A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Is it wrong to love porn? Ive never really thought about it until the other night but porn makes me emotionally warm and happy . Ive never had a girlfriend nor have had sex but to be honest I would rather choose Videos over trying to be in relationship. It sounds shallow I know but from the way I look at it its also the safest choice for myself. I don't have to worry about performing, risk disease, having a child, ect. Are there any guys who feel the same way or that have gone through what im describing? Is it just a phase? And iam causing harm to myself?
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male
reader, dangrbitch +, writes (6 June 2013):
After reading though some of the responses I thought I'd add that I don't think that is' particularly "normal" to have a big time emotional relationship at all. Looking through the history of the human race. I think it's a rather peculiar and relatively recent notion that we have all these emotional needs that can only be met with a relationship. Rally? Through most of history, people were just having tons of sex with tons of partners and it was pretty overt. Porn and sexual imagery was out in the open thousands of years ago. The whole sanctity of marriage and one man one woman thing only really started around that a thousand years ago. I'd rather people have more realistic expectations of people understand that we like sexual imagery. Lots of it. I don't feel that lot of porn has made me a distant or emotionally vapid person at all. But sex is sex. It's a bodily function. Like burping or farting. It's not a big deal. It's a small part of my life even if I was having sex with girls all the time. It wouldn't be this big complicated issue in my life nor do I think it should be.
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male
reader, dangrbitch +, writes (5 June 2013):
I used to think that the whole relationship thing was the thing to aspire to but I don' anymore at all. Everyone just thinks that the "normal" thing to do without question. When you think about it though, being single is a far more attractive option for me, perhaps not everyone, but for some. I have no interest in dating. I'm very extroverted and like people and everything, I like having friends but I would much rather just look at porn. I also love strippers. I was married for years and I like being married at the time. The divorce has nothing to do with it. It's just I love being able to come and go as I please. I don't have to waste time doing things I don't want to do .I'm not selfish or anything but for me, the freedom is much more enjoyable than any relationship would be. I have no interest in the drudgery of family life or children. I'm able to do more for my friends and have better relationships than I could if I was hitched. I can have more friends, do more things and am generally I believe way happier than anyone I know. I'm not concerned if it's "normal" or not. I'm not a normal guy and don't care to be. So I' don't think you're weird at all. Everything in life has tradeoffs, to me. relationships are not worth it.
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (26 April 2012):
 Actually you are not the only one, not by a long shot.
The great majority of guys your age saturate themselves in porn. Those with a fast internet connection at least. Porn has become ubiquitous.
Research on this has been limited until now, since the phenomenon of infinite quantities of high quality video porn in innumerable niche genres is very new. But there is now a significant and rapidly growing amount of evidence that shows the following:
- Human brains are very adaptable. This adaptability is at its highest as a teenager.
- Ongoing exposure from a young age (10+) to large amounts of video porn can have a very significant effect on brain development. In particular our sexual functioning.
- In some cases exposure to lots of porn can 're-wire' our normal sexual behaviour and substitute porn for 'real women'. Put another way: the many years of exposure to porn at this age can cause someone to substitute porn for women in a very real way. The normal behaviour of seeking out women gets replaced by seeking out porn. Desire for women becomes desire for porn. Porn becomes our 'desired mate'.
This appears to be what has happened to you. You have re-wired your brain to make it believe 'porn' is 'women', and 'sex' is masturbation. You have re-programmed your normal sexual functions.
These very real brain changes mean that the normal emotions and behaviours that you'd expect a man to direct towards a woman become directed to porn instead. This is not necessarily a big deal when it comes to pure sex: porn can fulfill that role well enough. Perhaps too well.
The problem comes with the emotional side: intimacy, empathy, reciprocity, communication. Porn is a two-dimensional moving image on a screen. It can't meet emotional needs. These emotional needs are a fundamental part of being human. Or have been up until now at least.
Here's the bad news. There's now been enough studies into long term porn users to whom this sexual rewiring has happened to draw some conclusions. Please note that these side-effects generally appear after some time, quite often in the low to mid-twenties for someone who started out on internet porn as a young teenager. The earlier someone starts to use porn, the more likely these side effects are to occur, as well as the more intense they tend to be:
- Difficulties in relating to other people: especially women. Fear of intimacy, especially with women. Loneliness.
- Low self esteem and social anxiety.
- Chemical changes in the brain that reduce dopamine release and absorption. Porn floods our brain with abnormal levels of dopamine that builds dependency and resistance over time. Dopamine is our 'happy chemical': these changes reduce our ability to feel pleasure and be happy. You can google 'dopamine deficiency' to find out more about this.
- Trouble concentrating.
- Low energy levels.
- Putting on weight: dopamine regulates our desire for food.
- Depression due to these effects.
- Erectile dysfunction. Most commonly when trying to have sex with a 'real woman', problems with erection and / or achieving orgasm. Guys tend to avoid women in general after this happens. (Surprising fact: the number of male virgins in US colleges is rapidly increasing compared to previous decades! This is most likely attributable to porn).
These effects occur because the human brain is being over-stimulated when being exposed to large amounts of video porn. As the musicianJohn Mayer put it, he was 'seeing 300 vaginas before breakfast'. Another way to put it is that in a single porn session a guy will commonly be exposed to more naked women than a man pre-porn would be exposed to in his entire life. This level of exposure exceeds what our brains have evolved to be able to cope with.
This is like junk food for your brain. In the same way our bodies can't stay healthy when filled full of a diet of processed food high in sugar and salt, our brains can't stay healthy when exposed to a diet of endless porn. In fact, many of the brain circuits effected by over-eating bad food are the same as the ones effected by excessive exposure to porn.
Anyway, now you know.
You know that you are not the only one, that you are part of a rapidly growing number of guys whose brains have been re-wired by porn to orientate towards porn instead of women.
And you also know what the long term side effects can be. Note that not everyone has these side effects, some have a few, some get all badly, and some get none. Maybe you'll get lucky.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (25 April 2012):
 "I posted to see if any other guys are going through what iam. clearly there is none."
An attempt to convince yourself you are not normal and therefore absolving the need to date people and get over your fear.
Porn watching as a habit is not unhealthy. It is just like watching your favorite channel every day. What's unhealthy is the mental turmoil when you give yourself a life sentence of isolation based on irrational fear when you have the same desires as anyone else, regardless of size. The only way to stop these nagging questions, is it wrong, is it harmful, is to go out and live life. You will get hurt, you will have wonderful memories, but you won't be just sitting there wondering the what ifs, as your confidence go lower and lower as you become an older virgin.
This is different from a person who knows they are asexual and will be that way for the rest of life. I do feel that you have a need for human contact but the fear of rejection paralyzes you, to the point of using everything (even if you are exaggerating) you could to justify a solitary, yet non-fulfilling life.
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female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (25 April 2012):
Actually there is statistics saying that porn lowers crime. Inmates and sexual offenders were interviewed about their porn use and they said that porn allowed them to act out violent fantasies in their mind, it calmed them down. This is from a pscyhology magazine.
You should live your life as you please. Who cares if you are the first person who prefer videos to relationships. Also you should watch videos because they are great, not because relationships are bad and people are shallow. There is a difference between avoiding unhappiness and true happiness. You are already saying happiness does not exist without experiencing it. Focus on what you want to do, and not on the negative stuff about the world.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIm 21 and im not psychotic. I posted to see if any other guys are going through what iam. clearly there is none.
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female
reader, HappyPlace  +, writes (25 April 2012):
 I've just noticed that you are incredibly young and therefore I will base my answer on that. What you are doing is NOT normal by any standards, and I think the age of 18 is a bit young to be deciding categorically what you want for your future. And, if you are totally sure of yourself, then why on earth are you posting here on this site - there is clearly something that is not sitting easily with you. I would also say that you are possibly in the high risk group of people, that view lots of porn, don't have normal sex lives, then go on to murder some poor unsuspecting woman like Ted Bundy or some other nut.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2012): If you like being alone, go for it. Like another poster said, it's better than getting in a relationship with someone and ignoring them to watch videos. Do what makes you happy, and don't let anyone tell you it's wrong. You're right, a lot of relationships have too much drama, and you don't have to be in one to be happy. I'm glad you realize that. I'm also glad you realize porn doesn't represent real life. One thing I will say is being short doesn't make you undesirable. You're being way too hard on yourself. To say no one would be proud to have you by their side is assuming a lot. You don't know how girls feel about you. How can you when you don't talk to them? I'm short and plenty of girls have found me attractive.
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female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (24 April 2012):
You really think that all the Brad Pitts get all the girls?
Whenever I go to a kids function in the city. What do I see? Moms and Dads who are plain looking and overweight by society's standards. When a person looks too perfect he seems unapproachable and uptight. There is reason why people are fond of plain janes or the boy next door. They give people a feeling that they are content just the way they are, and easygoing. People who are content and easygoing have those qualities that would make a long term relationship work. Love from the heart. Not toned bodies and how tall you are.
Your post made me brainstorm a few things. Cynical youngster questioning existentialism. You grew up and saw that a world is a stage, and that living is a futile thing. Dearcupid not quite a place for this but you are getting there. What's your spiritual orientation? Theory on life after death? If the billions of people are having sex, kids, polluting the world, getting sick and missing the point. At least solitary porn is doing the world a favor by controlling population, and the earth lives longer. What then? What is the point of keeping the earth around longer since we are all going to die? Does porn bring enlightenment, give you spiritual insights, make you go to heaven?
Many people have awakened to the state of this world and continue to say yes to life and live it to the fullest. Being short is no excuse for being depressed your whole life. Okay, being happy is not required. Suffering trains the soul right? It's still your choice.
No one proud of you? That's why in your younger years you upgrade yourself by learning new things. You are in a dark night of the soul phase. Be depressed all you want. Hit the bottom then bounce back up. You will do just okay. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIve never seen the point of relationships but that its only just a thing for people to show off what kind of person they can get. Who in the hell would be proud of having me by there side? I don't care on what im missing out on because if a billion people past, present and future are having (had) sex with one another its not some undiscovered thing to do. I like being alone, that's the way it always has been and always will be.
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female
reader, borntohelp100 +, writes (23 April 2012):
 Well mostly it's your choice but watching porn is not the normal way to live and let's have reality check here you can't stay like this forever can you? No. St some point you have go in the dating world and show yourself. relationships are NOT about sex, it's about caring about someone and liking them. so let's assume you go on a date and the girl really likes you and you really like her too, you can take it slow. your way of watching porn is not healthy. you can even get addicted to it and it's not safe, there could be several reasons why you choosing porn over relationships. Maybe your scared or you feel insecure about yourself or your not ready. if your feel one of these three reasons it's OK you just have to learn that love, relationships and intimacy are apart of life. hope this helped you :D
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 April 2012):
 OP, I guess you are doing that American thing of taking "sex " to mean " intercourse, penetrative sex ". No no, in the rest of the world sex has a broader meaning and includes sexual acts and sexual pursuits in general. You watch naked woman doing stuff while masturbating and having orgasms, that IS having an interest in sex. If you were not interested in sex, you'd be watching Papa Smurf cartoons instead.
Anyway, you miss, or pretend to miss , my point. Yes, there are people that , by their own choice, live all their life without intimate relationships- nuns and priests and monks, for instance. Not necessarily they feel miserable or deprived , they can be very happy- but it was their choice.
You don't have a real choice, because you are FORCED by your fears to not try the alternative.
I chose to not drive and not own a car anymore, OP. For reasons of mine I preferred doing that. BUT I do have a driving licence. It's not the same as if I COULDN'T drive because I was always too scared to take my driving test.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2012): OP you really don't have to justify your choices or explain them to us at all, it's your life, live it how you choose.
All I will say is you should re-examine your reasons by testing out your theories in the real world. I mean what have you got to lose? You can go out date some women and if they don't work out you can go back to isolation and porn. If you're happy with porn on its own then you have a safety net to fall back on and don't have to put with drama. All I'm saying is you have no valid reason not to experiment.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2012): I'm in the same shoes are you are, I'm almost 25 and have never had a girlfriend before. I don't believe that any girl could ever want me or be attracted to me. I think that some people just aren't meant to ever be in relationships. I think that you're fine just the way you are as long as you truly accept it. I'm fine just looking at porn because I know that's the closest I'll ever come to sex. Not everyone lives their lives with relationships and it's totally fine that you're choosing to live the way you are. Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in this and again, it's really not wrong as long as you're okay with it!
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female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (23 April 2012):
I love argumentative posters that try to get technical. Okay, here, I'll give you what you want to hear:
Yes, what you're doing is perfectly fine; don't listen to anyone who tells you otherwise. If porn fulfills your sexual needs, then go for it. You're preventing yourself from any harm through imaginary figures. Why bother going out to deal with real women when you're perfectly content jerking it to women that you can select by your own preference? It is perfectly okay to feel emotional connections to women who get paid to perform sexual acts for your pleasure and in no way will it screw you up in the future, since I am a psychic, I know this. Good luck to you!
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (23 April 2012):
 Of course guys feel pressure to look a certain way. I wasn't saying that they don't. I was merely responding to your statement that women wouldn't understand. We do. And I understand that men have pressures, some of them unique, like ED. These are pressures we all face...men and women! Some have more varying degrees of anxiety towards them than others. It sounds like you wrestle with a lot of anxiety when it comes to women, enough so that it's hindering you in that area.
You said this:
"Im afraid of not accomplishing my dreams by being held down. I cant afford to waste my life chasing women and the heartbreak it entails. Life is very short and when im dead reviewing my life I want to make sure it was worth something."
What would you be held down *by*? A woman?
Why is chasing a woman *heartbreak*?
Why would having a woman in your life make your life worth less to you? What has made you reach that conclusion, because something tells me that this goes deeper than just your appearance.
This very thing is why I think that choosing porn over women is not healthy for you and will cause grave long-term harm to you emotionally and possibly physically.
I've been married 13 years. My husband makes my life better, as I make his life better. I don't feel hindered, or wasted, or that it has less worth. Quite the opposite actually. I remember when I fell in love. The feeling of exhilaration was immeasurable. I felt invincible, constantly euphoric, and happy! And we're still happy! The love has matured and deepened from butterflies to something calmer, quieter, but far stronger. I feel the opposite of "held down", and he does too.
I run out of words to express how much you're missing. I understand being busy or focusing on aspects of your life other than finding a woman. There are seasons where it's better to focus on studies, or starting a career, or traveling, or caring for a sick parent, or serving in the military. But those are seasons, not life choices.
Choosing porn and virginity over a relationship for the sake of avoiding effort or believing that porn is superior and delivers results without hassle is like walking through the desert and choosing a mirage and drinking the sand. It feels like satisfaction, gives a simulated emotional release, and makes you feel insulated from dealing with women, but it's a mirage. Your personality will wrap itself around a life without the learned social skills acquired from building relationships and interacting with women, that by the time you realize what I've been telling you, it'll be very much harder for you to make the transition.
Nothing, no video, no picture, no fantasy beats skin-on-skin sexual contact. Slow, sensual kissing, hands running where they may, mouths and bodies pleasuring each other, the ecstasy of letting go...you'd throw that all away for the ability to orgasm in 15 seconds alone?
I'm curious, since you're giving us the courtesy of continuing the discussion with us...what made you come to the conclusions you have about women and heartbreak? What is it you're not telling us? Again, I strongly believe that this isn't just about appearance here.
How did you come to this conclusion you have now?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYouwish--- And you don't think guys also feel pressure to look a certain way. I can tell you right now that every guy feels the need to hit the gym 24/7, look like Brad Pit or some type of figure women drool over but they don't say because us guys have been told to keep our feelings inside. Im not afraid of rejection. Im afraid of not accomplishing my dreams by being held down. I cant afford to waste my life chasing women and the heartbreak it entails. Life is very short and when im dead reviewing my life I want to make sure it was worth something. oh and I didn't compare myself to Tesla and NEwton.
Pinktopaz---I didn't ask was it okay to not want a relationship, I asked was it okay in terms of health that I feel emotion when I look at porn.
Cerebrus--- I was just trying to make some reasons why I enjoy videos. Like I can control my orgasm and not have to worry about someone else, that's what I meant about performance. Im 100% percent okay with being single. the fear I have is not accomplishing my goals in life. Ive seen so many others fall of there way because of relationships, I don't want that to be me.
Cindycares---I like feeling good, that doesn't not mean I like sex.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (22 April 2012):
Ah sure. There are people who stay single and celibate and are happy nonetheless. Only , Cerberus is right ; ( btw thanks Cerberus for your kind words, the respect and appreciation is reciprocated ) apparently it works much better if it's a choice willingly embraced, not something that you HAVE to bear whether you like it or not.
Today is the birthday of a Italian scientist, Ms. Rita Levi Montalcini , who won the Nobel Prize for medicine in 1986.She never got married and never had , at least that is known, any companion ( she turns 103 today - quite a long time to be single ..) The thing is, she wasn't your cliche' uber - nerd weird-looking female scientist. Pics of her in her 20's and 30's show a cute ," girlie " girl with a svelte figure and big blue eyes . A journalist that interviewed her when she got her Nobel asked her a rather dumb question , how happened that , being not only a great scientist but also an attractive one, she had remained single. She just shrugged and said more , or less ," I never could bother , I've got nothing against men but I always felt the happiest and more excited and alive when I was alone ,doing research in my lab ". There are people with passions more consuming than that for sex. They don't feel thatthey can't get sex , they are just not that interested.
It's different for you , you are interested in sex ,- otherwise you would not be watching porn,- you are just too afraid of rejection to go get a real life partner.
You have drilled into your head that you are too short for dating, and that your height is an insuperable obstacle, so you won't even try , because you are paralized by fear. You have given up winning even before joining the game at all- so how's that a choice ? That 's making do, at best. That's settling for an imitation of life, because you have brainwashed yourself into thinking that you'll NEVER be able to get the real thing. I doubt much happiness and fulfillment may come from settling for less- and so unnecessarily too!
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reader, YouWish +, writes (22 April 2012):
It's amusing that you're comparing yourself to Sir Isaac Newton, who was not only reportedly a virgin, but was so puritanical that any suggestion of impropriety on his part would send him over the edge and end a friendship with whoever dared that he did anything sexual in the slightest. He would cringe in horror to see the porn of today.
Lewis Carroll (Alice in Wonderland) was reportedly a virgin until the day he died as well, but besides writing children's books, he also loved photography. When he died, many pictures of young girls in various stages of undress were found among his possessions. And when I say young, I mean about 8 years old.
Nikola Tesla had extreme OCD, suffered multiple nervous breakdowns, was an extreme germophobe, would frequently send his female employees home to dress different, and fired a secretary for being slightly overweight. He was a huge proponent of eugenics, or "selective breeding" and that no one who didn't fit as an "alpha" male should be allowed to breed.
You are not asexual. You can't compare yourself to those who are (like Newton), and hope that funnelling your needs through porn is going to not give you problems later in life. Also, with others back then, their claims of virginity were either found to be debunked, or were a result of society's harsh past view of homosexuality, or in Queen Elizabeth I's example, her virginity was more imposed on her than she chose to live it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2012): Oh yeah? So I guess watching a video of someone eating ice cream is the same as eating it then? You can experience what it's like to eat ice cream by looking at pictures of it.
pinktopaz is right OP. I have long term single friends who have no time or place in their life for relationships and they have happy lives, but they don't speak as negatively about them as you do, they don't talk about them as being too much and they fully accept that there is a lot of pressure on people by society because put simply if no one had relationships we'd all die out.
OP I have no issue with people who want to be single and are happy being single. You speak of Tesla, Newton, well if you want your life compared theirs then try and take an objective stand point and reread your question and all your responses in terms of logic. Pretend it's someone else. Can you not see those aren't the words of a person who has chosen to remain single and is happy but more the words of a guy who is insecure and feels he just won't be successful?
Why speak of expectation, of performance, of judgement of difficulties if porn is enough for you?
Quite simply OP you've given up before you even tried. By all means live the single life but don't for one second porn gives you any insight into sex or relationships. It gives you as much of a knowledge as watching ice cream being eaten.
I'm not criticizing your choice OP, I'm merely pointing flaws in your logic of which there are many. You've basically given yourself no chance of finding out whether you're even right or wrong.
I mean neither Tesla nor Newton just came out with a load of theories and said "right there you go, that's what it is and I'm not even going to bother to test my theories, I have an idea and I'm going to base all my opinions on that without any evidence at all" They'd be nothing without proof. And you've basically made your mind up with absolutely no basis for comparison and said porn gives you everything you need. Well if that's how you approach your "own field" I can tell you you won't be successful at it. Life is about challenges and taking risks, not taking the easy option and quitting before you begin.
I just think your attitude is too defeatist and you've given up. That's all really. Good luck OP. Life is a lot better when you don't live it under baseless assumptions. A life of fear is no life at all.
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reader, pinktopaz +, writes (22 April 2012):
OP, if you think what you're doing is perfectly fine, normal, and you can live a fulfilling life without a relationship; then why are you even bothering asking about it? Obviously, there's a part of you that thinks that the way you feel may not be "good" for you.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (22 April 2012):
Of course women understand about being judged by appearance. Even in comedies when the guys/dads are overweight, slovenly, slackers, their partners have to be perfect 10 sex kittens. Even in porn, you're getting off on the appearance of women only. Trust me, the massive beauty and plastic surgery industry are shining examples of the massive pressure placed on women being judged on appearance.
What'll hinder you most is your demeanor and attitude. If you've counted yourself out and so convinced that everyone is judging you negatively, then you'll do everything you can to make it happen. You've gotta believe that you are attractive and eligible, and that you are worthy of being desired.
Rejection isn't this huge, massive, insurmountable monster, and it certainly shouldn't make you shun women in favor of porn. Rejection is the mouse that roars. It may scare you, but in the end, it's powerless. Actually, that's what makes the thrill of finding someone that much more amazing.
You may think that porn meets all of your needs, but what you really need is to not be so paralyzed by fear and self-image issues, and porn will not help you with those. If anything, it'll only get worse with age, until we see you on here at 45 years old contemplating paying a prostitute to lose your virginity.
You're at a crossroads in your life. You've gotta face your phobia of rejection. I have a feeling that it won't happen until you meet a girl in real life who rocks your world, that makes you want to overcome it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIm not addicted to porn. I made sure there are safety nets for me to prevent such a thing. I go off and on to make sure im not an addict. When using porn I just find a video I like and what im interested in and do my business. Process takes about 5 minutes, about 10 if I cant find something good. Im not an idiot I know porn is fake and women don't look like that or act that way in real life.Im tired of hearing people, the internet , tv, media, society, and the world say you need a relationship to have a happy fulfilling life. Its not true. The greatest minds in the world such as , Newton, Tesla, ect lead great lives doing what they loved to do and died virgins. Why cant I live a good life being single and happy in my own field? Just having random sex with people will solve nothing. I would just be degrading myself to ashallow guy on earth. Due to the invention of porn men can experience a little of that kinda life without breaking any barriers.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (22 April 2012):
 I agree with Yos, you are self harming. Please check out the link he posted.
Porn is fake, honey. It's a fantasy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2012): So let me get this straight, you are insecure about relationships yet think watching guys with bigger dicks than you, more toned bodies and taller than you having sex with women is not doing any harm?
OP porn is fine as a tool for masturbation but you're actually having a relationship with porn and that's not good.
Porn is an okay substitute for sex when you're single but you're using it as an emotional substitute too, that's not good OP.
I use porn, if I need a quick wank I'll throw on a video for about 2 minutes and I'm done. If I spent hours looking at porn and getting strong feelings from watching it I know I'd have a problem.
"Are there any guys who feel the same way or that have gone through what im describing?"
Yeah I've gone through the phase of thinking relationships were too much work, but what you have is an addiction. If you don't believe me then I challenge you to go two weeks without it. If even the thought of not having porn in your life makes you feel unhappy then it's an addiction and you need to get rid of it because it's only making you feel more insecure and it in fact stunting your emotional and sexual development.
"I don't have to worry about performing" No woman expects a virgin guy to "perform" OP it's a learned skill and you only learn through experience and a willingness to please, sex in porn is as real as the fighting is in the matrix OP, it's hyperreal and if you ever treat a girl like they do in porn during sex, you will leave her very unsatisfied and even abused feeling. Caring Guy hit the nail on the head OP, if you're worried about performing then it's time you went out there, started dating and getting experience. Think it's bad now? Then what's it going to be like as a 25 or 30 year old virgin?
"risk disease, having a child, ect" Condoms OP.
"What scares me about being in a relationship? Well its hard." No it's not, it's not hard at all. OP dating isn't some difficult thing, it's the easiest most natural thing in the world. You know girls put in a lot of the effort too OP and even some do all the chasing. OP girls are great fun, I mean I've been on this site for a few years now and I can safely say YouWish, Janniepeg, iAmHereToHelpYou, CindyCares are insightful, intelligent, caring women that I respect and have no doubt I could have stimulating conversation with or even lively disagreements with. That is all I need to know to want to make the first move towards getting to know them better if I was looking for a woman to date. There is nothing magical, special or mysterious about dating you just get to know a girl who has sparked your interest whether that is in terms of attraction to their body or brain.
"Life is much easier without all the drama and stupid things relationships bring and porn makes life joyful."
OP there is no drama when it comes to women unless you want drama. Drama only happens if you let it and want it. Life is about choices OP and you'd be surprized how many women out there are as relaxed and chilled out as anyone. I was with my girlfriend 3 years before we had a major blow out. Our dating process was like two really good friends who connect really well, didn't judge each other put no pressure on each other to do or be anything.
The only pressure about dating is the pressure you put on yourself, there is nothing hard about dating at all except the difficulties you put on it if you put too much pressure and expectation on yourself.
OP you say porn brings great things to your life, do you really want to spend your life watching it and not doing it yourself? I mean do you really think that watching a guy get a blow job in a video is better than looking down on a girl doing it to you? Do you really think any picture of boobs is better than watching a pair of them bounce up and down as you lay back while a woman grinds you to bits?
Time to put the porn away and get out there and date. You only fear it because you don't know what it's like. Once you get out there and start experiencing it you'll see it's the easiest thing in the world and it gets easier the more you do it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2012): Hi. I am a woman but I understand what you mean. We are not so unalike you know.
I dont know any woman that wants to be judged either. We don`t want drama, unwanted pregnancies, disease, judged as lacking because we cant look or `perform` like a porn star. The things you dont want are things we dont want eitehr. At times, relationships can also be very hard work for women too.
I dont think you are harming yourself if you prefer to love porn rather than a real woman. But if you have never made love with a woman, how can you possible know that porn and masturbation is better?
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reader, Yos +, writes (22 April 2012):
Yes you are causing harm to yourself. It's not permanent harm, changing your behaviour later can fix things. But it's not "healthy". The real risk is that at some point you become addicted to porn, with the negative consequences that addiction can bring. You may be fine of course, but it sounds like you are in a high risk group.
This website has lots of accounts of the effects of long term heavy porn use. I highly recommend reading it to see if you are experiencing some of the symptoms they describe:
Www.yourbrainonporn.com
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (22 April 2012):
It sounds to me like saying it's better reading cookbooks and food magazines than eating real meals every day . So much less hassle... you don't have to spend lots of money, waste time in line at supermarkets, carry upstairs heavy bags, wash dishes and throw away trash. You don't risk gainining weight, or raising your cholesterol level , or getting food poisoning. Yeah, reading recipes has so many advantages...
The only problem is, IT'S NOT THE REAL THING, in fact it has got nothing to do with it, it's a totally different and separate experience.
Not for you, you object. You get this all warm and fuzzy feeling from porn. I don't doubt it, but if you grow up ( mentally and emotionally ,not in stature ) you'll get to a point where it won't be all about feeling warm and fuzzy for a few seconds. You'll want so much more, physically and emotionally. You'll want passion, and romance, and emotion, and camaraderie, and closeness , and intimacy and.... love, in short.
If you go out there and try your luck, you'll be " judged " ,yes. You'd be " judged " or evaluated anyway if you were tall. You could be tall and handsome and be rejected anyway because of your lack of financial success or manners or sense of humour or confidence or sexual magnetism or or or....
You'll be always evaluated, with the possibility of falling short ( no pun intended ) in countless times of your life, when you apply for a job, or want to join some association or rent an apartment or make new friends or ask a loan etc.etc. Might as well familiarize yourself with the process.
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reader, C. Grant +, writes (22 April 2012):
 Yes, of course guys know what it's like. Most all of us have gone through it.
I'm not suggesting you go to the bar to pick someone up. Hardly.
What does work is talking to a girl who is in a class with you. If you're in university, you're in five different classes each semester. Ideally some of those classes are things you actually care about. And in those classes are girls how care about it too. Some of those girls will be more interested about what's in your head than your stature.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2012): "I know women wont understand but to all the male readers im sure they know how I feel."
Original poster, I'm female, and I understand. While I don't agree with you (meaning I wouldn't choose this way of living for myself), I can understand why you feel the way you do. It's obvious you lack self confidence, and you feel like women would judge you if you tried to talk to them.
I would like to point something out about your statement I quoted at the top of my post, though. You say you feel judged, but aren't you basically judging all women by saying they wouldn't understand how you feel just because they're women? And aren't you also judging all men by saying they would understand just because they're men? I'm sure there are plenty of women just as scared of relationships as you who would understand you even better than me (since they feel that way themselves), and there are also plenty of men who much prefer relationships to porn. Those men might think you're crazy, and would not understand.
In my last post, I was just trying to warn you in case you ever change your mind. I'm sorry if you took it as me judging you. Like I said before, if porn is what makes you happy, I don't see why you shouldn't do it. On a side note, I've dated men of all different heights and weights as well. I'm 5'8" and weigh 130, and I've dated men anywhere from 5'2"-6'4". And from 125-300 pounds. I do think you're making an unfair assumption that no woman would want you just because of your height. I think the women who do judge you are shallow. They have flaws of their own since no one is perfect, so it's hypocritical as well as shallow.
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reader, janniepeg +, writes (22 April 2012):
Go for women 5 feet and under. Snooki is very short but she's still hot. My dad is 5 feet 4 and a half. Because of TB bone he is the shortest of all his brothers. He was teased in school but he focused his energies on academics and got successful later in life. Porn should always be the last resort when everything else fails. Saying that porn is the solution to your shortness is like giving up without even trying.
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reader, pinktopaz +, writes (22 April 2012):
Put it this way, if you knew someone that didn't want friends because they were perfectly content with watching episodes of "Friends" because it made them feel emotionally warm and happy and like they were their own friends, wouldn't you think it's kind of weird?
I don't necessarily think it's weird if you truly don't care to have a girlfriend. However, if you are replacing people in your life or that could potentially be in your life for what are basically fictional characters, then you might have a problem. Maybe you should go out with friends and meet some girls, an actual human being might be something you like more. However, they do tend to talk back and have an opinion.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell I appreciate the answers. What scares me about being in a relationship? Well its hard. Especially for a guy like me that's 5'4. Its actually true that short guys have to work harder for attention. Relationship are hard work and for guys like me its 20 times difficult. Top that with I look young also so women in age bracket thinks im 17-18. In every college class ive had people gasp when I say my age. Its only when I let my facial hair grow when I look older. Id rather be alone forever than go out and be judged looking for a relationship. Ive stayed away from relationships and gravitated towards porn because it doesn't judge me for being me. Its always there for me when I need it. I can choose what type of women I can see. Life is much easier without all the drama and stupid things relationships bring and porn makes life joyful. I know women wont understand but to all the male readers im sure they know how I feel.
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reader, C. Grant +, writes (22 April 2012):
In some ways it’s not surprising that the unlimited availability of porn is leading to guys in your situation. Going after a girl is scary for lots of us. And if you’ve never done it before, well, it’s easy to think that you can see all the risk up front and that the reward isn’t any better than what you’re getting now for no risk at all.In the short run, no, what you’re doing isn’t wrong and it’s not hurting you. But in terms of eventually having a fulfilling life (and I don’t mean just a sex life), you are indeed hurting yourself. You may think that masturbation leaves you “emotionally warm and happy.” But what you’re feeling is only the palest, most superficial reflection compared to even a first passionate kiss with a girl you’ve fallen for. Compared to sharing new experiences with a girl you love. Compared to waking up in the morning beside your love and deciding to stay in bed all day pleasing each other. Compared to growing old with someone you’ve shared life’s journey with. Because taking the easy way out now with porn makes it harder as you get older to actually have a fulfilling relationship, and even poor relationships can leave you with great experiences and memories. It’s far, far easier to have a successful relationship at 20 when you’ve had some relationship experience in high school. Easier at 25 if you tried at 20. And so on.I hope for your sake that it is indeed just a phase. But that phase is going to last longer if you’re home jerking off to vids rather than being out somewhere you might meet a great girl. Food for thought, I hope.
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reader, janniepeg +, writes (22 April 2012):
"Am I causing harm to myself?"
This can't be answered when you believe that real relationships are harmful.
I think it is a phase. Later your worries of not being normal will force you to go out and meet some girls.
You are not the only one preferring non personal relationships. There is a guy in Japan who has thousands of silicone dolls at his house. They all have names, and can respond with a few phrases. He dresses them, bathes them and pushes them in a wheelchair when they go out. He claims to be happy. My brother many years ago once made a suggestion of having a thing to probe into the part of our brains giving us sexual pleasure. Why worry about dating and fearing rejection? Now he is married with one child to a woman who is his first and last, he claimed at the wedding. You are a result of your mom and dad making love. The safest choice is to live in a cloister on a mountain with food provided, free internet and never having to drive a car. I don't think this is how we are meant to live. There is a reason you came into this life, more than the fact that your mom and dad made you. What is your purpose here rather than just keeping yourself alive?
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reader, jr23 +, writes (22 April 2012):
 If it makes you happy, then I don't see anything wrong with it. What would be wrong is if you got into a relationship with someone and ignored her sexually to watch videos. Although, there is one thing you should keep in mind. If you ever DO want a relationship down the road, you may find it difficult since you've relied on porn for so long. It could affect your ability to get aroused and perform with a real woman. It could also give you unrealistic expectations of how women should look and act. Here are a few articles I think will help you better understand what I'm saying:http://goodmenproject.com/guy-talk/swearing-off-porn-saved-my-sex-life/http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20100326104244AAxtEH2
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reader, anna4you  +, writes (22 April 2012):
 many boys and girls prefer watching porn and masturbating to actual relationships because of bad experiences and low self esteem. by watching porn a person can have a vicarious and exciting sexual experience, without the stress of a relatio nship. just enjoy yourself and dont worry.
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reader, YouWish +, writes (22 April 2012):
What scares you so much about trying to be in a relationship? You haven't ever had a girlfriend, nor have you had sex before.
A porn addiction where its overuse and interference with relationships will leave you hollow, lonely, and possibly developing erectile dysfunction. Porn doesn't love you back. What you're seeing in the video is fake. Yes, I know that it's showing real bodily fluids and real sexual organs in the real mechanics of sexual activities, but it's not real.
There are no emotions. It's not how sex actually is. The women are getting paid to pander to the viewers' fantasies, and the men on there are picked for the size of their sex organs and their athletic ability. Amateur porn is pretty much the same thing -- narcissism and exhibitionism.
I'm not a guy, but I feel bad for you, because you're settling for a cheap imitation substitute that might get your endorphines running and relieve sexual tension, but you don't know how incredible it feels to have someone love you, someone give their body to you, someone else feeling like the world is better with you in it. You don't know what it's like to have someone there for you who stands with you when you feel like the rest of the world couldn't care. Porn can't touch that.
Having a relationship isn't about trying to avoid disease, avoid a baby, and it certainly isn't about performance. However, I will tell you that excessive porn use WILL affect your performance, as it often trains your brain to only respond to your hand, your fleshlight, or whatever else you use.
If the effort you're talking about means that you actually have to care about another person, then I think it's not shallow...it's just heartbreaking. I hope you open your mind to the possibilities of a relationship. It takes effort, but it's a MUCH better payoff. If porn was so awesome, no one would be in relationships!
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2012): Hi, im a female. And saying you never had sex before i think you feel more comfortable watching porn instead of actually having sex with a girl. Nothings wrong with that. Don't worry im sure there are plenty of guys like this. But i think you should try and find a nice girl and use pertection then you dont have to worry about all that stuff. You are not doing harm to yourself. Doing that will not hurt you. But i think your missing out a bit? I think you should get out there and try having a rellationship that does involve sex to fufill your needs. Couldnt hurt to try?
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