way including how and when conflicts get resolved. That means you need to stop trying to get your way. And you need to exercise more self-control in the words you say and in the level of negative emotion you hurl at him. Think about how you look to him. Do you think you look loving, attractive, welcoming, trustworthy, when you're spewing venom at him? Of course not. So you need to put his needs first. You may have a confrontational personality, but that is no excuse for refusing to consciously change your behavior to something better and less poisonous. Instead of demanding your boyfriend change his personality to match yours, why don't you change yours to match his first? You need to show your boyfriend respect and consideration before you can demand that he show the same back to you.So you need to set aside how YOU want to resolve the issues, and work really hard to try and resolve it in his style. You need to stop insisting he do things your way. You need to stop yelling and insulting him no matter how angry you are. Yes that's right - no matter how angry or hurt you are, you need to cut the verbal abuse. Hey, SOMEONE has to start behaving better right? Since you've been so entrenched in this toxic pattern for so long, expect that your new behavior and hard work to change yourself, wont' lead to him suddenly being all cooperative and accommodating. Life is not that easy. You don't get to tear your partner down for years, then one day decide to change, and expect them to welcome you with open arms within a month. With the dog analogy again - if you've been kicking your dog for years and then one day you decide to stop, that dog isn't going to suddenly want to hang around you. It may take that dog years of not being kicked anymore before it will feel comfortable to be near you.You've punished and 'attacked' your bf so many times by now that he's not going to trust that the "new you" who is less toxic and poisonous is the real thing or permanent, he will continue to do what he does that upsets you like avoiding you. Expect that, plan for that so that you won't slide back into your old reactive ways. continue to stick with your new better behavior even if he's not responding in the way you want. You have to stick with it for a long time without slipping back into your old pattern before you can hope to see him change his own behavior some day. If you refuse to do this (and yes it is a choice), then the only thing I can recommend is to break up because this relationship is not working as it's creating more discord and tension and unhappiness in both of your lives than if you were not together at all. (Or you could wait for him to some day break up with you when he can't take it anymore.)
A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (27 April 2012):
 1. It could be that the issue can never be resolved because of personal differences. He may not seem to care about the issue as much as you do.
2. It is healthy to step outside of heated emotions but you should come back and talk about it once you calmed down.
3. You should shift your focus on your own life. He feels that you are fixating on him and the relationship too much. Do or learn something that inspires you. Maybe he will be interested in hearing from you.
I don't think a style sticks with you for life. Every relationship is different. I have been both dominant and submissive, avoidant and pursuer, active and passive. Depends on the other person. The problem is insisting the other person to think like you.
4. It can work out. Try what I suggested. There should be a balance between connection and passion. Connection is when you share similar things like friends do. It keeps you together like a glue. Passion is discovering differences. Opposites attract but they also get into heated arguments. Right now you have too much passion. Cool down a little bit. Relationships are like shifting currents.
If you have a next relationship you won't be tackling the same issues. You may even be surprised how easy it is because you are with the right person. Too much arguments is not a good sign.
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