A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi y'all, I'm in need of some advice. I'm about to marry a very nice, caring, intelligent man. Trouble is... there's nothing going on in the sex department. I've known him for 6 years, and for three of those years, he was in and out of a relationship with another girl. We were just coworkers and real good friends (nothing intimate). We went out one night with a group of our male friends and he was talking about having trouble again - saying she was crazy but he was obsessed with having sex with her.... not that it was the best, but that she just had a great body. About 5 months after they broke up, we started hanging out more... ended up getting to know each and falling in love. Sex was great for a few months but it's been so awful for the past year now. We're getting married in august and are great together in many ways but when I talk to him about sex, everything gets awkward. I'm usually a very open and honest person, but I clam up when talking to him lately because it makes things weird. I think it's two parts. One, he's admitted that he sees me as more of a 'wife' partner rather than a 'lover' partner. That's hurtful because I want to be both. And two, I'm insecure because his last gf was like D boob and I'm only a small B... he never plays with them and has even commented that a mutual friend ours (a little chubby, small breast for her size and doesn't have the cutest face), that she got 'screwed' because she doesn't even get the big breasts. I feel like he might feel the same way about me although I'm just as attractive as his ex and just as skinny.Also, during sex, he doesn't pay attention to my moans, or my verbal hints and I haven't orgasmed with him in a year. I've had to fake it recently because he started to feel bad which made him want it even less! We just don't like to do the same stuff sexually. How do I open up to him when I feel so insecure talking to him. I want to fix things and fix my feelings but I can't seem to change my thoughts about loving my body again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2013): I seem to repeat the following advice often. Prolong the engagement until you address and resolve your intimacy issues. Open communication with your fiance' immediately! Over time, our sex lives may not be as intense as they may have started out. That's not unusual. With some lucky couples, it only gets better. In your case, it's the first scenario. You've already stopped talking and your sex-life has fizzled.If communication is awkward after all this time, you may need to seek counseling BEFORE you marry. Your relationship has already hit a snag. If you don't fix it now, you will not be happy being married to this guy. You have already found a deficiency in trust; not just sexual compatibility.His immaturity and adolescent approach to sexuality, only makes you feel inadequate and self-conscious. He has damaged your self-esteem and created a rift in your ability to connect with each other. Shame, shame, shame!First off; if he has repeatedly clobbered you with his insensitive and disrespectful observations and comparisons; you shouldn't feel you must bear all the responsibility of fulfilling his unrealistic perceptions of what makes a female's body more sexually attractive. Don't be in such a hurry to marry such a man-boy? He doesn't sound so "nice, caring, and intelligent" to me. Read your own words below this description.You feel choked for words and awkward; because he has belittled you, and you have placed him too high on a pedestal. Rewind a bit!!! He has been in and out of a relationship with another woman? Sounds like he has had his cake and has eaten it too! So he has already placed you in your position as "wife!" Thus leaving himself the option to take on a "lover" to compensate for those qualities he feels you lack in that department. Red flags are shooting up like fireworks here! Alarms are going off!You're already unhappy. Read your post a couple of times, and then read it again. Does the guy at the end of your post, sound like the same guy you described at the beginning?Do you think marriage will magically erase how you feel now? Exactly how did you plan to handle this once you have married this guy?You must gather the nerve and courage to address these issues before you're just a "wife." You are a woman and a person. You deserve to be respected, loved, fulfilled, and your cup-size shouldn't have anything to do with your self-worth. Love yourself first! August will be here before you know it. Don't be too desperate to marry,at any cost!!!
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 March 2013):
 If he's caring and intelligent, then I'm certain he would want to be clued into how to make you happy in bed.
If he's caring and intelligent, I'm even more certain that he doesn't care what size your breasts are.
Here's how to clue him into what you enjoy in bed: "OOOOHHH, if you stop doing what you're doing RIGHT NOW I won't ever ever forgive you.
"Oh my god that's amazing please don't stop"
Check in with him. Maybe what he's doing to stimulate you isn't sustainable, as in, it hurts him or is uncomfortable.
Stop faking it.
If you are going to marry this man, you may as well woman up and learn how to talk to him about this, in and out of bed. It may be embarrassing but you both deserve honesty in bed. You aren't being honest.
The body image stuff you have going on, well, that's your issue, not his. Decide if you want to deal with it now, maybe some counseling or other therapy, but whatever you choose to do, recognize that the size of your boobs has about zero to do with how YOU enjoy sex.
I would address your desire to have him play with your breasts as part of your 'woman up' talk with him. "I love to have my boobs adored and played with.... I miss it so much that you don't seem to do that."
If this guy is a nice, caring, intelligent man and in love with you, he will really want to work on this with you. Give him the chance, gently and lovingly. But do make your needs and desires really clear. He may not have a clue what's missing for you, especially if you are faking it.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (4 March 2013):
 Eddie is dead on in his advice. I'd second what he wrote. I'll also add a couple of things.
First, don't worry about your body. He likes it. I'm sure he finds you attractive. Most of your issues are yours, and not shared by him. Most guys find their partner attractive, flaws and all. Just as I'm sure he's not perfect, and he has some body issues of his own, but they don't bother you at all.
Second, the biggest component to a successful marriage is communication. If you can't communicate about something as big as sex, then that's going to mean problems later on. It is awkward at first, but you need to be comfortable with each other to discuss anything, or else how do you expect to face the different struggles you'll have through a life together?
Like Eddie said, attempt to guide him with hints. If those still don't work, it may take a sit down conversation. In this conversation the most difficult part is to not put blame on him (even if that's what you may be feeling). Once blame starts flying around people tend to close down and argue. Something like "We're not connecting like I was hoping we would sexually," is a much better statement than, "you haven't given me an orgasm in the last year." Is it sugar coating it? A little, but reinforce that you want to work with him to come to a point where you are BOTH enjoying each other sexually.
Ultimately, the longer this stays one sided, the more resentment will grow. If you cannot bring yourself to have this conversation with him, perhaps finding a mediator of some sort such as a therapist might be best. This needs to be out in the open before you get married.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (4 March 2013):
 To get what you want, you are really going to give him some encouragement and clues. I am sure during some time in your relationship he did hit your high notes in the bedroom department. Have you thought about reminiscing with him? Perhaps before you begin you tell him, "I really enjoy it when you do...." or "it feels good when you do this..." By verbally queuing him in to your needs, you don't have to tell him that whatever he has been doing isn't working. Also you aren't putting him down, you are encouraging him and telling him what you need to be satisfied. You shouldn't hesitate him in guiding him either, if his aim is off to speak.
Before you get married, I hope you think twice about your sex life. Sex is a huge component in marriages -- especially for men. If the bedroom department is lacking, for either party, it could mean that they could stray later because of a lack of fulfillment. However, marital bonds are formed in other ways than the bedroom, but trust me, it is one of the pillars of a happy marriage.
Hopefully you take some sort of initiative in your sex life. Failure to do so now may lead to a lifetime of sexual boredom and sadly you'll be the one that is hurt the most.
Eddie
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