A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Over seven weeks ago me and my boyfriend of over two years split due to him falling in love with someone else. I met someone 4 weeks later, and knew in my heart that it really was too soon. First date went well, but I did cry on him as was still hung up on the ex. He persisted and we met again, however on the third meeting, I blew him out. I said it felt too soon etc. Cut a long story short, he did stay in touch and I did rather silly now meet him for coffee and felt chemistry and the potential that something could happen if I allowed it to. So we gave things a go for a week things went well, but I still had niggle doubts. He had three kids who stayed alternate weeks with him and that freaked me out a bit. It all came to a head when we went out for the day Monday. It was the worse day ever as again I rejected him, said basically I am still I love with the ex. I completely messed it all up. He was gutted, I hadn't realised he had fallen for me already. But that in itself made me a bit angry as he knew I was still possibly hung on my ex and needed time. Everything had happened so fast! I left him that day feeling like crop and no doubt he does too. He no doubt feels bitter and hates me. I am not having any more to do with him as it just isn't fair, I blew hot and cold on him and said he deserves better. I still feel really bad for what's happened. I don't regret my decision now to not be with him. I do however feel very low and only and would love to meet the right person. I fear it is still too early and couldnr bring myself to treat someone how I have tested him, if it were to happen again. Yesterday my ex confessed he still loves me as I still owe him, but he is with the girl he fell in love with and knows he needs to set me free to meet someone special and I am hoping I can eventually let go of the love I still have for him. I have taken myself away for a couple days to clear my head, but already I am moping and can't think straight. I feel in an emotional mess and not sure where to go from here?
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2014): I'm glad you realized that you cannot enter a new relationship only a few weeks after a breakup.
It would only be proof that you're seeking shelter from pain, and as soon as the pain lets up; you're not going to need that person anymore. It's how rebound feelings begin. The pain makes you seek a painkiller; and as soon as you feel better, that person doesn't mean the same as they did when you were hurting. In fact, you don't want them around anymore; because you need space and time to let yourself heal. You may as well detach from him, the tighter you try to hold on, the more you'll feel the agony.
Your subconscious-mind knows he's gone; but your conscious mind refuses to accept it. Listen to your subconscious, it is struggling to convince you to let go. It accepts the truth; and gets really stubborn when it can't start the process for your healing and detachment process.
The guy you met couldn't fall in-love that fast. He may have cared for you; but mostly, he didn't want to feel rejection. He may have really liked a lot about you; but couldn't be that deeply attached so soon.
It may take you a few months to regain some control over your emotions, and deal with your grief. You'll still fill a slight sting; but you'll feel a lot better than now. We get too anxious to stop feeling grief and loss; then we start getting depressed and hopeless. We obsess on losing someone; like the world ended when they left. Well, if he were so wonderful and deserved so much grief, wouldn't you still have him? He didn't love you enough to stay.
He found somebody else, and whether or not he still loves you is irrelevant. So flush that out of your memory and your heart. He's a dick who stole your heart, and gave his to someone else. Now think about that before you spill more "love" in his direction. Stop telling yourself you still love him; and tell your subconscious you're working to get over him. He's another woman's problem now.
Push yourself to enjoy life all the same. Distract yourself by spending quality time with your family and best of friends. Don't get caught-up in being a drama-queen and crying all over the place and falling apart. You're a woman and not a teenage girl. You still have dignity and grace, and no man should tear your soul apart. It means you put too much faith in a relationship; and didn't get enough back for all you invested. Now you feel there is nothing left. You have "you" left. Now you tap into your inner-strength and bring yourself back. As you have times before. If you're over thirty, you've survived a broken heart before.
He made you feel like you weren't good enough; because he found someone so soon. That's not it. He wasn't the right one for you. A lot of your pain stems from feeling that having a man is what gives you value and validation. Take him from you, and you go to pieces. This is good for you, you need to rebuild from the inside out. That's what happens in the end. You grow stronger, more independent,
and you learn to save a little love for yourself. Having love for yourself on reserve; helps you get through the lonely times, and helps you to reclaim power stolen from you. You surrendered far too much of yourself, now start taking some of it back. The first two months hurt the most.
We don't lose things meant for us to keep. If we do, then we maintain the hope there is always something better for us in the future. We move on. We are given a lifetime to recover from losses; so start your healing, and take some time-off from suffering. Allow some joy in. Go home to your family and feel the love. Fill-in all the gaps with love from people who will always be there for you, no matter what. That's what I did.
A
female
reader, Sweet Dreamer xxx +, writes (27 August 2014):
 Have you ever heard the saying "You can't help who the person is that you fall in love with"?
It's not his fault that he's fallen for you, just like your ex couldn't help falling in love with his current girlfriend (while still with you!) and just like you can't help still being in love with him.
The fact that this guy has fallen for you so quickly after you cried on your first date shows that he obviously thinks very highly of you! Don't think badly of this, in fact this should show you that your still desirable after what your ex has done, (I'm sure I'd feel unworthy if my partner fell in love with someone whilst still with me). Please don't let yourself feel bad for his feelings!
Dating someone so soon after you guys broke up was probably a bad idea if you know your not over your ex, many people make this mistake. You need to learn to hate him, I know it sounds harsh but its the only way you'll get over him. Spend some TLC time by yourself and use your friends as a support network, I found that being on my own after my partner broke it off would only make me feel worse, instead I went out with friends for drinks and shopping, listening to music when on your own can stop you thinking about him. This is the only way you'll stop feeling so bad about this.
Most importantly you need to know that none of this is your fault and that one day you'll find something even better.
The philosophy I go by is that 'Everything happens for a reason!' this reminds me that something better is going to come along and you need to sort yourself out before looking for something better.
I wish you luck for the future :)
Sweet Dreamer xxx
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (27 August 2014):
 Give yourself a break, you only broke up 7 weeks ago
You did right to end it with the new man, he wasn't the answer to your problems, he would never replace your ex just now. Maybe if you had met a year after your split. He was a rebound.
You need to go into no contact with both him and your Ex
It's time to heal, to spend time spoiling yourself, meeting with friends, changing your life - slowly. Eventually you will recover, there will be bad days, but then there will be nothing but good ones.
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