A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend recently went on a stag do to Prague and whilst he was there he went to a strip club and the whole group paid for a lap dance off of 2 dancers. Before he left for Prague, I told him that it would really upset me if he got a lap dance and he assured me that he wouldn't as he doesn't like strip clubs anyway. I feel really betrayed and disappointed, I actually feel sick to my stomach. He says I'm overreacting and thinks it's ridiculous I'm upset about it. I really don't know how to deal with it. I love him so much and we have two children together but this has made me question our whole relationship because he can't respect my wishes enough. What should I do?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2018): Poor you, even as a man I know how upsetting it is to find your partner has done things you don't like / understand why etc. Yes, as others have said, you were pretty naive not to realise a stag do wouldn't involve drunkenness and naked women at some point.
You need to work out what it is that upsets you and explain it to your partner. If it's because you feel he did something you didn't want him to do ? And if so what did he do exactly? He was there, did he organise it? It doesn't sound like he paid for a personal lap dance, he was with a group that probably paid for a girl to take whatever clothes she had on, off, and spread her legs wide in front of the groom, not you partner. You can't really think that your partner would go wait outside till she's put her panties on?? If you didn't already know, most heterosexual men do like looking at naked women, (I presume it works the other way around too). Just occasionally the girl with no clothes on enjoys being an exhibitionist, but usually it's all a bit sad and sordid.
Talk with your partner, explain not what, but why you're hurt. To be honest maybe he was also being a bit naive telling you. To be honest I never mentioned a word to my wife about my drunken night out with a group of guys.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2018): Here's the thing. It seems being "pussy whipped" is like having the plague amongst male buddies. And if you go against them to appease your wife/gf they tease you mercilessly. Guys hate that because it challenges their masculinity. So, he caves. Still not good. Men need to stop seeing it as pussy whipped but rather choosing to respect their partners wishes.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (16 August 2018):
 I totally get why you are upset. I don't think it is about the dance it is more about the fact that he knew how you felt. On my husbands stag party the paid for him to have a dance (no touching) when I heard I felt uneasy and upset. Which really shocked me as I never thought I would have. Mind you it was a few weeks before the wedding and my emotions where all over the place. I cried, he cried! He felt bad but I realized he didn't actually think he was doing anything wrong at the time while he was drunk and they paid for it. Yes it took me a while to get over it but it was never going to be a deal breaker for me as I trust him. It was just the idea of another woman doing that to my husband that made me sad! However fast forward to the start of this year and he was on another stag for his friends wedding, I knew they would be going to strip clubs and he reassured me to no end there would be no dances he would never do it again. He even said he wouldn't go to the club if it made me feel better. Off course I trust him and I told him to go why should he miss out. Although I new he felt uncomfortable but as a groomsman he felt he had to go. So fast forward to the night they went. He was talking to me telling me he was on his own as all the other boys went in for a group dance. I felt awful that he was out on his own and actually told him to join them on the next one. But no he wouldn't. He didn't want to and he sat out on his own for a good chunk of the night. He had a girl continuously coming up to him. I guess she felt he was a challenge. He told her a lot that he was married and she said it didn't make a difference most customers where. He said he would never do it as he only had eyes for me, she proceeded to get annoyed asking was she not attractive and that he was weird and strange for turning her down! Even though I felt bad he wasn't part of the group I also felt happy that he would never go there again. So I get totally why you are unhappy as your boyfriend knew before he left how you felt and he done it anyway. Shame on him. Told allow anyone to say you cannot feel how you do. It is up to you now if this is a deal breaker or not.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2018): I agree totally with jls . It's time people stopped blaming women for men's bad behaviours around these types of things . Men are not uncontrollable animals who can't control their sexual desires and women don't just have to tolerate this disrespect . You discussed this beforehand , he broke his word . He also did something highly inappropriate for a man who is in a relationship . This is not honouring you, your relationship or your body.
Decide if it's a deal breaker and make a decision for your future
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (15 August 2018):
I think some of the posters here have been very harsh to you OP. You discussed this with him beforehand and explained your position on it, to which he agreed, then he went off and did the exact opposite. Yet it’s apparently your fault for not realising he would ‘give in to peer pressure’?!
I’m sorry but he told you he wouldn’t do it, then he big fat did it anyway! The fact this is about a lap dance is actually irrelevant (although I agree with you it’s not really acceptable for a man in a relationship to get one). The issue is he gave you his word that he wouldn’t get one then went back on it. Then to rub salt in the wound, he tried to make out that you’re overreacting for being upset!
I honestly don’t know how anyone can say this is your fault OP. He essentially told you what you wanted to hear, did what he wanted regardless, then said it’s all your fault for not letting him do the thing in the first place. THAT IS NOT HOW A LOVING RELATIONSHIP WORKS!!
And the whole peer pressure thing?! People are aware that men are capable of making their own decisions even if their friends do something different right?! I thought we were done with the ‘boys will be boys’ excuse now that it’s 2018, but apparently it’s still alive and well for some people.
Which is a shame, as it does a disservice to both women (for holding us to a higher standard of behaviour than these ‘boys’ who apparently just can’t help themselves) and to all the good men out there who don’t feel the need to lie to their partners and act like pigs in order to impress their mates.
The question is OP, is this a deal breaker for you or not? I really hope not as there are kids involved, but if he can’t realise how promising you one thing then doing the opposite is wrong then I think you’ve got a lot of work to do...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2018): I'd be pissed too. He is an adult with his own mind. He can make his own choices. He decided to ignore your feelings and chose fitting into his boy's club as more important. And getting a secret thrill from the lap dance. Trust me, he liked it! I don't think he's sorry. He expects you to suck it up. To me, he would have just shown his character. And yes SHADY.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2018): Not to sound harsh here, honey... but you agreed for him to attend the stag do, what did you think he was going to do? Drink tea and eat biscuits with his mates? Regardless of their age, most men act like boys when they are together. As long as he is not cheating on you by have sexual intercourse with another woman (or man), then let him have some fun once in a while.
I agree that 95% of the time he should be a good live in partner to you and a good father to your children. However, we are all humans and deserve some 'me time'. We shouldn't lose ourselves just because we have a family. Now mind you, his choice of what he chooses to do during his 'me time' will change as he matures. He will not choose to get a lap dance at age 60. But for now, that is what he chooses to do, so I say, let him live his life. Same goes for you, you deserve some 'me time' as well. He should watch the children while you go out to do what YOU enjoying doing!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2018): The equivalent here is not her receiving a lap dance from a male but rather her giving a lap dance to a another male . Most women would just laugh at the idea of a man giving them a lap dance because for a woman the opposite of ankand lust ( like her partner gave to the other woman ) is to be desired and lusted for . That's simply how the sexual switch works differently for men and women and this is why men just don't seem to understand why women get upset . Many many women find the excitement in BEING desired rather than desiring and that's what turns them on . There are clearly some women who work like men and see no problem with a lap dance and may even enjoy getting one from a man but for a large number of women it would be way more exciting to be the one hovinvnit and being desired in that level . She's upset and sick because he have something she's feels should be special and between them to another woman and the only comparison is how he would feel if she were to give a lap dance to another man . I'm pretty sure he would not be impressed but by rights he should have no issue with it if he feels it's just innocent fun because there's no touching . There's such a double standard about this stuff . Men claim the visual needs but they are going to have to start recognising women's emotional needs or many women are goung to do exactly what they do to get these so called visual needs met and step
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 August 2018):
 P.S: And no, in Prague you can touch all you want . It's not USA. There's generally full contact both ways, - they won't finish you off, of course, not out of moral scruples , but because for that , obviously, there' s a ( modest ) extra fee.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (14 August 2018):
Prague, uh ? Interesting.
I guess it was a coincidence rgar they chose for their stag party the European capital of sexual tourism. It works exactly like in Bangkok there. Most, if not all, bars and clubs are quasi -brothels, meaning that no, you can't have sex on the premises, that is not allowed , but you can make arrangements with any of the many, kind " hostesses " which will offer it , following them out in apartments or hotel rooms 20 yards from their workplace . Erotic massage parlours ( with happy ending, of course ) are so thick on the ground to rival , again, Bangkok or Macao. And there 's a flourishing comnerce for stag party packages involving creative things like , say , eating food off a naked lady ( there's a menu choice, with both cold and hot food - I am not kidding ).
If all they did, poor lads, was to book themselves a couple of lap dances,... then it was a sort of lame, mild party. A bit meh. Per se, it would not be such a big deal. A bit gross, a bit juvenile, a bit tacky but, well, boys will be boys, and when you take a bunch of drunk, young single guys…
Oh. Wait a minute. Your bf is not single. He may be technically single, insofar he never bothered to take you to the Registry Office and sign on the dotted line; but he is your live in, exclusve, permanent companion, and the father of your two kids. A family man.
What made him even think to accept this invitation ? what made him think it's ok for a non-single father of two spend money that'd be better spend on his kids, toward a type of activity that's geared to single guys and that he has no place joining , out of respect to you , to your relationship and to your kids ?... What is he going to tell them when they grow up " come here , kids, as a bedtime story I 'll tell you the story of when I left yoir mother home alone to got eat whipped cream out of a stripper's pubic mound " ?
Supposing a lap dance it's all he had, which, honestly, seen the context I would not swear upon, - it's not as if he joined his coworkers fro an after work drink and got himself willy nilly himself involved in something inappropriate , and went along with it in order not to make a fiss. He took a plane to go there ! He spent good money to go there ! I bet he knew, or at least had a more- than- vague idea, of what the Prague stag do would entail . Why did he feel that it was his place to join in ? He is a dad, for Pete's sake- a common law husband !
What should you do ? What you are doing now : questioning your whole relationship, because it does not sound like he is taking it very seriously or showing a lot of respecy for it, and for you. Tell him to grow up- and accept that a family man can't just do the heck he wants in pursuit of selfish sensual pleasures , screw everybody else- some times one has to give up instant gratification for the good of the couple and family. Explain him that he can't have his cake and eat it too, by being your official partner when it's convenient for him (say, regular sex supply, financial help, someone to watch the kids, a clean house… ) and " just one of the lads " at the same time. And, don't be in a hurry to get married , even f he wanted to. If he has much trouble understanding the above said simple concepts , he would not make a decent husband anyway , and your marriage would not last anyway. So if, eventually, you have to give him his walking papers, perhaps it will be simpler and easier if you are not married.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2018): I'd go on a hen party, get a lap dance from a guy and tell him about it. If it doesn't bother him then his lap dance shouldn't have bothered you.
If it does bother him then this should make him take your feelings into consideration and apologise. Either way, it's a win win. He is either very secure in the relationship or he values the relationship so much that he apologises for his behaviour.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (14 August 2018):
 I don't agree with discounting disrespecting a simple request as 'boys will be boys' but I don't think this is a deal breaker either. Not giving a shit knowing how you feel, giving in to peer pressure is a bit weak of him I think.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2018): This is more than disappointing . This shows a general lack of respect for you and possibly for women in general . I think you need to reconsider if he is the man you thought he was and whether this is the sort of man you wantnto spend your life with
Just because outdated patriarchal traditions say that objectifying women is 'fun' and that this begaviour is ok doesn't mean you have to be ok with it
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (14 August 2018):
 Sweetheart, get a grip. You have two children with this man. He hasn't gone out and cheated on you. He went on a stag do and, along with everyone else, had a lap dance.
Yes, it's disappointing, but it's not a deal breaker. What did you expect him to do? Walk out of the club and leave his mates? Be the only one to refuse (if he was even in a fit state to refuse)?
I agree with your boyfriend. You ARE over-reacting. The question is why?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2018): So, what are you going to do about it? The reality is that it cannot be undone.
If he went to a stag party, what exactly did you expect him to do?
He's likely to be intoxicated. Partying with a group of other drunken-males, who are going to make sure he does everything they do; so he won't be the "odd-man-out," to go home and snitch everybody out!
Sorry, girlfriend! Men turn into goofy adolescent-boys when under peer-pressure from his mates. They urge or dare each other to do exactly what the women threatened them not to do; just to prove you don't carry his balls around in your purse.
Two kids, huh? Just the fact he doesn't seem to want to be the husband and married-father to his kids; should have tipped you off he's not your typical "family-man."
What should you do? Determine how serious this relationship of yours is, and to what level can you expect it to evolve? Seems he did that lap-dance in pure defiance. That should wipe any thoughts of marriage out of your mind for some-time.
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